Following Ezra: What One Father Learned About Gumby, Otters, Autism, and Love From His Extraordinary Son

by Tom Fields-Meyer

A heartwarming, intimate and amusing memoir of a father's experience raising his autistic son.

When Tom Fields-Meyer's son Ezra was three and showing early signs of autism, a therapist suggested that the father needed to grieve.
"For what?" he asked.
The answer: "For the child he didn't turn out to be."

That moment helped strengthen the author's resolve to do just the opposite: to love the child Ezra was, a quirky boy with a fascinating and complex mind. Full of tender moments and unexpected humor, Following Ezra is the story of a father and son on a ten-year journey from Ezra's diagnosis to the dawn of his adolescence. It celebrates his growth from a remote toddler to an extraordinary young man, connected in his own remarkable ways to the world around him.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Memoir, Psychology, Biography Memoir, Parenting, Biography

256 pages, Paperback

First published September 6, 2011

Reviews

[Scottsdale Public Library]

I found this book refreshing. Too often, it seems, there are books about parents, their children, and unrealized expectations. Those expectations end up crippling relationships and the books subsequently written about them express the journey of repairing those wounds and healing those grievances. This book veers completely from that course, similarly to the development of the titular child. When the author and his wife discover that their son, Ezra, has autism, the father describes how he has no need to grieve. All he ever wanted to do was to love his son -- why should autism change love? It doesn't, and through every difficult day, every potentially upsetting situation, this father shrugs off the difficulties and instead chooses to see his son for what he is: unique, challenging, and beautiful. This book is heartwarming, funny, and optimistic. In a world where so much of what we hear on the news or experience secondhand is terrifying and uncertain, this book reassures, even if unintentionally. It has a decided "we can do it" attitude, and that is still an attitude worth pursuing. –Karen H.

[Tom Quinn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanna have a big heart
I don't wanna play a small part
I know I had a rough start
And I'd like to think things through
-"I'm Going to Love My Children"

There's a ridiculous funnysad pre-diagnosis period where your kid won't put on shoes, or won't brush their teeth, or won't settle down for bedtime, or won't eat their sandwich unless it's cut diagonally northeast-to-southwest, or whatever, and you're trying the hottest parenting bestseller strategy and not getting results and your child is hollering and you begin to worry: Is this book wrong? It can't be wrong, it sold a zillion copies and everyone swears by it. Am I doing it wrong? That can't be, I'm a grown-up and I know full well how to read a book. So that leaves the child. So that leaves... could it be... is the child... doing it wrong?

And that's absurd, because it's not possible for a child to do childhood wrong. A child's childhood unfolds organically and will only later be characterized as "happy" or "troubled" or what have you in retrospect, and the attribution of these qualities will boil down to simple truths: was my home safe? secure? supportive? Was my family loving, through and through?

So no. Your child's not doing it wrong. And you're not doing it wrong. And the book's not doing it wrong.

But you just might be doing the wrong It.

And if you can get comfortable with that, then with patience, attentiveness, openness, and a bunch of trial and error, the It you need to do will reveal Itself.

3 stars. Fields-Meyer doesn't give much in the way of practical tips or strategies, but is reassuring all the same. A welcome port for parents navigating unfamiliar waters.

[Tom Lichtenheld · Rating 5 out of 5]

First, full disclosure. I am acquainted with the author and his son, having worked with them on a publishing project. I expected to enjoy the book in part because of our acquaintance, but very soon realized that our association was irrelevant; I was riveted to the book just as much as if I'd picked it up at random, because it's a beautifully-written story with a powerfully universal message. It doesn't matter if you don't know anyone with autism (I don't), or don't even have children (I don't). Ezra's autism, and the author's approach to it, have a lot to teach all of us. For example, it made me realize that The Social Contract, which allows us to live together in relative harmony, is a dauntingly complex and contradictory arrangement when seen through the eyes of a literalist. It made me appreciate Judaism for it's emphasis on memory, community and healing a broken world. And it made me realize that we're all a bit autistic - it's just a matter of degree. But, most importantly, it made me realize the healing power of patience, creativity, family and community. So, don't read it because it's a story about autism. Read it because it's a well-crafted, moving story, period. As full of humor, insight and drama as any fiction, but with the authenticity of truth.

[Aiyana · Rating 5 out of 5]

While this book is definitely written from a neurotypical viewpoint, it is fearlessly and unapologetically positive about the experience of raising an autistic child, and I love it for that. For all that the author struggles to understand the way his son's mind works, however, I can't help but think how lucky he is that Ezra is so very verbal and expressive, compared to many of the children I work with. His father may be bewildered at why certain things that send his child into a screaming meltdown, but at least Ezra can let him know what triggered the panic.

The parents in this book are successful because they seek out methods of doing things that work with their son's strengths and compensate for his weaknesses. They learn from their mistakes, and do their best to raise their son as a happy, responsible, and caring person, rather than focusing on making him more "normal" or insisting that he learn in typical ways. Because they work tirelessly to understand Ezra's needs, Ezra is ultimately able to accomplish wonderful things, including a bar mitzvah ceremony.

This is a book that any parents with a special needs child should read.

[Gayle Cole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Following Ezra is an important book about raising a child who has autism. Not any child, not all children, not the full spectrum of kids, but one boy named Ezra. In my opinion, it does not presume to be more, to get political or to speak for anyone, though in many passages I find it telling my own feelings and experiences. It purely resonates. The book is full of simplicity and love, and I treasure that about it.

My favorite part of the book:
When Ezra says, "You are proud of me." My solar plexus ached, and that is all I can say about that.

Parts of the book that felt like I might have written them myself:
p. 3 "a personal journey, beginning in darkness, fascination, love, and ultimately, a sense of awe for our unique, exceptional son."
p. 19 "He's gone."
"p. 24 "One evening, I try to put Ezra to bed one hundred times in a row. And that is just the beginning. The trouble is, I'm following instructions that were written for another kid."
p. 34 "I once understood that having children meant sacrificing some sense of control, but more and more I find myself in situations like the one at the hair salon that seem completely out hand, and beyond my ability to manage."
p. 60-61 "the dismal sense that we might never get this right -- that raising a child with no intuitive social instinct will be treacherous, a minefield with unseen disasters lurking everywhere ... Uncensored, he obsessively points out and comments not just on overweight people, but a laundry list of oddities."
p. 152 "At the movies, he can take in dialogue without anyone expecting him to respond -- and he can play a DVD over and over again until he understands the words and keep listening until he commits the dialogue to memory. That explains why for several years of his childhood it's almost impossible to engage Ezra in dialogue, but he will routinely spout movie lines..."


What I think of this book: It should be required reading for most of society. The numbers of people affected by autism are vast, and this book offers a testimony that opens people's eyes, whether they are teachers or clerks in a store that sell Homer Simpson dolls, therapists or neighbors, members of a congregation or barbers who encounter people with special needs. Anyone who doesn't think they personally know someone deeply impacted by autism probably is not paying much attention.

Is it a good book? There is simply no way for me to answer that without bias, anymore than I would feel comfortable having my own children in my class and grading their work.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book refreshing. Too often, it seems, there are books about parents, their children, and unrealized expectations. Those expectations end up crippling relationships and the books subsequently written about them express the journey of repairing those wounds and healing those grievances. This book veers completely from that course, similarly to the development of the titular child. When the author and his wife discover that their son, Ezra, has autism, the father describes how he has no need to grieve. All he ever wanted to do was to love his son -- why should autism change love? It doesn't, and through every difficult day, every potentially upsetting situation, this father shrugs off the difficulties and instead chooses to see his son for what he is: unique, challenging, and beautiful. The overall message of this book is the usual PC theme: different is okay. Ezra himself describes autism as good. And yet, it differs from other lines of thought because it never assumes there's a problem in the first place. Yes, Ezra is different. That is just the way he is. It doesn't mean that he is less of a person, or should be loved less. This book is heartwarming, funny, and optimistic. In a world where so much of what we hear on the news or experience secondhand is terrifying and uncertain, this book reassures, even if unintentionally. It has a decided "we can do it" attitude, and that is still an attitude worth pursuing.

[Caroljean · Rating 5 out of 5]

After two years of occupational therapy my son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder two weeks ago. I wasn't surprised, but I've still had a hard time breathing, a hard time saying the word, a hard time knowing exactly how we were going to move forward. This book might not tell me how exactly to get my son to take his socks off or how to get him to accept a bowl of oatmeal sitting on the table, but it did show me that we have all we need: love, patience, acceptance. Ezra's autism is in many ways different from my son's but there were definitely echoes of the familiar, from Thomas the Tank Engine and Star Wars obsessions, to tactics that I have tried. Following Ezra is exactly what I needed right now, not a book all about autism inside and out but a book about the blessings of autism about the blessing of being the parent of a challenged and challenging child.

[Dani Colon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh I cried- what a beautiful story!!!! I loved it so much!!!

[Sam Rosenberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

A little biased here, as I've known the author and his family for years (and currently work part-time with Ezra), but worth noting that it's beautifully written and heartfelt and I loved reading about the various anecdotes detailing Ezra's life through Tom's eyes. Gives such emotionally rich context to how Tom and Shawn have embraced Ezra's autism over the years and filled me with such gratitude and joy to know more about him in addition to my experiences working alongside him.

[Dee · Rating 4 out of 5]

loved it. a touching father's tale of family life with their autistic middle son. Moments of clarity and humor intwined with the reality of never knowing what the moment really holds and never knowing what to expect. Well written. Easy quick read.

[Nicola Allan · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.75 ⭐️ 3.5 seems a bit low but not quite a 4 😅

[Crystal · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this book was okay, it was a little slow and often hard to finish, but I really related with a lot of the passages and below are some of my favorites:

Life rarely goes according to plan, and too often we try to control situations that are beyond our control.
The things we least plan for can become our greatest treasures.

Like many parents, I saw my son’s challenges as something to get past so that my family and I could get on with our lives. I eventually learned that this IS life; this is what life is.

You have to let yourself grieve for the child he didn’t turn out to be.

My answer will never be to mourn. It will be to pour love on my son, to celebrate him, to understand, to support him, and to follow his lead.
(They were at the salon trying to cut his hair and he had a gigantic meltdown, throwing things, screaming, etc.) I once understood that having children meant sacrificing some sense of control, but more and more I find myself in situations like the one at the hair salon that seem completely out of hand, and beyond my ability to manage.

“I think it’s a good idea for you to bring him to meet one of our psychologists”,Denise said. I feel an odd mix of satisfactions and heartbreak.

For the next 20 minutes, she engages Ezra in a succession of tests.
I don’t understand most of the tests, and can’t discern what would constitute success or failure, so it’s difficult to know how to react or feel as I watch. I experience a tangle of emotions: Half of me is desperately rooting for Ezra, as if my kid’s in a soccer game and I’m cheering from the bleachers. The other half deeply wants Ezra to fail so that he can receive services.
“So….let’s talk”, says the woman doing the testing. Then she says, “I think Ezra is on the autism spectrum”. In years to come I will listen to many parents describe the moment they heard those words, or words like them, and how devastated they felt. Some will compare it to a punch in the stomach. Some will say they felt like they’d had all of the air sucked out of them. They describe disbelief, denial, shock. I don’t feel any of those things.
By the time we hear the word autism applied to our son, it feels almost like good news- like we’ve won some very twisted form of the lottery. It means we’ll get services.

She gives us a few ideas for how to start: make schedule books with visual cues about what’s going to happen every day, occupational therapy, and most important, to find a preschool where he will fit in and where the educators know how to help him.

[Christie Skipper Ritchotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written lovingly by the father of an autistic child, Following Ezra is a quick and excellent read. Anyone wanting to know what it's like living with an autistic child ought to read this; the stories are fantastically done. But it's probably most useful and edifying for those families in the thick of it. Especially illuminating were the chapters describing the careening descent into autism after age three (which was the age when we noticed things not-usual in our own son) and the diagnosis, and how the writer and his family deal with the challenges coming from a strong Jewish background. It's helpful to remember that autism knows no boundaries and affects people of every background, and seeing the path walked from discovery to acceptance through another parent's eyes is cathartic. There is nothing more terrifying to a parent than the first time they're told that "something may be wrong" with their child. The mind jumps years ahead, decades, imagining the worst, and there's denial and sadness, and not far behind loom dread and anger. Tom Fields-Meyer has approached this with a light touch that strikes true, and his book may help many others negotiate their own experience with that terror and the eventual acceptance. In the end there is much wonder at the talents and differences of the autistic mind, and much love for our children and hope for their promising futures.

[Peggy · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful book. Highly recommended. I have read several books on autism, but this was by far the most poignant. I knew the author when I was in high school, although not well. This revealed a side to him that I did not expect and was pleasantly surprised by the caring, loving nature of his relationship with his son.

Who should read this? Well, quite frankly, I'd put it any parent's reading list, not just parents of children with autism. I think we could all learn a lot from Tom in how he and his wife coped with their son Ezra, and instead of focusing on the negative, instead focused on the positive aspects. Certainly, parents of children with autism, especially those just recently diagnosed, should read this.

Granted, autism is a spectrum disorder. I could see some saying that there's no possible comparison between Ezra and their child. Some children have difficulties with eating, pica, sensory issues, as well as the more common communication, educational and socialization challenges. Ezra does seem like he's higher functioning than some children that I read about, but still, that doesn't take away from the message of this book, of love and acceptance, and of learning to celebrate the qualities of your child that make him/her special, rather than different.

[Susan D'Entremont · Rating 3 out of 5]

OK, I admit, I picked up this book from the library because I have a son named Ezra, and he lines up and sorts dinosaurs just like the author's Ezra. Although my son hasn't been diagnosed with autism, he does have social troubles and has many of the same behaviors that that the author's son has.

I found this book enjoyable because it was so upbeat about raising an autistic child. I especially loved Ezra's bar mitzvah speech. It is not a how-to book, or a practical guide, and doesn't go into much detail about how Ezra's autism was treated. It is more a story about the father (the author) and how Ezra affects his life.

It is a heartwarming and easy-to-read book, although I sometimes felt like the author was whitewashing his situation (or he's a much better parent than I am. Or both.) Some days I can barely get through my day with my two so-called normal kids without pulling my hair out, but this family sometimes seemed to breeze through life with three boys, including one with autism.

[Karis North · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loving, irreverent, incredibly patient memoir of a Dad and his young autistic son, from the discovery through his bar mitzvah. I loved it, and laughed out loud throughout, until the end where you will well up with emotion. Quick easy read, too.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir by a Jewish father about his autistic son and the rest of their family wouldn't seem to be in my wheelhouse, since I’m a non-Jewish non-parent who doesn't have any relatives with autism, but I loved it. It was entertaining and funny and touching.

[Becky Seabaugh · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fantastic book. It was like reading about our own life with Isaiah. They say all on the spectrum are different and unique; however, the similarities described in this book are amazing to me! I am so glad that a friend suggested I read this book.

[Karly Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was looking for something to help me feel less alone, and to seek out a sense of community as I begin my own journey raising a son with disabilities. I needed to hear another person’s experience, and this book filled that role perfectly!

[Jodelene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book, I read it in under 24 hours. Hearing Ezra's story told by Tom is inspirational and shows what great Parents Shawn & Tom really are.

[Bobbie Mission Viejo · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very interestng look at a family with a child with autism. This book teaches, is enlightening, hopeful and very honest. I would recommend it to anyone who deals with children in some capacity.

[Casey Cantrell · Rating 5 out of 5]

/tappity tap tip tap

Hellooooooooooo?

Full disclaimer: I work with Ezra on a podcast that I will definitely not plug here.

Following Ezra is a fascinating look into what it's like to raise a child with autism—from the weird quirks and idiosyncrasies to the mysterious and often frustrating everyday obstacles for someone who experiences the world in a radically different way.

It's a subject that's intimately familiar to me, as I have a brother who is on the spectrum. I recognized many of the strange behaviors exhibited by Ezra, because I've seen them in my brother: the incessant need for routine and pattern, the mysterious stimulae that trigger rapturous highs and debilitating outbursts, the unexpected small triumphs that would be trivial for you and me but spark outsize celebrations when it's my brother doing them.

But what Tom Fields-Meyer captures, and what makes this book so special to me, is the peculiar forms of communication that develop in a family with a child who has autism. Ezra (and I can speak to this personally) has a wholeheartedly unique way of expressing himself, seeing the world in almost infinitely granular detail and somehow connecting it all back to the animated shows and movies that he loves, or the animals he obsesses over, or the religion and culture his parents have raised him in. Whether it's a friend's birthday date or a certain dog breed, there's always a reference to an animated creation just around the corner.

Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that, in Ezra's eyes, everything is a reference to animation. He has an internalized language that operates like a codex, offering interpretations of everything else and helping him make sense of the world.

Over the course of the book, Fields-Meyer navigates and ultimately celebrates his son's different nature—as he rightfully should. Ezra's unique perspective, which many would cast as an obstacle to overcome, actually serves as a new and insightful way to see the world. He, just like my brother, sees connections we never possibly could, and through those connections mines new knowledge and wisdom. And honestly, there is no greater human triumph than that.

The book is full of humor, insight, silly moments and, yes, embarrassing moments, but it's also full of love and genuine joy for a son who traverses his own path. It's well worth a read, and for me, well worth the chance to get to know Ezra a little bit more.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

An inspiring story of a Jewish father and his son with autism, Following Ezra is funny and charming. It can be really hard to follow, as the author jumps back and forth in Ezra's lifetime with very little warning. (Also, for the first chapter or two, I thought this book was written by Ezra's mother, not his father, as I hadn't done any research into this book prior to reading it, and his wife has a name more commonly given to guys.)
The most remarkable thing about this book is the author's attitude toward his son. When a therapist first suggested that he and his wife should grieve for the child Ezra never would be, the author admits that he had very few, if any, expectations for his young son. It is mentioned only once, but affects the whole book in subtle ways. Where many memoirs of this type spend chapters discussing depression, mourning and marriage problems, this book does not, mostly because they did not occur. The 'search for answers' and the 'desire to confront those who are subconsciously biased' are parts of this book, though small ones. Mostly, this book is about Ezra and his various obsessions. This would be a perfect book to give to a child, as it is very upbeat, though they might be confused by all the jumping around. (I know I was.)

[Mason Mehr · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made my soul happy. I don’t get the privilege of reading many lighthearted and joyful novels. I oftentimes find myself reading literature that addresses dark topics, compiled in complex vernacular. I found this book in a dollar section at a local bookshop in Bountiful, and bought it for my partner who is an Autistic Behavioral Analyst. I chose to read it first, and I am so glad I did. Throughout this book I caught myself smiling consistently, giggling contagiously, and was moved quite immensely. Autism is something that has become a very large theme in my life in the past few years, and it brings peace to my heart hearing a fathers perspective that is so pure, loving, and compassionate to his child. I highly recommend this book. It was an easy depiction of one boys experience with autism, and I personally think it addressed many hard to grasp neurodivergent concepts very clearly. This book earned a 5/5 stars for its captivating writing, touching themes, and entertaining content. Go read this one please!!

[Kevin Roones · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by my daughter, who read it at college as part of her master's program for an endorsement in Teacher of Students with Disabilities. It was a welcome break for me from reading historical fiction and fiction in general.

The story of Ezra, a boy who was diagnosed with autism, is told in a loving and refreshing manner by his father, who is a writer for publications by trade. The book describes Ezra's parents' difficulty in trying to understand some of his actions before he was diagnosed, and some of their adventures afterwards as he reaches his young adult years.

The one thing that threw my a bit, which I saw mentioned in someone else's review, is that the story is not told chronologically, but jumps around a bit as far as Ezra's age progression.

[Scot Bellavia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great encouragement to parents of children with autism. Understandably, it's focus is on Ezra, not autism at large, which makes it not much more than an encouragement for parents of children with autism.

He learns to love his son as they both need it and flips the script in many ways on the typical education approach to non-neurotypical folks.

It's a simple read, but can be confusing as he uses present tense though he doesn't follow events chronologically. I'm not a fan of his style in doing this and also his forced analogies at times, as if they're there because he remembered he, as a professional writer, should probably insert a metaphor or other literary tool every now and then.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a wonderful book - and a good reminder: autistic people communicate in different ways; they don't necessarily show what they know and it isn't safe to assume.

So many of the images from this book were familiar to me - the parent routinely following his toddler and suddenly wondering: "What if I stopped following him?" and watching him continue on without looking back. This is my life.

The future is sometimes scary to think of. But it isn't necessary to imagine the impending dangers - there's no way to know how things will turn out. The best we can do now is follow our children and let them show us who they are - and sometimes a bit of who we are in the process.

[Phoebe · Rating 3 out of 5]

The journalist-author's strong writing makes his story of raising a son with autism that much more powerful and accessible. Much of it reminded me of Ron Suskind's work and the "Life Animated" doc - obvious similarities like their sons' communication through Disney characters, but also their efforts to help "neurotypicals" in their social world understand their child's eccentricities.

Above all, the father's inner conflicts between frustration, bewilderment, and joy in his son sparked empathy.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have had this book on my shelf for a very long time but what better excuse than being in lockdown than to pick it up! It is a charming story about Ezra, the authors autistic son and their stories and discoveries as he learns about the world. Both father and son learn a lot from each other. It is definitely not an academic text but is interesting and worth picking up for anyone interested in autism and student support or biography style stories.

[Jaclyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I enjoyed the book, the parents perspectives, and seeing how Ezra changed throughout the years I was expecting a little more focus on that development along with a little more emphasis on the other siblings as well. As I work with children with special needs it’s always enlightening to learn about real honest home life but I guess I just i was just expecting more depth.