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How Children Raise Parents: The Art of Listening to Your Family
Parenting with Humility...We often realize that we learn as much from our children as they learn from us. So why don't parents approach the task of child-rearing as a learning experience, rather than a mandate to make sure their kids succeed in life?
To reduce the pressure and enjoy greater closeness in your family, turn your parenting upside-down by allowing God to use your children to help you grow up. Imagine what would happen if you began to prize what you're being taught by your children's quirks, failures, and normal childhood dilemmas, rather than worrying about whether you're doing everything right as a parent. Now you can let go of the pressure to make sure your children succeed, and instead learn to grow into spiritual maturity by listening to your children.
To reduce the pressure and enjoy greater closeness in your family, turn your parenting upside-down by allowing God to use your children to help you grow up. Imagine what would happen if you began to prize what you're being taught by your children's quirks, failures, and normal childhood dilemmas, rather than worrying about whether you're doing everything right as a parent. Now you can let go of the pressure to make sure your children succeed, and instead learn to grow into spiritual maturity by listening to your children.
240 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 2003
27 people are currently reading
799 people want to read
About the author
Dan B. Allender
58 books396 followersDan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
March 22, 2009
This is a typical Allender book where every sentence deserves a life time of pondering...I loved his two basic questions children ask parents - Am I loved? and Can I get my own way? Ultimately we are all asking those questions of God.
April 11, 2012
This was one of the best parenting books I have read. Not a "how to" guide for producing perfect children but a nitty gritty examination of how God equips imperfect parents to raise imperfect children. It is honest, encouraging, helpful and hopeful.
February 16, 2015
I vacillated between giving this book two and three stars. Two was the ultimate choice, because I wanted to like this book more than I did. The book has a strong premise: children can help their parents grow into the people God created them to be. However, I think this primary message often gets lost in the meandering content, which I often found disorganized and felt could have benefited from some editorial tightening. I started skimming some of the chapters toward the end, because the philosophical musings didn't interest me.
Although the author directly quotes Scripture throughout the book, he frequently does so indirectly as well. My personal preference is for any Bible passages to be directly quoted (I figure you can't improve on the original), and for the author to then provide their paraphrase and/or interpretation, as he/she is inclined.
As a nonfiction book, I also felt that facts and statistics weren't documented as thoroughly as they should have been. For instance, at one point the author states, "Studies have shown a higher incidence of spousal abuse in cities hosting a professional football game" (p. 208 in my edition). That statement may be true, but are readers expected to take the author's word for it? I know that in this age of Google, it's easy to look up this kind of information. But as a fellow nonfiction author, I feel I owe my readers the courtesy of demonstrating that I have done my research and know my sources, and that I'm not simply spouting "facts" as I recall them.
In summary, I did glean some helpful nuggets of wisdom from this book, but it took a lot of prospecting to find them.
P.S. ***Spoiler alert*** The dragging out of the story of his daughter's arrest over several chapters drove me crazy. As I reader, I felt strung along and hoped against hope that the author didn't use that as some device to keep me reading.
Although the author directly quotes Scripture throughout the book, he frequently does so indirectly as well. My personal preference is for any Bible passages to be directly quoted (I figure you can't improve on the original), and for the author to then provide their paraphrase and/or interpretation, as he/she is inclined.
As a nonfiction book, I also felt that facts and statistics weren't documented as thoroughly as they should have been. For instance, at one point the author states, "Studies have shown a higher incidence of spousal abuse in cities hosting a professional football game" (p. 208 in my edition). That statement may be true, but are readers expected to take the author's word for it? I know that in this age of Google, it's easy to look up this kind of information. But as a fellow nonfiction author, I feel I owe my readers the courtesy of demonstrating that I have done my research and know my sources, and that I'm not simply spouting "facts" as I recall them.
In summary, I did glean some helpful nuggets of wisdom from this book, but it took a lot of prospecting to find them.
P.S. ***Spoiler alert*** The dragging out of the story of his daughter's arrest over several chapters drove me crazy. As I reader, I felt strung along and hoped against hope that the author didn't use that as some device to keep me reading.
July 13, 2012
I haven't read a parenting book in years, but this one is refreshing in many ways, esp. the two questions Allender points to as those kids most want answers to: Am I loved and Can I get my way? Good parenting deals with these head on and constantly...and should show our kids that, yes, they are madly loved, by both us and God, and, no, getting their way is not going to happen when it is a bad idea.
November 3, 2009
Still one of the best books I've read on parenting - it's not a how to be the best parent book instead it is encouragement and teaching how to learn and enjoy and live and love freely. Reading it made me thankful again that God has given the gift of our boys to us. Parenting is HARD but oh so RICH!
July 15, 2012
A great framework for thinking about parenting. (9/10)
June 18, 2022
Dan Allender is a hero of mine. He always brings me to tears. This book was short but to the point and is a great paradigm shift.
February 8, 2015
In his thoughtful book How Children Raise Parents: The Art of Listening to Your Family, Dan Allender posits that while we think of parents as raising children, in fact children often “raise” us by showing us our weaknesses and faults and challenging us to examine our thoughts and beliefs in deeper ways.
Allender believes that at root children are asking parents “Am I loved?” and “Can I get what I want?” and that parents have to navigate the answers to those questions through the lens of the Gospel and in different ways for different children and different stages. He makes a strong point about our role as parents being to help our children grow in the gifts and talents God gives each one uniquely, rather than forcing our kids into whatever mold we grew up with or our personal subculture demands.
{Read my full review here}
Allender believes that at root children are asking parents “Am I loved?” and “Can I get what I want?” and that parents have to navigate the answers to those questions through the lens of the Gospel and in different ways for different children and different stages. He makes a strong point about our role as parents being to help our children grow in the gifts and talents God gives each one uniquely, rather than forcing our kids into whatever mold we grew up with or our personal subculture demands.
{Read my full review here}
May 9, 2014
A challenging thought provoking read about what we are learning from our children in who we are. That children are asking 2 fundamental questions. Am I loved? and Can I get my own way? and how parenting is a navigating through the need for deep love but also the recognition that getting their own way often does not lead to the best for them. That a fundamental part of being a parent is to reveal the character of God who both deeply loves us but also calls us often out of getting our own selfish ways onto His way. But also it is a call to recognise we will fail and that in our failing with our children we must ask what we are learning from them about ourselves that needs God's transforming touch. It's the sort of book that warrants reading more than than once to plumb it's depths.
August 29, 2014
in my opinion, this was a ground-breaking book. There are only 2 other books about being an effective underling that i know of (from a business standpoint): Courageous Follower and Called to Serve. Now i consider this the third: how our kids--even and especially those who act out and have issues--can and do form character in us. It is about allowing the experience of having children that can teach us to also become better and more effective followers ourselves. It is an invitation to let others teach us and form us, even unlikely sources. Well worth reading.
October 19, 2017
This is a TERRIFIC book for all parents. Allender is honest (brutally and beautifully so) and challenging while managing to provide mercy and a compelling vision for what being a parent can mean for kids and for the parent themselves. A whole bunch of great one liners/quotables, terrific personal stories, and also practical parenting material. If you're looking for specific "foolproof" tactics, look elsewhere. But if you're looking to develop a richer view of parenthood and all it can mean, look no further.
July 28, 2010
Allender addresses the idea that God uses our children to "grow us up" in Him. He acknowledges that we will never, despite all our good intentions, be perfect parents. Failure is simply a part of parenthood. But we can learn how to hear our children's voices as they point us to Christ. Not much of a practical parenting guide for sure, but food for thought and something I will definitely come back to again as my children get older.
September 11, 2013
The author does not have a "10 Step Plan" for being a better parent. Instead, he tells us some stories of when he got parenting right and when he got it wrong. I have just begun my parenting journey, and I am already seeing how I'm doing things right in some cases and wrong in others. It was a good encouragement of how to continue and get better.
October 11, 2016
Solidly encouraging, challenging and helpful parenting book. I read and discussed this with a group of parents and we all appreciated the author's thoughts and ideas. Basically, he advocates giving kids love and structure, while taking advantage of your relationship with your child/ren to mature as a person.
February 7, 2008
This book will shake the foundation of your parenting, especially if you are like me and enjoy rules and lists. Parenting is impossible, he says. Amen! But through relationship and engagement, we as parents grow and love our kids well.
December 8, 2011
It was a refreshing change of pace from the typical parenting book full of principles and how-to's. He addresses how your children affect you and are given to be part of God's story for your heart as much as you are a part of shaping theirs.
July 14, 2011
This book is one of the best parenting books I've ever read. Especially concerning your spirituality and how it affects your children's lives and their spiritual journey. I recommend it to every person who is or will be a parent!
August 14, 2011
was NOT a parenting "how-to" as much as an encouragement to KNOW your children and parent them as well as you can... I'd recommend this to anyone with kids!! (it is from a Christian perspective, but useful stuff for any parent, i think.)
March 6, 2013
Good stuff. Read it in our small group, so there was some good conversation, too. The basic premise questions (what our kids are constantly asking) 1: Do you love me? 2: Can I have my own way? really spoke to me.
May 26, 2015
Part of this book are great, others are very frustrating. Overall worth the time and the effort though. Not much really out there like this. Helpful in provoking more intentionalality in how I am raising my children and how they contribute GREATLY to my sanctification.
June 19, 2007
A very poetic and moving look at parenting, and what it is really all about.
October 15, 2007
i recommend this to every parent I know
Read
March 25, 2009It's been over a year and I'm still reading this bit by bit because it's so dense with good thoughts.
December 17, 2016
Read portions w/ Jaimie & Krissi in 2010
Referenced in Scott Sauls' "Jesus Outside the Lines" pg 85
Referenced in Scott Sauls' "Jesus Outside the Lines" pg 85
November 15, 2010
This book is not a how-to on parenting, but talks about how parenting is an impossible job to do. Children really do help us in our sanctification process. Awesome book!
January 5, 2012
Worth reading even though kids are grown. Lots of wisdom yet to be gleaned from Dan Allender that I can use as a grandparent. Wish this book had been around when I was a young parent.
July 8, 2013
One of my favorite parenting books! It's helpful for a long-term vision, which the parenting journey requires.
March 16, 2014
A fresh look at parenting and how the unique bent of our children shapes us, and not the other way around. Lots of wonderful insight and wisdom to be gleaned!
June 28, 2018
So much good stuff in here I felt I was underlining the entire book.
July 6, 2021
With so many books about being the perfect parent and how to successfully raise perfect children, this book is a rare bird in its approach. While the title of the book can be a bit misleading, its more correct to call it "what raising children makes us realize about ourselves". It not about children raising parents, but rather going into the parenting portion of your life realizing that you will make mistakes, that you will need forgiveness (from both your spouse and children) and that you will learn as you go.
Allender is quite humble and likewise eagerly willing to show his shortcomings. This flies in contrast to so many books where it is often a author simply wanting to give themselves a pat on the back for being so amazing at parenting. He goes into grave detail to explain where he has failed and needed to reconcile with his children.
Much of the things which are required beyond humbleness and asking for forgiveness is presence. Being there with your children, living alongside them. Letting them fail without stepping in too quickly so that they can learn to pick themselves back up, but keeping a watchful eye to prevent them from drowning in life. Ask them questions, live life together and quite importantly play with your children. Play with them when they are young and play with them when they are old. Engage in conversation often and never allow topics to be off limits.
The one thing that I did find a bit odd is the "Childs Bent", which it seemed like an odd way that most people would say Lot. There had to be another word he could have used that came up in the thesaurus for him, so would be interested to know why he chose bent. As I have never heard anyone call it that, but more often lot in life, path, etc.
Its a solid book which I would highly recommend.
Allender is quite humble and likewise eagerly willing to show his shortcomings. This flies in contrast to so many books where it is often a author simply wanting to give themselves a pat on the back for being so amazing at parenting. He goes into grave detail to explain where he has failed and needed to reconcile with his children.
Much of the things which are required beyond humbleness and asking for forgiveness is presence. Being there with your children, living alongside them. Letting them fail without stepping in too quickly so that they can learn to pick themselves back up, but keeping a watchful eye to prevent them from drowning in life. Ask them questions, live life together and quite importantly play with your children. Play with them when they are young and play with them when they are old. Engage in conversation often and never allow topics to be off limits.
The one thing that I did find a bit odd is the "Childs Bent", which it seemed like an odd way that most people would say Lot. There had to be another word he could have used that came up in the thesaurus for him, so would be interested to know why he chose bent. As I have never heard anyone call it that, but more often lot in life, path, etc.
Its a solid book which I would highly recommend.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews