From Diapers to Dating : A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children

by debra-w-haffner-alyssa-haffner-tartaglione

Approved by Parents' Choice 1999, praised in Time, Newsweek , and Library Journal -a leading sexuality educator's warm, practical, step-by-step program for helping parents provide accurate information and communicate their own values to their children. Millions of Americans know Debra Haffner from her appearances on Oprah, Dateline, Good Morning America, 20/20 , and other national media such as Time, Newsweek , and USA Today . Whether she is discussing how to help kids deal with the onslaught of sexual messages they see in the media or providing sensible guidance on teaching the facts of life, Haffner's values-oriented approach to raising sexually healthy children is informative and comforting. Organized from birth through age twelve, her acclaimed book offers a wealth of practical techniques to help parents identify and communicate their own values about sexuality to their children, while also suggesting to parents the appropriate information to give to children of different ages.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Health, Sexuality, Childrens, Textbooks

227 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1999

Reviews

[Becky Odum · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had a lot of great info and gave some solid advice on how to talk about sex to children of all ages; however, it lacks a lot of information that is crucial to sexuality in 2019. Most importantly, she only includes two pages about trans issues, and most of the information included is outdated and paints transgender people in a negative light (implying it’s a mental illness or that trans children will “grow out of it”). She also uses non-inclusive statements like, “All boys have penises and all girls have vulvas,” or “Only women have uteruses, so only women can have children.” Obviously, the book was written 20 years ago, so I can’t really fault the author for this misinformation. I just wanted to warn people that this book has serious holes that you’ll have to fill with outside research if you want to teach your kids about sexuality in a non-binary/trans-inclusive way.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I actually enjoyed reading this book. I expected it to be informative. But she's so encouraging. She really upped my confidence for being able to raise sexually informed kids. I appreciate that she acknowledges that these talks can be incredibly uncomfortable for the parent. She doesn't make me feel like a loser for not looking forward to any of it. But, she sells it so well. We want to make sure our kids feel like they can talk to us about this stuff. So we can't shut down these conversations or act all weird when they came up. I also appreciate how she helps parents determine their own values about sexuality and how to communicate those to their children.

[Laura Riley-Chiabotti · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good advice, but needs updating. With internet accessing phones in every teens hands. What they watch on TV in their bedrooms is the least of our worries.

[Ankita · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend to help support children (and support ourselves / give ourselves the necessary tools - not just parents but anyone in a major role in child development) to have healthy and open communication about sexuality (which - key takeaway - a topic that goes way way beyond sex).

One star docked for the weirdly heteronormative overtone (weird because hey sex educator, why are you awkward about this?) I understand that this new edition deals much better with trans / non-gender conforming issues than previous editions, but I think the author still suffers from having been raised and building her expertise in a very different time. But to her credit, she has deferred advice providing lots of referrals and references to other material / organizations that do have proper expertise and guidance.

That big caveat said, I think it’s still an extremely valuable look into some critical issues, conversations, and teachable moments. I definitely indirectly identified issues and hangups from my own upbringing that I want to meditate on and do my best not to inadvertently pass forward. Overall, I think this is an incredibly important read. It’s a lot. Little overwhelming at times (for me personally), but raised a lot of great points for me to ponder and work through. Highly recommend.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It was so helpful. Something I loved about the book was how neutral the author was in presenting the information so parents could implement the practices that works for their family values. After reading this book, I am no longer nervous or embarrassed to talk about sexual issues with my children. Something this book taught me is how sexuality is something that needs to be addressed often, not just a one-time "big talk." Haffner advised parents to always look for teaching moments with your child so they will feel comfortable with coming to you when they have questions. Sexuality is a huge part of growing up, and I would recommend this book to anyone that has children. This book covers sexuality from birth (yep, birth) to the teen years. I wish I had this book when I gave birth to my first child. I would have taken a different approach to sexuality, but it is never too late!

[Ethan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very earnest, wide ranging, and non-judgmental primer on a hugely important subject. The author does a fine job of presenting concise information on what could be an overwhelming variety of subjects. The author understands that every family will have a different comfort zone with the subject, based on their beliefs and values, and she doesn’t judge where anyone falls on that spectrum. I would consider this book a good primer for the ongoing conversation that parents must have with their children on this topic. No one book can cover every aspect of human sexuality, and the author provides lots of resources, both online and other books, to keep the conversation going.

[janet vyvyan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I’d been able to read when I had a young family of two girls and one boy. I’m now a grandma of 4 boys and 2 girls the youngest being 13 and who has just got her first boyfriend. I have another grandson due any day now. The advice by Debra is so sensible and helpful of you are a parent who is open with their children bit maybe struggle a little with how to answer their questions or how and when to talk about sexual issues. Only thing is all the support mechanisms are USA based but this is only a minor issue. Thanks so much Debra.

[Keri Grant · Rating 4 out of 5]

Debra Haffner takes an invitational approach to helping parents open the lines of communication around sexuality, and keep them open. Recognizing sexuality encompasses more than sex, she addresses the emotional, physical, and social aspects of sexual knowledge, beliefs, attitudes, values, and behaviors.

[Sarah Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book with excellent information, but could use some updating. Definitely still relevant though. The author is great at giving the information in a way that allows you to assess your own values and cater to them, without watering down the message on potentially controversial material.

[Bethany · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had the 2008 version on my shelf I bought in 2013. I think some of the references might have been outdated even in 2013. Hopefully it has been significantly updated since then. The basic ideas are still good and helpful though.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

So helpful! I’m so glad to have this information when my kids are young. I really feel like it will help me be the parent my children need. And the resource list at the end is amazing.

[July · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite informative! I was wondering where you can get all this information if you are not in a church program. Think this book offers the answer.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting overview of how to consistently, accurately introduce sexuality to your kids, while gaining their trust, and encouraging them to talk to you about sexuality. I was nervous at first when I saw that she's a minister, thought the book might be too religious, but as a Unitarian minister AND a mother of 2 kids, she did a great job of being impartial and open to all perspectives and values.

I really liked the questionnaires that she offers in each chapter, it's a great tool for defining your own values. I also liked the guidance she provided on terminology for body parts, and what level of detail and explanation is appropriate by age group.

While I had a hard time with the concept of out and out telling your child the details of actual intercourse (not until the age of 8 or so) her explanation seems very logical -- better from the kids to hear it from you than from someone they don't trust. And don't we all want to do a better job talking about sexuality with our kids than our parents did? Basically having the birds and the bees book mysteriously showing up in our rooms when we're 12 or so, with no additional conversation or follow up?

AND, it's really the only option out there, at least the only one I could find. Will be great to re-read every couple of years as the kids grow.

[Tanya · Rating 3 out of 5]

My copy was a 2004 edition, and the references to various pop culture events and icons feel dated. And it covers rue Internet, but not more modern technology such as snapchat and Instagram. I read the chapters from ages 5-8 and up, so cannot provide review on the earlier chapters. This book did bring up situations I had not considered for the younger age set, but might have made me overly cautious had I read it when my kids were younger. The author shares her values and discusses her experience with her children very specifically, admitting when it didn't always go as planned. She also gives some very specific dialogs for conveying family values about various topics, from TV, to how to dress, to looking at Playboy or other adult magazines to dealing with sexual orientation. Building and maintaining self-esteem are core components and avoiding demeaning behavior, especially how women or non--Caucasian are explicit in this book. Sexuality is seen as normal and the dialogs should be early and often.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic book on the topic of building open healthy lines of communication between you and your child regarding sexuality. Not sex, but, sexuality, and there is definitely a difference. The book discusses everything from "naming" your child's parts properly to healthy definitions of love. I cant say enough how wonderful this book is! Every parent should read it and think about how they want to present sexuality to their children. I love how the book is set up with questions regarding each topic to ask yourself. There is no right or wrong answer to these questions, just tools for you to use to determine your message of sexuality. Whether we want to believe it or not, all children, regardless of age are sexual beings, and get their cues for dealing with their own sexuality from their parents and caregivers, therefore its important to understand our own feelings on topics of sexuality.

A must read.

[Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first parenting book I've read since my kids were toddlers. I enjoyed the author's direct approach to discussing sexuality with children. Important to note is that sexuality is very different from sex. We are bombarded by messages about sexuality in our society, and in my opinion, this book can help parents guide their children. As the father of an 8 and 6 year old, I wish I had read it about four years ago.

What stood out to me was the need for parents to identify and discuss their own values, and then discuss with their children how the messages they see and hear relate to those values. The author presents questions before each chapter to help parents identify their own values. In addition, each chapter contains bulleted lists of the key facts that each age group need to know.

[Zach · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got this book from the library because I want to be more than the father who brandishes a shotgun every time a pubescent boy comes within a mile radius of my daughter. There is definitely some useful information in this book for that purpose. However, I found it difficult to take Haffner's advice at face value when she rarely cites specific, empirical evidence. She uses the phrase "Study after study" a lot, but usually doesn't specify what the studies were.

I also found it troubling that, while she acknowledged the pressures of a society that values appearance above all else in girls, Haffner seemed to place the onus on young girls for dressing in what she considers to be revealing clothes. Even so, she's careful to lay out her own values and stress that not everyone will share them.

This book isn't what I hoped it would be, but I'm glad I read it all the same.

[HeavyReader · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book gives some good advice to parent's about making sex education a normal and consistant part of family life. I don't agree with everything the author says (and she says some things as if they are the TRUTH), but I did agree with a lot. I like the way the book is written; it is very accessible and I would recommend it to people with kids or who think they might have kids one day.

Give it to your breeder friend at the next baby shower you get roped into going to.

[S.M. Reine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some helpful advice, but the author is one of those crazy helicopter parent types. For example, when her daughter lost the science fair, she flipped out at the school and insisted that they no longer judge projects in that fashion to protect the students' self-esteem. Really? REALLY? Take her advice with a (hefty) grain of salt.

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this mostly because my daughter is rapidly heading toward puberty (she's 9). A very good book that did help me get some ideas for how to talk to her about the dreaded life lessons. A few spots need to be updated to reflect the internet era though (it still has references to Compuserve and Prodigy!).

[Bonnie Tesch · Rating 4 out of 5]

After teaching sex ed to middle and high schoolers, I really agree with the author's thesis that this is a process that needs to happen in the home, and needs to start young. I would recommend the book (and would love an update, given that both the internet and the available resources have changed in the last seventeen years).

[Armando Gutierrez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy read with tons of information

The book is well written and easy to read. The author includes a lot of useful formation as well as personal anecdotes about raising her children and anecdotes from friends and colleagues. At the end of the book there is an appendix with many other resources for further reading.

[Princess · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book when my daughter was a baby and I learned so much! I'm actually going to check it out from the library and read it again to refresh my memory. I really should just break down and buy it!

[Meribeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book to talk to your young children about sexuality with common sense approach. Allows family values to be incorporated into the approach without preaching. Liked the book so much I bought it.

[Laine]

Great book so far!!! Not just about sexuality. It is also about boundaries, values, and self esteem. Going to be interesting though...my child might be the only one at school who uses the word vulva.

[The Other Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book. Highly recommend as a great reference to have on hand to help navigate the awkward world of teaching healthy sexuality as a parent. Originally checked this out of the library but found myself ordering a copy to have in my personal library while halfway through reading it.

[WW · Rating 4 out of 5]

I absolutely agree with her ideas. Great info for expanding on conversations I've already been having with my daughter. I enjoyed the summaries at the ends of the chapters, but would have enjoyed seeing more citations.

[Mcrownover]

have only skimmed it so far, but has a lot of good ideas on how to incorporate sexuality into conversations/or answer kids questions according to their age. I really like the author's philosophy.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nothing really new to add to the discussion, but it's nice to have it all in one place, rather than stretched out among various other developmental and parenting books.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful. I only read the current age range, though.