(from my book blog)
Uuuuugughghghghhghg I was SO disappointed by this book. Reviewing Sharp Objects a few days ago put me in the mood for a good, creepy book, and I thought this was going to be exactly what I needed. Just look at the plot description!
"Family secrets and fairy lore create a shifting reality in McMahon’s unsettling novel about the disappearance of a 12-year-old girl who longed to become Queen of the Fairies. Fifteen years after Lisa goes missing, her younger brother, Sam, gets a strange phone call that leads him and his girlfriend, Phoebe, to discover a book, supposedly written by the King of the Fairies, that Lisa used as her bible to cross over, and which prompts Sam and Phoebe to meet up with Sam’s cousin, Evie, to see if they can figure out what happened to Lisa. Nothing is as it seems from that moment on, and Phoebe’s longtime fear of a dark man in the shadows seeps back after she discovers, in true woo-woo fashion, that she is pregnant. McMahon alternates between the past and present with loads of portent and foreshadowing, creating a rural Vermont chiller with a Rosemary’s Baby vibe."
SOUNDS COOL, RIGHT? I downloaded a sample and loved it. I even highlighted the following passage, because I thought it was an indicator of things to come. Backstory: the protagonist, Phoebe, is talking about a nightmare from childhood, which is the reason she piles suitcases and boxes under her bed.
"When she was a little girl, she saw the trapdoor under her bed that only appeared in the darkest hours of the night. Heard the scrabbling, the squeaking of hinges as it was opened. And she saw what came out.
"And she knows (doesn’t she) that sometimes he’s still there, not just under the bed but in the shadows at the bus stop, lurking with the alley cats behind the Dumpster at her apartment building. He’s everywhere and nowhere. A blur caught out of the corner of her eye. A mocking smile she tells herself she’s imagined."
SpOOooOOOooOOOky! I was so excited. I thought I had a real treat in store for me. BUT NO. We better have a cut, y’all, because it going to get UGLY up in here. Also, WARNING: I’m going to spoil the shit out of it, so you don’t have to read this book.
Hold onto your butts.
So the premise is that Phoebe is dating Sam, who is the brother of the girl who disappeared (Lisa), supposedly taken by fairies. We follow her through the present-day story, and boy, do I wish we had someone else.
Phoebe suffers from TSTL (Too Stupid To Live) Syndrome. It’s a terrible affliction that is mostly found among old-school romance novel heroines, but Phoebe’s got it and she’s got it bad. If she was in a slasher movie, she would be the one who runs up the stairs instead of out the door to get away from the killer. If she was a news reporter, she’d be Brick Tamland. The author is dropping clues left and right, and Phoebe lets them bounce off her nose and keeps flailing around.
For example, she hears that fairies are repelled by cold iron. A few pages later, she remembers that her mother was found drowned in a bathtub, with a cast iron skillet. She wonders if it could be connected. Clearly, she hasn’t heard of the grease-fighting power of bath soap, which is why everybody does their dishes in the ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME OF COURSE IT’S CONNECTED.
Later, she finds a bunch of research on fairies that Sam has done on the internet (and printed out and stuffed in a backpack in a closet, because he, too, is a moron and has never heard of the “Delete History” button). She finds out even later that Sam, who has been a total asshole about her pregnancy and has said that he doesn’t want children, promised his firstborn child to Teilo, the King of Fairies. And then it is STILL several chapters before she turns to Sam and says “Wait, you actually BELIEVE this, don’t you!” Like this is some big revelation. BRB, hurling the book across the room.
And the writing! It is shit. McMahon belongs to the “tell, don’t show” school of suspense writing, and because she assumes that we’re all as stupid as Phoebe, she has to recap every little event. For example, she is shown a six-fingered glove by a child in pink. Much later in the book, somebody says that the King of Fairies has six fingers, and McMahon feels that it is necessary to remind us that Phoebe has seen a six-fingered glove that could possibly belong to the King of Fairies.
I knew I was in trouble pretty close to the beginning. Lisa (the girl who later disappears) is sitting at the kitchen table and asks a question about why her dad is sullen and silent after a hospital visit. Her mother says “Give him time, Lisa. He’s only been out of the hospital a couple of days. The doctors say the overdose didn’t do any permanent damage.”
I read that, and I was like, “Fuuuuuuuck.” There is a lot wrong with that, but the biggest one is that Lisa’s mother is saying that her father overdosed on something for the reader’s benefit, not Lisa’s. Don’t TELL us that he overdosed. Make us wait! Make us wonder! Give it to us in a few little drops and details, don’t just splash the whole bucket of it in our faces at once.
My favorite suspense/horror novels are sort of a slow burn - you get a little here, a little there, and then by the end everything’s added up and it’s so intense and you can’t stand it but you can’t put it down. I’m thinking of the aforementioned Sharp Objects, but also stuff like The Haunting of Hill House or The Shining. This book is not like that. There’s a lot of little events that happen one right after the other and the effect is less of a slow burn than of a chain of weak firecrackers.
HEAVY SPOILERS AHEAD!!
The ending is a clusterfuck. There was twist upon twist upon twist to the point where I felt like McMahon was pulling some M. Night Shyamalan shit and popping out after every chapter with a big grin, saying “What a twist!” There’s babies and changelings and the six-fingered dude is actually Lisa and Sam’s cousin named Gene, who’s been kept in a basement his whole life and fed fish heads. He kidnapped Lisa and impregnanted her and for some reason, because they’re insane, Lisa’s mother and aunt didn’t stop it. Gene apparently is the son of Teilo, the King of Fairies, who is also the dark spectre who’s been haunting Phoebe. He steals Phoebe’s baby at the end and everybody thinks she’s going crazy. Womp womp.
Don’t read this book. I just finished it so I could find out what the fuck was going on and in the end I felt like I’d lost my virginity at prom: confused, bored, and totally unsatisfied.
Programming note: Sorry about the current lack of romance on the Romance Club, but everybody needs a change of scenery once in a while. My next book review will be urban fantasy (also dealing with fairies), and then hopefully we’ll get right back to your regularly-scheduled sexy books.