No Visible Wounds: Identifying Non-Physical Abuse of Women by Their Men

by Mary Susan Miller

DOES YOUR PARTNER . . .
* have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
* become jealous without reason?
* prevent you from seeing friends and family?
* deny you access to family assets such as bank accounts, credit cards, or the car?
* control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
* insult you or call you derogatory names?
* humiliate you in front of your children?
* turn minor incidents into major arguments?
If you or someone you know can answer "yes" to the questions above, chances are you are suffering from nonphysical battering--controlling, tyrannical behavior that is just as damaging to a woman's self-esteem as a broken bone or a black eye. An experienced counselor who works with abused women, Mary Susan Miller breaks the silence that surrounds this devastating form of domestic violence. She identifies the many types of nonphysical abuse verbal, emotional, psychological, social, and economic--and explores why this outrageous treatment of women continues unabated in our society.
Dr. Miller also shares the stories of many survivors who have escaped their abusive relationships. Their experiences--with law enforcement, the legal system, and the community itself--can help prepare any woman for the decision of whether to stay or leave the relationship. And if she decides to go, Dr. Miller offers sound guidelines on how to protect herself and her children, since a woman's decision to leave is usually the time she is in the most danger from her abuser.
Finally, Dr. Miller inspires You can break free of the nightmare of nonphysical battering and heal, once again engaging in a life of integrity, dignity, and peace.

Genres: Feminism, Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help

320 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1995

Reviews

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be required reading for everyone. For women, to recognize what to look out for and to know you’re not crazy. For men, to recognize these (potential) problems in yourself and to avoid those behavior and/or thought patterns. This book could save lives. Never felt more seen or understood by a book.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Since leaving my last relationship a few months ago, I've struggled with what has happened and as such, have read (and keep reading) several books covering the topic of emotional/verbal abuse. This book attracted me because it is just that "no visible wounds" meaning that it does not incorporate physical abuse and therefore doesn't seem to make all other forms of abuse as trivial (not saying other books do this but as a victim it sometimes makes me feel invalidated when they go into the physical and focus on that).

Abuse always grows worse. The abuser that hits may one day kill. The abuser that starts with only criticizing may evolve into screaming obscenities and insults. Or maybe neither, maybe it will just be a steady erosion of bringing down the partner's self esteem. This book explores that notion and how non-physical abuse is just as serious and as damaging as physical abuse. It starts with clarifying just what non-physical abuse is and the different signs and symptoms of it. Then it goes into the signs of it or how it happens. Why it can happen. Part three covers how others react to non-physical abuse. Often it is invalidated and a common misconception is that if they aren't beating you, its not abuse. Or that the woman could just leave if she were being abused (which is one of the hardest things and near impossible to do as a result of non-physical abuse). The last part covers on whether or not abuse can be stopped. Almost every book I've read states that it is very unlikely that an abuser will ever change or even recognize what they are doing is abuse. But there is a small percentage that will, but it is very very minuscule. More often, making abuse stop lies in the victims end to remove themselves in all ways possible, and this book offers some helpful hints for doing so. It really focuses on acknowledging the abuse, because believing you've been abused is very hard for victims.

I appreicate the tone of this book and its hard stance on NOT blaming the victim. Sure it can be easy to say that someone was asking for it, or they should just get out of a hurtful situation, but until you've been there, you can't know how hard it actually is. And non-physical abuse is very clever. It erodes your self esteem and makes you feel as if what is happening is normal and that you deserve the abuse. You may not even realize you're abused until someone tells you (this is what happened to me). You may know something is wrong, but you don't realize its as serious as you think as "all couples fight". The difference is in the way people fight. Some of it is not natural. This book helps identify if you are possibly with an abuser. It gives 9 guidelines and even answering yes to one of these means you could be in an abusive relationship.

Some of the other books I've read focus more on trying to "fix" an abusive relationship. Which is not helpful at all. This book doesn't do that. This is more an educational and informational book with no other purpose than to educate. I'd say that of everything I've read, this book, and Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That have been the best on the subject. They offer ways of coping and validation for what a victim has experienced. It doesn't expect the victim to "fix" the abuser and give false hope or expectations. And while this book doesn't sugar coat things, its not rough to read either. It won't make you feel bad if you haven't removed yourself from an abusive situation. My only complaint is that it really only focuses on "full blown" abusive situations. It doesn't really offer as much help for those people who left while the abuse was still "light" (if abuse can ever be called such a thing) or who left just as the abuse was beginning. It can make it hard to relate to at times.

This book will be staying in my library. Its a valuable resource and a good book to turn to for validation.

No Visible Wounds
Copyright 1995
298 pages

Review by M. Reynard 2012

More of my reviews can be found at www.ifithaswords.blogspot.com

[Ebony · Rating 4 out of 5]

Abuse is difficult to see unless you know what you’re looking for. Miller makes it plain in No Visible Wounds. She outlines the characteristics of nonphysical abuse and the characteristics of abusers. Just so we’re clear they’re not just poor men frustrated by life. Abusers are people with a need for power, dominance, and control. The book is about men who abuse women but the characteristics apply to women who abuse their children. And yes, abused people generally become abusers. She writes from her court experiences about women’s frustrations with the law. The only way I could bear to turn the pages is by choosing to believe a lot has changed in 20 years. She astutely notes that abuse is not about a loss of control but about a conscious desire to control by the best means available. The characteristics of emotional, psychological, social, and economic abuse are defined as humiliation, gas lighting, isolation, and destitution respectively. Arguments about abusers being unintelligent men are slayed here with her anecdotal evidence of predators seeking out the best strategies to undermine their prey. She writes of why women stay and why so many anti-battering programs fail. It’s really a comprehensive, easy to digest primer on abuse. There’s little to nothing about diversity here, but it’s still the place I would recommend one start if s/he is unfamiliar with abuse. The plethora of pop culture references are obviously dated. I can’t recall when Sally Jessy Raphael was so frequently (okay, ever) used as a source, and despite quite a few odd comparisons to the animal kingdom, I would encourage any woman who questions whether she is or has been abused to crack this book and immerse herself in its stories. All of her questions will most certainly be answered.

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

So many books about domestic abuse focus on the physical. This is a valuable resource for those dealing with patients/clients who are in controlling and abusive relationships that the victim may not even recognize as abusive -- involving emotional or economic abuse, such as blaming, name calling, devaluing the victim's opinions and/or skills, isolation from friends/family, secrecy re income/finances,threats that the victim will be left penniless or the children will be taken away, etc.

[Pamh1955 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent information and riveting stories

[Kylene Jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am not sure what I expected with this book but this was not it. I guess I was hoping on ways to move past the emotional abuse I went through. Decent book though in describing what non-physical abuse is and how it is so often overlooked.

[Michele Renee Renaud · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book proved to be very precise in identifying the Non physical aspects of abuse that are a critical part of domestic violence. In being able to identify the abuser's classic tactics, knowing the signs of emotional, verbal, financial and other methods they use to control their victims; this book leads the way to being able to end the cycle.

Mary Susan Miller provides every reader a better understanding for themselves or on behalf of others, the most clear representation of abuse and what you need to know to identify non physical abuse.

[Tarica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative--psychology based, useful tool. I would have every woman that doesn't understand that there is more than physical abuse and the psychological damage is permanent and in most cases worse.