At Your Own Risk

by Derek Jarman

British filmmaker, author, AIDS activist, and all-around cultural upstart, Jarman has written a moving, visually evocative memoir of his life and times. One of the first filmmakers to project an unabashed gay sensibility onto screen, Jarman creates here a montage of autobiography, interviews, and social history that shifts back and forth through time, resulting in an intriguing portrait of his personal and artistic growth from the 1940s to the present. Jarman is able to distill the essence of an era with just a few well-chosen anecdotes. He is outraged at what he sees as the complicit passivity of the British government's response to the AIDS epidemic; throughout, he drops the uncaring words of government officials like deadly bombs. Some readers may find his honesty brazen and offensive, but Jarman is truly a spokesman for his tribe, a teacher and a sage who, while staring death in the face, keeps his eyes open to report back with a deep understanding of what is important to the gay community. Highly recommended.

- Jeffery Ingram, Newport P.L., Ore.
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Genres: LGBT, Nonfiction, Queer, Biography, Memoir, History, Gay

144 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1992

About the author

Derek Jarman was an English film director, stage designer, artist, and writer.

Reviews

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

A king’s college library copy of this book now has a few of my tear stains on page 134

[Noel · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I was another young man corrupted and co-opted by heterosexuality, my mind still swimming about in the cesspit which is known as family life, subjected to a Christian love whose ugliness would shatter a mirror. I had to destroy my inheritance to face you and love you.”

I should have written a proper review earlier—after finishing this, I was struck with the most tender, loving sympathy and the strangest admiration for this man I knew nothing about and would never meet, verging, or more than verging, on a crush, and I watched about five of his films, most of which I didn’t like, yet I’m practically counting the seconds until I have privacy again after the holidays at my parents’ house and will be able to watch the rest of his filmography… which I can’t imagine I’ll like (anyway, thank god for Kanopy). I’m currently reading Modern Nature, his collection of diary entries between 1989 and 1990, which is mostly about flowers.





Derek Jarman by Ray Dean, 1968.

[Andrew H · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like much of Derek Jarman, this is memoir. It is more direct than his other works, however, and more brutal. Jarman has told of his first sexual experience, in earlier works, with humour and softness. In this is stripped of any mythic wittiness: Derek was nine and trying "to fuck" a friend in a dormitory bed. The polemical in this work outweighs the poetic. And its most interesting parts are the way in which it collects factual records. In one part, almost collage, Jarman sets homophobic press cuttings against accounts from the gay press. Published close to Jarman's death, reads like a life purged -- nothing remains but skeletal dissent and defiance. It is a short but major historical work.

[Chase · Rating 5 out of 5]

Derek Jarman is an acute thinker, though much of what he navigates in At Your Own Risk is reprints of interviews and media. Jarman ruminates upon the devastating (and wildly queer) affect of an AIDS-era England, with a particular 'no-fucks-given' attitude for which he is so well known. His commentary is spitting, necessarily salacious, and voraciously humorous. Nearly all queer-identified persons will find this a pleasantly fulfilling and devastatingly accurate account of desire in 'apocryphal' times.

(Postscript: Here's a fab detailed review for At Your Own Risk if you need additional motivation to pick it up.)

[Sheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I became totally re-obsessed with Derek Jarman last year, and finally read a couple of his available memoirs. His films are really incredible and everyone with an interest in film should study them, but I have to say that I was even more moved by his writing. He was one of the first celebrities in England to reveal his HIV positive status, and he was a very outspoken activist around queer/AIDS issues up until the end of his life. Totally open and unapologetic about his lifestyle, this recording of both the minutiae of his life (gardening, parties, interactions with his parents, love affairs, filmmaking) and the public picture (political activism, public reaction to his AIDS and his films) is inspiring reading for those who remember the 80s and 90s queer radicalism, and those who just want to read a real life account of someone who lived his life in the public eye, on his own terms.

[jojo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Gah. This one is very difficult to review. Jarman is a great writer, fluid, vivid and with an eye for funny, lively text. I'd have given this 5 for his description of gay life in his era, especially for his account of the AIDS crisis, his friends, surroundings, and the inspiring way gay people shared information on the virus to protect themselves- their info network was far better than the nonsense peddled by the papers. In some ways he was very forward-thinking and independent, seeing labels as restrictive. He was a vibrant visual thinker, but was also good with text, which is an rare quality to have.

His bravery in being open about his HIV+ status was deeply admirable, and his political commitment to making queerness safer has a refreshing candour, joy in life and optimism. His examples of the poisonous cruelty towards HIV and AIDS victims in the 80s are both shocking and saddening to read. I feel the historical difficulties of gay men is often forgotten , and a lot of this book is a good reminder of what they endured. He doesn't ignore class discrimination- there were plenty of gay men embedded in the political, royal and religious establishment, but few out, and it was evidently easier to evade the system when you were a part of it. He also points out the hypocrisy of many straight 'moral crusaders' aptly.

But.

I was seriously pissed off by his one defence of older men screwing underage boys- it was seriously creepy at worst, and idiotically naiive at best. I strongly believe that consent laws are appropriate and that his cherry-picked examples ignore the vulnerability of young people and would harm young gay men infinitely more than it could help them. Hence the low review, as I can't give separate ratings for each bit of the book. It's always good to provoke discussion, but he seemed so blinkered on the subject in his own favour.

He conflates different issues, such as bracketing a contemporary child abuse court case with general persecution against gay men. This seems to me to be incredibly stupid, and lacking compassion for the young victim.

I say this as a bisexual woman- I strongly believe in support and visibility for queer/gay people, but
being an apologist for child abuse should never be a part of this, and gives a negative effect to the gay community at large, most of whom don't agree with it. Creepy fetishisation of youth has always annoyed me, so maybe I am not the target audience of this book! It doesn't help that Jarman followed the 80s scene habit of calling every below-25 year old a 'boy', which, taken with his ill-advised ideas, I found irritating and bothersome.

If you want to read something by Jarman, I'd suggest Chroma instead, which is beautifully-written, sensitive, evocative and more personal.

[Lars Meijer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Een buitengewoon teder, activistisch, maar ook woedend boek, geschreven door de Engelse avant-garde filmmaker Derek Jarman. Door een nevenschikking van politieke beslissingen, krantenknipsels en persoonlijke anekdotes, vertelt Jarman een geschiedenis van zijn seksualiteit in vogelvlucht. Het is niet te onderschatten hoeveel waardevolle informatie dit boek bevat over hoe Engeland omging met de HIV/AIDS epidemie en haar homoseksuele gemeenschap. Het doet in dat opzicht niet onder voor een persoonlijke favoriet van mij, Close to the Knives: A Memoir of Disintegration.

*4,5

[Ron Mohring · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first read this years ago but wanted to revisit Jarman's voice. As a gay man who lived through the height of the AIDS epidemic in Houston, a city where dozens and dozens of our friends, neighbors, and coworkers disappeared into the maw, it's sometimes hard to look around at present and not feel like some kind of alien. What do we do with our dark memories of loss? Jarman was there; this chronicle is essential reading for those who weren't.

[luce goose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Always a sucker for experimental form. Less of an autobiography than a moving exploration of queer time, queer geography, queer surveillance, queer love. Orients the novel around queer sex, which lends it a kind of unsettling humour when he moved into the AIDS epidemic. Wish it could have been longer. Also wish my painfully straight great-uncle hadn’t casually dropped that he’d been friends with Jarman when he was at King’s, because now I’m trying to guess which disembodied cock belongs to him.

[Drew Praskovich · Rating 5 out of 5]

king shit.

Unabashed, unfaltering, radical, heartbreaking, exuberant.

Ready to take my pilgrimage to Derek Jarman’s Garden.

[Mind the Book · Rating 5 out of 5]

Som sagt, en brittisk Just Kids, eller en brittisk Close to the Knives. Det var en märklig känsla när Hockney dök upp i den här, då jag samtidigt håller på att läsa om hans lockdowntillvaro i Normandie i en annan, nyutkommen bok.

[billyhs · Rating 5 out of 5]

phenomenal, couldn’t put it down. why had i not read this before

[Tom Connor]

Certainly not an enjoyable read by any means but Jarman manages to write with this kind of critical joy, never failing to point out the stupidity lying behind his own oppression. I'm going to out my own ignorance here but I never quite grasped just how wide an impact AIDS had in the UK. I guess it makes sense the same way we are not taught about the empire. The section with the newspaper headlines was fascinating, you want to say it is shocking but if you just change some of the keywords you see the same things today.

[Niall Hamilton · Rating 3 out of 5]

“heterosexuality isn’t normal it’s just common”

This was a very hard book to rate, the glimpse into late 20th century queer life was unrelenting raw and honest, and this book felt like a man needing to leaving something behind. It’s a stream of consciousness and his staccato approach to the narrative became hard to follow but difficult to put down. I discussed this at a queer book club this week, and that helped me articulate some of the more specifics in this book, especially the concept of risk and desire throughout. This is a great book for any young gay man to read and learn about, and is deffo a book to be discussed with friends.

[Hattie · Rating 4 out of 5]

“heterosexuality isn’t normal, it’s just common” - well said Del Boy

[Madeline · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure how to rate this book, as it's a very specific kind of book, which will probably make you love it or hate it. So I understand why there are those five star reviews. At Your Own Risk is an extremely valuable book, but it's a bit aphoristic at times, and that's a style that can feel extremely artificial or needlessly provocative. Having seen and loved Jarman's films (and read this book, and understood it), I know he is not needlessly provocative, and nor is he artificial (except in a good way), but it makes me regretful that this book could come off that way.

[Wick · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Jarman's frank and unapologetic discussion of sex and sexuality. Reading the works of those who led the movement prior to us makes me feel more connected and helps me to understand the current generational conflict.

A favorite passage, " So they... won't acknowledge this criticism. They'll pretend there isn't a debate. The only way that they can succeed in their politics is through the myth of homogeneity and the 'gay community'. But our lives are plural. They always have been - sexuality is a diversity. Every orgasm brings its own liberty."

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal book by gay rights activist, film maker, and AIDS sufferer Derek Jarman that took aim at the anti-sexual undertones of the cultural response to the AIDS crisis.

[Brent · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love his style of writing. Honest and open.

[Charlie Grove · Rating 5 out of 5]

I took longer to read this than I would’ve liked but I am so glad that I’ve read this. It’s so incredibly powerful, heartbreaking and inspiring. Jarman writes with such knowledge and vigour I just wish I could read more of what he has to say. 32 years on and his analysis of the state of the UK and queer existence is still so spot on.

I’ve felt so inspired and moved and I cried buckets. And coupled with seeing the exhibit in Glasgow while reading this I can definitely say that Jarman is my guiding light. An artist to emulate and learn from. A lost older brother, uncle, teacher.

[Max Urai · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has some parts that absolutely didn't age well, but mostly it's just very, very moving. I knew Jarman as a very fine filmmaker already, but he is a really great writer as well.

[Connor Hansford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read

[Christopher Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

P E R F E C T I O N A B S O L U T E ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[ross francis · Rating 4 out of 5]

an essential recording of life as a gay man in the uk, and a very sobering one!

[Harry McDonald · Rating 4 out of 5]

Couldn't sleep and read most of this in a night. Flinty, fragmented, shot through with sex and injustice.

[Sinéad · Rating 4 out of 5]

Shoutout to book club bc I would not have fully understood or appreciated this book without our discussion <3

[Jeevan Farthing · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incisive writing. Damning insight into the British state / newspaper journalism. documentary clippings portray the four decades well. Many reviews describe the book as angry but I think it is just correct and perceptive. Anger is the corollary to the palpable injustice laid bare

[Dan Humphrey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Most of what's here was published elsewhere earlier--in the book DANCING LEDGE, for instance--but worth picking up for completists or, perhaps, as an intro to Jarman's view at its most uncompromising.

[Agatha Barker · Rating 5 out of 5]

need to watch more of his films

[Martha · Rating 4 out of 5]

See his life reflected in his filmic compositions