I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can

by Barbara Gordon

Barbara Gordon's groundbreaking memoir tells the extraordinary story of a woman who has it all, or thinks she does: a career as an Emmy-award-winning documentary producer, a man she loves, a world of friends, and a beautiful apartment in Manhattan.

But in spite of the pills prescribed by her doctor, a nameless terror disrupting her daily life intensifies until she is besieged by crippling anxiety attacks. A formerly strong, independent, successful woman, Barbara's life becomes a nightmare of paralysis and fear.

When Barbara finds herself unable to leave her apartment or walk the streets of New York alone, she decides to take charge of her life. She doesn't want pills, she wants answers. Instead of ending her fears, quitting the medicine leads to the unraveling of what she thought was her perfect life, and Barbara becomes a casualty of a flawed and inept mental health system. I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can is a strikingly honest look at a life gone off the rails. Throughout her journey, Gordon's hope and strength make her an incredible heroine worth rooting for.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Psychology, Addiction, Autobiography, Biography Memoir

362 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1980

About the author

Barbara Gordon, author of I’m Dancing as Fast as I Can, Jennifer Fever (1988), and Defects of the Heart (1983), was born in Miami Beach, Florida. After graduation from Barnard College in New York City, she worked for almost twenty years in television as a writer and producer.

Barbara Gordon won her first Emmy in 1974 as a writer for the Channel 2 Eye On Series Documentary for WCBS, Superlandlord: Who Owns This Town? In 1975, she received her second Emmy for producing the Channel 2 Eye On series. She was also a producer for the PBS Emmy Award winning series, The Great American Dream Machine, where she filmed segments on such diverse personalities as Studs Terkel, Dalton Trumbo and Jane Fonda. In addition, she wrote and produced the documentary, NET Journal, The Drinking American, for NET in 1968. Prior to that, Barbara Gordon worked as a writer for NBC’s Today Show.

Her autobiography, I’m Dancing as Fast as I Can, was a nationwide bestseller in both hardcover and paperback, as well as a finalist for the American Book Award.

Barbara Gordon currently lives in New York City. She lectures around the country on a regular basis.

Reviews

[Debbie "DJ" · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible. This book scared the shit out of me! It's a true story of one woman's descent into madness after she stops taking a prescribed drug called Valium. It was originally published 30 years ago. Imagine 30 years...no internet, god-like doctors, treatment centers? Unheard of! And to top it off addiction was little understood and seldom discussed. Gordon's new preference describes all this, and also mentions the thousands of letters that came pouring in at the time. Most either had their own horror stories, or thanked her for bringing such a hidden secret into the light.

Gordon begins by talking about her bouts of anxiety. How they seem to be getting worse even though she is taking her prescription. She decided she wants to try life without this drug and makes a phone call to her doctor. She is told the drug is non-addictive and if she stops, to do so "cold turkey." Valium is in a class of medications known as "benzos."The only way to quit such a medication is a very slow taper. Yet, Gordon follows "doctors orders." In the span of one week Gordon goes from being an Emmy award winning documentary film maker to a woman who has lost control of everything. She describes in detail what happens to her body and mind, eventually ending up in two separate mental institutions. I will never forget the stories of inept psychiatrists, life in an institution, and what it feels like to literally lose your mind.

On a personal note, I was prescribed a medication called Klonopin 20 years ago for Restless Leg Syndrome. I discovered it belonged to this class of "benzos" three weeks before I started reading this book. I always look up any new medication prescribed, yet why had I failed to do so with an older one? Wish I had an answer, but talk about a wake up call...these drugs are linked to Alzheimer's! These days there seems to be a drug for everything, a one size fits all mentality. While I realize many drugs are needed, how many simply put our life in danger?

[Warren Friedman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found the original paperback on the shelves of my work "library." I didn't think I'd get into it. I thought I'd find it outdated and a relic. Boy was I wrong. I was riveted, couldn't put it down. I found it enthralling. Yes, it's about Valium and psychoanalysis, hearkening back to the 70s, and the author's counter-cultural "living together" with her boyfriend. There's also some outrageous sexism by psychiatrists telling the author to stop being a hysterical woman as they make excuses for her abusive boyfriend and tell her he's a good guy and she should go back to him!!!! (So hard to believe today.) But you know what? Today women are over-prescribed anti-anxiety meds, such as Xanax, to which they become addicted. So the medication may have changed, and the prescribed treatment (insurance won't pay for time and cost-consuming psychoanalysis), but the story is essentially the same, believe it or not. Anyway, I couldn't put the book down.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book tells the true story of Barbara Gordon and her struggle with an addiction to Valium and her struggles to overcome it. She wasn’t even aware she was addicted until she decided one day she didn’t want to live relying on pills to feel better and quit them cold turkey. That sends her into a tailspin of withdrawal and puts a huge strain on all her relationships and her job as a documentary writer. In this book she shares what she went through every step of the way; the pain, anger, aloneness, emptiness, and sadness she felt. Barbara cycles through many psychologists and mental hospital stays before she finally finds the people and ways that help her cope and get her life somewhat back together.

As I read, I found myself trying to (like Barbara did) diagnose her mental illness. I also had flashbacks of my own when she was talking about the mentally ill patients she is with and the hospitals she is in because of having worked as a mental health nurse in my early years of nursing. I understood everything she was trying to relay to the reader about how the mental wards/hospitals are and the people in them. I could “see” the patients she was describing that surrounded her. This book is an amazing way to let people see how hard it is for people suffering from addiction/withdrawal/mental illness. Barbara did an amazing job sharing, what for her was no doubt very hard things to share, with us…the readers. At the end she says she wasn’t going to ever right this book for a release, but felt it was something she wanted to do, so people could relate, learn, or know that they are not alone in mental illness. Personally and as a nurse, I think this book was the bravest thing anyone could do. Mental illness is looked at in very negative ways all over the world, but I don’t think it should be. It should be something that is looked at as a real illness, not just something that because a person doesn’t look sick necessarily, should be overlooked. I feel anyone who reads this book is taking a step to learn about what they may not know and learn how to/when to get help if need be. Barbara is a true inspiration to all and a very strong person for having made it as far as she has, having gone through what she did.

I would very highly recommend this book! 5 out of 5 stars from me, was wonderfully written and conveyed exactly what Barbara went through to overcome a great hurtle in her life…an addiction to Valium.

I received this book free from a giveaway through goodreads.com

[John Devlin · Rating 1 out of 5]

Certainly important as a seminal memoir in sketching the unknown dangers of prescription drugs and the everywoman that took them, Dancing starts strong detailing a woman balancing a successful career, a seemingly strong love relationship, while hiding her agoraphobia behind an ever growing amount of valium. Once off the drugs, she descends into deep neurosis made worse by her lover's parallel psychosis. This is where the novel falls apart. With 200 pages to go the author engages in interminable complaints and navel gazing. Her self-absorption is made worse because while she cries and cries she has the luxury of paying and paying for therapists, not work, and of course there's always her beach house to go back to. This quote sums up the character, "Am I going to spend the rest of my life falling in love with men that I can't have? Will I always be the bad girl who deserves to be unhappy? Tell me what's the matter with me?" 200 pages of this narcissism is too much to stomach.

[Aaron Sells · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't put this book down. Exceptionally well-written nonfiction on the subject of addiction and benzodiazepine dependency; captivating plot with strong theme, character development.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wenn eine Freundin dieses Buch trotz 9 Knoten Geschwindigkeit und 20 Grad Schräglage des Segelboots nicht zur Seite legen kann, muss es ja lesenswert sein. Tatsächlich überzeugt dieses Buch auf ganzer Linie, auch wenn mich Barbara Gordon zwischendurch so sehr aufgeregt hatte, dass ich das Buch zur Seite legen musste. Dies lag aber wohl primär einfach daran, dass Barbara Gordon an dieser Stelle ausdrücklich beschrieb, wie sie vor lauter Selbstmitleid im Leben nicht zurecht kam. Aber gerade dies macht diese Autobiographie so spannend und authentisch. Diese Authentizität garantiert einen einmaligen Einblick in die Entwicklung der Psychotherapie über die Zeit, aber auch den bis heute aktuellen Umgang mit Beruhigungsmitteln und Psychopharmaka. Ein unbequem ehrliches, tiefgreifendes Buch – kein angenehmer Pageturner, sondern ein Stück Wahrheit zwischen Angst, Abhängigkeit und Aufbruch. Lesenswert – auch bei 9 Knoten.

[Rachel · Rating 1 out of 5]

I REALLY wanted to like this book. I really did. Let me just be honest upfront here. I've been through addiction, and it is not a pretty or fun path to go down. It's horrific. And normally I could never rate a memoir about addiction only 1 star because even if it isn't well written, I can feel what they are feeling, even years later. But at the heart of it, this book is not about addiction. No, I am not a doctor, but these are MY opinions, having unfortunately been there and done that. I understand more than anyone can know that addiction is different for everyone. But what she describes is dependence on a medication. Anyone who takes a medication for a certain amount of time can become dependent on it, or need it for their bodies and minds to function properly. While withdrawal is one symptom of addiction, another is tolerance, meaning you need more of the specified drug for it to work properly, increasing the dosage on your own until it becomes so high it would kill a normal person taking it for the first time. As Gordon describes it, she still took the recommended dosage and never more. Don't get me wrong, I am not criticizing her for not being addicted, but it bothers me that this has been sold as a harrowing journey of addiction, when in actuality it is a memoir of a woman with serious mental health issues. If I had gone into the book knowing I was reading a book only about mental health issues and she hadn't kept mentioning addiction, I may have different thoughts about the book. I read it all the way to 68% and skimmed the rest. I just couldn't deal with her whining and "why do I always fall for the bad guy" and other narcissistic rants. The first 100 pages was at least semi-interesting. After that it was a pity party. I just can't recommend this to anyone when there are so many other good books about addiction and mental health out there.

[Brenda · Rating 2 out of 5]

I won this book on first reads. To be honest I found this book boring. The major topic of this book was addiction & withdraw.

Gordon could have condensed this book to about 100 pages. The only interesting section was also the very traumatic section about Eric. Gordon rambles on about the specifics of her conversations with her psychiatrist, Julie far too long. And although Gordon should be proud of her journalistic accomplishments, I'm not sure she needs to mention them in every chapter.

The positive- I gained some knowledge about just how lengthy a relapse can be, as well as how mind-numbing a prescription drug can be to the point that Gordon's incredibly terrifying relationship with Eric seemed normal to her while taking Valium. BTW- Gordon's friends definitely should have called the police on Eric, despite Gordon having a reputation to uphold in the community, I mean come on!

[Beth Moore]

Way ahead of its time as far as prescription drug abuse and women trying to DO IT ALL. Good read.

[Michael Lombardi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Considering this was written in the 70s, it's still extremely relevant today. Amazing story about prescription pill abuse, withdrawal and recovery.

[Therese · Rating 4 out of 5]

$.99

This is the story of a woman who gets addicted to prescription drugs and decides to quit cold turkey even though she seemingly has everything. Unfortunately the doctor she has been seeing for the last 10 years tells her to go ahead but not to take one single pill.

Everything starts to go out of control at this point including the man she has been living with for five years as he becomes more controlling and abusive even though she knows she desperately needs help.

Even though this was written over 30 years ago, it could just as easily have been written today except we are more aware of mental illness and addictions although I wonder exactly just how much more?

The author was "fortunate" that she had a high-paying job and was able to pay for her care and treatment for quite a while and then her parents helped with the rest. It made me wonder how many people need help but cannot afford it. I'm sure the numbers are countless...

For some reason this title sounded familiar even though I never read the book when it was first published or saw the movie. I hope I can find an affordable version to watch even though neither has gotten rave reviews from what I have been able to find.

Another reason this book kept my interest was that I have also been on Valium for nearly 40 years. The author started taking it for pain. I began taking it for muscle spasms and over the years have decreased my dosage buy a great deal. Still there have been a couple of times when I have run out and withdrawal starts to set in. It is very real and scary. My doctor told me NEVER to try going off this cold turkey. It could be deadly. I believe him. I'm just thankful that I've been able to keep all of my things under control, although I wonder how much it has affected me over the years. I guess that is the question I will never have an answer for.

[Isabella Tugman - Audiobook Narrator · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book through a Goodreads First-Reads giveaway. Thank you!

I was very excited that I won this book, and I wasn't disappointed when I read it.

Barbara Gordon, a three-time Emmy award winning filmmaker, wrote about how her world fell apart after taking, and trying to stop taking Valium for anxiety attacks. She exposes the crazy world of the mental health business, and how it can go awry and become very dangerous. Her journey through prescription drugs, therapists, mental hospitals, and relationships with herself and others makes for an engaging and insightful read.

I this this is a very important read for anyone studying psychology/psychiatry, as well as for anyone who has experienced a traumatic event or has mental health issues or depression. Quite the page turner, I was fuming at the medical professionals who were supposed to help, but instead drove their patients into worse situations.

Though it was first published 30 years ago, this book is still a very good expose for mental health care and treatments today. A bestseller, it has been translated into 9 different languages and made into a movie. Though, I hear that Barbara Gordon was not pleased with the film.

**UPDATE**

I just watched the film, and it was terrible - bad acting, bad lighting, bad directing, and it was nothing like the book. I do not recommend the movie. Read the book.

[Arlene Starr · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can, by Barbara Gordon
This book is non-fiction about the dramatic, heart-wrenching story of Barbara Gordon's Valium-induced breakdown-a breakdown that need never have happened—and of Ms. Gordon's courageous struggle back to a new life. You wouldn't read this book for entertainment, but it is interestingly written and presents information about the terror of being on the brink of madness, and the drug abuse which can accompany psychiatric treatment. In my opinion because she is a person of strong will and courage and even “bratty” at times, and that she was assigned an excellent psychiatrist "luck of the draw" while in the mental institution, she was able to cope with the daily ordeal while institutionalized. As time went along she became more frightened of leaving. With the encouragement of her psychiatrist and the help of friends and what she had learned about balancing life, the good and bad, the reality of it, she was able to regain her sanity and ability to function as a normal individual.

[Goodstorylover · Rating 5 out of 5]

Četla jsem už dost dávno, ještě za "starého režimu" (mám vydání z roku 1985), a pamatuji si, jak jsem se nemohla od knihy odtrhnout. Hrdinka mi nebyla vždy sympatická, občas mi doslova lezla na nervy tím neustálým zabýváním se sama sebou, ale nemůžu popřít, že jsem na konci měla očistný pocit, jako bych tím vším prošla s ní. Čím jsem starší, tím víc oceňuji její odvahu jak k napsání, tak k boji o svůj osud - i proti lékařům, kteří na jejím stavu měli velký podíl. Trochu mi to připomnělo, proč se mi tolik líbí Obyčejní lidé.
EDIT (2024) - Read in English for the first time - and I still stand by my original review. This book is honest, frank and did age quite well (if you bear in mind the time the story takes place in). The heroine might get on your nerves in places by her constant selfanalyzing of her feelings, motives etc., but her courage to fight for her sanity even against professionals is really impressive. To find a good, professional, but also human and wise therapist sounds like a challenge in today´s society as well.

[Rebecca I · Rating 4 out of 5]

This classic book tells about a woman whose life is turned upside down due to stopping taking the anti anxiety medication valium cold turkey. It is dated but many of the lessons form the book still apply. It is difficult to get good and consistent mental health treatment. It is difficult to make a choice of therapists ( if you even have a choice) while in the midst of a mental health problem or crisis. There is some benefit to talk therapy and to drug therapy, but the right combination is a matter of some trial and error and a delicate process. It often isn't helpful to have a diagnosis - and sometimes even experts don't agree on what the diagnosis is. There is still some stigma attached to having a diagnosis or having people other than your closest friends know that you have mental health problems.
Fortunately this author is still alive and has gone on to have a good career and write other books.

[♥ Sandi ❣ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have an autographed copy of this book after helping to bring Brabara Gordon into the agency I worked for, as a conference speaker. This woman is amazing. Her story is amazing - it tells of drug addiction, getting off the drugs and her whole life of loss in between. I give this book 4 stars. After reading it years ago, it was mentioned to me recently and I had to pull it out and re-read it. Happy I did.

[Fishface · Rating 3 out of 5]

My first introduction to benzodiazepine addiction. Yikes. This book was really more about her relationship with her boyfriend than her relationship with Valium, but the way her doctor kept giving her more and more of the stuff was alarming. I would have been much more alarmed if I knew at that tender age how dangerous the stuff was. She more or less left out what the pills themselves were doing to her -- even the withdrawal, which must have been brutal.

[Teresa · Rating 5 out of 5]

God guided me to this book when I was experiencing traumatic events in High School from peer pressure. In English class, we all had to go to the school's library and pick out a book to do for a report. It just so happened that I was into dancing, and happened to pick this book up... thinking it was just about dancing! But it was actually about ME. Thank you Jesus.

[Marsha · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oh boo hoo. You used doctor prescribed drugs, fooled yourself that made it ok and wound up addicted and had trouble with the detox. My, how original. Puuuhlease. Truely Sarah Heartburn material all the way.

[Jax Riley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve seen a lot of reviews who either condemn Barbara or just don’t get it. I’m Dancing As Fast As I Can is the story of a woman who grew up in a family where she was expected to be a housewife taking care of her husband and children. But Barbara wanted more and left Miami to forge her own path. She became an Emmy award-winning filmmaker in a time when women weren’t expected to be the breadwinners. Combined with the pressures of working in television, the roles also got reversed with her partner Eric who really had no life of his own. He relied on her to provide him clients when he had very few of his own, her friends became his though association. It’s not hard to see where the problems started or why she chose to treat it the way she did. A doctor wrote a script, she took it because it helped. Her doctor also is the one who told her to stop taking Valium cold turkey, not one pill no matter what (the film diverts grossly in this sense and has Barbara telling her doctor she is quitting cold turkey and flushes them all away). And THAT is where the problem exploded. The film version did a disservice to Barbara Gordon. The book is brutally honest and courageous, and I applaud her strength to regain her life back and publish her book. She is a strong woman and the book provides valuable, relevant insight to anybody struggling with anxiety, even 42 years after its release. Even years later when People magazine interviewed her she did not condemn Valium and thinks it still has a place. She only objects to its overuse as an everyday medication which is not not intended to be used in that manner.

[Ella Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Long, laborious, painful, expensive, frustrating and time-consuming, living is. But living is preferable."

Chronicling the downward spiral of an acclaimed documentary filmmaker after quitting Valium cold-turkey, this memoir exposes the frightening effects that prescription drugs can have over our mental well-being and also of the inadequacies of the doctors, therapists, and psychologists who continue to wantonly hand them out.

While I so wanted to love this book, I just couldn't get into it. I kept waiting for some kind of climax or epiphany but sadly none came. Another issue I had was the claim on the back that she found love with a fellow patient and that he ultimately healed her and helped her find her way in life again. This was very misleading. In reality the ending was rather abrupt and unresolved and left me thinking, "what was the point?"

[Jim Richardson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read this book when I first picked it up. As I got into it, I found the last half of chapter 4 quite unbelievable. As I continued reading, chapter 4 became more and more believable. I have no experience in the area. I took basic psychology in college as well as a course in developmental psychology dealing with how children think as they go from babies to young adults. I didn’t think much of the first course, but I did take a lot away from the second course.

By the end of this book I felt like I had lived the author’s torment in a very personal way. I can imagine that the act of writing this book was very painful yet beneficial to author.

[Marilyn Sue Michel · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author spent too many pages on her institutional romance and did not provide much information about how she got there. My paperback edition was from 1980. She refers to her "terrible childhood" numerous times, but only describes one incident of being beaten by her father when she was five years old, for almost nothing. Her father may have been drunk at the time. Surely there were other incidents that resulted in her anxiety attacks as an adult, but she only wants to discuss the pills and alcohol, not the underlying factors.

[T. Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book! I read this book many years ago as a teenager. As with so many of the books I read in my lifetime, the book was one from my mother's library, hardcover. I wonder how many of the women I knew when I was growing up were affected by the drugs they were prescribed back then. Was my own family affected? I think so. I remember the drug names they took back then. A few are off the market now. I remember the book as an important read in life about mental health. We have come a long way, baby!

[Kara · Rating 5 out of 5]

That was a memorable book that left a mark. Through this work, I know I am not alone. I felt like I was for my entire life but this book made it clear, plain as day that I am not. After over five years of fighting to get off a benzo, I was hospitalized in April. I put this off for as long as I could, like 2 1/2 years. It was a messy process, but like most (hopefully) this has a happy ending. I found a doctor to help, who actually knew how to help, and he recommended this book and spoke with my external provider. The work is still not easy. I am still not where I want to be but I know I can get there. And now after reading this book I know to expect a longer recovery that I would necessarily like. This hit so close to home I had to
Really take my time with it. I’m glad I finished it amidst another flare (yay panic attacks) in my journey to wellness

[Lana Ghion · Rating 4 out of 5]

the book is very well written, at first I thought it was fiction, especially the part where she describes what her abusive boyfriend did, it was absurd! I was glad she was forgetting about him, but the rest was spiraling anxiety about her life. I admire Barbara Gordon for her story and for overcoming it, but it was exhausting to keep reading. It took her a looong time to love herself the way she should.

[Bamboozlepig · Rating 1 out of 5]

I've battled addiction myself, so I know what it's like to go down that dark road. But I just couldn't get into this. It came off as whiny and petty, with plenty of narcisstic navel-gazing. Mind you, I don't think Gordon deserved any of the abuse that she got from her boyfriend and her doctors, but I just couldn't get into her self-asorption as much as she could.

[Michele Moro · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started this book thinking it was a fictional horror. It wasn’t until I sat with a friend, telling her that is was starting to get creeped out a bit by the characters, she said, you know it’s based on a true story, right? I said, oh, my God, no, I did not know that. At that moment, I picked the book back up and finished it. I was completely engrossed. my heart was in it, completely.

[Lee · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the true story of a woman with mental illness and the issues she encountered in trying to get well from mental hospitals and psychiatrists and drugs. She received contradictory advice and treatments, some of which were outright dangerous, like going cold turkey off Valium.

[Heidi Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Terrifying and beautifully written.