Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance

by Tian Dayton

Do you use substances or engage in compulsive activities to regulate your mood? Do you reach for something sweet, a couple of drinks, or a pack of cigarettes after a difficult day because you can't unwind without them? Do you race to the stores to spend away the day's frustrations or run around in circles taking more time to get less done? If these self-defeating habits sound familiar, Emotional Sobriety will shed light on why and how these coping mechanisms threaten your health and impact resilience.

When we manage the stresses of the day by turning to outside 'mood managers' such as food, sex, work, shopping, gambling, drugs, and alcohol rather than healthier forms of 'self-soothing,' it is because we lack emotional sobriety--the state of processing our thoughts efficiently to bring our emotions into balance, says bestselling author and renowned addictions psychologist Tian Dayton, Ph.D. In her latest book, Emotional Sobriety, Dr. Dayton shares compelling, honest tales of her life experiences and case studies of those she has counseled.

Illustrating that emotional sobriety is a mind/body phenomenon, Dr. Dayton includes ideas on how to attain emotional literacy--the skill of translating feelings into words so that we can use our thought processes to understand and bring our emotions into balance--and how to calm the limbic system so that we can actually experience what we're feeling. The limbic system processes our emotions and governs our mood, appetite, and sleep cycles. Repeated painful experiences, in childhood or adulthood, over which we have no ability or sense of control or escape can oversensitize us to stress andderegulate our limbic system. Dr. Dayton shows you through concrete examples how to bring your emotions and thoughts into balance and learn healthy ways of 'self-soothing' to relieve symptoms of depression, anxiety, rage, and the desire to self-medicate.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Spirituality, Personal Development, Addiction

315 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 10, 2007

About the author

Tian Dayton has a masters in educational psychology and a PhD in clinical psychology and is a board certified trainer in psychodrama, sociometry and group psychotherapy. She is a certified Montessori teacher. Dr. Dayton is the director of The New York Psychodrama Training Institute. She is a nationally renowned speaker, expert, and consultant in psychodrama, trauma and addiction, ACoAs and self help related issues. Dr, Dayton was on the faculty at NYU for eight years teaching psychodrama. Dr. Dayton is a fellow of the American Society of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy ASGPP, winner of their scholar’s award, editor in chief of the Journal of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy and sits on the professional standards committee. She is also the winner of The Mona Mansell Award and The Ackermann Black Awaard. Dr. Dayton has been a guest expert on NBC, CNN, MSNBC, Montel, Rikki Lake, John Walsh, Geraldo. Tian blogs for Counselor Magazine, Recovery View and The Huffington Post

From the author's website.

Reviews

[Nichole · Rating 3 out of 5]

More like 3.5 stars. My therapist recommended this book because it focuses on adult children of alcoholics/substance abusers. I would read a few chapters throughout the week, highlighting passages that resonated with me, and then we'd discuss them during my therapy session. I found this to be a really useful exercise in staying engaged with therapy outside of sessions. This book contained many comforting and helpful passages, but I did find myself wanting her to elaborate more in certain sections. In particular, I'd read a section that I'd recognize myself or my experiences in, but too soon the chapter would be over or she had moved on to something else. I wanted more insight into why and how these things happen (for example, the vicious cycle of fear or how trauma affects the limbic system). Also, a few chapters ended with suggestions such as journaling prompts or strategies for managing anger. I wanted to see more of this. However, my therapist was helpful in filling in these blanks. Overall, I'd recommend this book to others who grew up in unstable households and/or with an addict parent/caregiver, especially as an exercise in therapy.

[Bailey Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably one of the best self-help books I’ve read.. really resonated with every chapter and felt that I could apply many of tools to my own life.

[Andrew Dowdy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had been told by my therapist that this book would be so powerful as to me make me feel held by it’s author. At first I wondered if I had bought the wrong book, but by the end I was not disappointed. Dayton’s explanation of the need for physical comfort and interdependence at all ages was groundbreaking for me.

[Robin Steinberg · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 Stars. Tian Dayton has written an insightful guide for adults looking to uncover and process the emotional baggage they carry from their dysfunctional childhoods (which, arguably, could be anyone's childhood -- what family doesn't have some level of dysfunction?) to become more emotionally balanced and fulfilled in their adult lives and relationships. Dayton spends a good bit of the book discussing psychological and scientific research, which can be dry and monotonous at times, and may be challenging for someone who doesn't have at least a beginner's background in the study of academic psychology. However, if you can get beyond the somewhat textbook-like nature of the book, there is a great deal of insight and value to the material she presents in the book. Reading this along with my book club, we each came away with some valuable insights about how our various experiences within our families-of-origin have influenced our patterns of emotional regulation/dysregulation and positive/negative behaviors as adults. For example, growing up in a household with a step-parent with an unpredictable, explosive temper heightened my own fight/flight response and contributed to my tendency to actively avoid and fear conflict. This is something I already knew about myself, but Dayton explored this concept in a deep way that I found helpful to reflect upon. For anyone interested in exploring the roots of their own emotional patterns, I think this book can be a very helpful guide. Also, I saw on Amazon that there is a companion workbook for this book which I suspect would be very useful to someone who really wants to take a deep, introspective dive into their own patterns of emotional response and dysfunctional behaviors.

[Shelley Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked up this book to chase down the emotional volatility that I sometimes experience. Very quickly the pages brought understanding of myself and others. Truth is, we all have some kind of relationship trauma. Finding healing one revelation at a time keeps me on the path to wholeness for my own sake and those whom I love. In the toolbox for life‘s journey, this book is a power tool.

[Anna Thelen · Rating 5 out of 5]

cannot recommend enough. the last chapters on growth and forgiveness I'll be mulling over for days

[LordOfDorkness · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone who's had addiction in their life, if that's family, a friend or yourself, I highly recommend this book. It offers a detailed picture of how and why people get addicted to things, how addiction works and some suggestions on how to treat it. But, although this can be a complicated thing to explain, this book does so using such clear, plain language that you can just sit back and take it all in as if it weren't. It's informative, eye opening and a pleasure to read and I think it could serve as a good the model for all books like it.

[Gigi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This will be a reference book for me to come back to again and again. It is full of research and anecdotes from author Tian Dayton. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for more emotional health.

[Joan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mediocre.
Dr Van Der Kolk and Peter Levine are much better authors and experts on the subject of trauma and stress.

[Sara]

Bardzo dużo mi rozjaśniła. Nie oceniam książek tego typu.

[Gina Della Valle · Rating 4 out of 5]

So, I have to be honest. I read this book all out of order, despite the author explicitly stating that it should be read in order. Whenever a book has lists and is separated into sections based on theme or content, I can't help but to jump back and forth. That's what I really enjoyed about this book. The fact that I could just pick it up and catch a vibe. I LOVE when a good self help book has lists. Bonus point for that.

Overall, I think this is book contains a lot of great advice to live by. I like how it delved into both research and personal anecdote. The title was compelling and unique. The fact that we grab for sweets and substances because of an emotional root of imbalance makes so much sense to me.

I liked this book because I didn't have to read the entire thing (HA) to get the message. I learned something from it that I can take with me. The author does a great job of presenting those big takeaways that you will remember. That's a good self help to me.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

"At the end of the day, our ability to see beauty, meaning, and purpose in our lives, in our world, and in our relationships is a fertilizer that grows rich fruit. Seeing life as a gift is what makes it a gift. Finding meaning and purpose in the life we lead is what gives it meaning and purpose. This ability to create meaning and transcendent purpose is a gift of the prefrontal cortex, a gift of being human."

[Jay McGinnis · Rating 5 out of 5]

The study of neuroscience is advancing. Thank God! This book helped me better understand the effect of waking up in a hospital bed at the age of ten and being told that Mommy had been killed in a horrible auto/truck accident had on my brain leading to a lifetime of Arrested Emotional Development. I am forever indebted to Celebrate Recovery for giving me the skill set to begin the healing process.

[Matt Klotz · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was a bit of a gut punch to me. There were times where I was reading this book and I'd have flashback to how selfish and immature I was in previous relationships. This book is for anyone who wants to have deeper relationships. Anyone who wants to have deeper relationships with others, must first understand themselves, and this book will help you do that.

[Krzysztof Krajewski · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pięć razy powtórzone to samo, za dużo odkrywczej wiedzy to ta książka nie zawiera. Zamiast 350 stron spokojnie mogłaby się zmieścić na 120 i to z pożytkiem bo wartości literackiej też brakuje. Na koniec wieje kościołem. Jeśli ktoś myśli, że może być DDA lub DDD może spróbować przeczytać ale nie uważam, żeby była to „lektura obowiązkowa”.

[anita · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do połowy bardzo dobrze mi się czytało, później zaczęłam się mocno nudzić i znów końcówka mi się podobała. Na pewno sporo przydatnych informacji, wpływających na inne postrzeganie własnych problemów i podnoszących na duchu. Ta książka to takie światełko w tunelu, dające nadzieję na zmiany i wyleczenie się z traum.

[Mateusz Bohnar · Rating 5 out of 5]

ogólnie bardzo dobre, bardzo wnikliwe w kontekście leczenia swojej wewnętrznej traumy i problemów emocjaonalnych. Dokładnie opisuje z każdej strony w jaki sposób w nasze życie wkrada się kompulsywne zachowanie i w jaki sposób pewnymi rzeczami możemy się zajmować. Zrobiłem sporo highlights, wiec z książki jest sporo informacji PLUS - UWAZAM ZE WARTO PRZEANALIZOWAĆ PONOWNIE

[Massood · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book that gives a holistic approach to the different dimensions that need our attention in other to become emotionally sober. A lot of aspects are covered, but I miss a red thread throughout the book, with fewer repetition. Maybe choosing fewer aspects and going in depth with them.

[Jaime · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is an essential read that deeply resonated and helped me understand myself better. It will definitely guide my healing work moving forward. Four stars because some of the sections felt a bit abrupt and underdeveloped.

[Frances · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book about how we get to know ourselves and how to deal with those emotions and issues in our lives that are below the level of consciousness. Whether you are a victim of someone else's addiction or you simply don't understand where your behaviors are coming from I recommend this book.

[Trevor · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful primer to psychotherapy. I will recommend it to all my clients as a very thorough guidebook for understanding emotions and figuring out what to do with them.

[Kale · Rating 2 out of 5]

Quite dry and did not resonate with me.

[Oliwai Wu · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meh…

[Barb · Rating 2 out of 5]

Abandoned

[Becky Vollmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most important books I've ever read, both as the child of an alcoholic and as a woman in long-term recovery myself. I cannot even tell you the number of times I've recommended it!

[Patrycja Golon · Rating 3 out of 5]

długo się czytało, nawet bardzo

[Kineeg · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I needed that, to understand myself better.
4,5 ⭐️

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so helpful for me and I know I will keep referring back to it time and time again to help myself and my clients.

[Jo Carol · Rating 2 out of 5]

Good, but a little too technical for my liking.

[Naomi · Rating 5 out of 5]

so good