This book happened to catch me at the exact point in my life where it would be the most uncomfortable.
I get pretty down on myself around my birthday, which I know is pretty ridiculous, but here we are. This most recent one was probably the toughest yet -- without wallowing too much in self-pity, I'll just say that I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be at 31 years of age in terms of my career, finances, creative goals, or most importantly, relationships. I'm acutely aware of time passing these days, and it bums me out. Meanwhile, in many ways, I still behave like a child. I want the comfort and secuirty of adulthood without getting rid of the impetuousness and laziness of someone who just entered college. It's something I need to sort out.
I know I know, we all have our own problems, life is hard, get on with it! So very quickly, I'll say that this book is about a psychologist who is similarly trying to run away from the ledge of adulthood, and is painfully self-aware of the entire process. Antrim's usage of technical psychobabble and bizarre surrealism provides an atmosphere that alternates between hilarious and depressing. It's almost too much time spent inside this guy's head, and I woulnd't even recommend this to anyone.
But it just sounded all too similar to how I think. It's non-stop streams of analysis, on himself, on others, on everything -- his brain just doesn't switch off. Several times it hit too close to home, and I had to put the book down.
I'll end with this particular choice quote, because this review is all over the place and not at all fun: I think a lot about long-term relationships. I've met tons of people who simply don't believe they are possible anymore. That marriage is destined to fail. That two people can't ever be happy together forever. I personally refuse to ever believe that. So I was really hit by the brutality of this section, as the main character's wife adresses their deteriorating relationship. It's long, but hang in there:
I used to love you so much, Tom. It was a simple thing, loving you. I didn't worry about us loving other people. I thought about that, the possibility, but I never worried. I thought I could care for somebody else and still love you. It didn't seem like a problem. You know? Why wouldn't we love other people? Loving other people isn't bad. But it's wrong to think everything won't change. You feel like a different person when you make love with someone new. Falling in love with a new person is a way of becoming a new person. Well, not a new person. A different version of yourself. It's true. That's the wonderful part, and it's the difficulty too, I suppose. I don't want you to be a new person. I always want you to be the man I fell in love with. We're different people and we haven't kept track of who we are. That's why we're in this room, isn't it? This is where we can come to find out who we want to be when things change and we feel strange to each other. I think we each have versions of ourselves that we don't know are in us. Are you scared? Don't be. You're a man and I'm not a girl. Do you remember how young we used to be? We were so young in our twenties. We were children. I was riding the enormous man's bike I used to have, remember? It was about a million billion sizes too big for me, and I was riding on the sidewalk, which you're not supposed to do, and then there you were in front of me and I ran into you. Well, I guess I didn't run into you, did I? You jumped out of the way. What happened? You tripped over the hedge, and that dog came tearing out of the yard on the hill. God. The dog's owner ran after the dog and yelled at us to leave his dog alone and get the hell off his property. All of a sudden, because of that man and his dog, we were united. We were a couple. Think of the ways people meet! I get off my bike and it felt like, "Oh, hello." We walked together, and you were sweet and took my bike and walked it for me, and we weren't paying any attention to where we were going, and the next thing we new it was nighttime and we were in that scary part of town where the book factory is, so we went into that bar, remember, but we didn't drink anything, did we? We ordered club soda, and the bartender turned out to be the father of a kid who beat you up in high school, then later got killed in that terrible loading-dock accident. The father wouldn't stop talking about how death was everywhere, and he got impatient with us for drinking club soda, and we gave him a huge tip, because of his dead son, and just to get out of there. We went right to bed, that night, didn't we? I was afraid to take off my clothes. You kissed my back and told me it was beautiful, my back. I believed you. Do you ever want to be a different kind of man? Could you be a different man with a different woman if I were the woman? Don't be hurt, don;t take it personally. Who else did you fuck, anyway? Tom? Actually, do you want me to tell you something? I'm not sure I want you to say. How would you feel about that? Would you think I don't care? Can you fuck me like I'm all the people you might ever love? Why am I telling you not to be hurt? It's because I want to fuck like I'm everybody and not just me. Is that a crazy thing to want?