Dave Barry's Money Secrets: Like: Why Is There a Giant Eyeball on the Dollar?

by Dave Barry, Dick Hill (Narrator)

Did you ever wish that you really understood money? Well, Dave Barry wishes that he did, too. But that hasn’t stopped him from writing this book. In it, Dave explores (as only he can) such topics

• How the U.S. economy works, including the often overlooked role of Adam Sandler
• Why it is not a good idea to use squirrels for money
• Strategies that will give you the confidence you need to try for a good job, even though you are—let’s be honest—a no-talent loser
• How corporate executives, simply by walking into their offices, immediately become much stupider
• An absolutely foolproof system for making money in the stock market, requiring only a little effort (and access to time travel)
• Surefire tips for buying and selling real estate, the key Never buy—or, for that matter, sell—real estate
• How to minimize your federal taxes, safely and legally, by cheating
• Why good colleges cost so much, and how to make sure your child does not get into one
• How to reduce the cost of your medical care by basically not getting any
• Estate planning, especially the financial benefits of an early death
• And many, many pictures of Suze Orman

But that’s only the beginning! Dave has also included in this book all of the important points from a book written by Donald Trump, so you don’t have to read it yourself. Plus he explains how to tip, how to negotiate for everything (including bridge tolls), how to argue with your spouse about money, and how much allowance to give your children (three dollars is plenty). He also presents, for the first time in print anywhere, the Car Dealership Code of Ethics (“Ethic The customer is an idiot”). Also, there are many gratuitous references to Angelina Jolie naked. You can’t afford not to buy this book! Probably you need several copies.


What kind of financial shape are you in right now? This scientific quiz will show you.

Be honest in your If you lie, you’ll only be lying to yourself! The place to lie is on your federal tax return.


What is your annual income?
1. More than $50,000.
2. Less than $50,000.
3. However much I get when I return these empties.

Not counting your mortgage, how much money do you currently owe?
1. Less than $10,000.
2. More than $10,000.
3. Men are threatening to cut off my thumbs.

How would you describe your portfolio?
1. Conservative, mainly bonds and blue-chip equities.
2. Aggressive, mainly options and speculative stocks.
3. My what?

When analyzing an investment, what do you consider to be the most important factor?
1. The amount of return.
2. The degree of risk.
3. The name of the jockey.

How do you plan to finance your retirement?
1. Savings.
2. Social security.
3. Sale of kidneys.

—from the “Why You Need This Book”


Also available as a Crown eBook.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Economics, Finance, Money, Comedy, Audiobook

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2006

About the author

Dave Barry is a humor writer. For 25 years he was a syndicated columnist whose work appeared in more than 500 newspapers in the United States and abroad. In 1988 he won the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary. Many people are still trying to figure out how this happened.
Dave has also written many books, virtually none of which contain useful information. Two of his books were used as the basis for the CBS TV sitcom "Dave's World," in which Harry Anderson played a much taller version of Dave.
Dave plays lead guitar in a literary rock band called the Rock Bottom Remainders, whose other members include Stephen King, Amy Tan, Ridley Pearson and Mitch Albom. They are not musically skilled, but they are extremely loud. Dave has also made many TV appearances, including one on the David Letterman show where he proved that it is possible to set fire to a pair of men's underpants with a Barbie doll.
In his spare time, Dave is a candidate for president of the United States. If elected, his highest priority will be to seek the death penalty for whoever is responsible for making Americans install low-flow toilets.
Dave lives in Miami, Florida, with his wife, Michelle, a sportswriter. He has a son, Rob, and a daughter, Sophie, neither of whom thinks he's funny.

Reviews

[E.A. Briginshaw · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very funny book, but I found it worked best if I read it in small snippets. It's a great book to pick up if you've got 10 or 15 minutes to kill (e.g. waiting in a doctor's office).

[Namera [The Literary Invertebrate] · Rating 3 out of 5]

Can't believe I haven't read this one before! It isn't the funniest Barry, but it's pretty good.

[Blog] - [Bookstagram]

[Kevin Keating · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just really dig Dave Barry's sense of humor. So I found this little gem in the local used book store and read it mostly while cooped up on a plane for Texas. Loved it but I knew I would.

[Bjorn Sorensen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Superb. One of the latest Barry books and just as creative and wide-ranging as ever. Contains, for example, a helpful guide to how much extra you should tip a waiter if you're an obnoxious restaurant patron ("Want everything 'on the side' even though you'll be mixing all your food up anyway? Add 10% to the tip...") Theorizes that "money isn't everything". The lack thereof, however, makes it harder to sustain a true, fulfilling relationship with a special someone. Having loads of money makes it much easier to have "lots of genuine fake love". Overall Barry seems to be a little more hard-hitting here (like when he makes fun of rising college tuition costs and also Donald Trump's book on how to be successful, which Barry describes as nothing more than a celebrity name-dropping exercise). This is a good thing, even though he doesn't have that one serious essay mixed in with all the funny stuff like he usually does. Plus this audio version is read at warp 9 by Dick Hill, so often times he sounds like that quick legal mumbo jumbo at the end of car or prescription commercials ("side effects include vomiting, severe abdominal pain and a fear of being alive..."). On the plus side the whole book makes it onto 5 CDs.

Succinctly, here's how I would rate the Barry books I've read/listened to (from best to least best) including "Money Secrets":

1. Dave Barry Is From Mars AND Venus
2. Dave Barry Turns 40
3. Dave Barry's Money Secrets
4. Dave Barry Turns 50
5. Dave Barry's History of the Millennium
6. Dave Barry Will Never Turn 60 (or 70)

[Leslie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dave Barry, as usual, delivers up his twisted sense of humor, this time concerning personal finance. He spends an entire chapter making fun of Donald Trump. He also pokes fun at Suze Orman, which I thought was hilarious, as she gets on my nerves. I don't know if financial junkies will get a kick out of it, but I think average Janes like me will enjoy the ride.

[Katie O’Reilly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not his best, but I was pleasantly surprised by how funny it was, much funnier than I remembered the first time around.

[Eva · Rating 2 out of 5]

2/5
Dave Barry has made me laugh a lot in the past. In high-school I loved reading his stuff every once-in-a-while, especially when I was due for a pick-me-up. Barry is a funny guy and his writing is clever. I haven't really read his stories in a long while, so I was hoping to be reintroduced to an old friend.

This book is, unfortunately, not his best work. Quite possibly it's the topic that put me off. I laughed a few times but that was it. No laugh-attacks. No tears. Not even the batting of an eyelash. Simply put: I was bored.

I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed because I like to laugh and Dave has come through for me before. I hope it's just that I don't like this book, and not that I don't like his humor anymore. I still have very fond memories of sharing the funniest parts with anyone who would listen.

[Jrobertus · Rating 4 out of 5]

I laughed right out loud on several occasions reading this book. I don't know how he thinks of this stuff, but he is a treasure.

[Chris · Rating 2 out of 5]

One of the hard questions I get from people is, "What kind of books do you like?"

It's a difficult question to answer concisely. If you've followed my reviews for any length of time, you can see that my tastes run the gambit from science to religion, society to science fiction, politics to philosophy. I can't easily answer that question and be honest at the same time.

I figure that what people are really asking is, "What kind of person are you?" Your answer to the book question will give them some kind of information on the kind of mind they're dealing with. So if I say that I've been reading a lot of philosophy lately, people might look at me like an erudite thinker. If I say that my reading list has been fantasy-heavy of late, they'll think I'm some kind of dreamer. If I tell them that I've been reading books on astrophysics, they'll think I'm a science nerd.

Of course, all these things are true. Just not at the same time.

Anyway, what do people think when I tell them that I've been reading Dave Barry? If they know his column at all, much less follow his books, they'll form a very quick opinion of me: that I like simple, straightforward humor, the kind that peaks at booger jokes and good names for rock bands.

And you know what? They'd be right.

Far too often, people worry about reading the "right" books - the ones that the New York Times or Oprah or their high school English professors think they should be reading, without asking themselves, "Do I enjoy reading this kind of book?" Ultimately, reading is about enjoyment and entertainment, with enlightenment and wisdom following along on their coattails. And so I can say that I enjoy Dave Barry without any sense of shame or regret that I am not slogging through an unreadable mass like, say, War and Peace.

That I've written three hundred words in defense of Dave Barry may have led you to believe that I'm going to praise this book to the vaults of heaven, sing its virtues as an ideal work of comic satire.

I'm not.

One of Barry's strengths has always been his ability to find humor in ordinary life. As a columnist, his job was to find common experiences - road trips, weddings, children, stupid dogs - and point out how ridiculous they all are. He showed us that our lives are really unending comedies, if we think about them in the right manner, and some of his best books are collections of - or extensions of - his columns.

It's when he decides to write a themed book that things can get dicey. Sometimes it works, like with Dave Barry Does Japan. Sometimes not so much, like with Dave Barry's Money Secrets.

In this book, Barry goes after money - what it is, why we like it and why none of us seem to have any. There are some good humorous moments in here, like the exasperated section where he explains how the value of money is all in our heads. After all, if you exchanged your house for a pile of acorns, he says, people would think you were nuts (HAR!), but exchange it for a pile of paper (or even better, one piece of paper that represents a pile of paper, which is turn represents the value of your house) and people think you're a shrewd real estate guru.

If you can sell your house at all, that is.

It's a humorous, cynical book that should appeal to humorous, cynical people who are reading from the same perspective from which Barry is writing: a person who knows nothing about money (although after all these years of writing and publishing, I reckon Barry's picked up some good money management skills by now.)

The thing that disappoints is that much of the book, while well-written, isn't all that original. Harping on wasteful governments, shady investment bankers and stockbrokers, the difficulties in buying and selling a house - all these are well-worn tracks. You get some laughs out of them, but they don't really stick in your head when you're finished.

I hate to say "his early stuff was better," because that too is a well-worn track. But perhaps the reason these things come up again and again is because, well, they're true. So here's my take on how Dave Barry's work should be approached: if it's a collection of columns, you're probably in for a good time. If it's a themed book, you're taking your chances.

[Raven · Rating 3 out of 5]

Personal finance books are my secret passion. So, when I saw a parody of one done by Dave Barry, I picked it right up. His books are usually hilarious, easy-to-read, and immensely quotable.

However, this one missed the mark a little. It's not nearly as funny as his other books. His jokes were predictable, and paced in the same manner throughout the book. Every paragraph seems to be two serious comments, followed by a joke. This began to wear on me a little, and I found my self laughing less frequently as the book went on.

There were still some great Dave Barry moments though. This passage about the cost of college tuition is one of my favorites:

"Unfortunately, college costs money, unless your child is really good at football or basketball, in which case goodhearted knowledge-loving strangers will cover all your child's educational needs, including a sport utility vehicle.
But, chances are you'll have to pay for your childs college education. This is a problem if your child wants to go to a top college such as Harvard, where tuition is currently $37,5000 per...
...no, wait, while I was writing that sentence it went up, so now it's $38,928 per...
...no, hold on, it just went up again, and now it's $40,2...
Why are Ivy League schools so expensive? Simple: They hire the smartest professors in the world, and these professors do nothing but sit around thinking up new ways to jack up tuition.
The pioneer in the effort was Princeton University, which in 1932 hired Albert Einstein to work on the tuition problem. At the time, a semestor at Princeton cost $16.75, which included a class beanie and a manservant. After studying the situation, Einstein developed the General Theory of Relativity, which states :"People in general will pay any amount of money to be able to tell their relatives that their child goes to Princeton."
...Dartmouth seems to be proving this with it's Tuition + Organ Program (TOP), which requires that each semester's tuition payment be accompanied by a functional human kidney.
"It's amazing," reports a Dartmouth official. "We figure that, between Mom and Dad, each set of parents would be good for a maximum of four kidneys, but darned if they're not coming up with more! God only knows how."

[John Bruni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great, solid read from Dave Barry. It was written ten years ago, and it is shockingly still relevant. The jokes aren't dated, thanks to Trump running for president. In fact, Barry does a great Trump impression using words and phrases that Trump uses to this day. Good to see that that mutant didn't come out of nowhere. A lot of what Barry writes about here hits a little too close to home. The humor is great, but his observations are spot on. (Except maybe for that thing about hip-hop. That's just an older guy ripping on the younger generation.) If you want to get-rich-quick, this book is definitely not for you, but if you're looking for a lot of laughs (at your expense, mostly) this book is for you.

PS: the chapter about travel is my favorite. I very much relate to Barry's airport pet peeves.

[Terry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Entertaining Economics

I'm a big Dave Barry fan, but as an economics teacher for forty years I had my doubts as to how he could make money topics funny. Well, he far exceeded my expectations. This book illustrates how intelligent you have to be to sound silly and stupid. Barry provides his usual of the wall humor while addressing all the usual topics discussed by "money experts."

[Duane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've always been a big fan of Dave Barry and this book is another delivery of his humor and wit. Talking finances is a very difficult subject to make funny, but Dave does a great job of making you laugh out loud when it comes to how poor we all are! You'll learn nothing about investing your money, but you will chuckle at his real-world humor.

[Dolly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dave Barry is such a goofball, and I mean that in the most sincere, affectionate way possible. I love his humor and his books are funny, quick reads.

[Angela · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny book but sometimes the author is so overly sarcastic it is no longer funny. I appreciated the many jabs he took at Suze Orman and Donald Trump.

[Diane ~Firefly~ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty standard Dave Barry book, which is why I enjoyed it. I like his sense of humor. Fun, quick read.

[Whistler's Mom · Rating 4 out of 5]

The good old days when Trump was funny.

Ah, to go back to the innocent times (2006) when this book was published and Donald Trump was just a goofy, loud-mouth celebrity with very odd hair. Times change. Politicians come and go (usually not fast enough.) Money or the lack of it is always with us.

I loved the hilarious, irreverent columns Dave Barry wrote in the 1980's and 90's and I've enjoyed many of his non-fiction books. Off hand, money and finance seem like odd topics for a humorous book. But look how many funny books, movies, and television shows appear every year about weddings. They're funny because Bridezilla and her manic Mom are irrational, unrealistic, greedy, and have absurd expectations. And what are we ALL irrational, unrealistic, and greedy about? Money. What do we ALL have completely absurd expectations about? Money.

If we can laugh at weddings, we can laugh about money. And we might as well, because crying about it doesn't do any good. Not that we don't cry about it, but still.

Barry knows all about crying. In this book, he talks about his father being a minister and the family not having much money. What he doesn't say is that his father was also an alcoholic. One of his siblings is an alcoholic and one suffers from schizophrenia. His mother committed suicide. He's been quoted as saying that he believes humor is the human defense in the face of confusion and pain. Believing in the vital importance of humor is one of the things that makes him such an effective writer.

The other is that he's a fine wordsmith. To the rest of us, the dot.com boom just collapsed, causing our 401K's and our dreams of wealthy to collapse, too. To this author, the dot.com boom "collapsed like a cheap lawn chair under a sumo wrestler." He's not worried that his readers will take offense at this simile. We all know that some of us have cheap lawn chairs, while others have expensive "all-weather furniture." So what?

He's not worried about offending sumo wrestlers, either. They make a ton of money, are venerated in Japan, and are the only adults in the world who are proud to appear in public wearing nothing but a diaper. Why should they care what Dave Barry says about them?

And I think that's another reason that his stuff is timeless and universal. He's bold and irreverent, but never mean. Even when he talks about Donald Trump's hair or his suspect business advice. (What he says about Donald Trump's presidency may be a different matter.)

So sit back and enjoy while he gives his wacky interpretation of the history of the world's money systems. While he skewers the flood of moronic "get rich quick" books and seminars. (Nobody gets rich but the scammers who profit from them.) While he solemnly discusses the stock market and your chances of latching onto a cheap stock which soars in value, making you wealthy. (Could happen, but watch out for collapsing lawn chairs.) While he demolishes the pompous books that assure us that managing money is easy-peasy. ("Have a rich father" is great advice, but what can you do about it now?)

I kept having to stop reading to laugh. There's not one word in here that will improve your personal finances. You won't finish knowing anything about the World Bank or the Stock Exchange. When asked "How do you keep your figure?", Carol Burnett deadpanned, "No one else wants it." Dave's money "secrets" are little known for a reason. They're useless. But as Groucho Marx said, not everything has to be profound and enlightening. Sometimes we just need to laugh. For that purpose, you can't beat Dave Barry.

This is a five-star book, but unfortunately, many parts of it (graphs and pictures) are blurry and incomprehensible on my old, basic Kindle. I assume this isn't a problem for those with newer equipment. Didn't spoil my enjoyment, but you know your tolerance level.

[Marilyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some giggles, a welcome antidote to serious reads.

Actually his comments on the generation gaps were my favorites:
*Baby Boomers have done a horrible job in parenting - "in an effort to make life perfect for our children, we have ruined them....we've given them everything" and then "Instead of going the traditional young-graduate route of getting a crappy job and living in a crappy apartment" - they boomerang. In his chart comparing the accomplishments of the "Greatest Generation" vs The Baby Boomers - the Boomers get points because (we) did not move back in with our parents.

And Boomers shouldn't count on their kids making up the funding shortfall in the Social Security System. "This is a generation that doesn't even know which part of a baseball cap is supposed to go in front."

[RMac · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read a bunch of Dave Barry as a kid, but as an adult not all of them hold up. The shining exceptions, however, are "Money Secrets" and "Slept Here." They remain two of the great works of American literature.

Money Secrets has only gotten better with time. The principles it conveys hold up so well now that I work in an office job.

Who knew the devastating impact that giant, wooden tables would have on corporate 'merica?

[Nina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Must be nice to be able to make money off books when you can write about a topic by just making things up! No research required! Which is what makes Barry's books so funny. This was written in 2006, long before Trump got elected, so the chapter on Trump is particularly hilarious. There were several laugh-out-loud moments. This is a very quick read and a nice antidote to the daily news.

[Barbara Nutting · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another laugh out loud spoof by Dave Barry (2006)! There is a whole chapter on Trump but this is the line I liked best - Money, why are people so willing to work, lie, cheat etc even marry Donald Trump for it???

[Patty · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Dave Barry and have since I was a teenager. I know his shtick and never tire of it, but it's rare that I laugh hysterically and loudly for an extended period of time at this point. The Stockbroker's Chart had TEARS coming out of my eyes. Yes yes yes yes.

[Tony Laplume · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ten years after this book was published, Trump was elected president. Thank goodness Dave Barry didn’t spend any time mocking him in it!

Also, two years later, the economy tanked. Does this have anything to do with the books Dave mocked in it? Of course not!

Also: Moose. Indian.

[Mauri Baumann · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't laugh out loud reading many books....but his are wonderful. I've read three now and really enjoy his sense of humor. His pictures of Suze Orman, Donald Trump and Prince Charles throughout were great.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very, very funny. One of his best. Again, a purpose-written book, not a collection of columns. And my copy is autographed and personalized to me! Perhaps I went to hear his speak at a book-store event. Don't remember, I'm afraid.

[Anna]

Another winner

I don't believe Dave Barry can write a bad book. As with his other books, this one is hilarious. I found myself laughing out loud at times. I recommend it to anyone who wants a fun read; however, it is not recommended to anyone who actually wants financial advice.

[Riley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I laughed out loud a lot and remembered how hilarious Dave Barry is. There was a surprising amount of Donald Trump in this book, but I was nice to bask in 2006-era views of him for the duration of the book, when everyone knew a run for president was a huge joke and would never happen.

[Rohit Gattani · Rating 3 out of 5]

More of 3.5.

[Paul Szydlowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Because if you're gonna read Ben Graham's Intelligent Investor, you should also learn about not so intelligent ones, too.

[Mike · Rating 3 out of 5]

Typical Dave Barry. Silly, funny, dumb. An enjoyable read.