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Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility
Describes the difficulties of marital negotiation, how to overcome selfish responses, how to resolve ordinary conflicts, and how to cultivate mutual respect
304 pages, Hardcover
First published November 1, 1996
5 people are currently reading
65 people want to read
About the author
Willard F. Harley Jr.
23 books109 followersWillard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty-two foreign translations.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
September 22, 2017
Willard Harley is the best marriage counseling writer. His ideas and assessments of the underlying problems and causes are breakthrough material. The writing is not quite up to the content but well worth the read to apply it all
April 24, 2025
GIVE AND TAKE. People are way better at helping others meet their needs only after their own are met, so one should listen to his own inner Taker, not just the selfless Giver. If they don’t listen to the Taker side, they drift into incompatibility - and work without reward always fizzles out.
RESPECTING ENTHUSIASM. Never do things together unless both are enthusiastic - otherwise, reluctant agreements eat relationships alive. If it’s not good for both, it’s not good for the bond.
NEGOTIATION. Relationships aren’t about “finding” compatibility but making it happen. Neither pure Givers nor pure Takers know how to negotiate. True negotiation happens in the middle and needs its own skill set. The ground rules for negotiation should be pleasant and agreed on by both.
RESPECT AND RESENTMENT. Don’t let resentment build, ever, for either partner. If you’re not getting a need met, don’t block your partner’s needs in revenge. Punishment never fixes marital issues - anger just beats love. Ridicule, sarcasm, the urge to inflict pain - those are the real relationship nukes. The same physical rules apple to a rollercoaster - it’s a lot easier/quicker to fall down than to raise up to heights.
ANGER MANAGEMENT. When you're not taking care of yourself, irritability increases naturally. Instead of saying "you make me angry, change yourself," try "I have a temper problem and need your help." If your partner gets mean, don't sink to their level.
SELFISH DEMANDS vs THOUGHTFUL REQUESTS. Demands ("I want it now!") are shortsighted and suffocate the spirit of love - demands choke relationships with punishment. You can't hold someone responsible for something they never agreed to do. Instead of demanding, make thoughtful requests: "How would you feel about...?" and explain why it matters to you. A good friend wouldn't accept help unless the other person wanted to give it.
CORE RELATIONSHIP NEEDS. Men and women typically have different emotional needs. For men: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, domestic support, and admiration. For women: affection, conversation, honesty/openness, financial support, and family commitment. Most people stay ignorant of their partner's needs, assuming they're the same as their own - like women offering affection, conversation and family commitment when men want sex and admiration.
RELATIONSHIP MYTHS EXPOSED. "Unconditional love" shouldn’t mean no feedback, because how else can anyone improve? Couples should identify their partner’s top needs and actively try to meet them to get more of their own needs met from a happier level.
SEXUAL SATISFACTION. Women who can climax don't always have to. Work on increasing desire (through affection), arousal (gentle touch on non-sexual areas and neck/back massages), recovery (learn to love a very long time cuddling afterward without talking).
RESPECTING ENTHUSIASM. Never do things together unless both are enthusiastic - otherwise, reluctant agreements eat relationships alive. If it’s not good for both, it’s not good for the bond.
NEGOTIATION. Relationships aren’t about “finding” compatibility but making it happen. Neither pure Givers nor pure Takers know how to negotiate. True negotiation happens in the middle and needs its own skill set. The ground rules for negotiation should be pleasant and agreed on by both.
RESPECT AND RESENTMENT. Don’t let resentment build, ever, for either partner. If you’re not getting a need met, don’t block your partner’s needs in revenge. Punishment never fixes marital issues - anger just beats love. Ridicule, sarcasm, the urge to inflict pain - those are the real relationship nukes. The same physical rules apple to a rollercoaster - it’s a lot easier/quicker to fall down than to raise up to heights.
ANGER MANAGEMENT. When you're not taking care of yourself, irritability increases naturally. Instead of saying "you make me angry, change yourself," try "I have a temper problem and need your help." If your partner gets mean, don't sink to their level.
SELFISH DEMANDS vs THOUGHTFUL REQUESTS. Demands ("I want it now!") are shortsighted and suffocate the spirit of love - demands choke relationships with punishment. You can't hold someone responsible for something they never agreed to do. Instead of demanding, make thoughtful requests: "How would you feel about...?" and explain why it matters to you. A good friend wouldn't accept help unless the other person wanted to give it.
CORE RELATIONSHIP NEEDS. Men and women typically have different emotional needs. For men: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, domestic support, and admiration. For women: affection, conversation, honesty/openness, financial support, and family commitment. Most people stay ignorant of their partner's needs, assuming they're the same as their own - like women offering affection, conversation and family commitment when men want sex and admiration.
RELATIONSHIP MYTHS EXPOSED. "Unconditional love" shouldn’t mean no feedback, because how else can anyone improve? Couples should identify their partner’s top needs and actively try to meet them to get more of their own needs met from a happier level.
SEXUAL SATISFACTION. Women who can climax don't always have to. Work on increasing desire (through affection), arousal (gentle touch on non-sexual areas and neck/back massages), recovery (learn to love a very long time cuddling afterward without talking).
September 25, 2012
My all time favorite book on marriage! I recommend this to everyone I know especially when discontent, resentment and fatigue start to creep in. Good Marriages take two people w the same desire to give generously and purposefully and take gratefully and respectfully. It's not hard. It's intentional. If you or someone you know is asking What happened? We used to be so in love... Read this book and start moving towards each other again.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews