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Why I'm Still Married: Women Write Their Hearts Out on Love, Loss, Sex, and Who Does the Dishes
Essays by twenty-four best-selling and award-winning women writers explore the challenges, joys, and humor of the institution of marriage, in a volume that includes contributions by such names as Julia Alvarez, Susan Cheever, and Erica Jong. 30,000 first printing.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2006
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
March 5, 2008
Sometimes books have a way of finding you just when you need them most. I randomly pulled this one off the library shelf one night. As it turns out, it was exactly what I needed to read. Karen Propp and Jean Trounstine brought together talented female writers to discuss the trials and joys that come along with having a life long committed relationship. At a time when, after a year and 6 months of marriage, it finally feels like my husband and I are entering the "honeymoon" period, no other words of advice could have meant more to me than the words of many women from all different generations and walks of life who have all chosen to stay married.
The most important things I learned:
From: "The Marriage of Lost Fathers" by Susan Dworkin
"How can you leave the man who has brought your father back to life, who inhabits his philosophy as no library ever could? How can you stay separate from a man who is your anchor in th evoid, who's committment is proof that you exist, who wants to be a great fatehr, who wants you to love him forever because he is a great father, how can you not go back to such a man?"
From: "Koan" By Karen Aguero
Perhaps in that moment with our therapist when I began to see the connection between his fear that I would leave him and his anger, I also began understanding that it was okay that he had changed my life.
"Marriage had meant the end of a self, that falsely separate self I'd constructed to protect myself from scrutiny."
From: "The Finish Line" by Jean Trounstine
Marriage is like that. Reminding the other person occasionally not to turn into a complete idiot."
"No doubt marriage wounds us. And no doubt the bonds that link us are not as pure as we'd like to believe, or without endless annoyance. But marriage has the potential to make us better people. It challenges us beyond what we can imagine, demanding us to hold on, to bear up, to learn."
From: "A Twenty First Century Ritual" by Erica Jong
"If you want to stay married, you don't hold a grudge. You realize that whatever you gave up in order to join your life with this other person's was more than compensated by the things you got. But that doesn't mean you lose the right to complain."
From: "Murmurs" By Audrey Schulman
"What's more important to me is what comes after those few months of jangly nerves and starry eyes. Does the guy do the dishes? Does he respect my work, is he considerate? That is what supports not only my feeling of being in love, but my much more steady feeling of love."
From "Being Mrs. Packer" by ZZ Packer
"Whenever I see white wives on TV, they always seem demure, saddened by fights. And I can never imagine my white women friends flying into the utter ragers that consume me when I'm in the midst of fighting with my husband."
From "I'd have to be Even Craizier than I Am" by Meredith Maran
"Why am I still married? Because, as it turns out, just like the worst intention, the best intentionhas the power to make itself come true."
Authors I met in this book who I definitely want to read again:
Kathleeen Aguero
Susan Cheever
Ann Bernays
Maria Hinojosa
Julia Alvares (My favorite essay in the book!)
ZZ packer
The most important things I learned:
From: "The Marriage of Lost Fathers" by Susan Dworkin
"How can you leave the man who has brought your father back to life, who inhabits his philosophy as no library ever could? How can you stay separate from a man who is your anchor in th evoid, who's committment is proof that you exist, who wants to be a great fatehr, who wants you to love him forever because he is a great father, how can you not go back to such a man?"
From: "Koan" By Karen Aguero
Perhaps in that moment with our therapist when I began to see the connection between his fear that I would leave him and his anger, I also began understanding that it was okay that he had changed my life.
"Marriage had meant the end of a self, that falsely separate self I'd constructed to protect myself from scrutiny."
From: "The Finish Line" by Jean Trounstine
Marriage is like that. Reminding the other person occasionally not to turn into a complete idiot."
"No doubt marriage wounds us. And no doubt the bonds that link us are not as pure as we'd like to believe, or without endless annoyance. But marriage has the potential to make us better people. It challenges us beyond what we can imagine, demanding us to hold on, to bear up, to learn."
From: "A Twenty First Century Ritual" by Erica Jong
"If you want to stay married, you don't hold a grudge. You realize that whatever you gave up in order to join your life with this other person's was more than compensated by the things you got. But that doesn't mean you lose the right to complain."
From: "Murmurs" By Audrey Schulman
"What's more important to me is what comes after those few months of jangly nerves and starry eyes. Does the guy do the dishes? Does he respect my work, is he considerate? That is what supports not only my feeling of being in love, but my much more steady feeling of love."
From "Being Mrs. Packer" by ZZ Packer
"Whenever I see white wives on TV, they always seem demure, saddened by fights. And I can never imagine my white women friends flying into the utter ragers that consume me when I'm in the midst of fighting with my husband."
From "I'd have to be Even Craizier than I Am" by Meredith Maran
"Why am I still married? Because, as it turns out, just like the worst intention, the best intentionhas the power to make itself come true."
Authors I met in this book who I definitely want to read again:
Kathleeen Aguero
Susan Cheever
Ann Bernays
Maria Hinojosa
Julia Alvares (My favorite essay in the book!)
ZZ packer
March 29, 2008
I have committment problems. But I continue to date and my friends continue to get married. I thought this book might turn me off to marriage (a silly assumption since the title would indicate otherwise), but instead, it finally nailed home a piece of wisdom I've spent the last year learning (slowly): that marriage isn't happily ever after; conflict, problems, occasional misery are normal.
I find that the diversity of couples that are written about in the book makes this point even more clear. Hetero, lesbian (all the authors are women writers), and open relationships are all covered in these essays. Straight, queer, or non-monogamous -- it doesn't matter -- most couples goes through the same sorts of issues in their own ways.
I also found the structure of the book with longer marriages in the front (20 years or more), shorter marriages (5 years or less) in the back was a good way to read them too -- at least for someone who's trying to figure out what the point of marriage is and whether it's worth it or not. You see how the long marrieds do it then see that the not-so-long marrieds don't do it that much differently.
If you doubt like I do, and if you think your alone time is worth more than a life long partnership (which is what I thought before I read this and realized there are a lot of women who need a lot of alone time and they managed to enjoy their marriages anyway), then you might want to check this out.
I find that the diversity of couples that are written about in the book makes this point even more clear. Hetero, lesbian (all the authors are women writers), and open relationships are all covered in these essays. Straight, queer, or non-monogamous -- it doesn't matter -- most couples goes through the same sorts of issues in their own ways.
I also found the structure of the book with longer marriages in the front (20 years or more), shorter marriages (5 years or less) in the back was a good way to read them too -- at least for someone who's trying to figure out what the point of marriage is and whether it's worth it or not. You see how the long marrieds do it then see that the not-so-long marrieds don't do it that much differently.
If you doubt like I do, and if you think your alone time is worth more than a life long partnership (which is what I thought before I read this and realized there are a lot of women who need a lot of alone time and they managed to enjoy their marriages anyway), then you might want to check this out.
November 20, 2010
I am hesitant to post that I've read this because apparently there is a rumor that the reason I'm in Peru is because of a rocky marriage. Whatever. Of course, I also hear that I'm looking for a child to bring home too... guess I'd better get on that quickly considering the time is half over. :)
I would not recommend this book to anyone that is uncomfortable reading about relationships that do not fit within their personal values as it is very liberal in defining marriage. I did find several nuggets of inspiration within these pages that inspire one to consistently work toward a healthy long-term marriage. It is a realistic look at marriage with its conflicts and personal sacrifice and real rewards as opposed to the romantic fallacy we are often presented with. I can't say that I loved it and I probably won't keep it in my home, but I am far from sorry that I read it.
Too many favorite quotes to actually include here, but this is a smiles slice:
pg 18 "The love that matters in marriage is not the jolt you felt when your eyes met in the early days, that obsessive gnawing desire. It is akin to friendship but deeper and more rooted in identity."
pg 103 "No doubt marriage wounds us. And no doubt the bonds that link us are not as pure as we would like to believe or without annoyances. But marriage has the potential to make us better people. It challenges us beyond what we can imagine, demanding us to hold on, to bear up, to learn. While fantasy is a warm wind in the night, with marriage, I climb to higher ground during a storm."
pg 104 the parable of the sock is too long to type out here... LOVED it!
pg 165 "Ten years in, you realize that marriage is a breathing organism that grows with you. Regardless of what you thought you were raising, you now have a preteen on your hands, a restless, rambunctious, ten-year-old marriage that thinks it knows everything, but that still has a lot of surprises left. We're watching this kid grow, and it's got a zillion things up its sleeve, delights and disappointments, and every so often, we feel like slapping it around and taking it to Disneyland."
pg 178 "Love is not two people looking at each other, but looking in the same direction."
just a small dose, mind you... lots to ponder whether you've been married 6 months or 50 years.
I would not recommend this book to anyone that is uncomfortable reading about relationships that do not fit within their personal values as it is very liberal in defining marriage. I did find several nuggets of inspiration within these pages that inspire one to consistently work toward a healthy long-term marriage. It is a realistic look at marriage with its conflicts and personal sacrifice and real rewards as opposed to the romantic fallacy we are often presented with. I can't say that I loved it and I probably won't keep it in my home, but I am far from sorry that I read it.
Too many favorite quotes to actually include here, but this is a smiles slice:
pg 18 "The love that matters in marriage is not the jolt you felt when your eyes met in the early days, that obsessive gnawing desire. It is akin to friendship but deeper and more rooted in identity."
pg 103 "No doubt marriage wounds us. And no doubt the bonds that link us are not as pure as we would like to believe or without annoyances. But marriage has the potential to make us better people. It challenges us beyond what we can imagine, demanding us to hold on, to bear up, to learn. While fantasy is a warm wind in the night, with marriage, I climb to higher ground during a storm."
pg 104 the parable of the sock is too long to type out here... LOVED it!
pg 165 "Ten years in, you realize that marriage is a breathing organism that grows with you. Regardless of what you thought you were raising, you now have a preteen on your hands, a restless, rambunctious, ten-year-old marriage that thinks it knows everything, but that still has a lot of surprises left. We're watching this kid grow, and it's got a zillion things up its sleeve, delights and disappointments, and every so often, we feel like slapping it around and taking it to Disneyland."
pg 178 "Love is not two people looking at each other, but looking in the same direction."
just a small dose, mind you... lots to ponder whether you've been married 6 months or 50 years.
May 3, 2009
This book is a collection of essays, by women writers, in various stages of life, who dish about married life. It is uneven, b/c some writers appeal to me more than others. Also, the best essays are the ones about heartbreak, unappealing behaviors in husbands, etc. As always, writing about the perfect life and the perfect husband is just BORING.
March 26, 2019
This was a reread for me; the first read was when I was newly engaged, considering all the nuances of what it meant to become a married woman. These funny, touching, and well-written essays informed my decision then, and they confirm my experience now that I've been married for nearly nine years. This is an engaging collection of varied marital experiences, all quite fun to read.
October 29, 2018
This book read just the way I envision marriage to feel. I began eagerly, sinking into the stories of women with decades of experience in matrimony. This was the honeymoon stage.
READ THE REST OF THIS REVIEW ON MY BLOG: https://elisadawnivey.wordpress.com/2...
READ THE REST OF THIS REVIEW ON MY BLOG: https://elisadawnivey.wordpress.com/2...
February 23, 2015
I think what I liked best about this book was that it showed that there are so many different ways to be married. Marriage is an institution that looks different for everyone, and the voyeur in me likes to peek inside other people's, inevitably comparing them to my own (mostly along the lines of: "I would never put up with THAT," but of course "that" is very different when it's attached to someone you love vs. something you are reading about in a book and totally detached from.)
The book is arranged in reverse order according to length of marriage, so it starts with essays by women who have been married the longest. I found myself enjoying the book more near the end, when the writers were at similar stages in their marriages to where I am -- I related to these stories more. At the same time, I felt that these essays didn't have the "credibility" of the longer-married writers -- I know for a fact that at least one of those marriages is broken up now, and I was tempted to search the other names to see if their marriages lasted. That started to feel stalkerish to me, though, so I decided my time and energy could be spent better in other ways.
Because the fact that some of these marriages might in fact end was not the point of the collection -- the point was for women to reflect upon why they were still married *at that moment.* Each essay consisted of a time capsule for a particular marriage, but not the marriage's fate etched in stone.
I was glad that the book also included essays by women married to same-sex partners. I was a little surprised by how many of the women were on not second marriages, but thirds. I wanted to believe, as they did, that they were on their "final" marriages.
I found that I related to a lot of the women's thoughts or misconceptions about marriage, namely how "surprised" many of them were by the fact that they found themselves married at all, or that they fell for someone different than what they expected. I wonder if this is because all the women were also writers, which kept this from really being a representative sample of women's experiences of marriage in general. Writers tend to be introverted, tend to have somewhat flexible work lives, tend to have some economic instability, so along with them all sharing the same profession, they shared quite a few character traits as well. It made me wonder whether the book would be less accessible to women who were also wives but not also writers.
Some of the essays blurred together for me, while others seemed to end so abruptly that I was irritated by the editors for not pushing the writer for a little bit better closure, especially when it existed -- I'm thinking in particular of a story about a woman who had a health crisis, which made her think of her baby's health crisis right after he was born. At the time she wrote her essay, the baby was four, so I knew he lived -- but we never learned what his diagnosis was, nor hers. Definitely the most frustrating book in the collection.
Like almost every other anthology, this one is a mixed bag -- worth a read, but not a re-read.
The book is arranged in reverse order according to length of marriage, so it starts with essays by women who have been married the longest. I found myself enjoying the book more near the end, when the writers were at similar stages in their marriages to where I am -- I related to these stories more. At the same time, I felt that these essays didn't have the "credibility" of the longer-married writers -- I know for a fact that at least one of those marriages is broken up now, and I was tempted to search the other names to see if their marriages lasted. That started to feel stalkerish to me, though, so I decided my time and energy could be spent better in other ways.
Because the fact that some of these marriages might in fact end was not the point of the collection -- the point was for women to reflect upon why they were still married *at that moment.* Each essay consisted of a time capsule for a particular marriage, but not the marriage's fate etched in stone.
I was glad that the book also included essays by women married to same-sex partners. I was a little surprised by how many of the women were on not second marriages, but thirds. I wanted to believe, as they did, that they were on their "final" marriages.
I found that I related to a lot of the women's thoughts or misconceptions about marriage, namely how "surprised" many of them were by the fact that they found themselves married at all, or that they fell for someone different than what they expected. I wonder if this is because all the women were also writers, which kept this from really being a representative sample of women's experiences of marriage in general. Writers tend to be introverted, tend to have somewhat flexible work lives, tend to have some economic instability, so along with them all sharing the same profession, they shared quite a few character traits as well. It made me wonder whether the book would be less accessible to women who were also wives but not also writers.
Some of the essays blurred together for me, while others seemed to end so abruptly that I was irritated by the editors for not pushing the writer for a little bit better closure, especially when it existed -- I'm thinking in particular of a story about a woman who had a health crisis, which made her think of her baby's health crisis right after he was born. At the time she wrote her essay, the baby was four, so I knew he lived -- but we never learned what his diagnosis was, nor hers. Definitely the most frustrating book in the collection.
Like almost every other anthology, this one is a mixed bag -- worth a read, but not a re-read.
February 25, 2012
I was hoping this book would give me a better sense of what keeps a marriage going and of why people keep trying their hand at this thing even after so many others have failed (and failed spectacularly). I suppose it answered those questions but each response was so personal and specific that it seems it really is something you just have to try to figure out and make work as a couple. I foolishly hoped there was some sort of over-arching wisdom these women could espouse but there really isn't anything except that they and their spouses have worked really hard and tried their best to be there for each other. It was a nice read though.
May 16, 2013
I read this because I had heard good things about one of the essays in particular (by Julia Alvarez, if you are curious). Like most compilations of essays, this book has some good bits and some that are just plain hard to get through. However, there were enough redeeming moments that I made my way through it, and do not regret doing so.
I wouldn't go out of my way to recommend this book to just anyone, but if something about it interests you, it's worth a gander.
I wouldn't go out of my way to recommend this book to just anyone, but if something about it interests you, it's worth a gander.
January 3, 2008
This book featured a variety of essays by women writers on marriage. I found most of the stories interesting to fair. The common thread with all of their stories was that as no two people are alike, no two lives joined together in holy matrimony are alike either. Every marriage is different. And if the alchemy of the two personalities joined together in the marriage works, celebrate.
May 4, 2013
An interesting collection organized in sections by the number of years married, from 1 through 5, 5 through 10, 10 through 20, and 20 and above.
A rich diversity of voices from women who have loved, lost, and learned to endure.
I was particularly impressed with the less than perfect marriages that showed no signs of why they should still be around but have endured nonetheless.
A rich diversity of voices from women who have loved, lost, and learned to endure.
I was particularly impressed with the less than perfect marriages that showed no signs of why they should still be around but have endured nonetheless.
October 21, 2007
Reflections on marriage by some very fine female writers. Organized chronologically, these essays are thoughtful, considered, provocative. It was a book that was difficult to put down. I think that even men might enjoy it.
December 2, 2009
Okay, this looks like a self-help book, and my mother gave it to me (not that that is a strike against it--she has wonderful taste in books), and the cover is horrendous, BUT--it's actually really great. Honest, funny, brutal and full of love.
July 11, 2010
Essasys from famous women writers about the trials and triumphs of their marriages. The essays are arranged by the number of years the women have been married. Some were very good (especially the essay by Julia Alvarez) and some were not so great.
September 8, 2008
Interesting short stories. I wish that it would have been organized in the reverse order but it was worth reading.
July 21, 2013
A must-read for wives, and a great read for husbands. This made me feel so much better about my marriage.
May 4, 2012
I guess I haven't been married long enough to appreciate most of the essays in this book.
January 5, 2013
24 intimate looks at how vastly different marriages can be. Broke open my world!
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews