Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships

by Tim Clinton

In this transformational book, the authors have used ground-breaking research to develop four primary patterns of relating to one another that shed light on our actions--and how we can learn to love and be loved even better.

Genres: Counselling, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Christian, Mental Health

272 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 1, 2006

About the author

Also credited as Timothy Clinton

Tim Clinton, Ed. D. is President of the nearly 50,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), the largest and most diverse Christian counseling association in the world. He is Professor of Counseling and Pastoral Care, and Executive Director of the Center for Counseling and Family Studies at Liberty University. Licensed in Virginia as both a Professional Counselor (LPC) and Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Tim now spends a majority of his time working with Christian leaders and professional athletes. He is recognized as a world leader in faith and mental health issues and has authored 20 books including his latest, Breakthrough: When to Give In, When to Push Back. Most importantly, Tim has been married 31 years to his wife Julie and together they have two children, Megan and Zach.

Reviews

[Chad · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read. It will explain you to the reasons why all the people around you are crazy.

[Lexi Weaver · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was the required textbook for my Marriage and Family Counseling class. Although it can feel simplistic at times, I still found it to be extremely helpful when it comes to understanding relationship styles and soul wounds. I also came away with a better understanding of how to better process my story in the light of who Jesus is. I highly recommend it not only for counselors in training, but also for anyone who enjoys learning about relationships and desires to understand their story in deeper ways.

[Bailey Marissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book that discusses the four attachment cycles, why we should care about the attachment cycles, and why it's important to try to move forward. The authors also give some tips on dealing with why we do things and how our history does not have to define our future.

Recommended 15+ for talks of marriage/sex, addiction, and other problems of life.

Used with Liberty University Online's CCOU 301: Christian Counseling for Marriage & Family.

[Shirley K · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read,
Will definitely read it again!

[Joanna Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

A look at healthy relationships through the lens of attachment styles. Broad scope and applies to mild to medium disfunction. Particularly liked the chapter on secure parenting.

[Andy Montero · Rating 5 out of 5]

(2024 update) Still great parenting / compassion-building book.



Very insightful read on how our past helps form beliefs about ourselves and others, affecting how we do relationships. Has a great perspective on healthy relationships and boundaries, as well as how to make the changes to move toward a secure relationship style, which is essentially what the Bible helps form in us.

I was surprised to see so many good parenting tips and strategies here! Portrays the responsibilities of good, godly parenting and its effect on the child's relationship with others and, most importantly, with God.

Would highly recommend to parents and those who want to build compassion for others and themselves.

[Ronald J. Pauleus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many should read this book. It’s so eye opening and informative! It shows how the past influences the present and tells us the potential for a better future because of Hope. Childhood development is way more important than I realized.

[Ed Barton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Christian Relationship Framework

The book looks at relationships - primarily within the family, though touching on friendships as well - within a framework of childhood experience and Christian resources and support to overcome historical predisposition and paradigms. An interesting book and not quite what I expected, but it made me reflect on my own relationships and the framework of analysis.

[Roy Van Den Brande · Rating 3 out of 5]

It started of strong, and there are gems of wisdom in the book, grounded in proven psychological theories. But when in part 2 the great solution is: just believe more in God and all will work out in the end... You lost me. it's not that religion can't be useful here, but when all you have is a hammer, everything starts looking as a nail. When all you have is scripture, everything has a religious solution.

[Ariel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book quite literally changed my life. I had to read this book for a psychology class in college and I’m so thankful!! This is the closest thing to pretty much free counseling. It really opened my eyes to my inner workings and helped me come to see and work through a lot of hurt from my past. Highly recommend!

[Jonathan Richardson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the regular reminders an pointers to God's involvement in our journey of breaking free from unhealthy patterns we have in our relationships. Many other great aspects I found in this book which has help me also to see others with more understanding and greater compassion for they way they act in different situations

[cindy meeks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book

I liked this book as it gave an assessment you can do yourself and then step by step of how to change how you relate to others. It talked about examples of each type in each step

[Krystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had a lot of good information. I like that it gave stories and examples of the various relationship types and how they handle conflict. It broke them down then gave advice on how to improve your communication based on your relationship style.

[Greg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Simple concepts and clearly explained, really insightful for a newbie to psychology. It was written perfectly for this kind of audience and will be able to take the ideas and most importantly apply them.

[Josh Soule · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent read. Very enlightening. And a rare, much-needed christian perspective on psychology.

As an educator and a parent, I found this very valuable. It helped me analyze myself, and better understand those around me. A must read!

[Amanda Gorial · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really loved this book.
Makes thing a lot more clearer that one might not be able to articulate the way they are or why they do the things they do, and how that results in their attachment and relationship style.
Very enlightening!

[Kaylan Madson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super insightful read. It was so cool to see myself in the pages and feel encouraged to strive for a more secure relationship style starting with my relationship with Christ. The book was very well organized and I enjoyed the case studies provided throughout.

[Craig Stoltzfoos · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Where before you generally saw just your weakness and frailties, now you’re able to see your strengths as well. More importantly, you’ll begin to see how God has worked in your pain to woo you closer to Himself and to bring healing moments throughout your journey.”

[Christopher Petty · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book would be helpful for anyone with a strong faith in God, who is struggling to figure out why they have relationship trouble.

[Sage]

Not a bad book, just wasn’t what I was looking for to read at this time.

[Alec Lifschultz III · Rating 5 out of 5]

This isn't just another "point a finger at yourself" book. Tim Clinton gives you the tools to overcome self defeating beahavior.

[James Creasman · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best psychological / relational / personal growth books I have read.

[Paige · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good stuff to better understand yourself and others.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly triggering, yet Insightful.

[Lisha Haase · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audio version, but I am going to order a print copy to refer to/share. It is really helping me understand myself and loved ones better.

[Lisa Detweiler · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could feel the book's age (2006) and wished for more neurological explanation throughout. It felt simplistic at times but was a good overview of attachment styles.

[Rosie Blake · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a good book! I feel like I learned so much about myself while reading the book.

[Charity · Rating 5 out of 5]

a must read!!

This book is so helpful in understanding people and what is the reason for the choices they make. I’ve done a lot of study on attachment styles in children but it is SO helpful to read this book as a sort of missing link in understanding how childhood attachment (and trauma) can lead to ways of behavior into adulthood. I recommend everyone read this book as a way to understand people AND to better understand yourself!!

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book about relationship styles from a Christian perspective. It is filled with research and statistics, which I appreciate.

This is a really heavy book, especially for someone who had a less than ideal upbringing. The first chapter left me feeling like I had been broken into pieces, but it also forced me to face my past in ways I hadn't been willing to. It was a great spiritual tool for me as I prayed and begged God to root out my issues and a continual reminder that despite my upbringing, I am more secure than I should be according to research and statistics. And despite all the ways I may fail as a parent, God's grace and love is what will shape my child in the end, if he chooses to accept it. A great tool for parents and non-parents alike!

[Single & Sound · Rating 4 out of 5]

really good and inciteful. A 'self help' book (for want of a better phrase) taken from a christian counselling perspective. Once I got beyond trying to identify traits of all my lost loves (bit of a cathartic blame session) I started to do a lot of self examination and trust me - these guys are good! So good, i bought a copy for my then boyfriend who carried it around with him everywhere he went, siezing the opportunity whenever it arose for a quick paragraph fix. If you are serious about healing the wounds of the past that stop you from moving forward and cultivating healthy wholesome relationships, then this book is a good read!