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Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It
The widespread stereotyping and discrimination against people who are single has long gone unrecognized, unnamed, and unchallenged. Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., calls it SINGLISM. In this collection, she defines singlism and shows where it is lurking in the workplace, the marketplace, and the media, in advertising, religion, and pseudoscience, in our universities and professional societies, in laws and policies, and in our everyday lives. Dr. DePaulo takes on the issue of why singlism persists – often without apology or even awareness – at a time when so many other isms are considered shameful. Drawing from social science research, she also explains why the simple statement, “I am happy,” when uttered by a person who is single, can elicit paroxysms of hostility, denial, and scorn. "Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It" also includes contributions from a wide range of authors, experts, activists, and cutting-edge thinkers. They share their understandings of singlism and their stories of standing up to it, and they inspire us all to live our lives fully and joyfully. The book also includes a section on singlism’s cousin – the stereotyping and stigmatizing of adults with no children.
266 pages, Paperback
Published May 17, 2011
21 people are currently reading
261 people want to read
About the author
Bella DePaulo
24 books87 followersI’m Bella DePaulo. I’m proud to say that I’ve always been single and I always will be.
• “Single at heart” is my term for people who love being single – single life is our most meaningful, fulfilling, authentic, and psychologically rich life. My latest book, “Single at Heart,” is all about that.
• The Atlantic magazine described me as “America’s foremost thinker and writer on the single experience.”
• My TEDx talk, “What no one ever told you about people who are single,” has been viewed more than 1.6 million times.
• My 1st book about singles was Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (St. Martin’s)
• I’m a social psychologist, a Harvard PhD with more than 150 scholarly publications. My 2023 article, "Single and flourishing: Transcending the deficit narratives of single life," was published in an academic journal but I wrote it in an engaging and jargon-free way so you don’t have to be an academic to enjoy it.
• I have bylines in the New York Times, the Washington Post, New York magazine, the Atlantic, Time magazine, the Guardian, the Chronicle of Higher Education, NBC, CNN, and many more.
• My work on single people has been described in many publications in the US and around the world, including, for example, the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, New York magazine, Time magazine, the Atlantic, the Economist, the Week, the Nation, Business Week, AARP Magazine, Newsweek, and the TED Ideas Blog.
• I have been writing the “Living Single” blog for Psychology Today since 2008.
• I have been on NPR many times, as well as many other podcasts and radio shows.
• In 2022, I discussed single people with Maria Shriver on the Today show.
You can learn more about me at my website, www.BellaDePaulo.com.
• “Single at heart” is my term for people who love being single – single life is our most meaningful, fulfilling, authentic, and psychologically rich life. My latest book, “Single at Heart,” is all about that.
• The Atlantic magazine described me as “America’s foremost thinker and writer on the single experience.”
• My TEDx talk, “What no one ever told you about people who are single,” has been viewed more than 1.6 million times.
• My 1st book about singles was Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (St. Martin’s)
• I’m a social psychologist, a Harvard PhD with more than 150 scholarly publications. My 2023 article, "Single and flourishing: Transcending the deficit narratives of single life," was published in an academic journal but I wrote it in an engaging and jargon-free way so you don’t have to be an academic to enjoy it.
• I have bylines in the New York Times, the Washington Post, New York magazine, the Atlantic, Time magazine, the Guardian, the Chronicle of Higher Education, NBC, CNN, and many more.
• My work on single people has been described in many publications in the US and around the world, including, for example, the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, New York magazine, Time magazine, the Atlantic, the Economist, the Week, the Nation, Business Week, AARP Magazine, Newsweek, and the TED Ideas Blog.
• I have been writing the “Living Single” blog for Psychology Today since 2008.
• I have been on NPR many times, as well as many other podcasts and radio shows.
• In 2022, I discussed single people with Maria Shriver on the Today show.
You can learn more about me at my website, www.BellaDePaulo.com.
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
January 19, 2017
I thought that this was a very wide-ranging look at the issues facing people who chose to be single. It is staggering to read that there are so many benefits and concessions within the US system and culture which advantage married people only. The 'singlism' faced is not only financial, there are social and employment penalties too, such as being expected to cover early/late shifts and being left with the unwanted holiday times. As if single people do not have relatives and friends and a life of their own. Some of them are so subtle that most people don't even realise that the world overly favours the married or if they do, they don't see it as a problem. No-one should be penalised for their marital status. Very informative read. Rating: 4 stars.
February 6, 2017
Since learning about Bella DePaulo last summer, I've grown to admire and respect her very much. Her blog, Living Single, at Psychology Today's website, is fascinating.
In this collection, she eloquently and thoroughly portrays the issues single people face. It is composed of her blog posts and essays by others. Singlism (the stereotyping and stigmatizing of single people) is obviously more benign than the other isms (racism, sexism, etc.), but it hurts people nonetheless.
As a lifelong single person who has no interest in romantic relationships (just like Bella, who is twice my age and still living happily ever after), I've been subject to almost all of the singlism described in this book: people assuming I'm secretly gay (nope), being pitied (I have very few problems, and being single isn't one of them), being set up (always super awkward!), having to justify why I'm single (no one asks married people why they're married, says Bella), being treated as immature (the phrase "settle down" is so problematic I can't even) ... I've dealt with it all. And anyone who has been single for long periods of time can probably relate really well to this book too. It's not just for the ever-singles (Bella calls us "single at heart"). In fact, I wish unsingle people would read this book, if only to become aware of all the ways they are ignorant of what singles have to deal with. (One of my favorite of Bella's points is that single people never question coupled people's choices. "Aww, don't worry, you'll get divorced one day," said no one ever.)
In my experience, everyone's comments are well-intentioned; after all, if the person giving me a hard time is happily married, they just want me to be as happy as they are. But guess what? Who says I'm not already? People define their own happiness. Not everyone likes the same books ... so it makes perfect sense that not everyone wants to live their lives the same way. As Bella and the other authors describe, one reason for singlism could be fear of the status quo slipping away. As more and more people marry later in life or choose not to marry at all (rates for both are on the rise), our culture changes--and that scares some people. For the first time ever, less people are living in nuclear families than in other configurations. This book goes into lots of detail on what this means for singles, discrimination against them, and the future of our society (by our, I mean the U.S.).
This book also covers the singlism of the federal government. Two major examples: I can't put another adult on my health insurance plan unless we're married. And married people can leave their social security benefits to their spouse when they die; singles can't designate a person because their money goes back into the system.
Overall, this book gives a good overview of what singlism is, why it's harmful, and how to deal with it. I urge you to look up Bella's Living Single blog and see if that sucks you in. If it does, you'll enjoy this book.
In this collection, she eloquently and thoroughly portrays the issues single people face. It is composed of her blog posts and essays by others. Singlism (the stereotyping and stigmatizing of single people) is obviously more benign than the other isms (racism, sexism, etc.), but it hurts people nonetheless.
As a lifelong single person who has no interest in romantic relationships (just like Bella, who is twice my age and still living happily ever after), I've been subject to almost all of the singlism described in this book: people assuming I'm secretly gay (nope), being pitied (I have very few problems, and being single isn't one of them), being set up (always super awkward!), having to justify why I'm single (no one asks married people why they're married, says Bella), being treated as immature (the phrase "settle down" is so problematic I can't even) ... I've dealt with it all. And anyone who has been single for long periods of time can probably relate really well to this book too. It's not just for the ever-singles (Bella calls us "single at heart"). In fact, I wish unsingle people would read this book, if only to become aware of all the ways they are ignorant of what singles have to deal with. (One of my favorite of Bella's points is that single people never question coupled people's choices. "Aww, don't worry, you'll get divorced one day," said no one ever.)
In my experience, everyone's comments are well-intentioned; after all, if the person giving me a hard time is happily married, they just want me to be as happy as they are. But guess what? Who says I'm not already? People define their own happiness. Not everyone likes the same books ... so it makes perfect sense that not everyone wants to live their lives the same way. As Bella and the other authors describe, one reason for singlism could be fear of the status quo slipping away. As more and more people marry later in life or choose not to marry at all (rates for both are on the rise), our culture changes--and that scares some people. For the first time ever, less people are living in nuclear families than in other configurations. This book goes into lots of detail on what this means for singles, discrimination against them, and the future of our society (by our, I mean the U.S.).
This book also covers the singlism of the federal government. Two major examples: I can't put another adult on my health insurance plan unless we're married. And married people can leave their social security benefits to their spouse when they die; singles can't designate a person because their money goes back into the system.
Overall, this book gives a good overview of what singlism is, why it's harmful, and how to deal with it. I urge you to look up Bella's Living Single blog and see if that sucks you in. If it does, you'll enjoy this book.
March 9, 2015
I only read 25% of the book; while I agree entirely with the premise behind it, rather than a single, cohesive narrative, it's a collection of shorter articles and blog posts, and therefore a fair amount of info is repeated over and over, and I quickly stopped caring.
January 5, 2018
This very well-researched book tears down a lot of enduring social stereotypes that sound superficially plausible, but don't hold up at all to closer examination. So, single people are unhappy? Not really - unless you talk about those from the side effects of marriage, so widowed and divorced people and not those who are, to use DePaulo's own phrase, "single at heart". Singles are selfish? Nope, they're more likely to volunteer or help out other family members. Singles are looking for a mate above everything else - no, they're getting on with life and often more than happy with the thought of doing it solo.
This is despite practically everything being against them, whether it be social expectations, First World tax systems, hidden curricula in modern culture saying incorrectly that marriage and children is practically a panacea for all, and myriad other things.
DePaulo's style is quite informal and sometimes rather blog-like, making a very engaging read. If you're single and know you're happy that way, this book will reinforce your perspective and probably inform you of fields where single people are somewhat mistreated. If you're married, buy it anyway as only then may you realise fully to what extent your position is favoured by the state.
A book that was overdue, and truly does its topic matter justice.
This is despite practically everything being against them, whether it be social expectations, First World tax systems, hidden curricula in modern culture saying incorrectly that marriage and children is practically a panacea for all, and myriad other things.
DePaulo's style is quite informal and sometimes rather blog-like, making a very engaging read. If you're single and know you're happy that way, this book will reinforce your perspective and probably inform you of fields where single people are somewhat mistreated. If you're married, buy it anyway as only then may you realise fully to what extent your position is favoured by the state.
A book that was overdue, and truly does its topic matter justice.
October 10, 2013
I found this to be an enlightening narrative about the discrimination that singles face, often without even realizing that they are being discriminated against.
My only critiques for this book are small grammatical and/or spelling errors and that this wasn't so much a "book" as it was a "blog" in book format. It took me a long time to finish this book because I found myself reading some of the same things over and over again, simply because they were in multiple blog posts.
My only critiques for this book are small grammatical and/or spelling errors and that this wasn't so much a "book" as it was a "blog" in book format. It took me a long time to finish this book because I found myself reading some of the same things over and over again, simply because they were in multiple blog posts.
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June 23, 2015Changed my perspective on life
Reminded me that single doesn't have to be a transition. Some purgatory between the hell of singles and the heaven of coupledom. For me, who has very rarely been coupled, that idea really filled me with anxiety and led to a feeling of being unsettled and incomplete. By page 10 of this book, my perspective changed. My eyes were opened and I feel so much better about my life! I am now reading the rest of her books.
Reminded me that single doesn't have to be a transition. Some purgatory between the hell of singles and the heaven of coupledom. For me, who has very rarely been coupled, that idea really filled me with anxiety and led to a feeling of being unsettled and incomplete. By page 10 of this book, my perspective changed. My eyes were opened and I feel so much better about my life! I am now reading the rest of her books.
September 23, 2016
The content was interesting, but the format of having just copied out blog posts, etc. with links to other articles really bothered me by the end. I was reading a physical book, and wanted to know what she was referring to, and the link rather than a footnote or citation just seemed lazy. It works for an ebook format, but they should have updated the print book with appropriate citation information.
June 19, 2011
My piece, "Singular Friendships," about the erasure of friendships in favour of narratives about romantic love, is in this, so I'm biased.
June 18, 2017
Thought-provoking.
May 13, 2023
It was pretty simple.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews