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It's Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the New Workplace
An innovative study of gender, emotion, and power, It’s Always Personal is an essential companion for everyone navigating the challenges of the contemporary workplace.
How often have we heard “It’s nothing against you, it’s not personal— it’s just business ”? But in fact, at work it’s never just business—it’s always personal. In this groundbreaking book, journalist and former corporate executive Anne Kreamer shows us how to get rational about our emotions, and provides the necessary new tools to flourish in an emotionally charged workplace. Combining the latest information on the intricacies of the human brain, candid stories from employees, and the surprising results of two national surveys, It’s Always Personal offers
• a step-by-step guide for identifying your emotional Spouter, Accepter, Believer, or Solver
• Emotion Management Toolkits that outline strategies to cope with specific emotionally challenging situations
• vital facts that will help you understand—and handle—the six main emotional anger, fear, anxiety, empathy, joy, and crying
• an exploration of how men and women deal with emotions differently
“A stimulating read bolstered by snippets of some of the best recent work on emotional intelligence and the science of happiness.”— The Wall Street Journal
“So what should be the rules and boundaries for showing how you feel while you work? That’s a question asked and answered in Anne Kreamer’s fascinating book . . . [a] look at an issue that rarely gets discussed.”— The Washington Post
“Finally, someone is willing to unpack the morass of anger, anxiety, sadness, and joy that drives the workday. . . . [Kreamer] has hit the ‘It’s about time!’ button.”— Elle
“[A] lively, well-researched exploration of emotions on the job.”—Oprah.com
“Explores how to be true to your ‘emotional flashpoints—anger, fear, anxiety, empathy, happiness and crying’—without sabotaging your career.”— The New York Times Book Review
How often have we heard “It’s nothing against you, it’s not personal— it’s just business ”? But in fact, at work it’s never just business—it’s always personal. In this groundbreaking book, journalist and former corporate executive Anne Kreamer shows us how to get rational about our emotions, and provides the necessary new tools to flourish in an emotionally charged workplace. Combining the latest information on the intricacies of the human brain, candid stories from employees, and the surprising results of two national surveys, It’s Always Personal offers
• a step-by-step guide for identifying your emotional Spouter, Accepter, Believer, or Solver
• Emotion Management Toolkits that outline strategies to cope with specific emotionally challenging situations
• vital facts that will help you understand—and handle—the six main emotional anger, fear, anxiety, empathy, joy, and crying
• an exploration of how men and women deal with emotions differently
“A stimulating read bolstered by snippets of some of the best recent work on emotional intelligence and the science of happiness.”— The Wall Street Journal
“So what should be the rules and boundaries for showing how you feel while you work? That’s a question asked and answered in Anne Kreamer’s fascinating book . . . [a] look at an issue that rarely gets discussed.”— The Washington Post
“Finally, someone is willing to unpack the morass of anger, anxiety, sadness, and joy that drives the workday. . . . [Kreamer] has hit the ‘It’s about time!’ button.”— Elle
“[A] lively, well-researched exploration of emotions on the job.”—Oprah.com
“Explores how to be true to your ‘emotional flashpoints—anger, fear, anxiety, empathy, happiness and crying’—without sabotaging your career.”— The New York Times Book Review
256 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2011
87 people are currently reading
1225 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 60 reviews
June 26, 2017
Mere days after a blow-out with my boss in which he blamed me for something I didn’t do and I ended up crying in my cubicle and then putting out feelers for new jobs, I heard a radio interview with the author of this book, and knew I just had to get hold of it. She said that more than half of the women she surveyed admitted to crying in the workplace, and even more disturbing, 42% of the men she surveyed believe that anger is an effective management tool. Since my boss definitely uses anger that way, I figured I could use a good guide to emotional management at work. And so I did something I rarely do. I bought the book.
The book illustrates the problems clearly and absorbingly, but I didn’t feel it was that strong on practical solutions. The most concrete piece of advice I got was to confide in a friend, which is common sense, really. I’ve gotten better tips from the books she cited in her bibliography, namely Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office and Ask For It, which I’m now listening to on audio.
But there was one “theoretical” discussion I really loved. It was presented visually, so we’ll see if my verbal description does it justice.
Think back to elementary algebra and a graph along four quadrants. The horizontal line represents the pessimist/optimist spectrum, and the vertical represents outward expression of emotion to keeping it in. So in quadrant 1 (-x,+y) are pessimists who don’t hold back in verbal expression. The author calls these people “spouters,” and they’re the ones who are most likely to lash out and blame others for their mistakes. In quadrant 2 (+x,+y) are optimists who also express their feeling freely. She calls these “solvers.” They’re the smallest group, but some of the most successful managers are among them. In quadrant 3 (-x,-y) are pessimists who keep feelings in. She calls these the “accepters,” and they’re the biggest group, not in small part because most workplaces force us to accept negative situations and keep quiet about them. And finally, in quadrant 4 (+x,-y) are optimists who keep their feelings in. These she calls “believers” and they're happiest when working for an ideal or a cause. There’s a small questionnaire in the book and an even more comprehensive test on her website if you want to see where you place.
I didn’t take the website test, but I’m a hybrid according to the questionnaire, which, the author says, most people are. She called herself a “spolver,” i.e. something between a “spouter” and a “solver.” I’d place myself somewhere between an “accepter” and a “believer,” which means that if I want to become more of an optimist, I will find my strength in my religious beliefs and dedication to causes. Interestingly, she notes that the “believers” group is female-dominant.
But I do take issue with two things about her chart. The “accepter” is negative on two scales, but I think of acceptance as a positive thing. It sure beats denial. And while the “spouter” is positive on one scale, to me, it’s the most negative profile on the graph. Who’d want to be around a pessimist who vents? So what I learned is that yes, I should increase my expression of feeling to trusted friends in the office (luckily, I’ve got a few), but becoming more optimistic is the more important step. Because no matter what 42% of men surveyed may think, anger is a counter-productive management tool.
The book illustrates the problems clearly and absorbingly, but I didn’t feel it was that strong on practical solutions. The most concrete piece of advice I got was to confide in a friend, which is common sense, really. I’ve gotten better tips from the books she cited in her bibliography, namely Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office and Ask For It, which I’m now listening to on audio.
But there was one “theoretical” discussion I really loved. It was presented visually, so we’ll see if my verbal description does it justice.
Think back to elementary algebra and a graph along four quadrants. The horizontal line represents the pessimist/optimist spectrum, and the vertical represents outward expression of emotion to keeping it in. So in quadrant 1 (-x,+y) are pessimists who don’t hold back in verbal expression. The author calls these people “spouters,” and they’re the ones who are most likely to lash out and blame others for their mistakes. In quadrant 2 (+x,+y) are optimists who also express their feeling freely. She calls these “solvers.” They’re the smallest group, but some of the most successful managers are among them. In quadrant 3 (-x,-y) are pessimists who keep feelings in. She calls these the “accepters,” and they’re the biggest group, not in small part because most workplaces force us to accept negative situations and keep quiet about them. And finally, in quadrant 4 (+x,-y) are optimists who keep their feelings in. These she calls “believers” and they're happiest when working for an ideal or a cause. There’s a small questionnaire in the book and an even more comprehensive test on her website if you want to see where you place.
I didn’t take the website test, but I’m a hybrid according to the questionnaire, which, the author says, most people are. She called herself a “spolver,” i.e. something between a “spouter” and a “solver.” I’d place myself somewhere between an “accepter” and a “believer,” which means that if I want to become more of an optimist, I will find my strength in my religious beliefs and dedication to causes. Interestingly, she notes that the “believers” group is female-dominant.
But I do take issue with two things about her chart. The “accepter” is negative on two scales, but I think of acceptance as a positive thing. It sure beats denial. And while the “spouter” is positive on one scale, to me, it’s the most negative profile on the graph. Who’d want to be around a pessimist who vents? So what I learned is that yes, I should increase my expression of feeling to trusted friends in the office (luckily, I’ve got a few), but becoming more optimistic is the more important step. Because no matter what 42% of men surveyed may think, anger is a counter-productive management tool.
June 14, 2011
I like to think I am a Woman of the People. But Kreamer's book forced me to realize that I do put a higher weight on stories told by high-achieving individuals. Kreamer is a former Nickelodeon executive and therefore, the people she calls on to talk about work are not the people I or you would call on. And this was one of the many things that elevated this work beyond the typical social commentary-mixed-with-some-self-help book. Kreamer herself was yelled at by Sumner Redstone, the paleolithic business-saur who owned Nick at the time of her employment. And she cried. Which inspired a chapter on crying at work, including the physiological and psychological reasons behind it. At the end of each chapter, Kreamer offers some ideas for implementing what she had discussed, and these run the gamut from things you are likely doing to really good, fresh ideas. Here's one: if you find that you can't meditate without trying to reign in your wandering mind, try focusing on someone you would like to help. Why yes, that works!
July 19, 2011
This is one of the best books I have read in a long time. It makes sense. Anne Kreamer establishes her ethos with the fact that she is has been in the workforce for many years working as an executive. She combines methodolical research from credible sources (her bibliography is pages long) and wisdom from her experiences. I am also impressed with the layout. I love books with indices so I can find things! It's a must-have for anyone in the 21st century workplace. Brava, Anne!
January 3, 2021
While I believe that I display a great deal of emotional intelligence, I have always been a proponent of leaving emotions out of the professional arena. In adherence to unspoken social norms, this notion perhaps stemmed from my inability to publicly gush about my traumas as a child. What happened at home, stayed at home. Life coerced me to create a dual personality with a different set of emotions to display in public. This, consequently, helped me create that robust emotional seal.
It's Always Personal dispelled my ignorance, and encouraged me to look at emotions as a malleable, manageable, and often passing form of energy. I still keep a lot of emotions at bay where they belong, but I at least now have more tolerance and understanding towards others displaying their emotions at the work place.
It's Always Personal dispelled my ignorance, and encouraged me to look at emotions as a malleable, manageable, and often passing form of energy. I still keep a lot of emotions at bay where they belong, but I at least now have more tolerance and understanding towards others displaying their emotions at the work place.
July 30, 2015
There are a lot of "new" ideas in here - things I was not aware of with biological make up and how we handle stress, anger, etc. I appreciated the insight, and find it useful especially in my job and dealing with emotional intelligence in the work place. I felt it was a bit long and wordy, however. Maybe it could have been said in a lot less words.
Want to read
February 28, 2011Won this through Goodreads First Reads...can't wait for it to arrive!!
May 10, 2011
I was thrilled to receive this book as part of the Goodreads First Reads program. Kreamer spent 2 years gathering information. She interviewed scientists and psychologists as well as people in the workplace. With the fast-paced society in which we function, and ever-increasing technology, the boundaries between personal and work personas are blurred. Many of us spend more time at work than with family and friends.
Although the main theme is crying in the workplace, the book is truly an exploration and explanation of emotion in the workplace. The underlying premise is that our society disdains emotional displays at work. Kraemer gives detailed neurological descriptions of 6 emotional states and a guide to identifying your emotional type. She discusses ways to work with the different styles, whether they are yours or your co-workers.
The primary emphasis is on recognizing your emotional style and utilizing the emotion management toolkit suggestions. There are many practical tips for coping with different situations. The book is heavily weighted toward understanding your own emotional reactions and triggers and learning how to deal with them. I would love to see a follow-up with more info on how to deal with co-workers whose emotional style is quite different from one’s own.
Although the main theme is crying in the workplace, the book is truly an exploration and explanation of emotion in the workplace. The underlying premise is that our society disdains emotional displays at work. Kraemer gives detailed neurological descriptions of 6 emotional states and a guide to identifying your emotional type. She discusses ways to work with the different styles, whether they are yours or your co-workers.
The primary emphasis is on recognizing your emotional style and utilizing the emotion management toolkit suggestions. There are many practical tips for coping with different situations. The book is heavily weighted toward understanding your own emotional reactions and triggers and learning how to deal with them. I would love to see a follow-up with more info on how to deal with co-workers whose emotional style is quite different from one’s own.
June 21, 2018
I learned about emotional fluididty in anxiety, fear, and how to manage and express emotions in the workplace. Ways to handle emotions with posistive impact comes with age and practice.
the importance of documenting emotional experiencing in the workplace in case of a firing where you might need to substantiate yourself. show interest and smile when appropriate.
My fave emotion to learn about of course was happy, happy, joy, joy, creativity. Commit to people you enjoy spending time with. Sharing intergenerationally. Re: happy with intensity of a footballer who looks up and thinks its that time already. "flow-being completely invested in an activity for its own sake. With enough mastery towards the 10,000 hour rule, it becomes easier to dive deeply" (Sikozentimtidyl)
Good day hapiness: taking time to smell the roses after a successful day on the job.
Good life hapiness: you are engaged in what you deem most meaningful and challenging and financially stable.
Peak experiences - euphoria after great sex, concert, or work solution. add varieyt and reset our baseline happy
the importance of documenting emotional experiencing in the workplace in case of a firing where you might need to substantiate yourself. show interest and smile when appropriate.
My fave emotion to learn about of course was happy, happy, joy, joy, creativity. Commit to people you enjoy spending time with. Sharing intergenerationally. Re: happy with intensity of a footballer who looks up and thinks its that time already. "flow-being completely invested in an activity for its own sake. With enough mastery towards the 10,000 hour rule, it becomes easier to dive deeply" (Sikozentimtidyl)
Good day hapiness: taking time to smell the roses after a successful day on the job.
Good life hapiness: you are engaged in what you deem most meaningful and challenging and financially stable.
Peak experiences - euphoria after great sex, concert, or work solution. add varieyt and reset our baseline happy
August 29, 2019
A useful perspective on emotions in the work place as well as biological factors that contribute to varying emotional responses of men and women. There was a heavy emphasis on female contributions, which almost felt rather targeting despite the case she was trying to make that there are biological resends for differences. Either way it presented some useful strategies.
March 5, 2012
An engaging book. I really enjoyed the scientific insights provided and the chapters on the neurology of emotions. I don't know how applicable this book will be to me in many ways at work. I work in mental health- my job *is* emotions. I think there were some useful techniques to discuss with my coworkers, but it might have been more beneficial to me to have a book that focused on the more day-to-day emotions rather than the big blow ups. Still, there's some easy coping skills mentioned, like having a small token of a peaceful place at your desk (hence why I always have pretty pictures on my desktop ;), or examining and listing your feelings objectively rather than subjectively. I think this will be a book that I may need as a reference as I go on in my career, especially as I think about becoming a manager.
February 10, 2019
Really enjoyed this one. Some interesting key points:
1. There are neurological differences in men and women, and differences in the way they are socialized to display anger. Women suffer in status when they display anger. (This is anecdotally obvious to any woman in the workplace, but I'm glad Kreamer took the time to spell this out with studies.)
2. We are only just starting to pick apart our fascination with the boss or CEO who acts like an abusive asshole to get results. This book was written in 2011 and well before #MeToo, but in 2019 it's still true. I think my generation is finally clapping back and saying that abusive behavior at work is intolerable and unacceptable.
3. An entire generation is living with job anxiety due to the financial crisis. (My inner Millennial: "Yuuuuuuuuuuup.")
1. There are neurological differences in men and women, and differences in the way they are socialized to display anger. Women suffer in status when they display anger. (This is anecdotally obvious to any woman in the workplace, but I'm glad Kreamer took the time to spell this out with studies.)
2. We are only just starting to pick apart our fascination with the boss or CEO who acts like an abusive asshole to get results. This book was written in 2011 and well before #MeToo, but in 2019 it's still true. I think my generation is finally clapping back and saying that abusive behavior at work is intolerable and unacceptable.
3. An entire generation is living with job anxiety due to the financial crisis. (My inner Millennial: "Yuuuuuuuuuuup.")
April 17, 2011
Won as a goodreads giveaway.
This is not the control-your-emotions how-to book that I expected.
Rather, it is much more of a scientific treatise on how our emotions work, how acceptance and the handling of emotions in the workplace needs to change due to the women's movement, and a sprinkling of emotional management ideas thrown in.
I know, that sounds less than exciting, but I found it enlightening. The chapter on crying at work was particularly interesting to me, since I hate crying at work. Her explanation of why women cry out of anger and frustration, how to handle it, and how to handle it when it happens to others was actually eye-opening and helped me to understand myself just a little bit more - and any book that can do that it worth a read.
This is not the control-your-emotions how-to book that I expected.
Rather, it is much more of a scientific treatise on how our emotions work, how acceptance and the handling of emotions in the workplace needs to change due to the women's movement, and a sprinkling of emotional management ideas thrown in.
I know, that sounds less than exciting, but I found it enlightening. The chapter on crying at work was particularly interesting to me, since I hate crying at work. Her explanation of why women cry out of anger and frustration, how to handle it, and how to handle it when it happens to others was actually eye-opening and helped me to understand myself just a little bit more - and any book that can do that it worth a read.
October 3, 2013
This book illustrates the problems involved with emotional management in the workplace. The author examines such areas as crying/sadness, fear, anger, and anxiety. The author discusses her own personal experience working for a large media-type firm and shares examples of other women and men who have had to face these issues in the workplace.
I was a little disappointed with the practical strategies sections and I had hoped they would be longer and more concrete. I was also hoping that the "test" that Anne Kreamer covers in the book would actually be outlined in the book for the reader to take at home and not on the author's website. I admit that I didn't go take the test, but I did save the site to my bookmarks so maybe, someday.
I was a little disappointed with the practical strategies sections and I had hoped they would be longer and more concrete. I was also hoping that the "test" that Anne Kreamer covers in the book would actually be outlined in the book for the reader to take at home and not on the author's website. I admit that I didn't go take the test, but I did save the site to my bookmarks so maybe, someday.
September 15, 2011
At least I will be reading it as soon as I get the book! I entered one of those goodreads give aways for free copies of books and I won a copy (it's the second time I have won)! Will write a review once I get the book and read it. Have to admit that I just couldn't finish it. It just wasn't that compelling for me--especially as a motivational self-help kind of book. The anecdotal pieces that the author threw in just felt like name dropping. The message didn't seem clear and I'm not really sure what her point was. Wouldn't really recommend it as something that would inspire you or direct you on how to make your work situation better really. I've read better.
August 31, 2011
"I recently heard this author on The Today Show, and as a result, this topic peaked my interest. A topic of controversy - always shrouded in shame, frustration, and as the author states in her title - personal. I'm confident this book will bring insight to anyone who has shed tears in the workplace or who has been on the receiving end. Remember the saying there's no crying in baseball? Anne Kreamer should be praised for breaking the silence on the topic of emotions in the workplace. She has personalized the topic by sharing publicly on The Today Show of her own personal experience while as Vice President at Nickelodeon."
June 15, 2018
This pretty much says what all women say: that sexist double standards still exist. Since women cry more easily than men, and since men still rule most of the workplace, that crying is "girly", and makes one "weak". The only reason men don't like crying is b/c they don't really do it. And since other women try to be more like men, they feel uncomfortable, too.
Kreamer discusses why crying and emotions are GOOD things in the workplace, and why things need to change from what men are (still) used to, to a new way of dealing with people. Like it or not macho dudes emotional intelligence is the way of the future, so you might as well embrace it.
Kreamer discusses why crying and emotions are GOOD things in the workplace, and why things need to change from what men are (still) used to, to a new way of dealing with people. Like it or not macho dudes emotional intelligence is the way of the future, so you might as well embrace it.
April 9, 2017
I won this book via the Goodreads First Reads program. Got the email on 02/22/2011. I'll let you know when the book arrives. Looks like an interesting book. Fits well with the spat of psychology books I've been reading lately, not to mention a good thing to look at when re-entering the workplace after a prolonged illness.
04/13/2011
Okay, I'm shelving this one for awhile. Nothing wrong with the book. I just think I've read too many psychology style books lately. Rating, obviously, subject to change.
04/13/2011
Okay, I'm shelving this one for awhile. Nothing wrong with the book. I just think I've read too many psychology style books lately. Rating, obviously, subject to change.
July 4, 2013
4 July 2013: I added a star on the 2nd read. The advice and insight resonated this time around, particularly with thinking about and strategizing about the development and implementation of my Emotion Management Toolkit (EMT). I think last year I may have found the approach a bit hokey, self-help and contrived, but you know, I recognize myself and my emotions now as more commonplace and rational than I have heretofore acknowledged.
June 27, 2012
This is an interlibrary loan for me and because of the date I have to abandon this book. The subtitle should have been "is it okay for you to cry in the workplace." On page 160 the author begins an extensive discussion of a test you are suppose to be able to read about and take at a website. Apparently that website has been updated and the test was dropped. I e-mailed the author regarding this and did not receive a reply.
October 7, 2014
A well researched and engaging study of emotions and how they effect the workplace. Kreamer addresses the gender, social and biological differences in why we behave the way we do and does so in a manner that does not come across as stereotypical gender-bias. Reading it was useful in understanding my own emotional 'style' as well as how I can adapt it to improve my work relationships rather than hinder them.
January 4, 2016
Discussion of emotions in the workplace with physiological details making up much of the beginning. There there's a discussion of the 4 major emotions shown at work - anger, fear, anxiety & joy with recommendations on how to deal with them.
Forced to read this as punishment for yelling at a staff member, it wasn't terribly helpful and I wouldn't have gotten past the first 20 pages if it hadn't been required. Mumbo jumbo!
Forced to read this as punishment for yelling at a staff member, it wasn't terribly helpful and I wouldn't have gotten past the first 20 pages if it hadn't been required. Mumbo jumbo!
November 7, 2014
My dog ate this one while I was at work. Previous books she has found objectionable include one of the Harry Potter series, The Hunger Games, and Baking Illustrated. Even before her destructive act, I found myself dawdling while reading this book; it didn't really hold my attention. The advice seems valuable, so I will probably return to this at a later time.
February 13, 2015
A book for everyone to read to better understand emotions in the workplace. I've personally exhibited all the things discussed in this book (even crying), so I found it especially intriguing and enlightening. Haven't taken the test in the book to see my emotional classification, but planning on it, and the EMT toolkits at the end of each chapter would probably come in handy.
September 9, 2015
This was an interesting topic to delve into, although I took awhile to read it so I think the impact was lessened for me. I still have questions about work and emotion - the author sets a stage for possible change rather than delineating specific solutions. For a complex issue she touches on many points. The bibliography at the end lists numerous books that sound equally intriguing!!
Read
April 29, 2015The book wasn't what I thought it would be, so not giving any stars - not fair to the author. I did try to get into it, but I found it mostly collecting what's now being written about in psychology and business blogs (however, this title proceeds this topical trend, being published in 2011!). Would have been one-of-a-kind 4 yrs ago. And likely something I should have read when it first came out.
February 13, 2016
Great Book. We often forget about our emotions. Nobody teaches us how to be aware of them. But we are emotional beings.
This book is a great guide that helps us to know ourselves, to know why do we feel what we feel and the most important: to control our emotions so we're not end up being controlled by them.
A great reading for personal growth.
This book is a great guide that helps us to know ourselves, to know why do we feel what we feel and the most important: to control our emotions so we're not end up being controlled by them.
A great reading for personal growth.
June 20, 2011
Everyone should read Anne Kreamer's book! It's quite a universal topic, emotion in the workplace!
Look for my upcoming review & thoughts on It's Always Personal, next week at my book blog: www.marianslibrary.wordpress.com
Best,
Kathy
Look for my upcoming review & thoughts on It's Always Personal, next week at my book blog: www.marianslibrary.wordpress.com
Best,
Kathy
July 24, 2011
I've read as much as I am going to read of this one. It is too drawn out and not enough to the point for my taste. When you are reading something that is work related it has to be quick. I broke up with this book.
March 9, 2012
I think this book started a little weak, but has gotten stronger as I read more and more of it. Recommended for those
having to deal with the contemporary workplace which is often toxic and harmful. This is especially useful for those in managerial or supervisory positions.
having to deal with the contemporary workplace which is often toxic and harmful. This is especially useful for those in managerial or supervisory positions.
February 27, 2013
Absolutely loved the concept of the book. It's very up to date on shifting perspectives in corporate business ethics. And of course, learning just how much people actually cry at work - that's mind bugging!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 60 reviews