Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness

by Debbie Maken

"Singleness is… the kind of gift that makes us cringe and smile politely while we desperately search for a gift receipt." Singleness is a "gift;" at least that's what we've been taught. But if singleness is a gift, then why does it make us feel so miserable so often? Does God really want his children to embrace a gift they resent so much? Debbie Maken proposes that marriage is the fundamental design and structure for life that God chose for his people. She argues that the church needs to reemphasize the importance of the gift of marriage. This book issues a challenge to churches in their teaching and attitudes toward singleness and to believers in their understanding of God's intentions regarding marriage. "One of the most urgent questions facing today's generation of young Christians is this-does God really intend for us to make marriage a priority? Confusion reigns in this area of the Christian life. Far too many young Christians sideline marriage, delay marriage, and avoid marriage in an extension of adolescence that is truly unique in human history. Now comes Debbie Maken with sound advice, serious thinking, and an honest approach to this question that will help all Christians think about our responsibility to get serious about getting married. This book should be a must-read for all Christian young adults-and for all who love them."
- R. Albert Mohler, Jr. , President, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary "This book will be life-changing for the singles who read this, as Debbie so aptly pokes holes in all those evangelical church myths about why singles should be 'content.'"
- Julia Duin , assistant national editor, The Washington Times

Genres: Relationships, Marriage, Theology, Christian, Christian Living

208 pages, Paperback

First published January 9, 2006

Reviews

[Kelly · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am not one to shy away from hard truths. I would rather know them deal with them and grow through what I see is a God ordained character building struggle. 99% of this book is a rant based in discontentedness and what appears to be bitterness and hopelessness. I strongly suggest to young ladies that if they are struggling with discontentedness that they do not read this book. It is not edifying. The points that she made that I agree with are so buried in bad attitude that it would be like finding your lost earring in a pig's yard.

[Belle · Rating 4 out of 5]

While my natural inclination is to buck against the strong tone of this book, I can’t in good conscience argue many of its points or even its tone. The reality of the view on dating taken up by most modern churches of today’s society speaks for itself and it’s not the authors fault that the truth is hard to read. I have heard most of examples given in this book, and many more not mentioned, in my prolonged adult singleness.

While it’s not entirely encouraging to read all the ways I have failed myself and suiters in the past, I am reminded of a gracious God - though it would have been nice to be reminded by the author herself a time or two. While I do not agree with every single word read, I agree with enough to point other single women (and pastors who need more resources for the single women in their churches) in the direction of this book.

If nothing else, it reaffirmed what my studies of Scripture has been convicting me of — God has much to say on marriage and its time to get serious about getting married.

[Christopher · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is my third time to read this book, and I read it all in one day. Whether or not she says everything just right, this book pins the tail on the donkey.

[Kristin Rogers · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of important things to think through. I’ve never heard such a strong worded case against singleness and how the idea of marriage has shifted in the church and culture over history. Many exhortations that I can see being needed on the topic , but I don’t love her tone in many areas towards men. Glad I read it but would have a hard time recommending this to a single person over 22, take the good nuggets and have chats with the content instead.

[Jerry · Rating 4 out of 5]

This an excellent book, challenging the typical counsel in the church to "be content." Maken goes squarely after guys who don't seek the sacrifice, responsibility and overwhelming blessing of marriage which is why so many of them attack this book. She also instructs single women to diligently seek marriage and only dating that plausibly leads to it. Statistics show that two thirds of evangelicals are not virgins when they marry, so singleness usually doesn't mean celibacy.

[Becca Catherman · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book as there's lots of truth in here. It speaks to the sacredness of marriage and the idea that it is indeed God's will for mankind. This book paints a Biblical picture of marriage, speaking to how we were made for it thus why we desire it.

There are problems with the way marriage is viewed in our culture and sadly some modern churches today. It addresses these problems as well as misconceptions often taught about marriage by correcting them from a Biblical standard. It calls us to pursue marriage.

But I did not like the negative way most of it was presented. It address problems but offers almost no solution to the problems...short of getting married young. How? Well, not from dating. You also shouldn't move out of your parents house or be part of a singles group at church. Oh, and don't be friends with guys.

It seems to validate loneliness if you're single because after all, you have a God given void that can only be filled by a husband. It points out how men are failing as leaders, offering you doubts in finding someone who will actually fill a husband role. Your futility rates go down as you get older meaning you might not be fulfilling God's command to be fruitful and multiply.

The main problem I have with this book is not the information (for the most part) but the way the information is presented.

[a_christian_reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of those paradigm-shifting books I wish I'd read at a younger age. This book reflects my own experience of singleness in the church better than any other Christian book on the subject ever has.

[Sue Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of what she said, as well as the choice of words with which she said them, gave me a glimpse into maybe why she was single for longer than she hoped. 😬

But there were many truths she shared which were so good to hear, and good exhortations for those of us who are praying for and counseling our dear single friends.

[Anika Qing · Rating 1 out of 5]

One day I may re-read this book and write a proper review. At the moment, I hardly know where to start. How on earth can this be a well-received book in Christian circles where there is any respect for God's word or love for His sons?

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

I gave it to Emily for Christmas two years ago; I guess it worked.

[Monserrat Santiago · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author says this at the end: "if you have read this far, I assume your reaction will either be 'hate it' or 'love it'. No one else away from my material lukewarm". I must be the odd one out. I don't agree with everything she said, especially with the harsh ways to address singles like me, and mostly making me feel that if I'm single, I'm practically sinning, because marriage is a mandate from God, and I should've been married years ago. Nonetheless, I have grown to believe that marriage is not something that just falls on our lap while we wait for God's will to appear at our door; instead, is a blessing that we should strive to get proactively. I definitely don't like the way she addressed the whole singleness/marriage issue, since I don't think she was considering other reasons people have to be single (like past traumatic experiences, wrong views about marriage, or poor unwise mating choices), and I don't think she considered the most important resource we have to process our unmet longing for marriage: prayer. I would've wanted to be inspired and encouraged to pray more and ask my family and friends for their prayers as I'm proactively -and decisively- looking for marriage. That's why I'm giving it just there stars.

[Danielle Bullen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book, had a lot of good things to say, but also said a lot of things I think a little too forcefully, and left out some things that I think should have been said more strongly, in particular the idea that there is an issue in today's culture that is largely the fault of women when it comes to marriage, that is this: that many Christian women have accepted the idea of soulmate, thus making them turn down many man out of the idea that they are not the perfect 'one' and ignoring everything else, because that man is not exactly the ideal.

I appreciated her notion that people today take marriage far too lightly and her call to actively pursue marriage, and to put off the ideal 'we'll see when it happens, it happens' laxness that pervades in the world today, but I feel like she puts far too little emphasis on God's sovereignty, to the put that it *almost* feels as though she is either scoffing at it, or throwing it out altogether. Yes. People are lazy. Yes, people hide behind a myriad of fears and need to get off their rears and into gear, but also, God is sovereign, and He DOES have His will in our lives.

Interesting and thought provoking. Definately will be mulling it over for a while.

[Giselle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been challenged by this book.
I would agree with the author’s many thesis points, but I am not sure about her supporting evidences to the thesis statements, nor am I comfortable with the way much of the writing was done.
I still give it four stars because I do believe that she wrote this book out of love for singles who are struggling with unwanted singleness. Also, I personally have been challenged and inspired in a good way by this book, and it has urged me to encourage young people in my church to give marriage a more serious thinking when the default mindsets (affected by cultures and surroundings) are simply pushing this idea to a later date.
But I would hesitate to recommend it to people - especially young people - because I can probably share with most people the thesis points that I think is biblical without them having to go through the not so supportive supporting evidences and the discomfort some of writing has caused.
I would recommend it to pastors, though, just so that they - ciphering out the parts that are not so great - may be challenged in a good way, and then to minister more in this area to the marriage-ready singles in church.

[Johannes · Rating 4 out of 5]

I give this one a high rating; not because of eloquence or other authorial artistic virtues, but because it's to the point and true. I think this book as a very important message that young Christians need to take to heart. It profits no-one to idly wait in a fog of a life-plan. Being intentional, being active and preparing for the purpose of marriage is very much needed. Marriage is an central and holy institution that profits both the husband and the wife, but the church and God's kingdom. I will recommend this book to the men and women in my life that need to get serious about getting married.

[Acacia · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had a very difficult time with this book... As refreshing as it was to read something different than spouting contentment and singleness is a season, I felt that it pushed singleness as being a sin. There were too many contradictory points made. Very opinionated and not much Scripture to back up her content. And she used the phrase protracted singleness abundantly, as if as singles we are legitimately choosing singleness.

[Ashlee · Rating 2 out of 5]

I enjoyed the scriptural references and new perspective on what being called to singleness looks like, I felt the author made a lot of strong personal biased statements that portrayed all men to look and act a certain way. I felt this was a strong call for men to rise to occasion rather than a preparation of women’s hearts.

[Rebecca Norton · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

[Elizabeth White · Rating 3 out of 5]

Don’t agree 100%, but some needed messages for our society.

[Seth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very interesting book. One of our recently married ;) staff members was reading this book last fall and left it lying in our staff room. Picked it up one evening and read/skimmed it all, staying up much too late.
There is certainly a problematic trend among Christian young people today to not get married until quite late. One result, of course, is that the birth rate among Christians is at an extreme low. These things are true also of the unsaved in our nation, however, as Christians God's Word tells us that children are a blessing from the Lord, and that they are a tremendous resource in our battle for the souls of men.
The author of this book presented some views that had never previously entered my mind, but left me largely convinced of the truth of her assertions. Naturally, I wouldn't agree with everything. It's a very thought-provoking book, and I would recommend any young single person, parent or pastor to read it. It certainly challenged me, not only mentally, but also practically.
Rather than writing my own review, here is a link to a brief, interesting and thorough review on another website: http://www.readingtoknow.com/2006/12/....

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good stuff! We talk about this gift of singleness and it's super high calling. When deep inside we long for the day to share our lives with the one we love... we want to be married. Mrs. Maken looks at how our society of late has devalued the gift of marriage, God's call for it in people's lives, addresses the "signs" for those who are REALLY called to singleness (which is not the same as celibacy - intriguing, no?), and steps that we can take to pursue marriage. Men should read this, too! I read this while married so I could feel like I couls honetly recommend this to my single friends and I totally would. I think it would have been hard for me to read as a single but only because it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear!

[Melvyn Foo · Rating 2 out of 5]

There is value in Maken's extreme position (i.e. the 2 stars): it causes one to rethink the current position. And perhaps there is value in some of her ideas per se. Apart from that, the exegesis is weak, the anecdotes are melodramatic, the normative arguments lack force, and statistics are poorly used and poorly examined. Perhaps most irritating is her persistent use of strawmen. She argues like a bad lawyer: forceful, one-sided and dismissive. There is no reconciliation, no balancing of options, no nuanced view.

[Sheba · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book provoked many an emotion at the time I read it. I still talk to others about the "extended adolescence" the author mentions in the text. I believe marriage is a priority to the heart of God. It is in the context of marriage that we can have some of our most informative spiritual experiences. I like the frankness with which she responded to the idea of singleness being a desirable state. While I did not agree with everything she presented, I found the book to be compelling.

[Krista · Rating 2 out of 5]

She seems to blame men entirely for the problem of people marrying later and later in life. While I do admit, quite a bit of blame should be put on their doorstep, as men are to be the initiators of relationships, women aren't entirely innocent either.

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS BOOK IS GREAT. It is very honest and a wake-up call, especially for Christians. Its honesty frightened me a little because of where I am (or should I say where I am not) in my life, but let that be a call to action.

Everyone needs to read this book! Especially everyone in the Church!

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great social commentary & look at the historical & present day christian perspectives regarding the issues of singleness & marriage.

[Godfollower]

I read this a few years ago, and I'm re-reading.. and it's quite spot on and challenges, approaitely, false ideas, floating aroudn in culture, and the church, about the subject of marriage.

[Matt Mason · Rating 3 out of 5]

The diagnosis convincing. The tone often concerning.

[JonM · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had a lot of wisdom to offer in it. Overall It was a very well balanced perspective on Christian singleness and dating.

[Douglas Gates · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is written to women, but has convinced me that I need to get married if possible and as soon as possible.