Color and word juxtaposition like none other.
That moment, as she went about the house opening the windows, taking off her shoes, unbuttoning her blouse, looking calm and more friendly, I wanted to weep. I did not know how I was going to tell her, 'Baby, most things about this earth want you to run, want to make you weary, want you to faint.'
So I sat back on the chair. I said, 'Honey, why don't you play Nina Simone?'
'Streets full of people all alone,' Nina was saying. [from,/i>Everyone's Gone To The Moon]
I have always tried to talk to my Baby with music. So, I thought, Ausi Miriam has her way about this. I pushed the button to reject. Flipped the record and put on 'Woza.'
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Alexandra is one of the oldest townships in South Africa. It is closely related to Johannesburg. From the centre of the Golden City to the centre of the Dark City is a mere nine miles. Where one starts the other ends, and where one ends, the other begins.
Alexandra is a creation of schizophrenics like Jan Smuts [Jan Christiaan Smuts was a prominent South African and British Commonwealth statesman, military leader and philosopher]; it is a makeshift place of abode, a township - that is, black people live here. Live here only if the whims of the Verwoerds are still stable to that end.
Memory can be an unreliable mirror. It shirts and shifts, now and then emphasizing the dramatic, now and then leaving out detail, now and then flushing out detail at surprising moments.
It was a winter night, chasing everyone home, with its cold whistle.
I felt as if I was going to choke, any minute.
Everything became so heavy. Silence. Talk.
Coming back from Lesotho, I felt grateful for what Alexandra's streets had taught me. Having had a chance to look at them from a distance, I had discovered that they had taught me a kind of animal agility, a kind of tiger alertness, cynicism, distrust, and a readiness to defend my life at all costs. Yet my awareness of the rules of the streets made me, to my surprise, an observer rather than a participant. In Lesotho, with its emphasis on communities, gentleness, there was a circular movement: where the beginning is humility and the search is a desire to be humble, in the process of making a life. It taught me the value of human life. Perhaps it was that realisation that showed me something else: that when man allows his heart to rot, we are capable of beginning to feed on the worms that rise, weave, create all sorts of patterns as they emerge from the rot. We can lick, and begin to enjoy their taste. I did - as a reporter.
My grandmother would say, "You choose how you do it, we are going, we are on our way. We tried to show you everything, we loved you, took your hand and walked with you. One day you will have to remember that you are alone, among other people, and that you have a journey to make."
We moved, and we were back in the streets, Alexandra, fucked up, filled with its Sunday afternoon people, who seemed to be walking aimlessly, looking at the passing cars as if we were caged monkeys.
Now I could not bear to relate what had happened to anyone. It was my secret. Suddenly a strange, heavy sadness set into my heart, or wherever it is that these things happen. It was as if the car would go out of control.
I feared for Mary, the day she found what the street had for her. The streets in which her mother would not be, with her biting tongue, to tell her that she would be climbed, make to take journeys into the centre of the sea, and be left there, to be mocked while she was fighting the current.
I began to understand why my father never wanted me to talk to him about the streets, or the city, or the police stations. I began to understand why he had forbidden that in his house. I wished he could die, and rest.
The streets, perhaps because the scars were so visible, still demanded a photo from me, or cued me for my part after someone had been murdered. I responded, but this time without a pen and note book, and without the camera. I witnessed. I left the white paper blank. I refused to return the stare of the typewriter keyboard. The terrible township images, which forever kept staring at me in the dark of the darkroom, because just that, a dark room, blank.
I had been naked. In the brightest of days, in the most open space, I had - first, unwilling, then willing because of what was pushing me - dared to be naked. I flushed it out, raw nakedness, as clean and bright as the sun and as pure as filth. It seems there is always something terrible which happens when suddenly people discover the value of something they had, because they had taken it for granted.
Wherever I had been, before, I had seen something similar to what I was becoming. I did not believe it, there was no way that I could, until one day I saw it in my father's face. He became silent. I heard the silence in me. When sat in a shebeen, or kept talking to Lily, I heard the silence. It was tangible, it had colour, it had smell, it was familiar; there was no way I could not recognise it, it had been with me while I was still learning how to hold my cock and pee. It was here now with me. I took it with me, home, and it kept us company with a bottle of whiskey which Lily brought for us. And then I began to become aware that between the melody, harmony and rhythm of the music that now and then filled my house, from Hugh, Dollar, Nina, Letta, Miriam, Kippie, Cyril Magubane, Coltrane, Miles... between their melody, harmony ad rhythm, when the pants are down, the silence is there. This is not an easy find. It is heavy. I could no longer listen to the music that had taught me so much!
Education is a socialising agency; in South Africa, black children are subjected to an education which is instrumental in imparting the dominant ideology of apartheid or separate development, a system which the black peole in general abhor.
There is abundant evidence that no black child is encouraged, in any way, to attend school. In face, the contrary is true.
There is an alternative to present educational system for blacks. The alternative system would be based on the dynamic relation between consciousness and reality, and would respect the principle that knowledge must be supplemented by action. I do not underestimate the work that has to be done to re-establish an educational system which will teach the black child that he is a citizen of South Africa, and that he bears responsibility for this country.
So now and then one slept with a sore heart; one feeling ignored, another feeling invaded.
DARING TERROR ATTACK ON DURBAN OIL PLANT.
The planes arrived in Mozambique. Thunder. Fire. Smoke. Silence.
The Prime Minister declared a news blackout.
All I know is that besides being a loss of safety, change is also a promise. These planes cannot bomb us forever. Nor are we going to queue for bread for the rest of our lives. I am sure about that. I saw the women and the children come with their bundles. I saw their eyes. I saw their faces. I know that this cannot go on forever. The first leg of the journey is now well and truly in progress. There is no safety anywhere - not for anyone. The pilots who fly the planes - like these mothers and their children and their bundles - stare and stare and stare, in the way that only a human can, in the only way that a human fears. At a certain point, the stares of fear and of hunger look alike. It does not matter whether one flies a plane or stands in a queue. Now and then we look at the mighty planes with their mad speed, hovering and swooping above us. But we also know that, while we fear them, they also are in great fear to fall. We know - as they roar above our heads - that since we are human and they are not, we can wait and they cannot. They cannot fly and wait. In the same way that we cannot wait and starve for a long time. We can fall, and they will fall. We see their huge shining bodies whizz past and roar afterwards, and before we know where they are they come back. But that is because they do not see us, or know us, or want to know us. The strongest will win this game. It is costly. But the strongest will win it.
Who is the strongest?
'Push, push, push.'
New York - Gaborone - Kanye 1975-1980
[Gaborone is located in Botswana]