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How Not to Be a Professional Footballer
An anecdote-driven narrative of the classic footballer's ‘DOs and DO NOTs’ from the ever-popular Arsenal legend and football pundit Paul Merson, aka ‘The Merse’.
When it comes to advice on the pitfalls of life as a professional footballer, Paul Merson can pretty much write the manual. In fact, that's exactly what he's done in this hilarious new book which manages to be simultaneously poignant and gloriously funny.
Merson was a prodigiously talented footballer in the 80s and 90s, gracing the upper echelons of the game - and the tabloid front pages - with his breathtakingly skills and larger-than-life off-field persona.
His much-publicised battles with gambling, drug and alcohol addiction are behind him now, and football fans continue to be drawn to his sharp footballing brain and playful antics on SkySports cult results show Soccer Saturday.
The book delights and entertains with a treasure chest of terrific anecdotes from a man who has never lost his love of football and his inimitable joie de vivre through a 25-year association with the Beautiful Game.
The DO NOTs NOT adopt 'Champagne' Charlie Nicholas as your mentorDO NOT share a house with GazzaDO NOT regularly place £30,000 bets at the bookie'sDO NOT get so drunk that you can't remember the 90 minutes of football you just played inDO NOT manage Walsall (at any cost)
How Not to be a Professional Footballer is a hugely entertaining, moving and laugh-out-loud funny story.
When it comes to advice on the pitfalls of life as a professional footballer, Paul Merson can pretty much write the manual. In fact, that's exactly what he's done in this hilarious new book which manages to be simultaneously poignant and gloriously funny.
Merson was a prodigiously talented footballer in the 80s and 90s, gracing the upper echelons of the game - and the tabloid front pages - with his breathtakingly skills and larger-than-life off-field persona.
His much-publicised battles with gambling, drug and alcohol addiction are behind him now, and football fans continue to be drawn to his sharp footballing brain and playful antics on SkySports cult results show Soccer Saturday.
The book delights and entertains with a treasure chest of terrific anecdotes from a man who has never lost his love of football and his inimitable joie de vivre through a 25-year association with the Beautiful Game.
The DO NOTs NOT adopt 'Champagne' Charlie Nicholas as your mentorDO NOT share a house with GazzaDO NOT regularly place £30,000 bets at the bookie'sDO NOT get so drunk that you can't remember the 90 minutes of football you just played inDO NOT manage Walsall (at any cost)
How Not to be a Professional Footballer is a hugely entertaining, moving and laugh-out-loud funny story.
304 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2011
29 people are currently reading
347 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews
February 14, 2021
I always knew this was going to be a wild biography given the adverse publicity Paul Merson has received during his life. Had mixed feelings about the actual biography though, inciteful and certainly shocking but was left scratching my head thinking what a waste of talent and money. Reading his encounters with gambling, drink and drugs he must be very fortunate to come through it having still had a decent career and still alive. Although he has suffered the addictions and put his family through some tough times it is to his credit that he has tackled his demons and somehow managing to keep them under control. I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to suffer these addictions so it is an interesting account of some of his rougher times.
A decent entertaining read but can’t help feeling that there are some large holes in his accounts and that he makes it sound a bit too much of a laugh. Serious topic that has a detrimental effect on a lot of peoples life should perhaps not be addressed so lightly.
A decent entertaining read but can’t help feeling that there are some large holes in his accounts and that he makes it sound a bit too much of a laugh. Serious topic that has a detrimental effect on a lot of peoples life should perhaps not be addressed so lightly.
May 9, 2023
Far too much waxing dolphins
January 11, 2023
A laugh-out-loud book which was very easy to read and I subsequently raced through. I was loaned The Magic Man’s work from Liam and there are some great stories within it.
Incidentally, I was pleased to read Merse speak highly of a pub I have also enjoyed in the past: The Bank of Friendship.
However, it was quite sad at times to see how bad addictions can torment someone’s life.
This is the second book titled: ‘How not to be a professional [insert respective sport]’ which I have read. Despite them not being related, I’m sure there are other athletes out there who haven’t always been on the straight and narrow…
Incidentally, I was pleased to read Merse speak highly of a pub I have also enjoyed in the past: The Bank of Friendship.
However, it was quite sad at times to see how bad addictions can torment someone’s life.
This is the second book titled: ‘How not to be a professional [insert respective sport]’ which I have read. Despite them not being related, I’m sure there are other athletes out there who haven’t always been on the straight and narrow…
August 21, 2025
I was very pleasantly surprised in how much I enjoyed this book. I’ve read Merse’s Hero and Villain about his time at the wonderful Aston Villa Football Club but this was a far more reflective account of his football career, addictions and humour. I’ve yet to read “hooked” the first book he wrote.
The book is set out in chapters as “life lessons” with rather humorous headings. Paul relates stories with some real characters of the game and talks us through his career into sky soccer Saturday ‘punditry.’
I learned a little too much about ‘waxing the dolphin’ (his words not mine 😳) and footballers’ down time but also got some insight into the demons he has battled through his addictions.
Highly readable. Highly recommended.
The book is set out in chapters as “life lessons” with rather humorous headings. Paul relates stories with some real characters of the game and talks us through his career into sky soccer Saturday ‘punditry.’
I learned a little too much about ‘waxing the dolphin’ (his words not mine 😳) and footballers’ down time but also got some insight into the demons he has battled through his addictions.
Highly readable. Highly recommended.
December 15, 2022
“I even ate a bounty bar once, just for the sake of it. I never eat bounty bars, they’re bloody horrible.”
It’s not the most high-brow book you’ll ever read but I did learn some valuable lessons e.g. what it means to ‘wax the dolphin’.
Some cracking stories juxtaposed with darker tales of an addict.
You pretty much know what you’re going to get with this book and it doesn’t disappoint. An easy read for any football fan.
Only annoyance is his constant hyperbole ‘gazillion miles an hour’, ‘billion pounds a week’, ‘a million degrees’, etc. That and an overuse of the word “paro”.
Otherwise very easy reading.
**Do not read if you’re Glen Johnson**
It’s not the most high-brow book you’ll ever read but I did learn some valuable lessons e.g. what it means to ‘wax the dolphin’.
Some cracking stories juxtaposed with darker tales of an addict.
You pretty much know what you’re going to get with this book and it doesn’t disappoint. An easy read for any football fan.
Only annoyance is his constant hyperbole ‘gazillion miles an hour’, ‘billion pounds a week’, ‘a million degrees’, etc. That and an overuse of the word “paro”.
Otherwise very easy reading.
**Do not read if you’re Glen Johnson**
March 25, 2015
My team, Middlesbrough, signed Paul Merson when we got relegated in 1997. A direct replacement for Juninho, it quickly became apparent that Merse had a fraction of the Little Fella's silky skill, but bagging an Arsenal footballer with league titles under his belt was nevertheless exciting, and he definitely played a big part in getting us promoted. When he moved on, to Aston Villa the following season, it was acrimonious because their manager John Gregory was such a dislikeable chap and it felt like the player had been tapped up, but mainly I think because we'd grown to love Merse and didn't want him to go.
What was less well known about him, though it had been all over the tabloids, was his close relationship with the booze, the bookies and the coke, or at least the extent of his addiction. Knowing that, in hindsight the player's decision to move to Boro and work for a renowned lad's lad like Bryan Robson was probably not the best, compounded by the later signing of Paul Gascoigne and, to top it all off, getting the pair to share a house. The story of how Merson made it through his year and a bit at the Riverside, giving in to temptation far too often, is covered here in frank detail. What's worse are the impressions he had of the set-up, the contrast with Arsenal that showed just how a genuinely big club operated against the 'suck it and see' approach adopted by Robson.
Elsewhere, what I like about the book is the colloquial style, the number of sentences that start with 'Mate' or 'Oh my God', as though Merse is at the bar, telling us his story in person rather than on the page. There's no attempt at literary thrills, just a lad chatting about episodes from his life in a way that's tinged with regret though never apologetic. Merson's someone who knows he had what most of us can only dream of possessing and pissed it away. The anecdotes are laddish, rarely genuinely funny and occasionally very dangerous, such as the 'red wine sleeping pills' game he's encouraged to play with Gazza, but then tales of drinking constantly to excess and chucking thousands on the gees are never really meant to be humorous, are they?
There are some smart observations about life at Arsenal, his love for George Graham - I hesitate to use the word 'respect' because it seems the manager tried to rebuke Merson for his antics many times and it was never a lesson that was learned. It's nice also to find someone who had time and good things to say for Glenn Hoddle's time as England manager, not to mention Eileen Drewery and her 'healing hands.'
The impression I'm left with is of someone who hasn't really learned a thing from his experiences, apart from where Charlie's concerned thank goodness, and there's actually something rather refreshing about that. I couldn't blame him if he lamented the lost millions, the element of wasted talent and messing up the chances he was given, but instead Merse blames no one, cites it all as the product of personality flaws and lives to fight another day. At the end of the book, I liked him a lot more than before I picked it up.
What was less well known about him, though it had been all over the tabloids, was his close relationship with the booze, the bookies and the coke, or at least the extent of his addiction. Knowing that, in hindsight the player's decision to move to Boro and work for a renowned lad's lad like Bryan Robson was probably not the best, compounded by the later signing of Paul Gascoigne and, to top it all off, getting the pair to share a house. The story of how Merson made it through his year and a bit at the Riverside, giving in to temptation far too often, is covered here in frank detail. What's worse are the impressions he had of the set-up, the contrast with Arsenal that showed just how a genuinely big club operated against the 'suck it and see' approach adopted by Robson.
Elsewhere, what I like about the book is the colloquial style, the number of sentences that start with 'Mate' or 'Oh my God', as though Merse is at the bar, telling us his story in person rather than on the page. There's no attempt at literary thrills, just a lad chatting about episodes from his life in a way that's tinged with regret though never apologetic. Merson's someone who knows he had what most of us can only dream of possessing and pissed it away. The anecdotes are laddish, rarely genuinely funny and occasionally very dangerous, such as the 'red wine sleeping pills' game he's encouraged to play with Gazza, but then tales of drinking constantly to excess and chucking thousands on the gees are never really meant to be humorous, are they?
There are some smart observations about life at Arsenal, his love for George Graham - I hesitate to use the word 'respect' because it seems the manager tried to rebuke Merson for his antics many times and it was never a lesson that was learned. It's nice also to find someone who had time and good things to say for Glenn Hoddle's time as England manager, not to mention Eileen Drewery and her 'healing hands.'
The impression I'm left with is of someone who hasn't really learned a thing from his experiences, apart from where Charlie's concerned thank goodness, and there's actually something rather refreshing about that. I couldn't blame him if he lamented the lost millions, the element of wasted talent and messing up the chances he was given, but instead Merse blames no one, cites it all as the product of personality flaws and lives to fight another day. At the end of the book, I liked him a lot more than before I picked it up.
July 18, 2015
This was an entertaining and eye-opening read. I am very shocked but pleased that Paul Merson survived to tell the tale but I hope he has now found a way to enjoy his life without the binges and gambling. I am very fond of him and want to hear his pronunciations on Soccer Saturday and Fantasy Football for years to come.
September 20, 2012
Paul Merson's choice of title and picture deplicts the contents of his book very well. Merson was definitely not a Bobby Charlton model professional and this book tells you how far away from that he was! Funny and well worth a read for anyone who misses the characters that football used to produce before it became so serious.
April 23, 2018
Absolutely cracking depiction of the lifestyle of a professional English footballer in and around the 1990s. Paul Merson is an Arsenal legend whose off-the-field antics were just as noteworthy as his sporting accomplishments, tho perhaps in a far different context. Merse is a larger than life figure who was as well known for his ebullient personality as for his skill. Fewer, at the time, had any notion of his problems with drinking, drugs and gambling. To his credit, he came to realize that these were addictions and voluntarily sought help: this book is as much a cautionary tale promoting addiction awareness as it is a hilarious behind-the-scenes look at his storied career.
In all honesty, Merse had already left Arsenal by the time I (finally, belatedly) became interested in the game, so he was always a part of my team's history and not my reality. This book does a great job of making me feel a greater connection to his role as an Arsenal man, as well as the club's pre-Wenger history. I actually bought this book for myself and the bff when it went on sale around Christmastime last year, but hadn't had time to read it till Arsene's announcement of resignation on 4/20 made that date a perpetual day of mourning in my household. Finally picking up How Not To Be A Professional Footballer to read in the wake of it was a lovely way to cheer myself up. Because, first and foremost, this book is hilarious. Granted, if you're not interested in English football, some of the references might fly right on by, but I hung on every piece of Arsenal gossip that graced the pages (tho that caffeine pill! Yikes!) I also really enjoyed Merse's blunt but never ungenerous depictions of the people around him, as well as his honesty in depicting his own shortcomings. He's a remarkably brave man for exposing himself the way he does here, and I admire him all the more for it.
HNTBAPF might not be as celebrated a book as other sports biographies but it's a must-read for Gooners and for any sports fans who enjoy a healthy dose of humor with their sport. I'm just grateful I had a chance to get to know an Arsenal legend better, to help incorporate more of my club's proud and gracious history into my present.
In all honesty, Merse had already left Arsenal by the time I (finally, belatedly) became interested in the game, so he was always a part of my team's history and not my reality. This book does a great job of making me feel a greater connection to his role as an Arsenal man, as well as the club's pre-Wenger history. I actually bought this book for myself and the bff when it went on sale around Christmastime last year, but hadn't had time to read it till Arsene's announcement of resignation on 4/20 made that date a perpetual day of mourning in my household. Finally picking up How Not To Be A Professional Footballer to read in the wake of it was a lovely way to cheer myself up. Because, first and foremost, this book is hilarious. Granted, if you're not interested in English football, some of the references might fly right on by, but I hung on every piece of Arsenal gossip that graced the pages (tho that caffeine pill! Yikes!) I also really enjoyed Merse's blunt but never ungenerous depictions of the people around him, as well as his honesty in depicting his own shortcomings. He's a remarkably brave man for exposing himself the way he does here, and I admire him all the more for it.
HNTBAPF might not be as celebrated a book as other sports biographies but it's a must-read for Gooners and for any sports fans who enjoy a healthy dose of humor with their sport. I'm just grateful I had a chance to get to know an Arsenal legend better, to help incorporate more of my club's proud and gracious history into my present.
December 20, 2017
'How Not to Be a Professional Footballer' is a bit of a mixed bag. Or, to use a Mersonism, a bag of Revels.
The criticisms: the tales of drunkenness are boring (and there are a lot of them). Anecdotes about footballers getting drunk are no more interesting than anecdotes about electricians getting drunk. In addition, it feels like there are omissions from this book. Women, for instance. We learn the names of Merson's two ex-wives and that they left him due to his addictions and that's it. Are we seriously to believe that no women ever threw themselves at an Arsenal and England footballer when he was out boozing? Was he never tempted? This book is a 99.99% male environment and weaker for it.
The strengths: the chapters about Merson's gambling and drug addictions and subsequent rehab are eye-opening and startling, precisely because they're original and revelatory. Although Merson has done plenty of stupid, ridiculous things, you warm to him because he admits to his weaknesses. His therapist in rehab tells him, 'You are without doubt the most pathological gambler we've ever had come through here'. In a number of ways, he's lucky to be alive.
After reading this book, I felt like I'd had a chat with Paul Merson and he'd told me most of his darkest secrets. I sincerely hope he's happy and healthy in his life right now.
The criticisms: the tales of drunkenness are boring (and there are a lot of them). Anecdotes about footballers getting drunk are no more interesting than anecdotes about electricians getting drunk. In addition, it feels like there are omissions from this book. Women, for instance. We learn the names of Merson's two ex-wives and that they left him due to his addictions and that's it. Are we seriously to believe that no women ever threw themselves at an Arsenal and England footballer when he was out boozing? Was he never tempted? This book is a 99.99% male environment and weaker for it.
The strengths: the chapters about Merson's gambling and drug addictions and subsequent rehab are eye-opening and startling, precisely because they're original and revelatory. Although Merson has done plenty of stupid, ridiculous things, you warm to him because he admits to his weaknesses. His therapist in rehab tells him, 'You are without doubt the most pathological gambler we've ever had come through here'. In a number of ways, he's lucky to be alive.
After reading this book, I felt like I'd had a chat with Paul Merson and he'd told me most of his darkest secrets. I sincerely hope he's happy and healthy in his life right now.
June 15, 2017
Very entertaining, even if you're not that into football. Merson is unsparing on himself when it comes to his addictions of both gambling and booze, but the book is written from a distance. He describes what he goes through and what type of person that he is, but this is no trip into a Heart of Darkness. You leave the book thinking yes, he had it tough, but he actually quite enjoyed the ride. And there's one glaring omission in this tale of gambling, wine, women and song - the women. Apart from his wives, he clearly never met any others. Right. It makes you wonder what else is being glossed over?
April 12, 2020
A fairly disappointing autobiography from someone who has a very high opinion of themselves, who is aware of their shortcomings (addictions) but likes to pass it off as just "the way he is", a right mad lad....
I'm a massive fan of sports and music autobiographies with a bit of dirt and boozy stories, so this has enough amusing football stories for me to finish the book, but Merson's love of the hyperbole throughout the entire book is pretty taxing: "it was a hot day. A million degrees".
Cracking footballer though!
I'm a massive fan of sports and music autobiographies with a bit of dirt and boozy stories, so this has enough amusing football stories for me to finish the book, but Merson's love of the hyperbole throughout the entire book is pretty taxing: "it was a hot day. A million degrees".
Cracking footballer though!
November 22, 2021
The life Paul Merson is pretty crazy. Many people my age will know him from his Soccer Saturday antics but not realise just how good a footballer he was. Now I don’t want to throw the term ‘wasted talent’ out there as he won 2 leagues, a Cup Winners Cup and multiple domestic cups but it is clear he could’ve won more if it wasn’t for his demons. I’ve always like Merse but after this book my respect for him as grown massively, to go as deep as he did into the addictions and still be alive today is truly incredible. You just have to read the stories for yourself to see what I mean. Great read.
August 17, 2017
Complete nutter
merson did loads of bad stuff, but he was also a talented footballer, having a addictive personality meant he couldn't stop when started. This is one of the saddest but funniest books, he reminds me of a kid wanting everything in the toy store. It is a book for footie fans who understand the pressure of the game, and the pitfalls and prizes that come with it.
merson did loads of bad stuff, but he was also a talented footballer, having a addictive personality meant he couldn't stop when started. This is one of the saddest but funniest books, he reminds me of a kid wanting everything in the toy store. It is a book for footie fans who understand the pressure of the game, and the pitfalls and prizes that come with it.
August 8, 2018
Excellent book with some really funny memories
The book was written in a frank manner with nothing held back, unlike some others I have read in the past where they have lied to make themselves look better.
Some of the tales from Merse's career were very amusing indeed. Well worth a read and I really appreciate his honesty.
The book was written in a frank manner with nothing held back, unlike some others I have read in the past where they have lied to make themselves look better.
Some of the tales from Merse's career were very amusing indeed. Well worth a read and I really appreciate his honesty.
December 16, 2018
How football really was back then
What a great read, drugs, booze, football, gambling, now that’s a proper footballer.
An honest account from paul. I do like to read about the game and players from the 80’s through to the 90’s it’s when footballers and football was a proper game. And what they got up to makes it any book like this a great read
What a great read, drugs, booze, football, gambling, now that’s a proper footballer.
An honest account from paul. I do like to read about the game and players from the 80’s through to the 90’s it’s when footballers and football was a proper game. And what they got up to makes it any book like this a great read
March 3, 2022
Full of tales and anecdotes from the career of one of the most well known misfits of the early Premier League years, Merson lifts the lid on his drinking, gambling and drugs in his own jovial way. There are some dark times, some happy times, some laughs and some tears, and the book is a very easy read.
I think Hooked is a far greater insight into the man, but this book helps underline some of his issues and how they made him tick, how they were a part of him rather than a hindrance at times. Arsenal fans will love this, Walsall fans probably less so.
People tend to love or hate Merson. For what it's worth, I think he's a terrible pundit, but then admire him for having the courage and confidence to voice his opinion, and also show the character and strength to overcome some of his demons.
I think Hooked is a far greater insight into the man, but this book helps underline some of his issues and how they made him tick, how they were a part of him rather than a hindrance at times. Arsenal fans will love this, Walsall fans probably less so.
People tend to love or hate Merson. For what it's worth, I think he's a terrible pundit, but then admire him for having the courage and confidence to voice his opinion, and also show the character and strength to overcome some of his demons.
July 3, 2023
Fascinating
I was a fan of Paul Merson while he was playing. From when I started watching football in the early 90s. Having read this I was left fascinated by what he actually got up to. How he lived to tell his tale is beyond me. But I'm very glad that he did. An excellent biography. Well done Merse
I was a fan of Paul Merson while he was playing. From when I started watching football in the early 90s. Having read this I was left fascinated by what he actually got up to. How he lived to tell his tale is beyond me. But I'm very glad that he did. An excellent biography. Well done Merse
April 11, 2025
An easy and very entertaining read tinged with sadness at what can happen when a young footballer doesn’t have the right support network. Or alternatively, how someone manages to beat addictions that could otherwise have killed him. Tough at times but mostly light hearted. A must read for any Arsenal fan.
September 24, 2025
Started and finished date – 21.09.25 to 24.09.25.
My rating – Two Stars.
This book was but very boring and I think people who like how to be a footballer by Peter Crouch or ask a footballer by James Milner may like is book also I hate the cover of book. The writing was okay and easy to follow. The paced of book was well structured and I found this book interesting but bit repetitive
My rating – Two Stars.
This book was but very boring and I think people who like how to be a footballer by Peter Crouch or ask a footballer by James Milner may like is book also I hate the cover of book. The writing was okay and easy to follow. The paced of book was well structured and I found this book interesting but bit repetitive
February 10, 2021
Honest Account
Honest account of Mersons Life in Football and although he had a good career in Football what could be have achieved if he did not press self destruct as often as he did
Honest account of Mersons Life in Football and although he had a good career in Football what could be have achieved if he did not press self destruct as often as he did
January 14, 2022
Good read if you like a players story of life on the edge
Good read if you like a players story of life on the edge, honest and a look into his life with ups and downs. personally I enjoyed it .
Good read if you like a players story of life on the edge, honest and a look into his life with ups and downs. personally I enjoyed it .
Read
October 25, 2022A great read. Merson tells a story as well as he played.
A very interesting and insightful read into Paul Merson's life story. Full of great stories and a real laugh from start to finish.
A very interesting and insightful read into Paul Merson's life story. Full of great stories and a real laugh from start to finish.
August 3, 2024
This was a good quick read from a player I'm well aware of. The book flys along with a refreshing honesty and plenty of humour despite the personal situations Merson found him in. Some good stories about clubs and other footballing personalities make for an entertaining read for all football fans.
January 15, 2025
I’ve enjoyed a number of biographies of sports stars from the 80s and 90s as they are normally full of interesting stories. Whilst I feel sorry for Merson, there was too much Jack the lad throughout which ultimately left me feeling ‘what a waste’.
September 10, 2017
A good laugh
As an Arsenal fan of the same age as Merse, I found the book related to my growing up with Arsenal. Great names in the book also to prod the memory.
As an Arsenal fan of the same age as Merse, I found the book related to my growing up with Arsenal. Great names in the book also to prod the memory.
September 10, 2017
A very funny book (with serious undertones in terms of the dangers of addiction) - many memorable anecdotes all read to me by Wanless Jr each night over the last few weeks.
November 6, 2017
Real eye opener. Very funny and a good insight into the world of a 90s/00s footballer. Tells the story of how you can have everything, just for an addiction to rip it all away.
August 11, 2020
Hilarious.
November 30, 2020
This was a bit different to most of the football biographies I have read as it was more about the drink, drugs and gambling than it was about the football. Mr. Merson is quite a character.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews