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Why Men Hate Going to Church
“Church is boring.” “It’s irrelevant.” “It’s full of hypocrites.” You’ve heard the excuses—now learn the real reasons men and boys are fleeing churches of every kind, all over the world, and what we can do about it. Women comprise more than 60% of the adults in a typical worship service in America. Some overseas congregations report ten women for every man in attendance. Men are less likely to lead, volunteer, and give in the church. They pray less, share their faith less, and read the Bible less. In Why Men Hate Going to Church , David Murrow identifies the barriers keeping many men from going to church, explains why it’s so hard to motivate the men who do attend, and also takes you inside several fast-growing congregations that are winning the hearts of men and boys. In this completely revised, reorganized, and rewritten edition of the classic book, with more than 70 percent new content, explore topics Men need the church but, more importantly, the church needs men. The presence of enthusiastic men is one of the surest predictors of church health, growth, giving, and expansion. Why Men Hate Going to Church does not call men back to church—it calls the church back to men.
256 pages, Paperback
First published March 22, 2005
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November 9, 2011
In this updated edition of his 2005 book Why Men Hate Going to Church David Murrow has addressed a real, verifiable problem. Men don’t go to church, at least not in the numbers that women do. Why is this? Are Women more spiritual than men? Less fallen? No, but among the various factors that keep men out of the pews, Murrow finds that the church have soft-pedaled parts of the gospel painting Jesus as the gentle lamb of God without also showing us that He is the Lion of Judah, ferocious and wild. He asserts that if the church is to recapture the culture, grow, fulfill its mission, take risks, do something significant, be more orthodox, cultivate commitment among the youth, then we need to retool how we do church in ways that appeal more to men and make them feel like church is worthwhile.
What Murrow attempts to do in these pages is point out the lack of men in church, identify some of the ways that church culture has excluded men, and offer some practical advice on how to make church more man friendly. I applaud this goal. The issues he speaks of are real and if men are to be encouraged to pursue a real and vibrant faith, clearly this means doing ministry in ways that speak to men. A promise keeper’s male hug-fest doesn’t translate to more men in the church. Murrow tries to put his finger on the pulse of what does. For this I applaud him. And so, what is the problem? Several in fact:
1. Murrow bases his analysis on unhelpful gender stereotypes garnered from pop-psychology. In chapter one, Murrow makes the case that the church displays feminine values because Christian values. Murrow utilizes Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus to make his point that culturally, the Church is seen as feminine. Women value things like communication, connection, beauty, whereas men are all about power, efficiency, proving oneself and skills. While I think John Gray makes important distinctions in the way men and women are socialized, I think it is a mistake to absolutize his claims. If men are to thrive in life, the so-called feminine characteristics he describes are what will enable it. Without the ability to empathize, and relate to others (feminine traits), a man demonstrates a low E.Q. and will not succeed in business or life. This is what a number of popular business books are telling us guys. Men are not simply task master automatons; they are also relational beings. I have a problem with a book about men which begins with an assumption which denies their full humanity.
2. While Feminization is a problem in the church, Murrow fails to see that it is actually a broad cultural problem, not a simple ecclesial problem. At one point, he does acknowledge that women are starting to be a significant portion of the academic world is also excluding men. This is a societal problem. Men are withdrawing from business, from academic institutions and the church. This book addresses the problem in the church in isolation from culture. Therefore Murrow’s analysis is flawed from the get-go.
3. Murrow’s use of statistics is irresponsible. Well, at least he is inconsistent. Some of his stats are good; sometimes he relies on non-scientific polls to make his point. Other times he draws conclusions from stats that are not judicious. For example, when 11 out of 95 men leaving a sportsman show think that church is not masculine, this is hardly compelling evidence of how feminine the church is. Let me be clear, I agree the feminization of the church is a real problem; yet most of the data Murrow sites is more anecdotal than empirical.
4. Sometimes Murrow fails to accurately name the reasons for the problems he sees. For example, he rightly points out that the biggest gender disparity he sees, is in African-American churches. What is the reason? Gay pastors, the formal and traditional dress of African-American churches, and the length of their services are Murrow’s answer(91, 109, 159). While there may be some truth to his answers, this fails to account for the wider societal issue of the absence of the African-American male. African-American males are under educated, under represented in the workforce, do not have the political clout of African-American women. They are the highest representative demographic of men in prison. Murrow’s analysis doesn’t account for any of this. It makes me think that much of what he says is more conjecture than actually helpful.
5. Murrow operates on the assumption that because something is cultural feminine, it excludes men and therefore we need to do something different for them. I agree up to a point. But he makes the case that men are uncomfortable with physical affection, talking about their ‘relationship’ with God or being in intimate settings with other people. He suggests mega-churches attract men because they feel unthreatened and can be anonymous. Okay. But is this good for men? Personally, opening up relationally and talking about uncomfortable things has been my biggest growth edge in my ‘relationship’ with God. I get that some of relational language can be seen by macho-men as a little bit ‘candy-ass,’ but honestly relational language captures the experiential reality of what it means to walk with God. Murrow would argue that we should abandon the unbiblical language of ‘personal relationship’ which sounds icky to men and anyway is not biblical, to the harder more challenging language of discipleship. I agree that to be a Christian is to come to grips to what it means to be a disciple, but this does not fully encompass our life with God. Jesus himself said to his disciples, “I no longer call you disciples but I call you friends (John 15:15).” There is a personal relationship at the core of how we relate to Jesus. If men object to the language of ‘personal relationship,’ they still need to contend with Biblical language which commends intimacy and friendship. If this is problematic for the would be disciple, maybe they need to let go of some of their gender stereotyping. Man up! Having a personal relationship with Jesus doesn’t make you less of a man, or overtly feminine. It makes you a member of the new humanity. You want to be a man, have a personal relationship with Jesus. You don’t want to do that? Then die in your impotent idea of manhood with its antiquated appropriation of gender stereotypes.
6. As long as I am mentioning language, another place where Murrow gets this wrong is when he eschews the language of ‘family of God.’ He rightly, if woodenly literal, points out that Jesus never used the term ‘family of God; instead he talked about the Kingdom of God. I personally have no issue using Kingdom language, but to dismiss family of God as simply something that appeals to the feminine, fails to emphasis our relationality to one another. To be in the church, is to be connected to other Christians in ways more profound than our marriages or family of origin. The fact that Jesus never says, “family of God” doesn’t illegitimatize the term. Jesus does say, “Those who do the will of the Father are my brother, sister and mother. (Matthew 12:50)” My guess that this statement is more offensive to women than men. Paul, Peter, James and John all use the term ‘brothers’ to refer to those in the church. When you think of the church. this is your family. It is a theological truth for Christians, not gendered language aimed to draw women into the church and exclude men. It is a fact for those who would call Christ their Lord and want to be his disciples.
7. On a personal note, I like church. I am bummed if I miss church. According to Murrow’s analysis, the fact that I like church, thrive in church, have good verbal skills and am relational is because I am feminine. My schmaltzy talk-about-your-feelings-pastoral nature fits well in church and its girly. Well Murrow here is a newsflash. I am all man. I am so manly that other men cower when I walk to a room. If you are a man reading this now, I know you are intimidated. I’m just saying.
This isn’t to say all the advice that Murrow gives on how to reach men is bad. Some of it is pretty helpful. He talks about providing places where men feel like they are offering something significant and are taking leadership. He also offers some helpful tips on teaching that connects with men. Occasionally he overstates his advice like when he says don’t allow churches to display flowers because it’s too feminine and men feel uncomfortable. If your church doesn’t look like a bed and breakfast probably most men can handle a few bouquets. I find the inherent sexism in his analysis problematic, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get some things right.
Thanks to Thomas Nelson (via Booksneeze) for giving me this review copy in exchange for my review. I was not asked to write a positive review of this book. So I didn’t.
What Murrow attempts to do in these pages is point out the lack of men in church, identify some of the ways that church culture has excluded men, and offer some practical advice on how to make church more man friendly. I applaud this goal. The issues he speaks of are real and if men are to be encouraged to pursue a real and vibrant faith, clearly this means doing ministry in ways that speak to men. A promise keeper’s male hug-fest doesn’t translate to more men in the church. Murrow tries to put his finger on the pulse of what does. For this I applaud him. And so, what is the problem? Several in fact:
1. Murrow bases his analysis on unhelpful gender stereotypes garnered from pop-psychology. In chapter one, Murrow makes the case that the church displays feminine values because Christian values. Murrow utilizes Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus to make his point that culturally, the Church is seen as feminine. Women value things like communication, connection, beauty, whereas men are all about power, efficiency, proving oneself and skills. While I think John Gray makes important distinctions in the way men and women are socialized, I think it is a mistake to absolutize his claims. If men are to thrive in life, the so-called feminine characteristics he describes are what will enable it. Without the ability to empathize, and relate to others (feminine traits), a man demonstrates a low E.Q. and will not succeed in business or life. This is what a number of popular business books are telling us guys. Men are not simply task master automatons; they are also relational beings. I have a problem with a book about men which begins with an assumption which denies their full humanity.
2. While Feminization is a problem in the church, Murrow fails to see that it is actually a broad cultural problem, not a simple ecclesial problem. At one point, he does acknowledge that women are starting to be a significant portion of the academic world is also excluding men. This is a societal problem. Men are withdrawing from business, from academic institutions and the church. This book addresses the problem in the church in isolation from culture. Therefore Murrow’s analysis is flawed from the get-go.
3. Murrow’s use of statistics is irresponsible. Well, at least he is inconsistent. Some of his stats are good; sometimes he relies on non-scientific polls to make his point. Other times he draws conclusions from stats that are not judicious. For example, when 11 out of 95 men leaving a sportsman show think that church is not masculine, this is hardly compelling evidence of how feminine the church is. Let me be clear, I agree the feminization of the church is a real problem; yet most of the data Murrow sites is more anecdotal than empirical.
4. Sometimes Murrow fails to accurately name the reasons for the problems he sees. For example, he rightly points out that the biggest gender disparity he sees, is in African-American churches. What is the reason? Gay pastors, the formal and traditional dress of African-American churches, and the length of their services are Murrow’s answer(91, 109, 159). While there may be some truth to his answers, this fails to account for the wider societal issue of the absence of the African-American male. African-American males are under educated, under represented in the workforce, do not have the political clout of African-American women. They are the highest representative demographic of men in prison. Murrow’s analysis doesn’t account for any of this. It makes me think that much of what he says is more conjecture than actually helpful.
5. Murrow operates on the assumption that because something is cultural feminine, it excludes men and therefore we need to do something different for them. I agree up to a point. But he makes the case that men are uncomfortable with physical affection, talking about their ‘relationship’ with God or being in intimate settings with other people. He suggests mega-churches attract men because they feel unthreatened and can be anonymous. Okay. But is this good for men? Personally, opening up relationally and talking about uncomfortable things has been my biggest growth edge in my ‘relationship’ with God. I get that some of relational language can be seen by macho-men as a little bit ‘candy-ass,’ but honestly relational language captures the experiential reality of what it means to walk with God. Murrow would argue that we should abandon the unbiblical language of ‘personal relationship’ which sounds icky to men and anyway is not biblical, to the harder more challenging language of discipleship. I agree that to be a Christian is to come to grips to what it means to be a disciple, but this does not fully encompass our life with God. Jesus himself said to his disciples, “I no longer call you disciples but I call you friends (John 15:15).” There is a personal relationship at the core of how we relate to Jesus. If men object to the language of ‘personal relationship,’ they still need to contend with Biblical language which commends intimacy and friendship. If this is problematic for the would be disciple, maybe they need to let go of some of their gender stereotyping. Man up! Having a personal relationship with Jesus doesn’t make you less of a man, or overtly feminine. It makes you a member of the new humanity. You want to be a man, have a personal relationship with Jesus. You don’t want to do that? Then die in your impotent idea of manhood with its antiquated appropriation of gender stereotypes.
6. As long as I am mentioning language, another place where Murrow gets this wrong is when he eschews the language of ‘family of God.’ He rightly, if woodenly literal, points out that Jesus never used the term ‘family of God; instead he talked about the Kingdom of God. I personally have no issue using Kingdom language, but to dismiss family of God as simply something that appeals to the feminine, fails to emphasis our relationality to one another. To be in the church, is to be connected to other Christians in ways more profound than our marriages or family of origin. The fact that Jesus never says, “family of God” doesn’t illegitimatize the term. Jesus does say, “Those who do the will of the Father are my brother, sister and mother. (Matthew 12:50)” My guess that this statement is more offensive to women than men. Paul, Peter, James and John all use the term ‘brothers’ to refer to those in the church. When you think of the church. this is your family. It is a theological truth for Christians, not gendered language aimed to draw women into the church and exclude men. It is a fact for those who would call Christ their Lord and want to be his disciples.
7. On a personal note, I like church. I am bummed if I miss church. According to Murrow’s analysis, the fact that I like church, thrive in church, have good verbal skills and am relational is because I am feminine. My schmaltzy talk-about-your-feelings-pastoral nature fits well in church and its girly. Well Murrow here is a newsflash. I am all man. I am so manly that other men cower when I walk to a room. If you are a man reading this now, I know you are intimidated. I’m just saying.
This isn’t to say all the advice that Murrow gives on how to reach men is bad. Some of it is pretty helpful. He talks about providing places where men feel like they are offering something significant and are taking leadership. He also offers some helpful tips on teaching that connects with men. Occasionally he overstates his advice like when he says don’t allow churches to display flowers because it’s too feminine and men feel uncomfortable. If your church doesn’t look like a bed and breakfast probably most men can handle a few bouquets. I find the inherent sexism in his analysis problematic, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get some things right.
Thanks to Thomas Nelson (via Booksneeze) for giving me this review copy in exchange for my review. I was not asked to write a positive review of this book. So I didn’t.
October 27, 2021
The last third of this book actually has some helpful advice on how to make the church more welcoming for men and I think it has some ministry principles embedded in it that I could really use. Why the low rating then? It’s almost impressive how poorly this book has aged.
Complete with its glowing review of Mark Driscoll, the book drips with a 2005 mega-church misogyny that left me genuinely furious at several points during reading. I guess it’s hard to walk that fine line between stereotyping and accurately portraying brain differences between men and women but it shouldn’t be hard to walk the line of not making horribly offensive jokes or making the claims that “being loved by God” or “saved by God” is “too gay.” At times I was left feeling genuinely shocked at how fragile Murrow assumes most men’s masculinity is. I’m scared he’s right, but if he is, is accommodating that by eliminating language of love, humility, and weakness really Gospel-driven? Heck No!
If he’s right that men see “a relationship with God” as “too gay” then I don’t think the solution is to inject the church with more testosterone, but perhaps to unpack the blatant homophobia and insecurity behind such ridiculous beliefs!
I get it. Men prefer to build friendships side by side rather than face to face. Object lessons, humor, and calls to action are all important. I’m on board with all that! But we can’t coddle the minds of people who see any sort of humility or passive receptivity as “too feminine.” That’s just bad theology! We’ve got to call men to “man up” by being humble recipients of God’s love! Yes that involves courageous action but it also involves admitting you’re wrong, sinful, and spiritually helpless and calling out in desperate need. That’s not “feminine.” It’s Christian.
*insert rant on why La Vida is a beautiful combination of adventure and vulnerability that so many young men and women can grow from
Complete with its glowing review of Mark Driscoll, the book drips with a 2005 mega-church misogyny that left me genuinely furious at several points during reading. I guess it’s hard to walk that fine line between stereotyping and accurately portraying brain differences between men and women but it shouldn’t be hard to walk the line of not making horribly offensive jokes or making the claims that “being loved by God” or “saved by God” is “too gay.” At times I was left feeling genuinely shocked at how fragile Murrow assumes most men’s masculinity is. I’m scared he’s right, but if he is, is accommodating that by eliminating language of love, humility, and weakness really Gospel-driven? Heck No!
If he’s right that men see “a relationship with God” as “too gay” then I don’t think the solution is to inject the church with more testosterone, but perhaps to unpack the blatant homophobia and insecurity behind such ridiculous beliefs!
I get it. Men prefer to build friendships side by side rather than face to face. Object lessons, humor, and calls to action are all important. I’m on board with all that! But we can’t coddle the minds of people who see any sort of humility or passive receptivity as “too feminine.” That’s just bad theology! We’ve got to call men to “man up” by being humble recipients of God’s love! Yes that involves courageous action but it also involves admitting you’re wrong, sinful, and spiritually helpless and calling out in desperate need. That’s not “feminine.” It’s Christian.
*insert rant on why La Vida is a beautiful combination of adventure and vulnerability that so many young men and women can grow from
November 18, 2011
Hmm, another book where it's tough to know where to begin. I guess with a summary:
This book is about why men hate going to church. Specifically, it walks through some historical and psychological reasons men don't go to church, and then through some possible solutions.
This book is well written, so it gets three stars (my rock-solid rule of book rating is that if you can string two sentences together in a way that keeps me reading, you get the average- it's a rare enough skill that it ought to be praised when encountered).
Having said that, I do not actually recommend any of the content of this book. Let me just suggest three reasons why:
1) Ultimately the theme of the book is that men don't go to church... because they are men. Which wouldn't be a problem, other than that Murrow believes that the church since the Victorian Era has been in a steady process of feminizing. He points out that the vast majority of church programs and institutions in the 20th century are either geared towards women or require more feminine virtues to implement. This drives men away, or at best makes them grudging attendees. What Murrow fails to point out is that most of these men wouldn't go anyway not because their biggest problem is their gender, but because they are sinners. It is not our masculinity that keeps us from God, it's our rebellion against him. We don't go to church because by nature we hate God and don't want anything to do with him.
2)The bulk of the statistics he quotes are from mainline Protestant churches, as are the majority of his solutions. The fact that he focuses on theologically liberal churches is in itself enough to skew the book to the point where it essentially has no value for a Christian. If churches where the Gospel is being regularly and faithfully preached are having problems keeping men in the seats (and they might very well be), that's a very different issue than a bunch of social clubs who gave Christianity the boot a hundred years ago (and hence really lost the right to be called "churches") having trouble keeping men interested.
3) There is no Gospel in this book. Not only in the sense that it is not shared, it does not work its way into Murrow's writings even by implication, nor is it part of his proposed solution. In one sense, Christians should be like Sunday School kids who know that the answer to every question is the atoning work of Jesus. Murrow thinks that t he solution to the lack of attendance at churchon the part of men is making church more attractive to them. He never once points out that the problem might be with the men. Maybe we don't go to church because we're lazy, or because we're proud, or because we're simply distracted by other good things that we think are more important. To any of these problems, the solution that Christianity has to offer (and has always had to offer, it's not like this is a radically new thing) is the Good News that our sin has been paid for on the cross. Our laziness, our pride, our distraction, all of our sin in wanting to forsake the church has been completely paid for, and not by us. That, and that alone, is the message that we should be relying on to bring men back into the church. Of course there are other things that we can do better, but if the Gospel is left out we might as well lock the doors now, because we're not doing anyone any good, men or women. Without that, this can't even be classified as a "Christian" book in any sense of the term that would have any meaning.
I have to confess, this is a somewhat difficult review to write, since I agree with the bulk of Murrow's points. More men should go to church; praise bands do kind-of suck; I don't like being put on the spot to pray; lots of functions in the church are more geared towards women than men; and so on. Nevertheless, I can't recommend this as anything other than a well-written book. Hence: 3 stars.
Personal Disclaimer: I intend no comment one way or the other on the state of David Murrow's own relationship with God. Saying this is not a Christian book is not the same thing as saying he is not a Christian personally. That is not information to which I am privy.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
This book is about why men hate going to church. Specifically, it walks through some historical and psychological reasons men don't go to church, and then through some possible solutions.
This book is well written, so it gets three stars (my rock-solid rule of book rating is that if you can string two sentences together in a way that keeps me reading, you get the average- it's a rare enough skill that it ought to be praised when encountered).
Having said that, I do not actually recommend any of the content of this book. Let me just suggest three reasons why:
1) Ultimately the theme of the book is that men don't go to church... because they are men. Which wouldn't be a problem, other than that Murrow believes that the church since the Victorian Era has been in a steady process of feminizing. He points out that the vast majority of church programs and institutions in the 20th century are either geared towards women or require more feminine virtues to implement. This drives men away, or at best makes them grudging attendees. What Murrow fails to point out is that most of these men wouldn't go anyway not because their biggest problem is their gender, but because they are sinners. It is not our masculinity that keeps us from God, it's our rebellion against him. We don't go to church because by nature we hate God and don't want anything to do with him.
2)The bulk of the statistics he quotes are from mainline Protestant churches, as are the majority of his solutions. The fact that he focuses on theologically liberal churches is in itself enough to skew the book to the point where it essentially has no value for a Christian. If churches where the Gospel is being regularly and faithfully preached are having problems keeping men in the seats (and they might very well be), that's a very different issue than a bunch of social clubs who gave Christianity the boot a hundred years ago (and hence really lost the right to be called "churches") having trouble keeping men interested.
3) There is no Gospel in this book. Not only in the sense that it is not shared, it does not work its way into Murrow's writings even by implication, nor is it part of his proposed solution. In one sense, Christians should be like Sunday School kids who know that the answer to every question is the atoning work of Jesus. Murrow thinks that t he solution to the lack of attendance at churchon the part of men is making church more attractive to them. He never once points out that the problem might be with the men. Maybe we don't go to church because we're lazy, or because we're proud, or because we're simply distracted by other good things that we think are more important. To any of these problems, the solution that Christianity has to offer (and has always had to offer, it's not like this is a radically new thing) is the Good News that our sin has been paid for on the cross. Our laziness, our pride, our distraction, all of our sin in wanting to forsake the church has been completely paid for, and not by us. That, and that alone, is the message that we should be relying on to bring men back into the church. Of course there are other things that we can do better, but if the Gospel is left out we might as well lock the doors now, because we're not doing anyone any good, men or women. Without that, this can't even be classified as a "Christian" book in any sense of the term that would have any meaning.
I have to confess, this is a somewhat difficult review to write, since I agree with the bulk of Murrow's points. More men should go to church; praise bands do kind-of suck; I don't like being put on the spot to pray; lots of functions in the church are more geared towards women than men; and so on. Nevertheless, I can't recommend this as anything other than a well-written book. Hence: 3 stars.
Personal Disclaimer: I intend no comment one way or the other on the state of David Murrow's own relationship with God. Saying this is not a Christian book is not the same thing as saying he is not a Christian personally. That is not information to which I am privy.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
July 12, 2017
This book was interesting, and I have some mixed feelings. In this book Barrow discusses the things about church that tend to make men shy away, and the book gets 4 stars because he made so many good points. He writes about ways we tend to discourage a masculine spirit in our churches, and how this is leading to a significant disparity between the number of men and the number of women in America's churches. As a Christian wife and especially a mother to boys, this topic is pretty relevant to me and I was interested in the suggestions he made for what to look for in a church and what to avoid.
I agreed with a majority of his suggestions, with maybe just a few that I felt were somewhat off the mark. I listened to the audio, so I didn't have as much time to ponder every suggestion as I would if I'd read the text. There were a couple things about this book I didn't appreciate though.
1) He lumps all kinds of churches together when talking about how to bring men back, and there is no distinction between churches or teachings that are in line with God's word and those that are not. I think he was trying to make sure this discussion was relevant to every denomination, but he touched on some pretty controversial issues without taking a stance on them one way or another - I guess I just wish that there was more of a biblical basis or statement to accompany some of these hot-button issues. He only discussed them in terms of whether they would hinder or encourage men, not whether they were moral or biblical.
2) He gives statistics about the problem of the decreased number of men in churches, but he doesn't give any statistics to back up his suggestions about the elements that may cause men to leave, or what will bring them back. All his evidence is anecdotal or simply his own opinion. I would have liked to see a survey or something to address some of these factors more specifically, by asking unchurched men directly. I didn't disagree with a lot of his thoughts, but he didn't have a lot of substance to back up his statements, besides personal conversations and stories.
Despite those two complaints, I did think he had alot of good points and suggestions, and this book gave me a lot to think about.
I agreed with a majority of his suggestions, with maybe just a few that I felt were somewhat off the mark. I listened to the audio, so I didn't have as much time to ponder every suggestion as I would if I'd read the text. There were a couple things about this book I didn't appreciate though.
1) He lumps all kinds of churches together when talking about how to bring men back, and there is no distinction between churches or teachings that are in line with God's word and those that are not. I think he was trying to make sure this discussion was relevant to every denomination, but he touched on some pretty controversial issues without taking a stance on them one way or another - I guess I just wish that there was more of a biblical basis or statement to accompany some of these hot-button issues. He only discussed them in terms of whether they would hinder or encourage men, not whether they were moral or biblical.
2) He gives statistics about the problem of the decreased number of men in churches, but he doesn't give any statistics to back up his suggestions about the elements that may cause men to leave, or what will bring them back. All his evidence is anecdotal or simply his own opinion. I would have liked to see a survey or something to address some of these factors more specifically, by asking unchurched men directly. I didn't disagree with a lot of his thoughts, but he didn't have a lot of substance to back up his statements, besides personal conversations and stories.
Despite those two complaints, I did think he had alot of good points and suggestions, and this book gave me a lot to think about.
April 6, 2011
WOW. great book! and such an eye-opener. i have to say, i think this book may have shifted my perspective on ministry. in my heart i've known that i would eventually father other men, but this book really pointed that out even more and watered the seed in my heart.
the idea of the book is simple. men hate going to church because church in general is more of a feminine place. if you think about this, i think you'd agree. he has a lot of research to back this up, citing stats of church attendance in various denominations and even delving into science to explain why men's brains are different. his findings are very alarming for the church. his suggestions to fix these are, for the most part, fantastic. his writing style is accessible yet scholarly. sometimes i really wish he got a little more authoritative with what he says, and there were times when i really wish he went into a teaching vein, but that's really not the purpose of his book. i also like that he doesnt really write this to bring men back to church; rather, he wrote it to bring the church back to men. and if the church listens and takes his advice to prayer, i believe that we will bring the church back to men.
i do have a couple of quibbles that, although i understand his emphasis, i wish he explained it a little more. in some ways i dont fully understand how certain values or beliefs associated with Christianity are more feminine or masculine. and trying to explain this to my friends had them raise their eyebrows at me, not knowing what i meant. i understand his point, but im not sure i follow his conclusions. granted, i havent read much on the subject yet. my other quibble is that he almost seems to advocate a seeker-sensitive posture toward outreach; namely, make church as palatable as possible to get the seats filled. now, i'm not against that per se, because there is importance in just having men in the church to start with. and he does go on to say that men need relationships with God, and not just warm a seat. but as i read the book, it was hard to envision changing the thermostat, as he suggests, from comfort (feminine) to challenge (masculine) is by making the man comfortable in church with more visual aids, changing the pace of service, and even changing the decor. it doesnt really make sense. i also think that although he repeats his stance that we need both masculine and feminine in church, that many will still perceive this book as chauvinistic.
granted, all those are really minor things. the overwhelming message i took from this book is that men are vital to God's plans and purposes. and if we want to change the world, we need men. i have a suspicion that because i choose to focus more on men, that people will label me as a "specialist" of sorts in ministry, but from what i gather, i'm really still just a generalist. because as Murrow points out, if we want the world, we need the men. and when we have the men, the women--as proven through his research--will undoubtedly follow.
the idea of the book is simple. men hate going to church because church in general is more of a feminine place. if you think about this, i think you'd agree. he has a lot of research to back this up, citing stats of church attendance in various denominations and even delving into science to explain why men's brains are different. his findings are very alarming for the church. his suggestions to fix these are, for the most part, fantastic. his writing style is accessible yet scholarly. sometimes i really wish he got a little more authoritative with what he says, and there were times when i really wish he went into a teaching vein, but that's really not the purpose of his book. i also like that he doesnt really write this to bring men back to church; rather, he wrote it to bring the church back to men. and if the church listens and takes his advice to prayer, i believe that we will bring the church back to men.
i do have a couple of quibbles that, although i understand his emphasis, i wish he explained it a little more. in some ways i dont fully understand how certain values or beliefs associated with Christianity are more feminine or masculine. and trying to explain this to my friends had them raise their eyebrows at me, not knowing what i meant. i understand his point, but im not sure i follow his conclusions. granted, i havent read much on the subject yet. my other quibble is that he almost seems to advocate a seeker-sensitive posture toward outreach; namely, make church as palatable as possible to get the seats filled. now, i'm not against that per se, because there is importance in just having men in the church to start with. and he does go on to say that men need relationships with God, and not just warm a seat. but as i read the book, it was hard to envision changing the thermostat, as he suggests, from comfort (feminine) to challenge (masculine) is by making the man comfortable in church with more visual aids, changing the pace of service, and even changing the decor. it doesnt really make sense. i also think that although he repeats his stance that we need both masculine and feminine in church, that many will still perceive this book as chauvinistic.
granted, all those are really minor things. the overwhelming message i took from this book is that men are vital to God's plans and purposes. and if we want to change the world, we need men. i have a suspicion that because i choose to focus more on men, that people will label me as a "specialist" of sorts in ministry, but from what i gather, i'm really still just a generalist. because as Murrow points out, if we want the world, we need the men. and when we have the men, the women--as proven through his research--will undoubtedly follow.
June 15, 2017
Is this one of those cheesy, real-men-go-to-church, read-it-because-it-talks-about-trucks-and-barbed-wire Brother's Breakfast study guides?
No, not really. The book does paint men (and women) with broad, generalizing strokes, but it's not a man-up-and-go-to-church pitch, and it didn't strike me as manipulative or pandering to an imaginary dim-witted man who could be won over if you just used more distressed wood and Celtic knots in your Bible study branding. It's a book about the struggles and turn-offs that the church presents to a large number of men, and even as a church-going man, I can say that 80% of them were spot-on.
Sure, there were some trivial turn-offs that probably don't make much difference to most men (like the decorations in the church), as well as some turn-offs that probably do make a difference to a lot of men, but probably shouldn't be dropped (like a Christian emphasis on humility, service, and relationships). The author was clear that he was presenting reasons why men don't go to church, not valid reasons for men not to go to church. There were dozens of tips here that rang true and should be carefully considered by church leadership to see if changes should be made.
But the biggest and most powerful turn-offs for men, which I see in many churches, are an emphasis on comfort and maintaining the status quo rather than challenge, risk-taking, and excellence. I think men (and probably women, too) are dying to be a part of something great, to try something difficult, to have a specific goal and people that push them toward it. Churches absolutely need this.
A solid, thought-provoking book. If you don't let yourself get too sensitive about stereotyping (it's impossible to make generalizations about broad groups like men and women without doing so), you'll probably learn a lot and be inspired to make some changes in your own life and church.
No, not really. The book does paint men (and women) with broad, generalizing strokes, but it's not a man-up-and-go-to-church pitch, and it didn't strike me as manipulative or pandering to an imaginary dim-witted man who could be won over if you just used more distressed wood and Celtic knots in your Bible study branding. It's a book about the struggles and turn-offs that the church presents to a large number of men, and even as a church-going man, I can say that 80% of them were spot-on.
Sure, there were some trivial turn-offs that probably don't make much difference to most men (like the decorations in the church), as well as some turn-offs that probably do make a difference to a lot of men, but probably shouldn't be dropped (like a Christian emphasis on humility, service, and relationships). The author was clear that he was presenting reasons why men don't go to church, not valid reasons for men not to go to church. There were dozens of tips here that rang true and should be carefully considered by church leadership to see if changes should be made.
But the biggest and most powerful turn-offs for men, which I see in many churches, are an emphasis on comfort and maintaining the status quo rather than challenge, risk-taking, and excellence. I think men (and probably women, too) are dying to be a part of something great, to try something difficult, to have a specific goal and people that push them toward it. Churches absolutely need this.
A solid, thought-provoking book. If you don't let yourself get too sensitive about stereotyping (it's impossible to make generalizations about broad groups like men and women without doing so), you'll probably learn a lot and be inspired to make some changes in your own life and church.
January 12, 2025
Murrow has a valid premise that is worth investigating. It is truth that in some circles of Christendom, men are relatively absent. Though, not all churches and increasingly less so. There is ecclesiological point to be made: men are absent from liberal, progressive churches that are weak on scripture’s authority and soft pedal gospel truth. In more robust churches such as PCU, CREC, OPC and Reformed Baptist, men are very engaged and more and more men are coming.
Aside from missing the theological issues, Murrow also makes a lot of foolish assumptions about men: not interested in deep conversation, short attention spans, not liking to sing, etc. His recommendations boil down to essentially: “men are simple and stupid, if you want to reach, dumb everything down and cater to them. The correct answer is actually: challenge men to step up.
Aside from missing the theological issues, Murrow also makes a lot of foolish assumptions about men: not interested in deep conversation, short attention spans, not liking to sing, etc. His recommendations boil down to essentially: “men are simple and stupid, if you want to reach, dumb everything down and cater to them. The correct answer is actually: challenge men to step up.
October 26, 2011
David Murrow has updated Why Men Hate Going to Church, his renowned book with new information and text previously published by him in other books. Murrow in this text uncovers the gender gap in churches, asking the question where are the men? Murrow shows his readers that today’s churches are dominated numerically by women and that men are largely absent. He explores the culture of the church noting that church vocabulary and words like love and relationship are tied to feminine culture and not masculine images. For example, churches typically use pictures of Jesus as a lamb or dove while generally ignoring the word pictures of Jesus as a lion. He also shows how church programs, largely academic and feelings based provide boys and men discomfort leading to a male exodus from the church. In general, churches rely on volunteer positions that are better suited to female preferences instead of male. And church programming generally also follows this trend. Finally, he provides suggestions and practical examples of how to return men to church. Murrow advocates that the greatest way to grow the modern church is call men back by changing our culture. By bringing back men Murrow argues that men, women and children will all benefit.
This book creates a lot of conflict in me in my ministry and my personal life. My ministry has been within one that stereotypically is a women’s ministry, working with families and children. Part of my personal call has been to have manly guys working within that ministry so kids can see both the masculine and caring side of men demonstrating balance. But I see exactly what Murrow describes with curriculum that are largely intellectual in nature and put boys at a disadvantage with girls in the “competition” of Sunday school. And I think that this realization is what has led me to also seek non-traditional curriculum and curriculum that relies on movement and diversity to help keep boys engaged in learning about Christ. Honestly, one of my best days of ministry was spending a day with a predominantly boy youth group scooping horse manure. There were no complaints as these boys completed a manly task in God’s name. As a man I often found myself chaffing at his description of academic pursuits as womanly. I personally excel in this area while my skills in car maintenance are completely lacking. But with this prejudice aside I definitely see and have felt the issues he points out about language, frilly decorations and relationships. My academic training is history, which warns that generalizations are not absolute. So, there are exceptions to what Murrow describes, but the generalizations are widespread enough that leaders should take notice of this book and assess how their ministries are attracting or repelling men and boys.
Review Copy Provided by Thomas Nelson
This book creates a lot of conflict in me in my ministry and my personal life. My ministry has been within one that stereotypically is a women’s ministry, working with families and children. Part of my personal call has been to have manly guys working within that ministry so kids can see both the masculine and caring side of men demonstrating balance. But I see exactly what Murrow describes with curriculum that are largely intellectual in nature and put boys at a disadvantage with girls in the “competition” of Sunday school. And I think that this realization is what has led me to also seek non-traditional curriculum and curriculum that relies on movement and diversity to help keep boys engaged in learning about Christ. Honestly, one of my best days of ministry was spending a day with a predominantly boy youth group scooping horse manure. There were no complaints as these boys completed a manly task in God’s name. As a man I often found myself chaffing at his description of academic pursuits as womanly. I personally excel in this area while my skills in car maintenance are completely lacking. But with this prejudice aside I definitely see and have felt the issues he points out about language, frilly decorations and relationships. My academic training is history, which warns that generalizations are not absolute. So, there are exceptions to what Murrow describes, but the generalizations are widespread enough that leaders should take notice of this book and assess how their ministries are attracting or repelling men and boys.
Review Copy Provided by Thomas Nelson
January 15, 2024
I’ve been going to church all my life, and this book pointed out things about church that had me laughing hysterically. It brought back quite a few memories.
David says the quiet part out loud, things as a man I knew in church were awkward and off-putting, but you don’t say anything about because ‘that’s just how things are done’. He just hits on truth after truth.
Of course, obligatory disclaimer: Even though I don’t agree with everything he says, I would say maybe 95% he is right on.
On the flip side, I also felt a rush of depression at the end of the book. I know many conservative, narrow minded Christians who would mostly be appalled at this book and what it suggests, and not make a single change in their church. I often hear these same Christians complain about why there are so few men in their own churches…
All I can say is, as a guy who has been in, and experienced church for over 30 years, David is right. Ignore him at your own peril.
PS: For those hesitant to be ‘seeker sensitive’, or ‘chase after men’, here is an example of what the books general idea is off of David’s website (davidmurrow.com):
“Isn’t this just a marketing ploy? Are we pandering to men?
Let’s say an immigrant population has moved to your community. You want to reach them with the gospel. What would you do?
You’d learn their language. You’d familiarize yourself with their culture. You’d meet their needs. Once these immigrants knew that you truly cared about them, you would deliver your gospel presentation in a way that’s relevant to their culture.
Men are the world’s largest unreached people group. They have their own language, culture and unique needs. It’s clear that the church has ignored these needs far too long….”
David says the quiet part out loud, things as a man I knew in church were awkward and off-putting, but you don’t say anything about because ‘that’s just how things are done’. He just hits on truth after truth.
Of course, obligatory disclaimer: Even though I don’t agree with everything he says, I would say maybe 95% he is right on.
On the flip side, I also felt a rush of depression at the end of the book. I know many conservative, narrow minded Christians who would mostly be appalled at this book and what it suggests, and not make a single change in their church. I often hear these same Christians complain about why there are so few men in their own churches…
All I can say is, as a guy who has been in, and experienced church for over 30 years, David is right. Ignore him at your own peril.
PS: For those hesitant to be ‘seeker sensitive’, or ‘chase after men’, here is an example of what the books general idea is off of David’s website (davidmurrow.com):
“Isn’t this just a marketing ploy? Are we pandering to men?
Let’s say an immigrant population has moved to your community. You want to reach them with the gospel. What would you do?
You’d learn their language. You’d familiarize yourself with their culture. You’d meet their needs. Once these immigrants knew that you truly cared about them, you would deliver your gospel presentation in a way that’s relevant to their culture.
Men are the world’s largest unreached people group. They have their own language, culture and unique needs. It’s clear that the church has ignored these needs far too long….”
August 18, 2023
This is an important book for everyone, especially women, who want to see men growing in their faith journey. There are several things addressed here that I, as a woman, would never have considered as being a deterrent for men. Obviously, you can take anything to an unhealthy extreme, but like Murrow writes, the Church has for so long hovered over the feminine extreme that any move toward a balanced middle will feel like extreme overcompensation.
I'm encouraged to think differently, change my vocabulary, and make space for challenge, adventure, and camaraderie in the ministry that I lead.
I'm encouraged to think differently, change my vocabulary, and make space for challenge, adventure, and camaraderie in the ministry that I lead.
May 24, 2017
When I mentioned this book to a friend, he had the same knee-jerk reaction to the title that I did. The only reason a man would hate going to church is that he is lost (unsaved), or backslidden (out of fellowship with God). After reading this book, I realize what a simplistic answer that is.
While it is true that mature Christian men, who have either been raised in the church or have been going long enough to become accustomed church culture will feel quite all right about the status quo, many new believers, or unsaved men will find most church environments to be strange and foreign for several reasons that the author points out and explains.
The author analyzes the typical church service and the typical church décor. The programs, even the vernacular are oriented to the personalities and needs of women. I have heard it said that church is for women and children, and if we are honest with ourselves, there is some truth to that in the current state of things. Recently I attended a church service where a soloist got up and sang the following words:
Your holy presence living in me.
This is my daily bread.
This is my daily bread.
Your very word spoken to me.
And I, I'm desperate for you.
And I, I'm lost without you.
and Hey, ey, ya
Now if you are a woman, or even a man ingrained into the church culture, you might think, “Well, what is wrong with that?”. My answer would be “Nothing, unless you are a man, who is not indoctrinated in church culture.” A man looking at Christ as a possible change in his life might be put off by the effeminate sentiment of the song. We speak of “relationships” a lot in the church. Men do not have “relationships” with other men. Men have “partnerships” or “friends” and sometimes “buddies”. It’s all vernacular, I know but we need to think about the terminology we use as setting the table for those that we care about bringing to Christ.
The author looks at men psychologically and biologically. Men’s brains are different from women’s. Men follow men that they admire. Men want to be challenged. Men are risk-takers. The author says women interact face-to-face and men side-by-side. Men develop friendships in crises, working together, and in the trenches of life. Men need to be convinced of relevance to invest their time, energy and money. When all a man experiences are a sing-a-long and a half hour speech (sometimes longer), it will not fill that need.
Men need fraternity. In the community where I live, para-churches are increasing. There are “cowboy churches”, “biker churches” and the like. The commonality is in their interests and sense of fraternity and belonging.
Men need a spiritual father. Men do not follow dogmas. They follow other men. Most churches are declining, and changes must be seriously considered, not in doctrine, not by compromise, but we should look at our methods in a critical fashion and ask ourselves:
1. Are we interested in a strong male presence in our congregation?
2. Are we content to focus on women and children and just have men in “supporting roles?”.
If we are serious about creating a place that men will feel comfortable worshiping in, we must make the necessary changes to pique their interest. The author refers to this as “adjusting the thermostat.
I have often said that if you are trying to grow a church congregation and you bring in children, you have a congregation of children. If you bring in women, you will have a congregation of women and children. If you bring in men, you have the entire family, and that is the basic unit of any growing church.
The book is an easy read and provides both problem and solution. The author is direct and pulls no punches. For that reason, and because most church people like their waters to remain calm and free of waves, you won’t find this book in many church libraries. He is not nearly as verbose as I have been in this review. I would recommend anyone who would like to see a growth in men’s ministry in their church to read the book. If you are satisfied with the status quo, move along. There is nothing for you to see here.
While it is true that mature Christian men, who have either been raised in the church or have been going long enough to become accustomed church culture will feel quite all right about the status quo, many new believers, or unsaved men will find most church environments to be strange and foreign for several reasons that the author points out and explains.
The author analyzes the typical church service and the typical church décor. The programs, even the vernacular are oriented to the personalities and needs of women. I have heard it said that church is for women and children, and if we are honest with ourselves, there is some truth to that in the current state of things. Recently I attended a church service where a soloist got up and sang the following words:
Your holy presence living in me.
This is my daily bread.
This is my daily bread.
Your very word spoken to me.
And I, I'm desperate for you.
And I, I'm lost without you.
and Hey, ey, ya
Now if you are a woman, or even a man ingrained into the church culture, you might think, “Well, what is wrong with that?”. My answer would be “Nothing, unless you are a man, who is not indoctrinated in church culture.” A man looking at Christ as a possible change in his life might be put off by the effeminate sentiment of the song. We speak of “relationships” a lot in the church. Men do not have “relationships” with other men. Men have “partnerships” or “friends” and sometimes “buddies”. It’s all vernacular, I know but we need to think about the terminology we use as setting the table for those that we care about bringing to Christ.
The author looks at men psychologically and biologically. Men’s brains are different from women’s. Men follow men that they admire. Men want to be challenged. Men are risk-takers. The author says women interact face-to-face and men side-by-side. Men develop friendships in crises, working together, and in the trenches of life. Men need to be convinced of relevance to invest their time, energy and money. When all a man experiences are a sing-a-long and a half hour speech (sometimes longer), it will not fill that need.
Men need fraternity. In the community where I live, para-churches are increasing. There are “cowboy churches”, “biker churches” and the like. The commonality is in their interests and sense of fraternity and belonging.
Men need a spiritual father. Men do not follow dogmas. They follow other men. Most churches are declining, and changes must be seriously considered, not in doctrine, not by compromise, but we should look at our methods in a critical fashion and ask ourselves:
1. Are we interested in a strong male presence in our congregation?
2. Are we content to focus on women and children and just have men in “supporting roles?”.
If we are serious about creating a place that men will feel comfortable worshiping in, we must make the necessary changes to pique their interest. The author refers to this as “adjusting the thermostat.
I have often said that if you are trying to grow a church congregation and you bring in children, you have a congregation of children. If you bring in women, you will have a congregation of women and children. If you bring in men, you have the entire family, and that is the basic unit of any growing church.
The book is an easy read and provides both problem and solution. The author is direct and pulls no punches. For that reason, and because most church people like their waters to remain calm and free of waves, you won’t find this book in many church libraries. He is not nearly as verbose as I have been in this review. I would recommend anyone who would like to see a growth in men’s ministry in their church to read the book. If you are satisfied with the status quo, move along. There is nothing for you to see here.
September 26, 2020
This book will reshape your view of why churches have become disproportionately comprised of women. Men seem less and less interested in church and it isn't just because men are less enlightened. Murrow doesn't use this phrase but since reading this book I have started noticing the "sissification" of churches. Everything from church decor to song choices subtly encourages men to find their feminine side rather than encouraging godly masculinity. Even the cultural emasculation of Jesus has become problematic in the average church mindset. Murrow sheds light on these issues and more. Every church leader should have this book.
May 19, 2012
I think I'm a little unqualified to review this book, but here goes. Author David Murrow asserts that the rapid loss of men in the protestant faith over the last 50 years is due to the unintentional feminization of the church. I would have to say he's probably right - most of the time. From the decor (quilts, doilies, flowers, etc.) to the ministries that thrive (women's events, children's ministries, choir) church is tailor made for females and gives men the impression that they are not needed. There were times where he separated men into only two categories - wimps and macho beer drinkers - and I'd have to disagree with him there, but most of the time he seems spot on with his assessment of why the church is dying out. Even the language we use repels men. We talk about being "passionately in love with Jesus," a phrase never found in the Bible, and most men don't want to be passionately in love with another man, even if He is their savior. There were some real gems in this book, such as the discussion about the focus on sharing our feelings. He says, "Christians often say things like, 'Steve, would you please share with us what the Lord has placed on your heart?' Regular men don't talk this way. It sounds too much like kindergarten. Imagine a gang member saying to one of his brothers, 'Blade, would you please share with us how you jacked that Mercedes?'" He also says church has been skewed toward only academic people - we sit through a lecture, go to Sunday 'School', and 'study' the Bible, but most men prefer action and visual aids, because "a good sermon is like a good skirt: long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to keep you interested." Thought provoking and highly recommended.
December 26, 2008
Why Men Hate Going to Church
David Murrow
Nelson Books
ISBN 0-7852-6038-2
Almost any church you walk into, any Sunday service, any church committee, you will notice the gender gap. There are more women than men. Is this just the way of things? Are women just naturally more religious than men? If you think that's unlikely, but don't understand why and want to know mote, then this is the book for you. David starts by looking at Masculinity, and then at some more detailed categories of people who are not attending church. Did you know that the church is also lacking young women? Then he uses lots of statistics to prove the point. All of these are American, but look at the numbers and think of the churches you know. It begins to make sense. Now you're hooked. You have to read on to find out what can be done about this situation. Having explained his background, he move on to make some suggestions as to what might need to change. If you can remember back before the feminist movement, and see how things are different now, you'll get the idea, or part of it at least. If not you'll have to read the book and see how the church 'thermostat' as he calls it can be set in a more comfortable way for men.
I read this book while preparing for a training course I will be running shortly on reaching men. These ideas are not so much about reaching, as about keeping. There's no point in reaching men, having them commit their lives to Christ, only to leave the church in six months. So I will cover both – to some extent anyway.
David Murrow
Nelson Books
ISBN 0-7852-6038-2
Almost any church you walk into, any Sunday service, any church committee, you will notice the gender gap. There are more women than men. Is this just the way of things? Are women just naturally more religious than men? If you think that's unlikely, but don't understand why and want to know mote, then this is the book for you. David starts by looking at Masculinity, and then at some more detailed categories of people who are not attending church. Did you know that the church is also lacking young women? Then he uses lots of statistics to prove the point. All of these are American, but look at the numbers and think of the churches you know. It begins to make sense. Now you're hooked. You have to read on to find out what can be done about this situation. Having explained his background, he move on to make some suggestions as to what might need to change. If you can remember back before the feminist movement, and see how things are different now, you'll get the idea, or part of it at least. If not you'll have to read the book and see how the church 'thermostat' as he calls it can be set in a more comfortable way for men.
I read this book while preparing for a training course I will be running shortly on reaching men. These ideas are not so much about reaching, as about keeping. There's no point in reaching men, having them commit their lives to Christ, only to leave the church in six months. So I will cover both – to some extent anyway.
April 17, 2008
The premise is wrong. Men don't hate going to church. They just don't go. The same goes for women.
Until they know Jesus. When a man comes to know Jesus he will find a church to go to, for all its many flaws. That's where he will come to know Jesus better, so that's where he will want to be.
This is not to say that churches couldn't stand to be more guy-friendly. And the author does have some really good points.
But his writing is repetitive, and it's filled with hyperbole, made-up examples and generalizations. Not all men like to hunt and fish, watch violent movies, watch NASCAR races and fix cars.
Still, this book has been a springboard for good discussions in our men's group this year, and I appreciate it for that.
Our men's group usually meets in church. I don't think any of us hates going, except when the weather is really nice.
Until they know Jesus. When a man comes to know Jesus he will find a church to go to, for all its many flaws. That's where he will come to know Jesus better, so that's where he will want to be.
This is not to say that churches couldn't stand to be more guy-friendly. And the author does have some really good points.
But his writing is repetitive, and it's filled with hyperbole, made-up examples and generalizations. Not all men like to hunt and fish, watch violent movies, watch NASCAR races and fix cars.
Still, this book has been a springboard for good discussions in our men's group this year, and I appreciate it for that.
Our men's group usually meets in church. I don't think any of us hates going, except when the weather is really nice.
August 12, 2023
A brilliant reflection on the slow feminisation of the Church. This bought clarity to some struggles I have had and provides some clear suggestions for bringing masculinity back into the church service.
September 15, 2017
I remember a girl friend of mine coming to an event where I was playing guitar for on a worship team about 17-18 years ago. Our worship set was pretty up to date for the times, consisting of worship hit songs from Matt Redman and the ilk. Most of our set was geared to bring people into the throne room of God. That’s when you can zone out and feel the warmth of God’s presence and embrace of his spirit. It’s a very emotional place where people are often weeping, kneeling, or joyfully dancing.
It takes a delicate touch of musicianship to play like that, and although we weren't the best of musicians, our leader had a sort of freeform improv style that we were all able to follow, since we were also of the same mind.
While we played the set I saw my friend standing in the audience, so I went to her right after. She was raised in a Christian home, and her dad was a minister. But our commonality was mostly underground punk music, such as Samiam and Screeching Weasel.
“I was expecting a list more ‘grrr’ in the music”, she said to me making a fist. And immediately I knew she was right. And although neither of us could articulate it for some years, I came to understand that the masculine spirit was missing from our worship.
And thats exactly what this book gave to me, the words to describe how I’ve been feeling the last 20 years since becoming a follower of Jesus. Murrow doesn’t blame any one group, even as he traces a history of emasculation in the church and points out certain trends and possible causes. Some of it points to contemporary worship industrial complex where research panels are pumping money into the writing songs geared towards women since they purchase upwards of 75% of the music. This, in turn, affects the type of songs saturating the market that are mostly tender in performance and about relationship(s) in content. And thats totally understandable, since that how the market works.
Whats missing is an emphasis on the transcendental and awesomeness of God, his eternal qualities and such. No doubt you might be thinking of such a song or a couple of songs in that realm as you read this, and thankfully there are many such songs, but by and larger the majority (up to 75%) are not. And this feeds into the fact that the common perception is that Church is a woman’s thing. Practically every Christian church has a large majority of women in attendance and serving in practically every capacity. Even in my own church (which I consider to be more masculine than others I’ve been a part of in the past) consist of 2/3 female attendees. I though this was not the case until I started counting heads each Sunday.
Where are the men? Population says we are 49.5% of the world so the church should represent that… but females vastly outnumber men in church. And while I appreciate that my own denomination is making a big push towards multiculturalism, perhaps the next step will be the direction to include men.
This book gives a voice to the concerns I’ve had for a few years. The author may over generalize too much for my taste, but his point is well taken. I wont give out too many details because I wont to them justice and may be hard for an overly gentrified people who have unknowingly subscribed to overcivilization.
Other issues he brings up are an over emphasis on Church as a community when Jesus’ emphasis was on a kingdom. Theological consequences have to do with sin and judgment, its not refined and polite to believe in judgment and hell, educated people are civilized after all. And I’ve seen complex arguments the last few years arguing about the complexity of biblical interpretation, was written largely by uneducated blue-collar working men intended to be read aloud to a largely illiterate people. Jesus, himself, was a blue-collar worker and spent his years preparing for his ministry by hammering in nails and working with wood under sweat and muscle. The author also talks about how church culture has evolved so that women excel and become the all-star players, while men are the bench warmers. His arguments are throughly researched and he sites all his statistics, studies, and sources. And there are many more points.
Over all David Murrow gives good advice on reversing this trend in your local church culture without appealing to macho or chauvinistic attitudes or getting into divisiveness. Small steps intentionally taken will make consistent progress, and the men will come back if the attempt is made.
It takes a delicate touch of musicianship to play like that, and although we weren't the best of musicians, our leader had a sort of freeform improv style that we were all able to follow, since we were also of the same mind.
While we played the set I saw my friend standing in the audience, so I went to her right after. She was raised in a Christian home, and her dad was a minister. But our commonality was mostly underground punk music, such as Samiam and Screeching Weasel.
“I was expecting a list more ‘grrr’ in the music”, she said to me making a fist. And immediately I knew she was right. And although neither of us could articulate it for some years, I came to understand that the masculine spirit was missing from our worship.
And thats exactly what this book gave to me, the words to describe how I’ve been feeling the last 20 years since becoming a follower of Jesus. Murrow doesn’t blame any one group, even as he traces a history of emasculation in the church and points out certain trends and possible causes. Some of it points to contemporary worship industrial complex where research panels are pumping money into the writing songs geared towards women since they purchase upwards of 75% of the music. This, in turn, affects the type of songs saturating the market that are mostly tender in performance and about relationship(s) in content. And thats totally understandable, since that how the market works.
Whats missing is an emphasis on the transcendental and awesomeness of God, his eternal qualities and such. No doubt you might be thinking of such a song or a couple of songs in that realm as you read this, and thankfully there are many such songs, but by and larger the majority (up to 75%) are not. And this feeds into the fact that the common perception is that Church is a woman’s thing. Practically every Christian church has a large majority of women in attendance and serving in practically every capacity. Even in my own church (which I consider to be more masculine than others I’ve been a part of in the past) consist of 2/3 female attendees. I though this was not the case until I started counting heads each Sunday.
Where are the men? Population says we are 49.5% of the world so the church should represent that… but females vastly outnumber men in church. And while I appreciate that my own denomination is making a big push towards multiculturalism, perhaps the next step will be the direction to include men.
This book gives a voice to the concerns I’ve had for a few years. The author may over generalize too much for my taste, but his point is well taken. I wont give out too many details because I wont to them justice and may be hard for an overly gentrified people who have unknowingly subscribed to overcivilization.
Other issues he brings up are an over emphasis on Church as a community when Jesus’ emphasis was on a kingdom. Theological consequences have to do with sin and judgment, its not refined and polite to believe in judgment and hell, educated people are civilized after all. And I’ve seen complex arguments the last few years arguing about the complexity of biblical interpretation, was written largely by uneducated blue-collar working men intended to be read aloud to a largely illiterate people. Jesus, himself, was a blue-collar worker and spent his years preparing for his ministry by hammering in nails and working with wood under sweat and muscle. The author also talks about how church culture has evolved so that women excel and become the all-star players, while men are the bench warmers. His arguments are throughly researched and he sites all his statistics, studies, and sources. And there are many more points.
Over all David Murrow gives good advice on reversing this trend in your local church culture without appealing to macho or chauvinistic attitudes or getting into divisiveness. Small steps intentionally taken will make consistent progress, and the men will come back if the attempt is made.
August 4, 2009
A lot of this book is about the differences between men and women; and why men are not comfortable in church (because most churches employ feminine themes and imagery, use a verbal teaching style, don't challenge enough, talk about having a "relationship" with Jesus, and so on) and how churches should adjust to meet men's needs.
There are so many points I could expound on, and yet maybe they are obvious to you. Men don't go to church because it's boring for them, they don't like the hand-holding or the singing or they don't like to just sit there. They want to be doing something, the hands-on learning method. And they viscerally reject the soft, meek version of Jesus that a lot of churches perpetuate. They want to worship a strong, brave warrior who tells it like it is. Murrow says churches should hold up this truthful picture of Jesus over the other one.
Yes, I read this because my husband doesn't come to church. But maybe—I'm now starting to think—this is the Church's fault, not his. Women do seem to take over the church sometimes, and it becomes about love, comfort, and security. Well, aren't these good things? This book says, not totally. Lots of men followed Jesus and his apostles because it was dangerous. Men are drawn to challenges and risky situations. And we all know there would be no wars if there were no men. This author says we have to bring back the war analogies (fighting the devil) if we're going to draw men back to the church. How do I feel about that? As a woman, I can't say I like that.
So much of the bible is about war and violence because it was written by men, and I don't like that either. But that is the reality. I have to admit that sometimes I think men are stupid for being so aggressive and being consumed with the things that consume them. This author tells me that they're just acting the way God made them and we women shouldn't keep trying to feminize them. I'm not the extreme, like the mom who won't let her son play with water guns. And I'm not against changes in the church. But I do have to admit, I like a man who is in touch with his feminine side. I'm so torn. Are guys just acting the way God made them or are they not as spiritually evolved as women are? (Not my idea—I read that somewhere).
Consider this quote, "If we want aggressive, bold, greatness-seeking men, we must do what Jesus did and promise suffering, trial, and pain. But today's Christianity is marketed like Tylenol: the antidote to suffering, trial,and pain. We've turned Jesus's approach on its head." I can't fully agree. I don't think men are really attracted to pain and suffering, even if it's for a meaningful cause. Jesus also promised no more suffering, didn't he? What the author's saying in part is that churches have to require people to get out there and help needy people more than just soup kitchens, because men learn by doing, more than by reading. It's good that the author is pushing for churches to get out of their comfort zone and require help in the community and even other countries and let men be "hands on," but contemplation and prayer do have their place in the church.
I'm all willing to let church be a more masculine place, and let men be macho, and lead as men, if it will bring men to the church, thus leading their sex as a whole to becoming more spiritually-minded, assuming that will lead to more peace and compassion over-all, hopefully. Let me say that although I may seem begrudging against the male human species, I have met many good, moral, admirable men who try to live good lives, and that my husband is a wonderful guy.
There are so many points I could expound on, and yet maybe they are obvious to you. Men don't go to church because it's boring for them, they don't like the hand-holding or the singing or they don't like to just sit there. They want to be doing something, the hands-on learning method. And they viscerally reject the soft, meek version of Jesus that a lot of churches perpetuate. They want to worship a strong, brave warrior who tells it like it is. Murrow says churches should hold up this truthful picture of Jesus over the other one.
Yes, I read this because my husband doesn't come to church. But maybe—I'm now starting to think—this is the Church's fault, not his. Women do seem to take over the church sometimes, and it becomes about love, comfort, and security. Well, aren't these good things? This book says, not totally. Lots of men followed Jesus and his apostles because it was dangerous. Men are drawn to challenges and risky situations. And we all know there would be no wars if there were no men. This author says we have to bring back the war analogies (fighting the devil) if we're going to draw men back to the church. How do I feel about that? As a woman, I can't say I like that.
So much of the bible is about war and violence because it was written by men, and I don't like that either. But that is the reality. I have to admit that sometimes I think men are stupid for being so aggressive and being consumed with the things that consume them. This author tells me that they're just acting the way God made them and we women shouldn't keep trying to feminize them. I'm not the extreme, like the mom who won't let her son play with water guns. And I'm not against changes in the church. But I do have to admit, I like a man who is in touch with his feminine side. I'm so torn. Are guys just acting the way God made them or are they not as spiritually evolved as women are? (Not my idea—I read that somewhere).
Consider this quote, "If we want aggressive, bold, greatness-seeking men, we must do what Jesus did and promise suffering, trial, and pain. But today's Christianity is marketed like Tylenol: the antidote to suffering, trial,and pain. We've turned Jesus's approach on its head." I can't fully agree. I don't think men are really attracted to pain and suffering, even if it's for a meaningful cause. Jesus also promised no more suffering, didn't he? What the author's saying in part is that churches have to require people to get out there and help needy people more than just soup kitchens, because men learn by doing, more than by reading. It's good that the author is pushing for churches to get out of their comfort zone and require help in the community and even other countries and let men be "hands on," but contemplation and prayer do have their place in the church.
I'm all willing to let church be a more masculine place, and let men be macho, and lead as men, if it will bring men to the church, thus leading their sex as a whole to becoming more spiritually-minded, assuming that will lead to more peace and compassion over-all, hopefully. Let me say that although I may seem begrudging against the male human species, I have met many good, moral, admirable men who try to live good lives, and that my husband is a wonderful guy.
June 13, 2021
Did not finish this one. The big problem is that the author is under the impression he wants to get men to church by making church more accommodating to them. This view inhibits a full view of the issue and just leads to revival-type appearance of Christianity rather than a changed life. Does the average evangelical church cater to much to women? Probably, but it misses the point. Church isn’t about you, it is about Christians following God’s command to worship him. And we don’t get to define that.
March 10, 2019
A Gold Mine. I finally finished reading David Murrow's "Why Men Hate Going to Church (updated)", after having put it down for a couple of months while I read other books and worked on other things.
The best I can say about this book is that it is a gold mine, in the truest sense of the term. You see, my wife watches Gold Rush on Discovery Channel, so I wind up watching quite a bit of it with her. On that show, various crews move around literally TONS of earth, searching for a few specks of gold. That is EXACTLY what you will be doing reading this book - searching through tons of detritus (to put it gently) for the occasional HINT of something worth noting.
To say I was disappointed in this book would be a statement in contention for understatement of the year, at least. Upon seeing the title and even a couple of the other BookSneeze reviews, I actually requested BookSneeze make this available in eBook format, which is how I read all my books now. I was hoping for something as mind blowing and concrete as Shaunti Feldhan's seminal work, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Instead, the "research" in this book at one point literally consisted of the author standing outside an Alaska sporting goods store and asking 97 men what they thought was masculine or feminine about church.
And that is the most glaring flaw of this book - little to no actual research to base the author's claims on. Instead, he draws on what he personally sees and how he personally feels. Which is fine, if the title would have been "Why Me and My Friends Hate Going to Church". But in purporting to talk about a genuinely real crisis, the author falls flat on his face due to so little research on the topic. Add to this the guy's blatant homophobia and misogyny - he dislikes any song that mentions a love of Jesus, because it sounds too gay - and you pretty much have a recipe for disaster. Indeed, one of the reasons I put the book down for a couple of months was because of the sheer number of times I was almost ready to destroy my Kindle just to get this book away from me. But I agreed to participate in the BookSneeze program (a truly great program, btw), and I didn't want to review the book without completing it, so here I sit, having now done so.
Overall, I'd give this book 0.5 stars out of 5. It has enough good in it that if you're DESPERATE for something to read and can get your hands on a free copy, I'd say it is better than nothing - but not by much. Had I paid for the book, I'd be demanding my money back.
The best I can say about this book is that it is a gold mine, in the truest sense of the term. You see, my wife watches Gold Rush on Discovery Channel, so I wind up watching quite a bit of it with her. On that show, various crews move around literally TONS of earth, searching for a few specks of gold. That is EXACTLY what you will be doing reading this book - searching through tons of detritus (to put it gently) for the occasional HINT of something worth noting.
To say I was disappointed in this book would be a statement in contention for understatement of the year, at least. Upon seeing the title and even a couple of the other BookSneeze reviews, I actually requested BookSneeze make this available in eBook format, which is how I read all my books now. I was hoping for something as mind blowing and concrete as Shaunti Feldhan's seminal work, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Instead, the "research" in this book at one point literally consisted of the author standing outside an Alaska sporting goods store and asking 97 men what they thought was masculine or feminine about church.
And that is the most glaring flaw of this book - little to no actual research to base the author's claims on. Instead, he draws on what he personally sees and how he personally feels. Which is fine, if the title would have been "Why Me and My Friends Hate Going to Church". But in purporting to talk about a genuinely real crisis, the author falls flat on his face due to so little research on the topic. Add to this the guy's blatant homophobia and misogyny - he dislikes any song that mentions a love of Jesus, because it sounds too gay - and you pretty much have a recipe for disaster. Indeed, one of the reasons I put the book down for a couple of months was because of the sheer number of times I was almost ready to destroy my Kindle just to get this book away from me. But I agreed to participate in the BookSneeze program (a truly great program, btw), and I didn't want to review the book without completing it, so here I sit, having now done so.
Overall, I'd give this book 0.5 stars out of 5. It has enough good in it that if you're DESPERATE for something to read and can get your hands on a free copy, I'd say it is better than nothing - but not by much. Had I paid for the book, I'd be demanding my money back.
September 15, 2025
I read this book because as a pastor I noticed that in my congregation we have more women than men. I wanted to know why that has been the case, and why that is in most churches.
I cannot say I agree with everything David Murrow said or suggested, but I must applaud him for at least trying to explain why. Yes, no one can deny that it has been a masculine world for most of human history. However, feminism has taken culture and society by storm for at least 100 years, and it has in some cases gone to the extreme, to the point of silencing men- even in church. If feminism is going to silence men and put them in the public square’s corner, don’t expect them to want to lead their families and want to be part of a church.
Murrow gave me some food for thought and ideas to consider to help men see that there is a cause for them to live for- it’s living for Jesus. I appreciate them much.
The book is a bit misogynistic, and dichotomizes men and women but I enjoyed it. Though it is that way, I do hope some women would read it to see church through a man’s eyes.
I cannot say I agree with everything David Murrow said or suggested, but I must applaud him for at least trying to explain why. Yes, no one can deny that it has been a masculine world for most of human history. However, feminism has taken culture and society by storm for at least 100 years, and it has in some cases gone to the extreme, to the point of silencing men- even in church. If feminism is going to silence men and put them in the public square’s corner, don’t expect them to want to lead their families and want to be part of a church.
Murrow gave me some food for thought and ideas to consider to help men see that there is a cause for them to live for- it’s living for Jesus. I appreciate them much.
The book is a bit misogynistic, and dichotomizes men and women but I enjoyed it. Though it is that way, I do hope some women would read it to see church through a man’s eyes.
March 18, 2016
Great book! Everyone should read this. Pastors, fathers, mothers, old ladies who want to make doilies for the communion table. :) Centuries-old problem of a female-centered church experience, how we got there, and great ideas to fix it.
September 1, 2015
Wonderfully written and challenging. Written from a practical standpoint which then translates into real spiritual results. Will definitely be referencing in the future.
February 11, 2019
So many points he raised rang true, both as a parent of boys and as a former Sunday school teacher. I want to go back to those young men and say, "Sorry! I didn't mean to drive you away!"
August 2, 2024
David Murrow’s “Why Men Hate Going to Church” dives into why modern churches often miss the mark with men. He points out how many churches cater mainly to women and children’s strengths and activities, leaving guys feeling left out, ill-equipped, and unneeded in today’s congregations. His insights on this are pretty eye-opening.
Murrow does a good job showing how church setups can push men away or make them feel unnecessary. However, he tends to generalize masculinity. Not all men fit the traditional "fix cars and get dirty" mold, especially nowadays with many men working in intellectual professions.
Also, while he highlights the problem well, his fixes feel a bit thin. Beyond suggesting churches adopt shorter services and enlist men in more hands-on projects, there aren’t many practical tips for making churches more guy-friendly.
All in all, this is a thought-provoking read, but it could use more actionable advice and a broader view of what it means to be a Christian man today.
Murrow does a good job showing how church setups can push men away or make them feel unnecessary. However, he tends to generalize masculinity. Not all men fit the traditional "fix cars and get dirty" mold, especially nowadays with many men working in intellectual professions.
Also, while he highlights the problem well, his fixes feel a bit thin. Beyond suggesting churches adopt shorter services and enlist men in more hands-on projects, there aren’t many practical tips for making churches more guy-friendly.
All in all, this is a thought-provoking read, but it could use more actionable advice and a broader view of what it means to be a Christian man today.
December 30, 2025
Ok, I have some issues with this book, namely the application suggestions (doctrinal sound vs butts in the seats), however I did find the majority of the book to be helpful and informative. The first part of the book was a little concerning since we're not really a mega church, and a lot of these smaller congregations are seeing male attendance down. What made me want to pick up the book is the life-long observation that I've had of women seem to fit in a church, and men are portrayed as hating it: Why? Murrow gives plenty of statistics and data, he repeats himself often, and he gives insight into the male mind. I think there is something we can learn from this book. I'm rethinking multiple things and implanting many. Murrow begins the book by saying he's not going to debate theology---and many of the issues I had I would say leans more on a theological point of view.
3.75 stars
3.75 stars
September 25, 2021
My issue with this book is that while he gives a correct diagnosis, that men do not enjoy going to church in the American context as mush as women do, he gives bad solutions to the problem. Some of the solutions he gives even sells men short ( like shorter sermons because men can't sit through an hour long sermon). I think he touches on some interesting and important things , the feminization of larger society and the Church
, The masculine spirit of preaching, etc. His solutions though are too superficial and worldly.
, The masculine spirit of preaching, etc. His solutions though are too superficial and worldly.
July 12, 2016
There are some books which prove quite important to one's growth and development in life because they make evident a pattern, challenge, and/or idea that is true, real, and yet somehow neglected or left unconsidered. Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow is one such book: after reading it, you will never look at Christianity and its practice in 21st century America the same way again.
I first encountered this book a few years ago and was glad to have the chance to read and review the updated and revised edition. "Completely Revised and Updated" is not an exaggeration: I remember many of the key arguments and themes, but in the new edition they are presented more powerfully and underscored with more evidence. My reading of the original edition really caused me to think about the best way of approaching ministry; reading the new edition has led to the same process.
Why Men Hate Going to Church presents one of the pressing challenges of American Christianity: where are all the men? The author sets out the evidence: most churches have a gender gap, featuring far more women than men. The more active the women get, the more likely the men are to leave. When men are not active in churches, their children are less likely to be active in churches, especially their male descendants, and the challenge grows.
The author then provides helpful analysis of the sources of the difficulty: church plays to the strengths of women but the weaknesses of men. Women tend to be more auditory, better at study, more relationally-driven and focused, willing to sit and listen, share, and better at expressing themselves verbally. Men are more visual-spatial, less patient with study, less relationally-focused, fidgety, and often find expressing themselves verbally as challenging.
Men do excel at boldness, willingness to take risks, and engagement in acts of service, but many times these values are not honored as highly in the assembly and in the general life of a church. The author spends some time contrasting different images of Jesus and to whom men and women best relate ("the Lion of Judah" vs. "the Lamb of God"). The author describes how churches better appeal to women, and on account of it, develop a more softened and feminine approach, further alienating men and enhancing women's presence.
Yes, many ministries are male-dominated, but the author does well at showing how ministry is often done by men who are more verbal, studious, and more "feminine" than the average "macho man" (and I, for one, must plead guilty). The author also shows how when women do take over, either in terms of various matters within the congregation or as preachers themselves, men are most often further alienated and their number continues to drop.
The author spends some time looking at historic trends and the various reasons why we have come to the place at which we find ourselves, as well as seeing different experiments that seemed to work in the past (like the YMCA). He also spends a lot of time considering how to bring the men back in: return to a mission-based view, consciously think about how a given prayer, song, lesson, theme, etc., would sound to the average man and adapt accordingly, find things for men to do that play to their strengths, and find ways to work with boys and their particular composition in such a way as to respect their constitution and not develop an inferiority complex in the face of all the girls.
I have some concerns about many of the suggestions which put a lot of the impetus on the church where the Lord put it on the individual Christian in terms of service and in terms of the programs which should be provided for the youth; thankfully, the revised and updated edition put less emphasis on adaptations to the assembly and more on finding ways to get men to serve out in the world. I'm afraid that some of his theological points in terms of masculinity might be a bit too reactionary against an overly feminized version of Christianity; it's understandable but not necessarily beneficial.
These concerns should not distract from the main point of the book or its importance. I believe this is a must read for anyone who seeks to promote the Gospel of Christ and wishes to encourage his or her fellow Christians: you don't have to agree with every point or every solution to gain from the author's perspective and the needed reconsideration of thought, feeling, and practice toward being more inclusive of masculine characteristics. There's a reason Jesus speaks more concretely and obviously about mission than relationship; there's also a reason why Jesus chose 12 men and worked intensively with them. If the church will grow and prosper in the twenty-first century it will need men to stand up with faith, boldness, vision, and effort to promote the Gospel message, and an over-emphasis on the "feminine" aspects to the detriment of the "masculine" aspects of humanity is pushing those men out and away. There are times for preaching and study; there are times for service and boldness. There is a strong need for greater relationship; there is as strong of a need for recognizing, understanding, and accomplishing God's mission for His Kingdom. Let us find ways to bring men into the fold and make sure that we are not pushing them away on account of our distorted emphases or an environment hostile to masculinity!
*---book received as part of early review program
I first encountered this book a few years ago and was glad to have the chance to read and review the updated and revised edition. "Completely Revised and Updated" is not an exaggeration: I remember many of the key arguments and themes, but in the new edition they are presented more powerfully and underscored with more evidence. My reading of the original edition really caused me to think about the best way of approaching ministry; reading the new edition has led to the same process.
Why Men Hate Going to Church presents one of the pressing challenges of American Christianity: where are all the men? The author sets out the evidence: most churches have a gender gap, featuring far more women than men. The more active the women get, the more likely the men are to leave. When men are not active in churches, their children are less likely to be active in churches, especially their male descendants, and the challenge grows.
The author then provides helpful analysis of the sources of the difficulty: church plays to the strengths of women but the weaknesses of men. Women tend to be more auditory, better at study, more relationally-driven and focused, willing to sit and listen, share, and better at expressing themselves verbally. Men are more visual-spatial, less patient with study, less relationally-focused, fidgety, and often find expressing themselves verbally as challenging.
Men do excel at boldness, willingness to take risks, and engagement in acts of service, but many times these values are not honored as highly in the assembly and in the general life of a church. The author spends some time contrasting different images of Jesus and to whom men and women best relate ("the Lion of Judah" vs. "the Lamb of God"). The author describes how churches better appeal to women, and on account of it, develop a more softened and feminine approach, further alienating men and enhancing women's presence.
Yes, many ministries are male-dominated, but the author does well at showing how ministry is often done by men who are more verbal, studious, and more "feminine" than the average "macho man" (and I, for one, must plead guilty). The author also shows how when women do take over, either in terms of various matters within the congregation or as preachers themselves, men are most often further alienated and their number continues to drop.
The author spends some time looking at historic trends and the various reasons why we have come to the place at which we find ourselves, as well as seeing different experiments that seemed to work in the past (like the YMCA). He also spends a lot of time considering how to bring the men back in: return to a mission-based view, consciously think about how a given prayer, song, lesson, theme, etc., would sound to the average man and adapt accordingly, find things for men to do that play to their strengths, and find ways to work with boys and their particular composition in such a way as to respect their constitution and not develop an inferiority complex in the face of all the girls.
I have some concerns about many of the suggestions which put a lot of the impetus on the church where the Lord put it on the individual Christian in terms of service and in terms of the programs which should be provided for the youth; thankfully, the revised and updated edition put less emphasis on adaptations to the assembly and more on finding ways to get men to serve out in the world. I'm afraid that some of his theological points in terms of masculinity might be a bit too reactionary against an overly feminized version of Christianity; it's understandable but not necessarily beneficial.
These concerns should not distract from the main point of the book or its importance. I believe this is a must read for anyone who seeks to promote the Gospel of Christ and wishes to encourage his or her fellow Christians: you don't have to agree with every point or every solution to gain from the author's perspective and the needed reconsideration of thought, feeling, and practice toward being more inclusive of masculine characteristics. There's a reason Jesus speaks more concretely and obviously about mission than relationship; there's also a reason why Jesus chose 12 men and worked intensively with them. If the church will grow and prosper in the twenty-first century it will need men to stand up with faith, boldness, vision, and effort to promote the Gospel message, and an over-emphasis on the "feminine" aspects to the detriment of the "masculine" aspects of humanity is pushing those men out and away. There are times for preaching and study; there are times for service and boldness. There is a strong need for greater relationship; there is as strong of a need for recognizing, understanding, and accomplishing God's mission for His Kingdom. Let us find ways to bring men into the fold and make sure that we are not pushing them away on account of our distorted emphases or an environment hostile to masculinity!
*---book received as part of early review program
February 7, 2022
Powerful insights throughout. I didn't realize just how feminine-leaning Christianity has become in America, but it's hard to argue once Murrow lays out his case and points out plenty of concrete examples.
My biggest critique would be that the solutions in the final quarter of the book are drenched in the consumeristic Christianity mindset. Still, highly recommend the book for anyone in ministry.
My biggest critique would be that the solutions in the final quarter of the book are drenched in the consumeristic Christianity mindset. Still, highly recommend the book for anyone in ministry.
August 17, 2022
I'll admit there's a lot this book taught me, I didn't see or look at the church the same way after reading it, he makes some very valid points in here as to how the church is tailored for a specific group of people.. However it has some pretty skewed, stereotypical assumptions about both men and women that I just couldn't look past... It was hard to read, didn't agree with most of it but I appreciate what it's taught me.
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