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A Mouthful Of Air
To the outside world Julie Davis has it all—wealth, a doting husband, an apartment on the Upper West Side, and an adorable new baby boy. But underneath the perfect exterior, she is paralyzed by an over-whelming sense of shame and inadequacy. A Mouthful of Air begins a few weeks after Julie’s suicide attempt and on the eve of her son’s first birthday. Desperate to lead a "normal" life, Julie tries to be thankful for the good things, but her emotional demons persist. In the midst of her struggle, she discovers that she is pregnant for a second time, and is forced to come off the medication that has given her the buoyancy to survive. Through sparse, elegant prose, Amy Koppelman’s brutally honest portrayal of family and self shows the reader that real problems are indiscriminate of money or birthright. A Mouthful of Air brings to light the complexity and fragility of the human psyche.
212 pages, Paperback
First published April 1, 2003
99 people are currently reading
2881 people want to read
About the author
Amy Koppelman
9 books94 followersAmy Koppelman is the author of two critically acclaimed novels, A Mouthful of Air and I Smile Back. She received her undergraduate degree from University of Pennsylvania, and an MFA in fiction from Columbia University. Koppelman and her screenwriting partner adapted I Smile Back for the screen. The film, starring Sarah Silverman, premiered at the 2015 Sundance, Toronoto and Deauville Film Festivals. Amy lives in New York City with her family. She is an outspoken advocate for women’s mental health.
Amy would love to participate in your book club when reading her newest book - Hesitation Wounds.
For more info - amykoppelmanoffice@gmail.com
Amy would love to participate in your book club when reading her newest book - Hesitation Wounds.
For more info - amykoppelmanoffice@gmail.com
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 151 reviews
August 14, 2017
A brilliantly written but very dark account of post-partum depression as seen through the eyes of new mother Julie Davis. The book begins after a failed suicide attempt, and Julie trying to pick up the pieces and cope with her baby, husband and life in general. The book builds with some twists and turns until the final page. A great read that gives you an inside look at post-partum depression as the author herself suffered from it. But beware it is not a happy story
July 21, 2024
Jesus. This book stopped my breath.
Content Warnings: Suicidal Ideation, Attempted suicide, Post Parteum Depression, Child SA, Infidelity, Depression. It's dark.
Full review for Patreon soon.
Content Warnings: Suicidal Ideation, Attempted suicide, Post Parteum Depression, Child SA, Infidelity, Depression. It's dark.
Full review for Patreon soon.
November 9, 2021
I can't believe I finished this book. The writing is terrible, with many unintelligible sentences (e.g.,"Safely, she learned to cry in the womb of her antidepressant." What does that even mean?). The characters are a pathetic bunch of entitled upper West Side Manhattanites who don't have an atom of understanding of how lucky they are. There is no plot to speak of, and the narrator is a passive drip of a woman who crawls through a postpartum depression including a suicide attempt, all predicated on a troublesome relationship with her father, the details of which never become clear. She learns nothing from the experience. So, no plot, no character development, and lousy writing. What a waste of time!
September 13, 2021
This book is about Julie Davis, a young wife, and mother. It explores the impact of mental illness and her crushing battle with postpartum depression. Postpartum depression used to be something no one ever discussed. Even though this book is 18 years old, it sheds light on the issue by exploring the doubts, struggles, and fears of a woman dealing with a newborn while living in a cloud of depression. The book also touches on the debate of using anti-depressants while pregnant, one that is still going on today.
This is a complex and layered book because Julie has a dark history that affects how she tries to raise her infant son. So much of what she goes through— those moments of fear, the negative thoughts, and questioning her instincts—are so common with mothers. One scene I found particularly moving was Teddy is nursing. The author wrote, “Julie's forefinger traces the lines of his lips. He was so beautiful, her boy. She moved her finger into his mouth. He bit down, his gums hard. How they ached for teeth. What do you want, little guy? The boy reached for his mother's face, and she responded curling toward him, pressing her lips against his."
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/amy...
This is a complex and layered book because Julie has a dark history that affects how she tries to raise her infant son. So much of what she goes through— those moments of fear, the negative thoughts, and questioning her instincts—are so common with mothers. One scene I found particularly moving was Teddy is nursing. The author wrote, “Julie's forefinger traces the lines of his lips. He was so beautiful, her boy. She moved her finger into his mouth. He bit down, his gums hard. How they ached for teeth. What do you want, little guy? The boy reached for his mother's face, and she responded curling toward him, pressing her lips against his."
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/amy...
March 15, 2022
I found my way to this book through an Instagram ad for the movie adaptation. I'm always intrigued by an adaptation and I was further inspired to pick up the book, which originally published in 2003, when I saw it was reissued in 2021 by Two Dollar Radio, an indie publication local to me in Columbus, OH.
The feature film trailer featuring Amanda Seyfried did not at all prepare me for just how bleak the story is though I understood the premise going in. A Mouthful of Air is an intimate look at a young mother struggling with postpartum depression.
The story opens just before Julie's son's first birthday, weeks after a very serious suicide attempt. After inpatient psychiatric care and beginning medication Julie is attempting to return to life and motherhood then soon finds herself unexpectedly pregnant again, upending any equilibrium she had managed to obtain.
Well written, complex, layered, suspenseful, provocative A Mouthful of Air is a realistically rendered, impactful read.
I'm curious how they will manage to adapt this book into a film, it's a very internal story, which I feel never translates well. I can't imagine a movie doing the book justice.
Content warnings abound with this one, I'd recommend caution for anyone with triggers related to mental illness, self-harm, anything suicide, pregnancy, or child related.
The feature film trailer featuring Amanda Seyfried did not at all prepare me for just how bleak the story is though I understood the premise going in. A Mouthful of Air is an intimate look at a young mother struggling with postpartum depression.
The story opens just before Julie's son's first birthday, weeks after a very serious suicide attempt. After inpatient psychiatric care and beginning medication Julie is attempting to return to life and motherhood then soon finds herself unexpectedly pregnant again, upending any equilibrium she had managed to obtain.
Well written, complex, layered, suspenseful, provocative A Mouthful of Air is a realistically rendered, impactful read.
I'm curious how they will manage to adapt this book into a film, it's a very internal story, which I feel never translates well. I can't imagine a movie doing the book justice.
Content warnings abound with this one, I'd recommend caution for anyone with triggers related to mental illness, self-harm, anything suicide, pregnancy, or child related.
March 3, 2012
I had mixed feeling about this book. It was often uncomfortable to read, but it also touched upon a lot of feelings (fear, worry, paranoia) that I think are universal to new mothers--even those who have not experienced clinical post-partum depression. It is not a book of survival, or the amazing resiliency of the human spirit, but rather of how people respond differently to the same situation, and how some things are simply out of our hands.
March 9, 2022
After watching the movie "A Mouthful of Air" on a recent plane flight, I ordered this book. I don't normally do this. In fact, I don't read much fiction. However, I found this story so compelling and mesmerizing, I wanted to see how Amy Koppelman's story played out on the page, and I wasn't disappointed. The writing is beautiful weaving past, present, future together into this gordian knot that we wish, as viewers/readers, we could untie or at least loosen just a little. Ghosts of Julie's past haunt her, a new mother, who's struggling with postpartum depression and attempts suicide. What's so remarkable about this book is the way Koppelman takes us inside this illness. We feel what the narrator feels, and, in my opinion, it would be nearly impossible to read this book without your brain altered, understanding the reality of this illness on a much deeper level. At 174 pages, the book is a relative quick read, but the emotional depth and complexity are there. While the movie (directed by Koppelman, the author) is drawn directly from the book, the storyline, for the movie, is adapted so its more visual (less introspective), and, as is the case with most film adaptations, you really need to read the book to fully appreciate Koppelman's story. The writing itself is exquisite.
February 10, 2017
Don't read if you have a baby.
November 15, 2022
2,5/5
Nie pamiętam, kiedy ostatnio miałam taki problem z jednoznaczną oceną książki. W tym przypadku najchętniej oddzieliłabym swoje uczucia związane z tematyką i ważnością poruszanych wątków od sfery technicznej, czyli stylu autorki i języka (być może także tłumaczenia i redakcji), bo ta część niestety leży.
Zdaję sobie sprawę z tego, że "Łapiąc oddech" to opowieść, która rządzi się nieco innymi prawami, ponieważ jej pierwsze wydanie powstało dawno temu (posłowie głosi, że opublikowano ją trzydzieści lat temu, a wszystkie inne źródła podają dwadzieścia lat, więc dziwna sprawa), dlatego sposób pisania mógł być nieco inny, ale jednak co tu dużo pisać - dawno nie czytało mi się książki tak opornie. Brnęłam przez nią jak przez największe bagno i to bez kaloszy. Zdania są dziwnie skonstruowane, narracja jest niemiłosiernie chaotyczna, a istotne wątki ledwie muśnięte, po czym zostawione na pastwę losu i domysłów czytelnika. Bardzo ciężko się to czyta.
Przy tym wszystkim jest to bardzo ważna historia, o której powinno być głośniej. Porusza temat depresji poporodowej, prób samobójczych, uzależnienia od leków, a także walki pomiędzy tym, co czuje i myśli człowiek, a tym co powinien czuć i myśleć według społeczeństwa. Kiedy człowiek w końcu zacznie chłonąć tę lekturę, zapominając o tym, jak jest koszmarnie napisana, to naprawdę dochodzi do wniosku, że szkoda tego zmarnowanego potencjału, bo to wartościowa rzecz.
Wejście w umysł bohaterki, która po prostu jest chora, to niesamowite doświadczenie. A zakończenie idealne, takie jakie powinno być, chociaż łamie serducho, a co wrażliwszym zapewni płacz na dłuższy czas. Dla samego finału warto sięgnąć po tę historię, bo świetnie pokazuje, jak wiele złego może się wydarzyć, gdy depresja przejmie stery. Bądźcie czujni, miejcie oczy dookoła głowy i wspierajcie, ale tak naprawdę, a nie od przypadku do przypadku.
Nie pamiętam, kiedy ostatnio miałam taki problem z jednoznaczną oceną książki. W tym przypadku najchętniej oddzieliłabym swoje uczucia związane z tematyką i ważnością poruszanych wątków od sfery technicznej, czyli stylu autorki i języka (być może także tłumaczenia i redakcji), bo ta część niestety leży.
Zdaję sobie sprawę z tego, że "Łapiąc oddech" to opowieść, która rządzi się nieco innymi prawami, ponieważ jej pierwsze wydanie powstało dawno temu (posłowie głosi, że opublikowano ją trzydzieści lat temu, a wszystkie inne źródła podają dwadzieścia lat, więc dziwna sprawa), dlatego sposób pisania mógł być nieco inny, ale jednak co tu dużo pisać - dawno nie czytało mi się książki tak opornie. Brnęłam przez nią jak przez największe bagno i to bez kaloszy. Zdania są dziwnie skonstruowane, narracja jest niemiłosiernie chaotyczna, a istotne wątki ledwie muśnięte, po czym zostawione na pastwę losu i domysłów czytelnika. Bardzo ciężko się to czyta.
Przy tym wszystkim jest to bardzo ważna historia, o której powinno być głośniej. Porusza temat depresji poporodowej, prób samobójczych, uzależnienia od leków, a także walki pomiędzy tym, co czuje i myśli człowiek, a tym co powinien czuć i myśleć według społeczeństwa. Kiedy człowiek w końcu zacznie chłonąć tę lekturę, zapominając o tym, jak jest koszmarnie napisana, to naprawdę dochodzi do wniosku, że szkoda tego zmarnowanego potencjału, bo to wartościowa rzecz.
Wejście w umysł bohaterki, która po prostu jest chora, to niesamowite doświadczenie. A zakończenie idealne, takie jakie powinno być, chociaż łamie serducho, a co wrażliwszym zapewni płacz na dłuższy czas. Dla samego finału warto sięgnąć po tę historię, bo świetnie pokazuje, jak wiele złego może się wydarzyć, gdy depresja przejmie stery. Bądźcie czujni, miejcie oczy dookoła głowy i wspierajcie, ale tak naprawdę, a nie od przypadku do przypadku.
May 28, 2016
"A Mouthful of Air" tells the story of Julie, a 26 year-old mom of a soon-to-be 1 year-old boy named Teddy. They live with her husband, who is Teddy's dad, Ethan. When the book begins, Julie has just arrived home from a mental facility after attempting suicide due to a severe form of Postpartum Depression, and she is desperately trying to get accustomed to living a normal life again. But when she returns, she finds herself feeling like a stranger in her own home. The live-in housekeeper and caretaker to Teddy is Georgie, and Julie struggles to regain her authority and role as the female head of the household. Julie comes home with high expectations of herself which, in her mind, seem to be forced upon her by Ethan. For instance, when Ethan picks her up from the mental hospital after she had spent several weeks there following her suicide attempt, he brings her a bag full of new clothes which she feels is his way of saying that he wants her to return as a brand new person:
"Too much newness pressing against her flesh. Too much, already, of his tidy expectation."
It seems to me that Julie suffers from more than PPD. One theory of why PPD occurs is because 3 days after giving birth, a woman's estrogen levels drop from the previous level of estrogen during pregnancy which is 1,000X the normal level (these exceedingly high levels of estrogen explain why women have that "happy pregnancy glow"). This sudden drop in estrogen can cause depression. I have a genetic link on my paternal grandmother's side to PPD, and she attempted suicide in the 1950's due to it, but luckily survived and lived to the ripe old age of 95. When I had PPD, it was like waking up to a blackness every morning that I couldn't lift, but each month that my hormones built back up, I started to feel better. I never took any medication for it, but I did put myself on a rigorous schedule that somehow made me feel secure and included writing everything I did taking care of my baby down, and I also did daily 45-minute stroller walks to force off the stress. But with Julie, the depression never lifts. It also seems to be exacerbated by this constant feeling of unworthiness, and she seems to feel like she'll never be able to quite measure up to her (as she sees it) more competent husband. While at a basketball game, Julie's thoughts of wanting her son to take after Ethan instead of her are evident:
"Thankfully, Teddy's growing up in Ethan's world. There he can root for any team he wants to root for, even a winning franchise like the Knicks."
Just before this, the book tells us: "In Julie's world, Teddy would be a Nets fan. He'd be forced to root for the underdog. She looks through the crowd one last time for her husband. There he is, much too far ahead for her to ever catch up."
Throughout "A Mouthful of Air," I found myself rooting for Julie. I wanted her to persevere and pull through, but as I read, it became more and more difficult to convince myself that she would. But whether or not she does becomes nearly irrelevant by the end of the book, due to Koppelman's last 10 or so pages which lead us to a conclusion that is cinematic and truly a thing of perfection. Life is not always perfect, but a book can wrap itself up in the perfect way of forcing you to pay attention. People with chronic depression need to be helped, not shunned just because we expect life to always be wrapped up nicely and tidily since that's the way we'd prefer things to be.
"Too much newness pressing against her flesh. Too much, already, of his tidy expectation."
It seems to me that Julie suffers from more than PPD. One theory of why PPD occurs is because 3 days after giving birth, a woman's estrogen levels drop from the previous level of estrogen during pregnancy which is 1,000X the normal level (these exceedingly high levels of estrogen explain why women have that "happy pregnancy glow"). This sudden drop in estrogen can cause depression. I have a genetic link on my paternal grandmother's side to PPD, and she attempted suicide in the 1950's due to it, but luckily survived and lived to the ripe old age of 95. When I had PPD, it was like waking up to a blackness every morning that I couldn't lift, but each month that my hormones built back up, I started to feel better. I never took any medication for it, but I did put myself on a rigorous schedule that somehow made me feel secure and included writing everything I did taking care of my baby down, and I also did daily 45-minute stroller walks to force off the stress. But with Julie, the depression never lifts. It also seems to be exacerbated by this constant feeling of unworthiness, and she seems to feel like she'll never be able to quite measure up to her (as she sees it) more competent husband. While at a basketball game, Julie's thoughts of wanting her son to take after Ethan instead of her are evident:
"Thankfully, Teddy's growing up in Ethan's world. There he can root for any team he wants to root for, even a winning franchise like the Knicks."
Just before this, the book tells us: "In Julie's world, Teddy would be a Nets fan. He'd be forced to root for the underdog. She looks through the crowd one last time for her husband. There he is, much too far ahead for her to ever catch up."
Throughout "A Mouthful of Air," I found myself rooting for Julie. I wanted her to persevere and pull through, but as I read, it became more and more difficult to convince myself that she would. But whether or not she does becomes nearly irrelevant by the end of the book, due to Koppelman's last 10 or so pages which lead us to a conclusion that is cinematic and truly a thing of perfection. Life is not always perfect, but a book can wrap itself up in the perfect way of forcing you to pay attention. People with chronic depression need to be helped, not shunned just because we expect life to always be wrapped up nicely and tidily since that's the way we'd prefer things to be.
November 12, 2013
Another great story by Amy! Another story that haunts you long after you've finished the book. While reading the final pages I had to put the book down because I couldn't see the words through my tears. This book will remain in my library so that I can go back and read it again, much like her book I Smile Back.
August 17, 2021
via my blog: https://bookstalkerblog.wordpress.com/
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐝, 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥, 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧. "𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬," 𝐡𝐞'𝐬 𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧 "𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞." 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐞. 𝐉𝐮𝐥𝐢𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬. 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞.
It should be the happily ever after of Julie’s life, but faith isn’t enough to chase her deep depression away. Julie longs for that elusive happiness, the normalcy that seems so easy for other mothers and wives but she is tormented by her own mind, coping with the fallout in the aftermath of a suicide attempt caused by her postpartum depression. She tries to believe as her husband Ethan does, that this will be the happily ever after part of her life, but her thoughts are circular, and intrusive. She feels like a failure, and certainly to the world a woman like her, a New Yorker with more advantage than most, should be content, happy beyond measure. Instead, she sees her son Teddy bonded to their nanny, Georgie, who is likely judging Julie for her wealth and her failure as a mother. She knows she couldn’t get through a day without her help, nor that of the shrink and the pills. She needs her and resents Georgie’s presence at the same time. This is her chance to make things right, to fix everything that is wrong, but no one doubts her more than she doubts herself.
When she gave birth to Teddy, her mind plummeted, despite all the measures she took for a healthy birth. Doing everything right couldn’t stop the monster of postpartum that was waiting for her. She is afraid of mothering her own son, afraid of hurting him or herself again. If she can just collect small victories, going to the dry cleaner, attempting a date night basketball game with her husband, then maybe over time it will become normal, easier. She tortures herself with visions of a happier version of herself, a more competent mother and wife. One who does nice things for her son, who is present and joyful. She never seems to meet that optimism by the day’s end. Too, she is harassed with thoughts about her body, her declining youth, ugly abuses she dishes out to herself, remnants of her own father’s cruelty to her mother-likely the birth of her body issues. The strange relationship Julie had with him, lines that were crossed in intimacy, are just another cross to bear. It’s all too much to think about, to remember. How did she get here, to this dark place,? Why can’t she just appreciate the good fortune she has?
Her mother is in her head, a woman who mastered the art of “make-believe” the very thing Julie is now clinging to so as not to sink into despair totally. She is ashamed of what she’s done, well aware others know, she wants to be the prize Ethan needs, the ‘pretty, happy’ wife who will reflect only the greatness of her husband. It should be easy, pretending to have fun, feigning joy. There are always younger girls who would die for the chance to be at her successful husband’s side, so many threats. It’s too much, his world of comfort, miles away from her world of pretend. Here she is, taking the days and all it’s minutes and hours, one step at a time. She fears, and ‘knows’ deep down, that he doesn’t love her as she is now, what man would?
Julie imagines how Ethan and Teddy’s world would be without her in it. A world of order, as Ethan can easily avoid the things in life that disturb him. Her surroundings are a stark reminder of the optimistic person she was before her son’s birth. It almost embarrasses Julie, her foolish self. She is haunted by the thought of being alone, not unlike her elderly neighbor. If she isn’t careful, she will be just like her- “an old woman longing to die” but she is now, a young woman fighting the urge to die. Or she was… she is well now, or getting there, isn’t she? Julie wants to take her life back but the effort is Herculean.
We wonder if those in her life are blameless, as her mind batters her, little truths slip out about everyone. Their blindness or abuses. Nothing has branded her as much as her mother and father’s relationship. She carries it every cell of her being but hides from it too. She is broken, she is trying but it’s so hard, if she could escape, stay in bed forever, protected from the demands of the every day. She cannot escape the reminders of her attempt to end her life. How can she escape her thoughts, when she faces the same people and memories? The choices others made that affected her adversely?
The reader is sole witness as Julie tries to catch her breath each day, privy to thoughts she hides, to the traps her mind has set for her. It’s a tug of war, moments where she makes a stand and ‘won’t be intimidated’ but more often when she crumbles inside knowing down to her bones that she can’t control any of it. She is not ready when something happens and she must weigh the risks of stopping her medication. Something that will test the love between she and her husband Ethan, she must be strong, for her little family. If she can keep it together, stay in the present, maybe… maybe she can become whole again. She mustn’t disappoint, her husband, her child, her doctor, her mother… the world. Mustn’t be weak.
It is truly a depressing story, particularly as I read the afterword by Adrienne Miller and realize it was written twenty years ago. It is a shocking tale, because mental health issues were (still are by my measure in many circumstances) a taboo subject. Postpartum depression (PPD) really only seemed to be discussed after horrific headlines of tragic tales. Mothers have always been harshly judged but add mental illness, deeply misunderstood even by today’s standards, and it’s no wonder so many women tried to keep a lid on their unraveling minds, until it was too late. No one wants to admit they are having unhealthy thoughts, as they horrify themselves, how could they reach out for help or admit what darkness circles their minds? Often it leads to extreme measures, as at the start we know Julie already tried to end her life. These days we know, to a degree, what to look out for, to seek help but it’s still an important conversation to have, a story to tell. No this is not a happy book, it’s the story of a woman who is in desperate need of healing and help but the wishes and demands of her husband and ‘normalcy’ outweigh her own cries for help. It’s meant to put the reader in Julie’s skin, to feel the nagging intrusion of one’s own mind turned against them. A heavy read.
Publication Date: August 17th, 2021
Two Dollar Radio
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐝, 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥, 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧. "𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬," 𝐡𝐞'𝐬 𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧 "𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞." 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐞. 𝐉𝐮𝐥𝐢𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬. 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞.
It should be the happily ever after of Julie’s life, but faith isn’t enough to chase her deep depression away. Julie longs for that elusive happiness, the normalcy that seems so easy for other mothers and wives but she is tormented by her own mind, coping with the fallout in the aftermath of a suicide attempt caused by her postpartum depression. She tries to believe as her husband Ethan does, that this will be the happily ever after part of her life, but her thoughts are circular, and intrusive. She feels like a failure, and certainly to the world a woman like her, a New Yorker with more advantage than most, should be content, happy beyond measure. Instead, she sees her son Teddy bonded to their nanny, Georgie, who is likely judging Julie for her wealth and her failure as a mother. She knows she couldn’t get through a day without her help, nor that of the shrink and the pills. She needs her and resents Georgie’s presence at the same time. This is her chance to make things right, to fix everything that is wrong, but no one doubts her more than she doubts herself.
When she gave birth to Teddy, her mind plummeted, despite all the measures she took for a healthy birth. Doing everything right couldn’t stop the monster of postpartum that was waiting for her. She is afraid of mothering her own son, afraid of hurting him or herself again. If she can just collect small victories, going to the dry cleaner, attempting a date night basketball game with her husband, then maybe over time it will become normal, easier. She tortures herself with visions of a happier version of herself, a more competent mother and wife. One who does nice things for her son, who is present and joyful. She never seems to meet that optimism by the day’s end. Too, she is harassed with thoughts about her body, her declining youth, ugly abuses she dishes out to herself, remnants of her own father’s cruelty to her mother-likely the birth of her body issues. The strange relationship Julie had with him, lines that were crossed in intimacy, are just another cross to bear. It’s all too much to think about, to remember. How did she get here, to this dark place,? Why can’t she just appreciate the good fortune she has?
Her mother is in her head, a woman who mastered the art of “make-believe” the very thing Julie is now clinging to so as not to sink into despair totally. She is ashamed of what she’s done, well aware others know, she wants to be the prize Ethan needs, the ‘pretty, happy’ wife who will reflect only the greatness of her husband. It should be easy, pretending to have fun, feigning joy. There are always younger girls who would die for the chance to be at her successful husband’s side, so many threats. It’s too much, his world of comfort, miles away from her world of pretend. Here she is, taking the days and all it’s minutes and hours, one step at a time. She fears, and ‘knows’ deep down, that he doesn’t love her as she is now, what man would?
Julie imagines how Ethan and Teddy’s world would be without her in it. A world of order, as Ethan can easily avoid the things in life that disturb him. Her surroundings are a stark reminder of the optimistic person she was before her son’s birth. It almost embarrasses Julie, her foolish self. She is haunted by the thought of being alone, not unlike her elderly neighbor. If she isn’t careful, she will be just like her- “an old woman longing to die” but she is now, a young woman fighting the urge to die. Or she was… she is well now, or getting there, isn’t she? Julie wants to take her life back but the effort is Herculean.
We wonder if those in her life are blameless, as her mind batters her, little truths slip out about everyone. Their blindness or abuses. Nothing has branded her as much as her mother and father’s relationship. She carries it every cell of her being but hides from it too. She is broken, she is trying but it’s so hard, if she could escape, stay in bed forever, protected from the demands of the every day. She cannot escape the reminders of her attempt to end her life. How can she escape her thoughts, when she faces the same people and memories? The choices others made that affected her adversely?
The reader is sole witness as Julie tries to catch her breath each day, privy to thoughts she hides, to the traps her mind has set for her. It’s a tug of war, moments where she makes a stand and ‘won’t be intimidated’ but more often when she crumbles inside knowing down to her bones that she can’t control any of it. She is not ready when something happens and she must weigh the risks of stopping her medication. Something that will test the love between she and her husband Ethan, she must be strong, for her little family. If she can keep it together, stay in the present, maybe… maybe she can become whole again. She mustn’t disappoint, her husband, her child, her doctor, her mother… the world. Mustn’t be weak.
It is truly a depressing story, particularly as I read the afterword by Adrienne Miller and realize it was written twenty years ago. It is a shocking tale, because mental health issues were (still are by my measure in many circumstances) a taboo subject. Postpartum depression (PPD) really only seemed to be discussed after horrific headlines of tragic tales. Mothers have always been harshly judged but add mental illness, deeply misunderstood even by today’s standards, and it’s no wonder so many women tried to keep a lid on their unraveling minds, until it was too late. No one wants to admit they are having unhealthy thoughts, as they horrify themselves, how could they reach out for help or admit what darkness circles their minds? Often it leads to extreme measures, as at the start we know Julie already tried to end her life. These days we know, to a degree, what to look out for, to seek help but it’s still an important conversation to have, a story to tell. No this is not a happy book, it’s the story of a woman who is in desperate need of healing and help but the wishes and demands of her husband and ‘normalcy’ outweigh her own cries for help. It’s meant to put the reader in Julie’s skin, to feel the nagging intrusion of one’s own mind turned against them. A heavy read.
Publication Date: August 17th, 2021
Two Dollar Radio
September 12, 2023
An infuriating, heartbreaking read.
Edit: also, I feel really defensive when it comes to Ethan. He was a great husband, father. He was there for Julie. Encouraging. Supportive. Took care of her. It seems some people are implying he tried to push her illness under the rug, pressure Julie to act or be a certain way. He didn’t, EXCEPT when he put his foot down about her medication. And at the end of the day, you can’t force a grown adult to put something into their body that they don’t want in it. She mentions Ethan “gaping” at her when he would catch her crying, counted down the days to when she could start taking her medication again, was really attentive, spoke to her doctors, handled all questions, never judged her for not breast feeding, always told her they’d get through this. The pressure Julie felt was pressure she mostly placed on herself. Her readings of other people’s actions were a result of her illness. It was honestly heartbreaking. You know he and Teddy are going to be destroyed. I was rooting for Julie as well, I understand she was a victim, so are they. And Julie knows it, questions whether abandonment is passed down from parent to child. Which made me even angrier. /complicated feelings
*I wanted to edit this review... again... because I'm still thinking about this story. I badly wanted Julie to put herself first, ask for more help - even more help, all the help she could get. Put on her oxygen mask before anyone else's. Take her medication instead of deciding to breastfeed. Expectations, she was always worried about them. I just really, really wanted her to take her medication, follow the plan, learn from the past, recognize/acknowledge and react to the signs, she DESERVED!!!! happiness, her family, their love, all of it and I badly wanted her to have it. All of them to have it. Even if it was in little doses (at first, for a while). More of those dancing in the backyard moments.
There's one part of the book... when Julie picked at herself until she bled, acknowledged the bleeding, chose to ignore it and continued to pick. :(
Edit: also, I feel really defensive when it comes to Ethan. He was a great husband, father. He was there for Julie. Encouraging. Supportive. Took care of her. It seems some people are implying he tried to push her illness under the rug, pressure Julie to act or be a certain way. He didn’t, EXCEPT when he put his foot down about her medication. And at the end of the day, you can’t force a grown adult to put something into their body that they don’t want in it. She mentions Ethan “gaping” at her when he would catch her crying, counted down the days to when she could start taking her medication again, was really attentive, spoke to her doctors, handled all questions, never judged her for not breast feeding, always told her they’d get through this. The pressure Julie felt was pressure she mostly placed on herself. Her readings of other people’s actions were a result of her illness. It was honestly heartbreaking. You know he and Teddy are going to be destroyed. I was rooting for Julie as well, I understand she was a victim, so are they. And Julie knows it, questions whether abandonment is passed down from parent to child. Which made me even angrier. /complicated feelings
*I wanted to edit this review... again... because I'm still thinking about this story. I badly wanted Julie to put herself first, ask for more help - even more help, all the help she could get. Put on her oxygen mask before anyone else's. Take her medication instead of deciding to breastfeed. Expectations, she was always worried about them. I just really, really wanted her to take her medication, follow the plan, learn from the past, recognize/acknowledge and react to the signs, she DESERVED!!!! happiness, her family, their love, all of it and I badly wanted her to have it. All of them to have it. Even if it was in little doses (at first, for a while). More of those dancing in the backyard moments.
There's one part of the book... when Julie picked at herself until she bled, acknowledged the bleeding, chose to ignore it and continued to pick. :(
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 6, 2022
I had to sit with this one for a few days before I could give a review. At first I didn’t like it, I didn’t like the third person perspective and I actually considered throwing in the towel. I stuck with it and I think I’m glad I did, lol! The topic of postpartum depression is not fun or lighthearted, but that’s ok, I tend to prefer books that deal with difficult subject matter, so that wasn’t an issue for me as it was for some other reviewers. My feelings on the book changes a lot after reading the afterward, by Adrienne Miller. She raised a lot of good points I hadn’t considered while reading the book. I still don’t think I would recommend this book, but I am glad I finished it because it did stick with me and make me think.
January 31, 2013
One of the most depressing novels I've ever read. Amy Koppelman writes of a young mother's struggle with depression in such a heartrendingly poetic and shattered way, making it difficult to put the book down.
May 8, 2024
Not to be read even if a little bit depressed ... but very good.
November 6, 2021
3.5 stars
May 29, 2023
Terrifying. Terrifying how real the descriptions of depression are. Sitting here with tears in my eyes. I honestly didn't see the end coming.
June 10, 2009
A dark, dark look at the bleak outlook of a young mother after having her first child. After reading Koppelman's other book (which is just as dark), I immediately bought this one and started reading. I appreciate her bravery in facing the darkness that lives inside some people that others never experience or can't understand. I look forward to more from the author! (But if you're a young mother who can't handle bad things happening, I suggest you don't read it. This book is not for everyone.)
December 26, 2016
Dark. I found myself flinching while reading it even though I knew what was coming. Young mother (26) living in NYC (across from Central Park) dealing with depression and also trying to parent her young son. Has some demons from her past involving her father who split from the family.
February 28, 2025
There is always the hope that if you hold things together long enough you might prevent them from crumbling around you.
A Mouthful of Air is a first-person narrative of a woman, Julie Davis, who suffers from mental illnesses like depression.
I only made it to the end because this book is thankfully short. The entire book follows a pattern of:
Depressing observations of surroundings.
Depressing thoughts about the past.
A bit of stilted dialogue.
repeat
There are no ups and downs - just downs. It is heavy-handed with depressing lines and thoughts and it never lets up. The characters are frustratingly shallow and stupid - they fail to see their privileged and comfortable position in life and the world and obsess over whatever there is to obsess over. Julie gets pregnant even though she's mentally not able to care for a child. I don't even feel bad for her.
There is no plot. Just snippets of depressing thoughts. Something is going on with her father, he's the reason for her depression, but that is never hashed out.
Perhaps this book will resonate with you if you've experienced postpartum depression, otherwise, it might just fall flat.
A Mouthful of Air is a first-person narrative of a woman, Julie Davis, who suffers from mental illnesses like depression.
I only made it to the end because this book is thankfully short. The entire book follows a pattern of:
Depressing observations of surroundings.
Depressing thoughts about the past.
A bit of stilted dialogue.
repeat
There are no ups and downs - just downs. It is heavy-handed with depressing lines and thoughts and it never lets up. The characters are frustratingly shallow and stupid - they fail to see their privileged and comfortable position in life and the world and obsess over whatever there is to obsess over. Julie gets pregnant even though she's mentally not able to care for a child. I don't even feel bad for her.
There is no plot. Just snippets of depressing thoughts. Something is going on with her father, he's the reason for her depression, but that is never hashed out.
Perhaps this book will resonate with you if you've experienced postpartum depression, otherwise, it might just fall flat.
October 3, 2024
I hate half stars but I have to do it. 3.5 because I couldn’t put it down but also hated what I was reading. Put me in a weird place and really had me rooting for their family. It’s deeply…just, it’s deep. Dark. I actually loved the writing style, and how it somehow softened the blows? I can’t believe I finished it because it’s awful but idk. It was moving.
May 13, 2024
I am in need of a happy book now
March 9, 2025
A little too wild and modern for my taste, but very sad.
July 28, 2025
Totalnie zmiotła mnie z planszy. Porusza temat depresji w sposób tak autentyczny i przejmujący, że trudno było mi się oderwać..
December 31, 2022
Heavy. I love the way Amy Koppelman writes, leaves us both wanting and haunted by more.
July 27, 2021
Stunning and elegant portrayal of the rawness of postpartum depression, told in elegant and authentic, sparse prose
Looking for your next great read? Check out my reviews and interviews here, every Wednesday: www.leslielindsay.com|Always with a Book.
It seems strange to give A MOUTHFUL OF AIR (Two Dollar Radio, August 17 2021) such lavish praise, because the subject matter is really quite dark, but the execution of this near-autofiction is just so gorgeously rendered, I felt truly amazed and almost tremulous in its company.
Compared to classic feminist works such as Charlotte Perkins Gilman's THE YELLOW WALLPAPER and Sylvia Plath's THE BELL JAR, A MOUTHFUL OF AIR is a powerful, tragic, and haunting examination of one woman's love for her family but also her interior struggles.
Julie Davis is a young wife and mother torn between the love she feels for her 1-year old son, her husband and the life she feels she 'ought' to have: upper middle class Jewish housewife. We meet Julie just several weeks after her suicide attempt, which her husband calls 'an accident.' She has been hospitalized, but we never 'see' this, it's all alluded to. She's home now and it's the eve of her son's first birthday. She has plans to bake a cake and chicken dish (for her husband), as well as puree peaches for her son. She goes about her day--and their life collecting groceries, going outside, attempting to be grateful, but she's plagued with a nagging voice inside telling her that maybe the world would just be better off without her.
Told in elegant, sparse prose that is both gorgeous and accessible, A MOUTHFUL OF AIR is a very interior read, and I loved it. The words dance on the page like poetry, but with such an emotional resonance that took my breath away.
The timeline here is a little wonky--and I think that speaks to Julie's fragmented state of mind--there's the eve of the birthday, the errands outing, some jags to the past, future, and backstory involving Julie's mother and father, inviting the reader to weave the details together. Julie and her husband, Ethan, leave NYC for the suburbs and so we get a glimpse into their new home, which I loved. Still, Julie is not happy here.
Buried within A MOUTHFUL OF AIR is a bit of a discussion of what depression IS--it's causes, cures, and what it draws from its victims, none of which is told in a didactic or prescriptive manner, which, yay! Koppelman does a fabulous job of taking a very real, very serious illness and weaving it into a haunting and blisteringly sublime narrative I won't soon shake.
I was reminded, in part, of the work of Michael Cunningham's THE HOURS meets the prose of Helen Phillps (particularly in THE NEED), with a bit of Elizabeth Brundage's work, and Anna Solomon's THE BOOK OF V, but also maybe the tone and style of Lily King.
For all my reviews, including author interviews, please see: www.leslielindsay.com|Always with a Book.
Special thanks to the author and Two Dollar Radio for this review copy. All thoughts are my own.
A MOUTHFUL OF AIR is considered fiction but is very personal to the author, Amy Koppelman, who is an outspoken advocate for women's mental health and also struggled with postpartum depression.
Looking for your next great read? Check out my reviews and interviews here, every Wednesday: www.leslielindsay.com|Always with a Book.
It seems strange to give A MOUTHFUL OF AIR (Two Dollar Radio, August 17 2021) such lavish praise, because the subject matter is really quite dark, but the execution of this near-autofiction is just so gorgeously rendered, I felt truly amazed and almost tremulous in its company.
Compared to classic feminist works such as Charlotte Perkins Gilman's THE YELLOW WALLPAPER and Sylvia Plath's THE BELL JAR, A MOUTHFUL OF AIR is a powerful, tragic, and haunting examination of one woman's love for her family but also her interior struggles.
Julie Davis is a young wife and mother torn between the love she feels for her 1-year old son, her husband and the life she feels she 'ought' to have: upper middle class Jewish housewife. We meet Julie just several weeks after her suicide attempt, which her husband calls 'an accident.' She has been hospitalized, but we never 'see' this, it's all alluded to. She's home now and it's the eve of her son's first birthday. She has plans to bake a cake and chicken dish (for her husband), as well as puree peaches for her son. She goes about her day--and their life collecting groceries, going outside, attempting to be grateful, but she's plagued with a nagging voice inside telling her that maybe the world would just be better off without her.
Told in elegant, sparse prose that is both gorgeous and accessible, A MOUTHFUL OF AIR is a very interior read, and I loved it. The words dance on the page like poetry, but with such an emotional resonance that took my breath away.
The timeline here is a little wonky--and I think that speaks to Julie's fragmented state of mind--there's the eve of the birthday, the errands outing, some jags to the past, future, and backstory involving Julie's mother and father, inviting the reader to weave the details together. Julie and her husband, Ethan, leave NYC for the suburbs and so we get a glimpse into their new home, which I loved. Still, Julie is not happy here.
Buried within A MOUTHFUL OF AIR is a bit of a discussion of what depression IS--it's causes, cures, and what it draws from its victims, none of which is told in a didactic or prescriptive manner, which, yay! Koppelman does a fabulous job of taking a very real, very serious illness and weaving it into a haunting and blisteringly sublime narrative I won't soon shake.
I was reminded, in part, of the work of Michael Cunningham's THE HOURS meets the prose of Helen Phillps (particularly in THE NEED), with a bit of Elizabeth Brundage's work, and Anna Solomon's THE BOOK OF V, but also maybe the tone and style of Lily King.
For all my reviews, including author interviews, please see: www.leslielindsay.com|Always with a Book.
Special thanks to the author and Two Dollar Radio for this review copy. All thoughts are my own.
A MOUTHFUL OF AIR is considered fiction but is very personal to the author, Amy Koppelman, who is an outspoken advocate for women's mental health and also struggled with postpartum depression.
September 1, 2022
Este libro es un retrato compasivo y desgarrador de Julie Davis, una joven esposa y madre que está dividida entre el amor que siente por su familia y la voz en su cabeza que insiste en que estarían mejor sin ella.
Conocemos a Julie varias semanas después de su intento de suicidio, en la víspera del primer cumpleaños de su hijo. Tiene 26 años, es una neoyorquina privilegiada que aparentemente "lo tenía todo". Agradecida de estar viva, Julie hace todo lo posible por apreciar cada momento: "este árbol, ese auto que pasa.. Por alguna razón, se le ha dado una segunda oportunidad", pero sus demonios emocionales son implacables y está perdiendo la batalla lenta y silenciosamente.
La escritora nos describe la enfermedad de Julie, la depresión y sus causas, el precio que exige a sus víctimas, vemos la perdida de Julie en su propia psique y como no puede escapar a pesar de la riqueza, la buena apariencia, la inteligencia, su buena educación y las habilidades de psiquiatras de primer nivel.
Me pareció un libro brutalmente honesto sobre la complejidad de la psique humana. Un libro que sirve como un recordatorio para una sociedad que a menudo no se da cuenta del sufrimiento silencioso de los demás.
Esto es un libro que no olvidaré pronto. Admiro la valentía de Amy Koppelman al escribir sobre la oscuridad que vive dentro de las personas que algunos nunca experimentan o intentan comprender.
Conocemos a Julie varias semanas después de su intento de suicidio, en la víspera del primer cumpleaños de su hijo. Tiene 26 años, es una neoyorquina privilegiada que aparentemente "lo tenía todo". Agradecida de estar viva, Julie hace todo lo posible por apreciar cada momento: "este árbol, ese auto que pasa.. Por alguna razón, se le ha dado una segunda oportunidad", pero sus demonios emocionales son implacables y está perdiendo la batalla lenta y silenciosamente.
La escritora nos describe la enfermedad de Julie, la depresión y sus causas, el precio que exige a sus víctimas, vemos la perdida de Julie en su propia psique y como no puede escapar a pesar de la riqueza, la buena apariencia, la inteligencia, su buena educación y las habilidades de psiquiatras de primer nivel.
Me pareció un libro brutalmente honesto sobre la complejidad de la psique humana. Un libro que sirve como un recordatorio para una sociedad que a menudo no se da cuenta del sufrimiento silencioso de los demás.
Esto es un libro que no olvidaré pronto. Admiro la valentía de Amy Koppelman al escribir sobre la oscuridad que vive dentro de las personas que algunos nunca experimentan o intentan comprender.
February 22, 2016
This was a really disappointing story, tedious and self-centered. As a woman with depression I know how tedious and self-centered we can be, but this didn't really touch any of the feelings or lack thereof that I associate with depression. I'm sure postpartum depression is different, but this still felt more like Julie was whining about how every woman in the world is prettier than her, and how her father left her, so that means her husband's obviously going to leave. By the way, the relationship with her father was creepy and absolutely unnecessary.
To be fair, part of my aversion to the book is that the self hatred she had trained into her since girlhood just for the crime of being a girl, is so different from anything I will ever experience, and maybe I'm just not straight enough to understand the insecurity about her husband.
I wanted to quit several times but I stuck it through and I'm glad I did because the last seventy pages or so took the plot in a different direction and even held me captivated until the end, which I was not expecting at all. But even the end didn't quite make the lead-up any less intolerable.
To be fair, part of my aversion to the book is that the self hatred she had trained into her since girlhood just for the crime of being a girl, is so different from anything I will ever experience, and maybe I'm just not straight enough to understand the insecurity about her husband.
I wanted to quit several times but I stuck it through and I'm glad I did because the last seventy pages or so took the plot in a different direction and even held me captivated until the end, which I was not expecting at all. But even the end didn't quite make the lead-up any less intolerable.
January 11, 2022
An Amazing Emotional Experience.
While I was reading Mouthful of Air...I cried, stopped to contemplate, felt my own emotions become entangled in Julie's thoughts, and kept turning back to the author's picture for a peek into her soul. Even my "hair" hurt when I read the ending!
There are so many "walking wounded" among us. Ms. Koppelman's honesty in relating Julie's story reminds us that everyone is vulnerable. No one is immune to suffering.
The author has a wonderful gift. She expresses herself in a clear and concise manner, and yet completes the picture for her reader. I could "see" Julie. I could "feel" Julie. The endng was brilliant in its clarity of thought.
Ms. Koppelman is a bright young woman who needs to continue to write.
While I was reading Mouthful of Air...I cried, stopped to contemplate, felt my own emotions become entangled in Julie's thoughts, and kept turning back to the author's picture for a peek into her soul. Even my "hair" hurt when I read the ending!
There are so many "walking wounded" among us. Ms. Koppelman's honesty in relating Julie's story reminds us that everyone is vulnerable. No one is immune to suffering.
The author has a wonderful gift. She expresses herself in a clear and concise manner, and yet completes the picture for her reader. I could "see" Julie. I could "feel" Julie. The endng was brilliant in its clarity of thought.
Ms. Koppelman is a bright young woman who needs to continue to write.
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