Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship

by Shari Y. Manning, Marsha M. Linehan

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be intensely caring, warm, smart, and funny―but their behavior often drives away those closest to them. If you're struggling in a tumultuous relationship with someone with BPD, this is the book for you. Dr. Shari Manning helps you understand why your spouse, family member, or friend has such out-of-control emotions―and how to change the way you can respond. Learn to use simple yet powerful strategies that can defuse crises, establish better boundaries, and radically transform your relationship. Empathic, hopeful, and science based, this is the first book for family and friends grounded in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), the most effective treatment for BPD.
 

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Audiobook, Relationships, Health

253 pages, Hardcover

First published June 28, 2011

About the author

Shari Manning, Ph.D., is the founder of the South Carolina Center for Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a comprehensive clinic that offered standard outpatient and intensive DBT treatment for adults and adolescents. She is the former President/CEO of Behavioral Tech, LLC and Behavioral Tech Research, Inc.

Manning has supervised therapists at the Behavioral Research and Therapy Clinics at the University of Washington and the University of South Carolina as well as supervising therapists and programs at the SC Department of Mental Health and South Carolina Department of Corrections. She also consults for state and private mental health programs at all levels of client care, including forensic and criminal justice settings.

Her research includes investigations of the efficacy of DBT with incarcerated women with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and with adult women with co-morbid BPD and eating disorders. Dr. Manning has written several published chapters and articles on DBT and its implementation.

- excerpted from BPD Family

For an interview with Manning "How to Help a Loved One with BPD", go here: http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-he...

Reviews

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very good book, doesn't really address physical attacks or rage/anger responses all that much, so it didn't really fit my situation. And she is, of course, very hopeful that the person with BPD will accept help - and that you can still have safe communications with the person with BPD, which I can't.

Still....very interesting and I learned stuff about understanding and dealing with people with super-high emotions.

Here's what I want to remember:

Validation may be the only thing that can de-escalate someone with BPD who is ramping up.

BPD is a complex mix of super-high emotions that start in early childhood + pervasive invalidation of these emotions + the inability/inhibited ability to learn problem-solving skills and interpersonal skills because emotions are too high/dysregulated which make learning very difficult. There is also a lot of fear that can convert to anger (trying to deal with overwhelming/out-of-control feelings inside), and paranoia.

The only thing we can do is change our responses.

What not to do:
- say "calm down"
- try to solve problems unless your help is wanted and you have the full picture
- say that you understand, when you don't
- validate the invalid (saying or agreeing with something that is false)
- say "we"
- ask them to be different from what they are

For effective validation: stay awake (pay attention, be mindful); accurate reflection; state the unarticulated (mind-reading); validate their personal history, biology, and emotions; normalizing; and radical genuiness (be sincere).

5 Steps to Regulating Emotions: regulate your own emotion (pause, breathe, notice your body posture, half-smile, validate and cheerlead yourself); validate (soothe); ask/assess; brainstorm/troubleshoot (if they want it); and get information on your role and what you can expect on hearing about the outcome (follow-up).

Encourage slow change.

Apparent competence masks lack of confidence, shame, poor problem-solving skills. Don't assume competence, balance intervening with coaching.

People with BPD are usually in entrenched/unrelenting crisis. They find (temporary) relief in distractions - which can often be quite negative (drugs, alcohol, and other self-harming behaviours).

[Erika Nerdypants · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would give this book more stars if I could. So much other literature on this complex personality disorder leaves the reader with a sense of hopelessness and despair. But not this book. The author writes with extreme compassion for both the persons suffering from BPD, and those who love and care for them, holding out hope all along the way. For that alone I want to give her 5 stars. The advice is very useful, and not just to individuals who have BPD in their lives, but anyone who is interested in improving their interpersonal relationships. Who among us doesn't want to be validated? And I know I can benefit from stepping back and taking the time to regulate my own emotions during a heated discussion. This book gives you practical ways to do just that, plus a whole lot more.

[Matthew Richards · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'll start with the positives. I got this book because other reviewers said it humanizes people with BPD, which it does. It has a very hopeful outlook, which I appreciated. I did learn at least one useful thing. She suggests that when someone with BPD is in a state of self-loathing and saying excessively negative things about themselves, instead of contradicting them and saying they're not terrible and listing wonderful things about them, you should first validate that you understand why they would feel awful about themselves and that it's a reasonable emotion to have considering x, y, and z, but that still doesn't make them a bad person. Otherwise, they're less likely to listen because they don't think you *truly* understand how awful they are and how they view themselves, or think you do see and you're just being nice. Validating your loved one's feelings was obvious advice to me, but that's one situation I hadn't considered because I've always had high self-esteem and didn't think of that perspective even when trying to put myself in someone else's shoes, so I must thank Dr. Manning for that. It's a new tool in my interpersonal toolbox.

Now onto what I didn't like as much. She gives so much advice on how to communicate with a loved one with BPD and help them in various situations, but she doesn't pay enough attention to the needs of the other person in the relationship. She gives examples of how the behavior of someone with BPD may be frustrating, exhausting, or fear-inducing to their loved ones, but doesn't show how the loved one can communicate what *they* need out of the relationship, how they can get their needs met by that person, or how they can feel like an equal in the relationship instead of it being one-sided (if it isn't a parent-child relationship.) Which, if you're not fragilizing your loved one like she suggests you don't, is absolutely vital. She does suggest the other person validate and cheer-lead themselves, but that doesn't address unmet needs. Also, I was shocked there was only one page addressing abuse, and only in reference to childhood abuse. I feel like she put on rose-colored glasses and tried to write a positive and non-stigmatizing book by completely ignoring the abuse that can happen between someone with BPD and someone who loves them, in either direction. By doing so, she completely misses the opportunity to offer practical suggestions to address it in the most positive and productive way possible. Which is bizarre, because it's not like she's shying away from difficult subject matter. She has a whole chapter on addressing suicide attempts and suicidal behavior, and if anything I thought the personal examples of the behavior of a person with BPD were a bit too extreme and weren't balanced out by more mild examples. Which was another weakness of the book.

There were a few other things that bothered me on top of that. Some of the advice can be kind of vague, and while she gives very concrete personal stories, it's not always clear how to apply the principles she's laying out in other situations. One example that comes to mind of vague advice is a loved one using "wise mind" to find out if they did anything to violate their principles and whether their guilt is justified. She doesn't give enough concrete examples of when you actually *should* end a relationship with someone who has BPD, just telling the reader to make their own double-sided pro-con list. I'm okay with a book that suggests to be compassionate and err on the side of not ending the relationship, but not if it's not tempered by reality and concrete examples. I also, frankly, found it dangerous when she suggested in one sentence that it's best to call the police in the case of a loved one's suicide attempt without any discussion of the disproportionate violence faced by the mentally ill, people with disabilities, and people of color by the hands of the police, or any of the cases in which the police have shot suicidal people during suicide attempts. Especially since Dr. Manning actually lives in the United States. Calling the police is still the best option in many cases, but not discussing that was irresponsible on her part. And despite training with Dr. Linehan, there were some passages in the book that made me question the author's scientific accuracy in writing this, such as an analogy about how children in the Ukraine with smile at a kitten just as much as anyone in the world because it's an automatic response to emotion (this is demonstrably false; emotional responses are cultural and there are many cultures who don't smile to signify happiness the way Americans do), and another passage about the 12 step program (I don't remember where in the book or what it was.) Finally, and this is just a trifle, but I would have preferred her using the gender-neutral They in the book instead of switching back and forth between he and she, both to eliminate confusion on the part of the reader and to be inclusive of non-binary people. Perhaps she can do so in an updated edition, as well as fixing the dead URL links.

Overall, I feel like giving this book 2 stars because the negatives weigh so heavily, but there's such a crucial vacuum for a non-stigmatizing and humanizing book about BPD that I have to give her another star.

[Chelsea Arata · Rating 4 out of 5]

While repetitive at times, I felt this book did a good job explaining to someone without my background (mental health professional) how to respectfully care for a borderline person in their life and how to help break the cycles of destructive relationships that person may create. A concern I have is that there isn't much discussion of how to recognize when a relationship with a borderline person has become abusive, which is a common problem, especially with the behavior patterns associated with borderline personality disorder. As noble as it is to care for someone else, it is at least equally important to care for yourself. That said, I felt it was a good resource for my patients families, and it even reminded me of some things I had let lapse in my own interactions with my borderline patients, so that's good!

[Hanya Ahmad · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would've rated it 2.5/5 if possible. I'd say the book is helpful for someone who lacks awareness about their own or their loved one's emotions and where they come from, however, for someone who already understands that and just wants to know how to practically deal with the implications of these emotions -which is the main purpose of this book-, it just doesn't add anything new.
Anyone with zero-level awareness whose loved one is going through any mental health issue knows that validating one's negative feelings is important, and that they should add some boundaries in order to not get hurt. Writing it in a box and adding intuitive "steps" is just not that helpful.

You'd think that someone so well-informed about BPD would mention that it comes in various types and behaviours, that a percentage of people with BPD internalise their emotions and cannot communicate them in any form in fear of being a burden. As someone with quiet BPD, this book triggered me into thinking that I should try and suffer in more silence because apparently we're monsters who are always wreaking havoc.

What I actually liked about this book was that it didn't stigmatise BPD as much as I thought it would. It expressed some of my feelings in a well-put manner. The author was actually pretty compassionate, and I've been putting off reading BPD books for so long as often people with BPD find them offensive. That is a huge plus for me.

[Charlene · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have been trying to read and rate as many self help books that deal with personality disorders, as defined by the DSM, as possible. They are almost always a severe disappointment. This was better than most and still sadly suffers from the same problems in most similar type books.

The author does a good job of helping people understand what they might be doing to encourage controlling and manipulative behavior (see chapter on managing guilt and not enabling your BPD loved one), she contradicts herself so often throughout the book, it's difficult to imagine her techniques being successful. For example, she warns, "Don't fragilize your loved one," which is the same advice given by other authors (don't walk on eggshells), but then gives very specific examples of things to say to a loved one that equates to walking on eggshells. Too often her advice to people dealing with the BPD is to act like she, the therapist does. This author is unquestionably in the camp that believes if someone is BPD, they are hurting deep down. This attitude is what allows them hurt others. Holding this view and treating your BPD loved one as if *they* are hurt, and not the people they hurt, is the definition of fragilizing. The author falls prey to the just so stories that explain away every behavior (even though the same just so story can be concocted to explain the opposite behavior as well).

Many of the behaviors she tries to understand are important to understand. Why do people mask emotions, engage in apparent helplessness, fly into a rage if you don't give them money or control, etc. It just doesn't seem that this author or science in general has made much progress in providing more than mere opinions and just so stories to explain away each observation of behavior. The author definitely succeeded in narrowing her focus better than most authors, thus quieting the noise of randomness. But, while it is important to address the behaviors that are almost impossible to live with, we as a society just don't seem equipped to actually help in any true effective manner.

I still am of the opinion that (despite it's judgmental spouting at the end), In Sheep's Clothing is the best possible book for dealing with controlling, manipulative, emotionally unstable, or high conflict people.

[Proof of Ruin · Rating 4 out of 5]

i love this book. my partner and several of my close friends have borderline diagnoses, and i learned more here than from any other writings i've encountered about the disorder. if you have a loved one with BPD, this is essential and required reading. it is humanizing, eye-opening, and immensely useful.

first note: this book is missing an essential bit of coaching for an experience that is near-universal to folks who are close to those with BPD - how to explain to your loved one in no uncertain terms and without walking on eggshells that their behavior toward you has been abusive and damaging, especially when that behavior is fueled by their BPD symptoms. manning dances around this subject at a number of different points in the book and provides an anecdote or two, but this moment is big and bad and common enough for this book's intended audience that i believe it needed focused attention. other readers have mentioned this too. knocked off a star for this alone.

second note: i read this book over the course of more than four years and just finished the last three chapters tonight. it's been my experience that the tools manning provides are, as she often notes herself, not effective the first time that you use them. they're unfamiliar to both you and your loved one, and they feel awkward, out of place, and sometimes just totally wrong. practicing them over an extended period of time and massaging them to fit your particular relationship dynamic (making them feel natural for you and your loved one) are both hugely important. every few months, i still feel like a tool that i've pulled from this text years before has finally "clicked" in one of my relationships.

[Anushka Sierra · Rating 3 out of 5]

Find this and other reviews of mine at Feminist Quill

Synopsis: Written from the perspective of a DBT practitioner, Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder looks at how family and friends can manage situations that arise from living with a person who has BPD.

I am not the target demographic of this book. I was diagnosed with BPD in 2017, so this book is really speaking to the people around me.

I’m therefore a little likely to be biased in my review of this book. And as such, it feels a bit like a conversation the author is having over my head or behind my back.

First, the good things.

The author clearly has a good understanding of what Borderline Personality Disorder is, how it manifests and how the mind works with BPD. The author also understands well the mentality of someone who has to deal with a BPD sufferer – and primarily uses language that would resonate with such a person.

For the uninitiated, the “borderline” in Borderline Personality Disorder represents the point at which neurosis and psychosis meet. This fun diagnosis implies therefore that a person who has it can experience symptoms falling into both these categories.

The exact causes of BPD – as with so many other psychological issues – is as yet undetermined. However, there is evidence pointing to genetic tendencies and invalidating and/ or abusive childhoods as the reasons for BPD developing in a person.

Dr. Manning says that people with BPD are “born with an innate and invisible difference” – the difference essentially being that they are “more emotional” than average.

I don’t know if this is true, and since I got this book on Audible, I have no way of knowing whether citations were included in the book. However, this is the first time in three years of reading that I’ve personally heard it described this way.

She defines being “emotional” as three distinct characteristics – emotional sensitivity, emotional reactivity and a higher emotional baseline.

Dr. Manning also correctly identifies the fact that guilt and shame over their negative behaviour drives BPD sufferers, worsening their mental health and causing more destructive behaviours in an increasingly vicious cycle as they try to avoid the guilt and shame.

She points out the 5 areas of dysregulation experienced and patiently shows how they tie together in order to present the larger picture of exhaustingly destructive behaviour that is more familiar.

So far, so good. However, the tone taken by the author in presenting this information was one I found rather… stigmatizing. It also makes all the things she says appear to contradict each other.

For example, on the one hand, she says it’s important to realise – no matter how frustrating it may be – that their loved one is not a terrible person, but rather someone with a pattern of terrible behaviour. She then encourages readers to think of the emotionality as a characteristic rather than a character flaw.

Which is it? Is BPD behaviour an innate characteristic? Or is it something external, a pattern of behavior that doesn’t reflect on the person’s nature? Is it “terrible”?

“Don’t condescend, fragilize or talk down to someone with BPD.”

Great advice. Unfortunately, Dr. Manning keeps talking about how we shouldn’t assume that people with BPD are competent enough to handle a situation, even if we have seen them handle similar situations before.

“Watching a slow motion trainwreck”, “cognitively inhibited”, “unrealistic problem solving skills”, “poor judgement + poor problem solving,” “problem solving capabilities are negligible”… The repetitive keywords and phrases keep feeling like a slap in the face.

In a later chapter, she tells her readers to treat someone with BPD as though they “are fully capable”, despite the fact that they are not, as she immediately goes on to tell us, “fully capable.”

When talking about speaking genuinely to a person with BPD, (“radical genuineness”, level 6 of validating someone), Dr. Manning talks about how people who have BPD are very good at picking up on whether someone is being genuine from facial expressions, tone of voice etc. Despite this, her advice to a family member or friend is to “pretend to be genuine, pretend that you believe this person is fully capable”, while secretly believing that they are not.

I just– Why? Despite Dr. Manning’s advice about not being condescending and about not fragilizing, she spends an entire book doing exactly that.

Additionally, almost every example she uses is extreme. John gambles away all his money and gets in debt, then attempts suicide. Jane has a fight with their partner and swallows a bunch of pills. Mark self sabotages at work, gets fired, and ends up hospitalized due to a suicide attempt.

Do all of Dr. Manning’s patients have severe instances of BPD? What about the day to day of living with BPD – especially for patients who are already in regular therapy? What about those who put considerable effort into regulating their emotions on a daily basis, so that when they do snap, it is typically due to extreme provocation, or after a very long time? What about the people whose reactions to emotion just aren’t this extreme, except under certain circumstances?

Which brings me to: Where are the success stories? Have none of her patients recovered? Or improved at all? Ever?

"In every moment we are all doing the best we can."

Overall, Dr. Manning draws a clear and empathetic picture of stigmatised things like self harm and suicide. She describes the perspective of someone with BPD quite well. Moreover, the techniques she details throughout the book are practical and helpful. However, it’s in the casually negative descriptions of BPD sufferers and their traits that problematic patterns begin to emerge.

In her own words, someone who condescends would not be effective at communicating with someone who has BPD. So, from the bottom of my emotional heart, I want to ask: how can she be? And how can anyone else be, who attempts to follow her advice while internalizing the implicit messaging of this book?

[Sivan]

DNF at 73%

This came up on the library home page, probably because I read that book about treating EDs. The first few chapters in this book were fascinating. Then it started going downhill. Given that I don't (as far as I know) know anyone with BPD, I'm obviously not the target audience. Even so, I agree with other reviews that the author contradicts herself. At the point when I stopped she literally says, "Don't assume your loved one is competent." ??? This seems really disrespectful to people struggling with BPD. Then before that she talks about how you shouldn't jump into helping your loved ones solve problems and get them to solve the problems themselves. Okay.

I wouldn't recommend this to anyone, even those loving someone with BPD, though I probably can't speak to that. Even though I truly, truly found the first few chapters very insightful (5 stars there, really), even for just interacting with anyone, I can't in good faith recommend this book. When the author talks about what causes BPD, she says that people who love someone with BPD usually get defensive at this point because it sounds like doctors are saying it's their fault but it's not, but honestly the way she describes how even seemingly simple missteps that any parent could make could cause BPD, it really does seem like blaming parents. (Since many people have high emotional baselines, one of the ingredients for BPD, but not all those people have BPD, the other ingredient needed to cause BPD is an invalidating environment. Basically when the person/child says they feel a certain way, the people around them invalidate that feeling. Though I think the statistics mentioned show that the majority of people with BPD, if not the majority then definitely high, like close to 50%, experienced some sort of abuse or trauma growing up, this definitely makes sense as an invalidating environment, but an invalidating environment can even be as simple as if the parents have a low emotional baseline and the child has a high one and they tell the kid they're overreacting with their emotions. One example given was a patient whose parents made her play the violin even though she didn't want to, that was her invalidating environment. But sure, that's not blaming the people who love the person with BPD for causing the condition.

This audiobook had a long hold list. There's 11 people waiting for it after me :o

Key takeaways:
- People have different emotional baselines!
- When comforting someone, validate their feelings by mirroring but do not validate the invalid. Ex. "Ugh I should have known better, I'm so stupid." Response: "I understand that you feel stupid. Lots of people might feel stupid after having done something like that (Validation, then say what you want to say:) I think it's important you know that mistakes happen and you're not stupid. Even the smartest people mess up sometimes.
- We can change people's behavior by changing how we react to them.

[Kaalomai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent primer for anyone really on how to handle highly emotional people and situations and how to regulate one's own emotions. Easy to follow examples and steps related in story form as well as in bullet charts. If you don't need stories, you can skim the blocked charts and receive a quick primers on Self Regulation, Self Care, Assisting others to work through their issues and emotions, Setting Boundaries, Assessing Crisis situations, and Prioritizing Problems for yourself and others. I truly believe this is a must-read for anyone feeling at odds dealing with other's emotions and problems, and/or dealing with your own. If you ONLY skim it you will get a lot out of it. I recommend skimming it first then go back and read the parts you feel unclear on in more depth.

[Ron]

To borrow a phrase from another series of books on the subject of BPD. this one could be titled, How to Walk on Eggshells. There are some useful concepts and strategies here, but it seems very unbalanced toward placating and supporting the person with BPD, with little about self care and self defense. Yes, you totally need to validate the other person, but when the unjust or hopelessly exaggerated claims begin, it can be utterly exhausting to work through the rhetorical ju-Jitsu that this book advocates. Without some strategies to shelter and protect themselves, or even to moderate the unwanted behavior, a person could wear themselves out using this approach. A therapist who could coach you through the process is mandatory. Still, it's a worthwhile read, though far from a complete guide.

[Elizabeth (Betsy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was interested in reading this book as my step-sister wrote it. Shari does a great job of sounding as though you were getting advice from a friend and I think the techniques, especially validation, can go a long way towards helping in any relationship, not just those with BPD. I've already used that technique on a couple conference calls with clients when we were having communication difficulties between parties. It is amazing how people can adjust their tone, etc. once you've validated their frustration.

[Abhijit · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I have read on Borderline Personality Disorder. This book is the life saver for the many people. I rediscover empathy and love within me. Thanks to Manning!

(Personal opinion) This book is not recommended to the patient and should be kept hidden from them
as they are damn smart and If they know that you are reading something and acting as per that they catch you and may increase their anxiety further.

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book incredibly insightful and helpful for dealing with myself and others when strong emotions are experienced, not just for DBT. The author provides insight to a mind experiencing incredibly intense emotions. She provides great examples to help build validation and empathy skills as well as how to manage your own emotions, which may be off kilter when someone you love is feeling what they feel.

[Steph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super super super super helpful. If you have a pal with BPD this is important to have.

[Pam Laine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful, compassionate book with a clear explanation of why validation is important for any healthy relationship. And for those with intense emotions, validation is vital, perhaps even life-saving. Shari Manning does a great job outlining step-by-step how to validate effectively in the most challenging situations. It works. Which inspires me to review chapters 3 and 4 regularly, applying the skills to all relationships I care about.

This book is useful not just for loved ones with borderline personality disorder, but for anyone with extreme emotions, including those with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, a condition commonly misdiagnosed as BPD.

[Rob Cooper · Rating 4 out of 5]

helpful, and has changed the way I think and communicate in general (not just with those who struggle with BPD).

[Hussein Zalzale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Explains theory and skills of DBT really well. Recommended for therapists and people who love someone with BPD, regardless of severity.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic book. It's very positive in comparison to many other books on the same subject. Rather than telling the reader that the only way is to exclude that crazy person from their lives, the author suggests ways to manage the relationship by creating healthy boundaries and stepping out of the cycle of emotional dis-regulation. Even if you don't have a Borderline, or otherwise emotionally dis-regulated person in your life, the advice is really useful for personal relationships in general. For example, her discussion of justified vs. unjustified guilt, how to recognize it and what to do about it. Highly recommended.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

8/10/24
This remains an incredibly helpful book. My caveats from my prior read still stand, but I'm glad to have this resource to return to.

---

11/20/23
I picked up this book after hearing it recommended several times as a good book for those who have a loved one who has experienced trauma. I wasn't exactly sure how a book about BPD would be applicable, but as there seems to be a dearth of books specifically related to loving someone recovering from complex trauma, this seems like the go-to rec. As it turns out, it's quite applicable; in fact, one of my hesitations about this book is how quickly Manning ascribes a personality disorder to behavioral patterns that could stem from several different causes, and how she champions DBT as the sole solution where trauma-centered therapies may be better for some folks. But nonetheless, I think there's a lot of valuable wisdom to be gleaned from this book. Her tone is compassionate and hopeful, and her advice is practical. I won't say it's easily applicable per se, and I think she could have benefited from more specific (and less contrived) examples to show the difference, for example, between infantilizing your loved one and recognizing when they're claiming abilities they don't have and need help; however, I think her basic principles are sound and based in research and experience, even if the application of them may require trial and error. I'm grateful this resource exists!

[Kristina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m rating this book five stars because it’s practical, accessible, and tremendously compassionate. Individuals with BPD are among the most stigmatized population in my field (Psychology) and this book, as other reviewers have mentioned, is helpful for anyone - borderline relationship or not. Validation is a powerful and connecting tool for ALL of us. This book is very hopeful and understanding of people who have BPD or live someone with BPD. I wish all psych literature was this compassionate!

[Roxanne Wyndham · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have BPD so I wanted to know what others were being told about my illness (me). I’m pleasantly surprised with how Dr. Manning doesn’t down play individuals with BPD while still emotionally supporting the families. Also, I discovered that a lot of the skill I use with my family (non-BPD people) it’s catered to me. I find it thrilling that “regular” people experience what we go through even if it’s not to the same degree. It’s definitely worth the read for individuals with BPD as well as family’s.

[Aarielle Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not just for people who love those with BPD

I don’t generally write reviews but after reading this feel the need. I recently had someone very close in my life diagnosed with BPD, and though the diagnosis itself brought some relief for myself and my loved one, it is an intimidating condition. This book allowed me not only to understand my loved one better, but also to understand myself, those around me, and humans in general a lot more. Highly recommend to anyone looking to improve interpersonal relationships.

[AmoRead · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must-read for mental health professionals who work with Borderline/highly sensitive patients and their loved ones. I was impressed by two aspects of this book: 1) her very compassionate perspective that recognizes how difficult it is to BE the Borderline, not just how hard it is to love one, and 2) so far the best explanation I've heard for why and how highly emotional individuals who have a lower-than-average distress tolerance are easily triggered and struggle to calm down.

[Jeffrey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I've read on BPD, combining the best of understanding the disorder to practical strategies for interacting with someone who has the disorder. This book understands BPD as stemming from two distinct causes: an overly sensitive genetic temperament combined with an invalidating environment. The book gives step by step strategies in both dealing with crises and helping the borderline with long-term improvement of her condition.

[Lisal Kayati Roberts · Rating 3 out of 5]

Repetitive and largely anecdotal. It does help with understanding someone with this disorder and humanizes them. It really puts the onus for behavioral change on the victims of BPD, not the person with the disorder. I’m glad I read/listened to this book to better understand the cryptic behavior of an extended family member. The reader did sound like a computer- for this reason- it was difficult to keep focus.

[Carole-Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not an easy read as it makes you think of all events that happened In the past and how you could have made the situation better. Also not easy to accept that it is what it is and things might not change , you can only control how you react, understand how they think and apply compassion. Worth the read for anyone dealing with friends/family with BPD.

[Daeus · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this a long time ago. Pretty much delivers what the title says, along with some incredible insights and strategies.

Quotes
- "Validation is communicating understanding to another person in a non-judgmental fashion."
- "Remember that Emotionally sensitive people have emotions that last longer than those of others. But even if her emotional reaction seems interminable, it will end if no more cues come up. All you can do in those moments is try not to invalidate her further by communicating that she should be over it, that she is overreacting, or that she is out of line.... the key to an appropriate response is what we call 'assessment.' Ask questions about her internal experiences, and then listen to the answer without filtering or judging what your loved one is saying."
- "People with BPD are born with a biological, emotional vulnerability. They have big emotions that occur often and easily, and last a long time.... the second ingredient that is required is the invalidating environment. The invalidating environment is one where the private and public experiences of the child are punished, treated as inaccurate, ignored or negated and/or the child is not taught how to regulate emotions. To regulate emotions all people need to be able to (1) do things that are not about what is causing the emotion, (2) regulate their bodies down when the emotion increases their physiological arousal or up when the emotion decreases their arousal, (3) not engage in behavior that is about the current mood or emotion (ie not go with the emotion), and (4) have a life that involves goals independent of the emotion so that in the moment they can focus on them."
1. Assess: ask what has happened.
2. Listen actively: don't contradict, judge, or say your loved one is overreacting.
3. Validate: find something in what happened that makes sense and is understandable that you can relate to. Say what that is.
4. Ask if you can help. Not to solve the problem, but to get through the moment.
5. If your loved one says no, give him or her space. Remember the emotions of emotionally vulnerable people last longer.
- "You don't even have to agree with the behavior [to validate it], you just have to say, honestly, that you find it understandable. If its not understandable to you, you don't validate it. That would be validating the invalid..and might mean reinforcing a behavior...that is clearly harmful.... the reason for validation is to dampen emotional arousal."
- "You do not have to accept the future, you only have to accept this moment. I worked one time with women who were incarcerated.... most of them had life sentences. They would ask me how they could accept that they would be in prison until they died. The answer was that they did not have to accept being in prison until they died. They had to accept being in prison right then, that day. The next day of course they would have to accept being in prison again. And the next day. And the next day."
- "We use the word practice as an acknowledgement that there is no magical place called acceptance that you arrive at where things are not as painful. Instead we keep working and working at acceptance. So we use the word practicing acceptance instead of getting to acceptance in acknowledgement of the journey."
- "People with BPD are regulated externally. This means that they are regulated by things in their environment, and that includes you. If the environment is calming, they will calm.... the good news is that you can help them regulate their emotions, just by regulating your own."
- "All of us lose the ability to focus, brainstorm, and choose solutions to our problems when we are emotional."
- "Shame becomes its own intense emotion."
- "...separate your reaction to your loved ones experience from your reaction to the conclusion she has drawn from feeling her emotions." Eg someone saying they feel stupid, you say 'you're not stupid' with the intention to invalidate the conclusion, but really it makes her feel she 'should not feel that way,' invalidating her emotions. First you just say something like ' I know the situation is hard, and you feel stupid.' Then maybe offer support/reassurance, and if it escalates her, go back to validating.
- "If you truly don't believe the goal is attainable, dont lie, choose something else to validate."
- "High emotional arousal can not only inhibit the use of an already learned behavior, but also block further learning about the appropriate use of that behavior."
- "It's not that you need to be able to determine exactly how far or how deeply your loved ones competence in a certain area extends. It's that you should always be willing to consider the possibility that apparent competence is not always actual competence. And therefore, whenever your loved one appears not to be able to do something you thought she could do, she probably really cannot do it, at least not there and then..... if you think your loved one is more capable than she thinks she is, or than she really is, you will inadvertently invalidate her. You will communicate to her than she could have done whatever the behavior was if you really wanted to."
- "your loved one may believe that describing what she feels, as supposed to showing you what she feels, is sufficient to demonstrate the level of her emotion."
- "The primary reason for self-harm is emotional regulation."

[Lakota Schultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

incredibly helpful introduction

This book is great in helping you understand BPD and some basic skills on how not to let your behaviour escalate a situation. It helps to put you in the shoes of your loved one and see life through their eyes, and it’s made me strongly consider getting professional support for myself, so I can be a better support for my loved one.

[Meredith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could have done worse. I can do better in the future. It's not hopeless. I just have to keep my emotions from ramping up, too. Good luck with that...