What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety

by Jaclyn Friedman

In this empowering, accessible guide, Jaclyn Friedman—co-editor of Yes Means Yes—gives young women the tools to decipher the modern world’s confusing, hypersexualized, sometimes dangerous landscape so they can define their own sexual identity. Friedman decries the hypocrisy and mixed messages of our culture (we’re failures if we don’t act sexy, but we’re sluts if we actually pursue sex; we need to be protected from rapists lurking in bushes, but deserve “whatever we get” if we have a drink at a party and wear a skirt), and encourages readers to separate fear from fact, decode the damaging messages all around them, and discover a healthy personal sexuality.

Educational and interactive, What You Really Really Want includes revealing quizzes, creative exercises, and reality-based advice about sex and sexuality today. With Friedman’s informed advice to guide them, readers will build new skills for safely expressing their sexuality with lovers and explore effective ways to talk about tricky issues with family and friends—and learn how to make the world a little safer for everyone else’s sexuality along the way.

Genres: Feminism, Nonfiction, Sexuality, Self Help, Gender, Psychology, Womens Studies

341 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2011

About the author

Jaclyn Friedman is a poet and performance artist whose writing has been published in many places, including PW.org, PoetsAgainstTheWar.org, Pedestal Magazine, the Underwood Review, and Sojourner. She has been the Program Director for The Center for New Words and New Words Live since January 2000. She is the recipient of a 2001 Cambridge Poetry Award, a 2004 Fellowship to the Vermont Studio Center, and a 2005 Literature Grant from the Somerville Arts Council.

--from the Center for New Words website

Reviews

[Miri Gifford · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, that's a book I wish I could have read as a teenager. So much excellent, sex-positive information in one place, with references to dozens of other sources, too. There's a kind of workbook/therapy element to it, with assignments at the end of each section; I didn't do them, but kind of think I might like to sometime, because some of them seem like really useful exercises.

Most of the book is applicable to life in general, not just sexual relationships—it focuses on learning to communicate in healthy ways, conduct risk assessments, distinguish intuition from generalized fear, examine old beliefs and assumptions, set boundaries, and check in with yourself to make sure you're treating others as respectfully as you expect them to treat you. It's by far the healthiest (and most comprehensive) approach toward sexuality I've ever seen.

[Rainbowheart · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent guide for young women looking to become comfortable with their sexuality. Although this is really basic info for anyone who grew up in a sex-positive environment, readers who come from more conservative backgrounds should get a lot out of it.

Although the subtitle says this is a "girl's" guide, the author is trans friendly and includes interviewees of various gender identities (FTM, MTF, genderqueer, etc.) and presentations, as well as women of different sexual orientations. There's a fairly even balance and no particular focus on heterosexual relationships over other kinds.

If I had one criticism, it's that some of the topics could have been fleshed out a little more. I thought many of the topics raised in various sections could have done with their own chapter, especially related to kinks, fantasies, double standards, slut shaming, prude policing, etc. The material is well integrated, but I would have liked a longer treatment of many of these subjects.

This is not a sexual manual, so to speak, it's more of an interactive guide to becoming comfortable with sexuality. You're not going to find details on how to perform different sexual acts here. For a more comprehensive, sex-positive look at those topics, I'd recommend S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College by Heather Corinna.

[SHIP (formerly The CSPH)]

In sex-negative American culture, shame, blame, and fear affect the sex lives of many women, wreaking havoc on one’s ability to enjoy sexuality in a happy, healthy way. While healing and exploring one’s sexuality is an important life journey, many who wish to begin that journey have no idea where to start. Jaclyn Friedman’s handy guide, What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Sex and Safety comes to the rescue, packed with mythbusting, stories from real women, and compelling exercises to empower the reader.

While some sexual guides offer safer sex and anatomical information and others offer techniques to increase pleasure, What You Really Really Want stands alone in that it offers the communication tips and road to self-discovery that goes beyond the border of common knowledge sexuality advice. Friedman asks the reader to engage with the book, and proscribes daily journaling and weekly self-care to accompany the journey through the text; however, she also acknowledges that simply reading the book without engaging or doing the exercises is not the most helpful way to use it. As a result, the book seems skeletal at times, but this is merely because the hard work that one needs to do to heal is incredibly personal: it must be done after you put down the text for the week.

Despite the fact that the book is specifically marketed for women, the book is trans* friendly and cuts across race, class, age, and size lines. In fact, Friedman engages with these topics directly—for example, she addresses the fear of fetishization, or being desired strictly based on racial or size-related physical features. Covering this particular topic was an excellent feature for the author, and it directly aligns with the book’s sex-positive feminist perspectives.

Friedman is uplifting but firm in tone, reminding readers in chapter six that “feelings aren’t facts.” Simple and practical tools that help readers to work above the influence of shame, blame, and fear appear throughout the book. One such example is the “Nice Person Test,” in which one learns how to use direct communication to test a person’s intentions: if someone crosses a boundary for you and ignores your friendly and assertive request to back off, then avoid them and get help if needed. Additionally, Friedman breaks down the essential things to communicate to a new sexual partner, how to assess risk realistically, and how to start potentially awkward conversations—all challenging or abstract topics. Their coverage in the text really makes this book stand out.

What You Really Really Want is there to help readers fight the adverse effects of persistent sex negativity, rape culture, and anti-woman sentiment. It offers the broad sexuality and relationship education that can’t be found in schools, and could easily be called an essential text for women exploring their sexualites. Instead of viewing it as a regular self-help book, one should view it as a workbook and framework for personal sexual healing, appropriate for women at any place in their sexual journey, but especially those at the beginning. Perhaps the simplest way to convey this sentiment can be found on the back cover, in the start of Jessica Valenti’s comments: “Don’t have sex before you read this book!” Strong, accurate words, indeed, Ms. Valenti.

You can find this review, and others at the CSPH website.

[Emily Joyce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Friedman's book embodies how I've always defined sex positive feminism- a practice that is built on personally established desires and boundaries, enthusiastic consent, and shame free communication between partners, and ultimately the idea that sex-however an individual chooses to practice, abstain, or define it-is truly enjoyable for all involved.
Friedman acknowledges the spectrum of sexualities, races, and bodies of women who might be seeking to better understand their needs and desires when it comes to their sex lives. The workbook style prompts journaling and other activities to explore the material. In many ways the book is equally a guide to self actualization as it is to actualizing sexual preferences.
This book should be required reading for any woman who is having sex (or preparing to) in a culture full of contradicting, confusing and often harmful messages about sex. aka everyone.

[Maya Reid · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book, but I think that it was directed at women who are younger and/or vastly less experienced than me, the kind of woman who is first asking herself what she wants sexually rather than the woman who is evaluating the sexual decisions she's actively making. In short, me three years ago would have probably given this book 4 stars, but current me was bored.

[Ashley Pitrone · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend the guided journals throughout the book if you want to take a deeper look at your sexuality - specifically if you’ve had negative or traumatic experiences. Even if you haven’t had negative experiences I think this would be a good read to get you thinking a little deeper. Still an easy read but really gets you thinking

[Kristie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every one should read this book. Not just women. If I had a teenaged son Id tell him to read it too.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Update

I will certainly flip through this and perhaps redo the activities again if need be. This is a good book to look through again.

Original Review (27 Aug 2016)

The title grabbed at me and I wanted to read this because I was struggling with how I felt. I grew up in a society and country where sex and sexuality are not talked about. Most of the time it is seen as "bad" and "sensitive".

To get it out of the way, this book does not teach the reader how to have sex. But it shows them how they can communicate what they want, express themselves and make sense of how they feel.

I like that the voice of this book is not preachy, presents facts as simply as possible and gets the message across. There are many acitivities and exercises in each chapter, most consist of writing and reflecting. This came easily to me, even though it was hard to get the thoughts out but it felt good to write.

However, those who do not like these type of activities might want to be aware. I am not saying you will not enjoy the book. I took my time to finish this book and do admit that some exercises made me uncomfortable but eventually I did them however, some I skipped. This is one of the first times I read more than one book at one go. I won't say I came out of this book a changed person but it did make an impact on me and I am glad I picked it up.

It certainly helped me realize that communication between people is key, whether it is family, friends, partners or so on. Even if it seems awkward. I was able to relate to alot of what the book said but found it hard to agree completely with some areas. That's okay. But it opened the doors to me realizing things about myself.

There are some website links mentioned and they do not work. However the author told me that she is working on getting the site up again.

[Miri · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't get all that much out of this book, but only because I'm already extremely familiar with sex positivity, gender studies, and all that sort of stuff. However, this would've been incredibly useful to have when I was in high school and didn't know all of that stuff. Therefore, it's definitely still getting five stars.

[Ana · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good beginner's guide to sex positivity, particularly for the younger/inexperienced. It's well written and goes straight to the point, even provides extra sources for further research.

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this to screen it for possibly sharing with teens or parents of teens in my life. Perspective is sex positive, body positive, and about helping young women learn to use their words to advocate for their own pleasure and safety. She covers a lot of ground-- from just being able to verbalize attraction and consent, all the way through kink/BDSM. On the one hand, the older I get the scarier it is to consider teens I know thinking about things like kink when they're first getting sexually started. On the other hand, the internet. Better to talk about it in the framework of consent and enjoyment and honesty than in shadowy YouTube channels.

Final assessment: could be a good tool in the toolbox for late high school through mid-20s women. (One caveat that the book includes way too many unrealistic writing/quasi-crafting exercises. They're fine thought starters but I think having fewer might mean a reader actually tries to do some, vs the number included here seems pretty much guaranteed to get them all tuned out.)

[Anna Bearne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book, although it is probably aimed in a younger audience (I'd say <20). I didn't do any exercises, but I think you still can get something valuable out of it by just reading. I wish I had read this book years ago. Maybe I wouldn't be so confused at some point in my life and I would avoid confusing (and hurting) other people, who I really loved and cared about. And maybe I wouldn't get involved in this 2-years-long abusive relationship later on in my life, or at least leave much sooner. I would definitely recommend it to all girls and women. In a perfect world, this would be a thing that mums do with their daughters :)

[Zuzka Jakúbková · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is great for three reasons:

1. Awesome guide on deciphering multiple influences on women's sexuality and figuring out what's really under the hood (of our minds).

2. Multiple personal testimonials help to illustrate the point way better than any statistics could have.

3. Book also offers the reader an interactive element of personal introspection through smaller written tasks and exercise.

In all honesty, this book is the best thing on the market for any girl who wants to get in touch with herself. In all senses of the phrase.

[Emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish someone had given me this book when I was 16!

I am not the target audience as I am already fairly familiar with queer theory, BDSM literature, feminism, etc, and have done a good deal of thinking about and exploring my sexuality. However, this book has the potential to do a lot of good in the right hands and I will hang on to it until I find a young woman I think would appreciate it.

Actually, I'm tempted to give it to my mother.

[Roxy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the book, I just think I would have gave it 5 stars if I did all the journaling stuff it advised through out the book. I just really couldn't, since I read the book while I was at work on breaks. But it does make good & very valid points.

[Bekki · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not really my cup of tea; as the book is more of a journal-ing type book. I was expecting a comprehensive discussion on sex positivity and was disappointed by the more campy, psychologist-session-like feel the book has to it.

[Wryly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this guide would come in handy for young women (I would've liked to have had it at 16). And I think I might give it to my sister, but all in all it's a bit too straight focused for me right now. Though the writing exercises are fabulous!

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this book 15, 10 even 5 years ago. I'd encourage girls to read this at a young age so they can develop healthy views about their sexuality. If I ever have a daughter this will be recommended reading.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall this is a solid book. It is likely more useful to younger readers than older ones, but as someone who is probably older than the target audience I still found the book offered much wisdom and insight.

[Brie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must-read for any woman who wants to explore her sexuality safely and on her own terms.

[Phoebe · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're a woman, it's worth a read.

[Bridget]

Good information, a bit dry, but lots of really specific activities so you could use it as a workbook if you want.

[Roxani]

Jaclyn Friedman is insightful, honest, and critical. I read this book to consider teaching it in an undergraduate feminist theory class and the answer is a resounding yes.

[Kelly]

This may take me a while as I am not a self-help-type book reader.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

some good points especially for discussion but much of it is very intro. would be great for girls to read instead of cosmo when they are in high school.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

amazingamazingamazing

[Casey · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book for people trying to figure out how to embrace their sexuality. This is a sex positive way to figure out what you want.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting, and really engagingly written. I didn't do any of the exercises or anything, but definitely worth reading.

[Veneta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Taking back sexual empowerment and having an open conversation around healthy sexuality. Great book

[Keena · Rating 3 out of 5]

It def. got me thinking, which is what I was looking for. I still have some of the exercises to do, but as far as reading, I've finished.