The Intimate Mystery: Creating Strength and Beauty in Your Marriage

by Dan B. Allender, Tremper Longman III

Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III have together written this brief, simple and charming introduction to help couples build healthy and happy marriages. Their model follows the "leave, weave and cleave" imagery of the Bible: leave your parents, weave a life together and cleave to each other. This book is part of a kit that includes everything needed to mentor individual married couples or to lead a group discussion. It will be especially helpful for newlyweds or young married couples who are just beginning their new life together.

Genres: Marriage, Relationships, Christian Living, Nonfiction, Spirituality, Counselling, Christian

107 pages, Hardcover

First published June 1, 2005

About the author

Dan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.

Reviews

[Ryan Jankowski · Rating 4 out of 5]

This would be a helpful book to begin during premarital counseling, but likewise valuable at other stages of marriage.

Allender writes on page 20, "They [each person of the trinity] are distinct in being, coequal and different in function." which could be construed as pretty blatant heresy, but earlier he had written, "The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are coequal in their being..." (p.20). Obviously it cannot be both, but I imagine he intended 'being' to refer to their 'person' (hypostasis) in the former quote. Longman is a pretty solid theologian, so I am surprised that was missed.

Even so, the book was great and includes six helpful studies at the end which would make this a very practical guide for a small group (or couple) study. There are other resources included with the book that can be downloaded online (though I haven't looked at that).

[Samuel Kassing · Rating 4 out of 5]

Leave, weave, cleave. A little over 3 1/2 years into our marriage this book was a lot of fun to read. I recommend to a married couple who is in a hard, average or good place in their marriage. It's littered with frank talk and honesty. Both practical and principled. Helpful for understanding your past and how to pursue health in the future.

—

Still one of my favorite books on marriage.

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book on marriage I've ever read!!! It will inspire you in so many ways!!

[Jake Ruefer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really a 3.5 star. Lots of good stuff here and good for pre-martial counseling. But Allender is a very scattered writer in my opinion. Sometimes that works to the advantage of the book but mostly you are yanked in a few directions.

[Maryna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best marriage book I’ve read to date.

[Shaun Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

The two authors are a dynamic duo - Allender provides the engaging narrative while Longman III oversees the content to be shaped by sound theology. The pacing of the book was fantastic, allowing for quick absorption and thoughtful reflection/application (with reference to the reader's own marriage life). The content and illustrations are highly relatable for the married couple, every one of which is bound to have marriage issues/problems.

No excess ink was spilt; the brevity of the material keeps it accessible to novice readers. In reading the opening chapter, I however was worried that this book appeared to deviate from Allender’s and Longman III’s popular-level pitching to the layman (the vocabulary used was more suited to intermediate to advanced readers). Thankfully, the usually easy-to-follow content soon resumed in the subsequent chapters.

It is a pity that the title did not provide a clue on how useful the opening chapters would be for a pre-marriage couple (though the closing chapters on sex are more appropriate after the wedding). How I wished that we had read this book to get some insight on how to deal with the intense stress, anger and quarrels of managing the demands of the in-laws from both sides of the family (who all wanted to insist on this and that for the wedding). And woefully this book sat on my bookshelf until a year and a half after the nightmarish battles; if I could turn back time, I'd have definitely tried to read this title together with my wife-to-be, to provide us with a theological and practical approach to the challenges ahead.

This is an excellent book and I heartily recommend it! I bought a handful of copies to give as wedding gifts to my newly-wedded friends whose weddings I would attend shortly! Perhaps this personal endorsement would make up for my desire not to spoil any of the content in this review!

[Alfie Mosse · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall a good book on relationships. I like the model of "Leave - Cleave and Weave." This is subjective, but I find the writing a little too flowery. For me, the style of writing is a bit distracting from the content. I have one criticism of the content. I think Allender is sometimes too absolute and doesn't consider his wider audience. I have the Kindle version, so here is one example at location 179. He writes, "Marriage is a crucial matrix where we experiment and refine how we will live ethically. If we cheat on our wife, we will cheat in every other arena of life. If we are faithful to our spouse, it doesn't mean we will live well elsewhere but it is at least a good bet that we will. Marriage is the beginning point of how we construct our character for the world. In the womb of this relationship, God intends for us to craft our character to be like his own." When I read this I wondered what I would think if I was single. If marriage is indeed "the beginning point of how we construct our character" then my single friends have not even begun to develop in their character. I don't think that really reflects reality. I am assuming that Allender is using hyperbole, but not sure.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like this book for a couple reasons. The top among them is that it is short. Another is that I went to Mars Hill Graduate School. Finally because it asks more of marriage than most of the marriage books out there. I am hoping to use this book more in my premarital and maybe even marriage counseling when appropriate, but the problem is that I am unsure that people who didn't go to Mars Hill Graduate School will have any idea what Dan and Tremper are calling people too. I feel that the book uses language that was common to Mars Hill and throughs it out into the public without much explanation and I wonder if your average reader will pick up what Dan is laying down. There isn't much explanation in the book but I am hoping that it will be a good tool for working with couples.

[G Walker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very good... helpful... could have been better in that all the supplemental book(lets) could have been included or modified to all be in one volume - so it was all in one location for he edification of the reader. In the end this book suffered because of marketing and capitalism - nothing else.

[Terra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book on marriage I've read...even better if you can hear the teaching in person.

[Jen Simmons · Rating 4 out of 5]

excellent book on marriage, good for pre-marital counseling. a bit hyperbolic for emphasis, could do without that. but good stuff overall.

[Miho · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Cleaving" section was full of new learnings for me. I wish there was education with this kind of positive and healthy view of sex from youth ...

[Rich · Rating 4 out of 5]

currently using this book/curriculum with core/small groups at the church I work for.