Astra and Flondrix

by Seamus Cullen

Astra and Flondrix represents a departure in the field of fantasy an erotic Tolkien. Seamus Cullen, using a humor ranging from the gentle to the ribald, has joined past mythology to a post-atomic age. In doing so, he has created a magical world for adults as unique as the one Richard Adams created for children in Watership Down.The book begins "many years from now," when, in a rude new world built in the atomized ashes of the old, a son is born to Barlocks, the Dark King - a son part mortal and part elf. This son, Flondrix, the product of Barlocks' unheard-of sexual transgressions with an Elvan princess, sets out on a gargantuan quest for both a past and a future, wending his way through neo-medieval kingdoms of dwarves, people, and elves. What the naive Flondrix never realizes is that he holds the future of the world between his thighs.The book's own special apocalypse is reached in the confrontation between the distorted skills of the scientist-sorcerer Kranz and the innocent sensuality of Flondrix and Astra, the daughter of the Elvan King. The a fourth world war - of magic.

Genres: Fantasy, Erotica

286 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1976

Reviews

[Zack · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a porn Lord of the Rings. I'm going to be straight about this. I found this in a used bookshop in Pittsburgh, and the bizarro prose obsessed me, and my friend then started reading passages out loud, and things got awkward.

I'm sort of fascinated by this, as it tries to be a serious high-fantasy novel with geneologies and types of creatures and post-apocalyptic dwarves and fire shooting out of places where fire should not be shooting. It is by no means a good novel, and yet its ambition is sort of impressive. It is quite clear that the author spent a good deal of time thinking about this, and that scares me.

[Bri · Rating 1 out of 5]

I do not recommend reading this book. I had some vague idea of what it was about and thought I'd read it for a laugh, but it's not funny. It's DEFINITELY not sexy. It's boring, disgusting, and gratingly unpleasant. There are a few funny quotables, I guess, but it's really not worth wading through page after page of gushing deer pee and withered diaper penises and sheep sex and "plopping" dung and everything else to get to them. Did not finish, will not finish.

[Nemo ☠️ (pagesandprozac) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honestly, this was pretty good. Is it ridiculous? Yes. Is it insane? Yes. Is it kinda gross? Yes. But the author is very aware of all of these things, handling the narrative with his tongue firmly in cheek. The plot was surprisingly substantial, and overall, I had a lot of fun.

I am a pervert though, so you probably shouldn't trust a single word I say.

[Kevin Rubin · Rating 4 out of 5]

My first introduction to this book was in high school when my creative writing teacher, Mr. Bucy, brought it to class. He held it up and said "this book has all the sexual acts I'd thought possible by page 50". And while I was curious, I was not one of the two students who raced to the front of the room when he set it down on a stool with the instructions "now nobody come up here to get it".

It's a retelling of the classic faery story, of a faery boy with a human father and elven mother, much along the lines of an x-rated version of Lord Dunsany's "The King of Elfland's Daughter".

In this a teenaged faery boy, Astra meets an equally hormone-loaded teenage elf maiden, Flondrix and in love, they together travel fairy to break the enchanted curse laid on Astra's human father, King Barlocks, who must vicariously experience puberty in the son he doesn't know he has.

Along the way we meet more elves, dwarves, witches, mice and an evil sorcerer...

What my teacher told us may not have been far off the mark, except that being a fantasy novel, many of the characters have vastly different shapes and sizes from humans, making it a very interesting read (more than that probably isn't appropriate for a family-friendly site like this!).

The writing quality is pretty clumsy, but then that isn't necessarily what it's all about. It probably helps that I first read it as a teenager, without having read quite as many well written books as I have now a quarter century later.

[Mark · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you consider yourself at all prudish, this isn't for you. By the end of the second chapter there was no telling how much more depraved the book was going to get. Fortunately, I'm not easily shocked and I was quite intrigued by this guy's imagination. I think there is a niche for this kind of thing, albeit quite a small one, and I applaud him for going for it. During the first half it did feel as though it was his sole intent to make it as perverted as possible, but towards the end the story did become a bit more complex. There are parts that feel a bit loose or rushed, but overall quite an enjoyable read.

[William Stafford · Rating 2 out of 5]

I first came across this book a long time ago as an excitable teenager, and certain aspects of it have stayed with me: King Barlocks's affliction, the dwarfs' incredible appendages... But what I didn't remember was how detailed the descriptions of all sorts of sexual activity are. This is definitely not a book for prudes. What I found problematic re-reading it as a wizened old man, is the terrible plotting. At one point there's a gear change from fantasy to science fiction that jars with everything. Salacious scenes aside, the book commits the worse crime of being rather dull. Funny moments are too few and far between and the flashes of fantastical imagination deserve a better story.

[David Chess · Rating 4 out of 5]

Strange and fun and somewhat bawdy

A chaotic and sometimes rollicking adventure, full of elves, men, and dwarfs, magic and mayhem, prophecies and betrayals, a demon bound deep under the Earth, and an ugly old witch in a tumbledown shack in the woods. And also a sort of time-loop, at least one interstellar rocket, and things called stuff like Tritertium 333 and Antertium 99, and the elves are from a distant planet

(I never did figure out what the dwarf stationed in the tower with the little box of I guess radioactive stuff in it during the final battle was all about. It was exciting though!)

Also a certain amount of sex and excretion, mostly described in flowery euphemism, and amusingly many occurrences of the word "schlong". (I will not attempt to describe the dwarven method of rapid travel, for instance, beyond that it involves coiling their schlongs up like springs. Also the dwarves are oviparous. And the elves, well, it's complicated.)

So I won't say that it made a whole lot of sense, or was a serious important novel, but it was fun and funny, sometimes bawdy, generally well written, unique in various amusing ways, and there was a big magic battle at the end. Who could carp at that?

[Nico Wendland · Rating 1 out of 5]

- Abgebrochen bei 35 %
Es ist schwer ein Buch zu finden, dass auf allen Ebenen scheitert – aber das schafft es. Es ist keine gute Fantasy, weil jeglicher Plot von den weirdesten Sexszenen vertrieben wird. Es ist nicht erotisch, weil der Fokus auf den seltsamsten und absurdesten Arten von sexuellen Inhalten liegen, die ich je gelesen habe. Ich bezweifle, dass selbst Furries diese Art von Sex mit Tieren mögen würden. Und es ist auch kein gutes Trash-Buch, dass man wegen seiner Fehler lesen kann, weil die Witze sehr schnell repetitiv werden.

(+)
- Am Anfang hatte ich sehr viel Spaß mit den absurden Ereignissen
- Sehr kreative Ideen dabei

(-)
- Es wird langweilig, wenn man zum vierten Mal Sex zwischen Mensch und Tier ließt, ohne das etwas passiert
- Bestiality, Fäkalien, SA, Penis-Körperhorror, weirdeste Anatomie… WTF ist das Buch

Mein Booktube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWsL...
Mein Bookstagram: https://www.instagram.com/nico_fantas...

[Sarah Twist · Rating 3 out of 5]

Starts with a very funny and silly amount of fantasy sex and dwarf penises but after around page 80 turns into a bit more of a normal fantasy book where dwarves, elves, and wizards are locked into prophesy based battle. Very influenced by Lord of the Rings.
Ungar's happy ending is very questionable, the magical makeover and pairing doesn't feel like what she deserves.
I'm not a big fantasy reader so not sure how the fantasy compares to others but a totally fine plot, even if the sexual pacing feels a bit weird

[Alexandria Mount · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is book is what happens when you mix the 70s, and unhealthy obsession with Lord of the Rings, and too many drugs together and they some how produce a threesome baby. I read this as part of a challenge with friends, as we all searched for the weirdest book we could find. It was strange, often nonsensical, and best of all, short.

[PyranopterinMo · Rating 1 out of 5]

Lord of the rings era humorous pornographic fantasy. Something about a dwarf and an elvish maid. This was recommended and certainly wasn't what I wanted. The funniest joke was the cover artist's name- Peter Longfellow. 'Nuff said.

[Leland · Rating 4 out of 5]

A ribald and irreverent lampoon of high fantasy. Not for kids.

[Nancy Valentino]

Truly perverted and disgusting, and not in a good way for the most part. Weirdly science-fictiony in its latter half, which doesn’t make it any better.

[Mark White · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well I'll give it this, it certainly is unique. The story is a blend of high fantasy (it is very reminiscent of - I expect modelled on - Dunsany's The King of Elfland's Daughter), pulp scifi and the worst porn parody you've ever seen. It's not so much erotic as just pornographic but sometimes hilariously so - no-one is going to forget the dwarves' mode of travel. And the story hangs together pretty well in the end. Not a bad read overall.

[Nicholas Whyte]

http://nhw.livejournal.com/1109706.html[return][return]A rather bizarre and somewhat distasteful fantasy novel: Elvish genitals come in pairs, while Dwarves have a more complex spiral arrangement (on which the male Dwarves spring across the countryside). I read to the end hoping there would be a punchline; but there wasn't.

[Tara · Rating 2 out of 5]

This would have been a really amazing read, if not for the "eroticism." There was no need for it, for all the weird peeing and odd colored ejaculate and very, very weird genitalia. Cullen created a pretty cool fantasy world with a neat twist and premise and then ruined it by adding adolescent sexual nonsense.

[Ruby Hollyberry · Rating 3 out of 5]

Will not attempt to describe this. If you have read it, you understand why. Ridiculously perverted. My warning has been given.

[Aaron · Rating 1 out of 5]

Did not finish.

[Alex · Rating 1 out of 5]

Despite all the sex, actually quite bad.
Full review.

[Jeff Northrup]

Ridiculous fantasy porn. Pretty funny.