Nobody's Child Anymore: Grieving, Caring and Comforting When Parents Die

by Barbara Bartocci

As longevity expands so too does the reality that increasing numbers of people become Nobody's Child Anymore. Unlike most books on grieving the loss of a parent, Barbara Bartocci takes a comprehensive approach from caring for a dying parent through finding new meaning beyond grief. Barbara Bartocci, who has lost both of her parents, speaks from experience and offers poignant vignettes approaching hard questions with compassion and a wealth of practical wisdom. Nobody's Child Anymore is an immensely helpful and comforting resource for anyone caring for a dying parent, mourning the loss, caring for the remaining parent and seeking new meaning beyond grief. Introduction When our parents die and we are adults, we're expected to say, This is an appropriate death. My father . . . my mother . . . lived a full life. It is their time. I'm okay with that. But we are not okay with it. Losing a parent--at any age--is a profound loss. It is such a primal connection, that of parent and child. No matter what your age, no matter what the circumstances of your rearing, no matter how loving or how lethal your relationship, it's impossible to completely ignore the people who gave you life. You can divorce a spouse but not your parents. There is that ultimate tie--the genetic inheritance that somehow entwines us no matter how hard we may try to disconnect. As society ages, and more people experience this inevitable passage, people are beginning to realize that it's not an easy loss just because your parents are in their 60s, 70s, 80s, or even 90s. I was surprised at the depth of my pain when my parents died. And since there isn't yet a lot of cultural support when adults lose their parents, I had to feel my way, as if walking through an unfamiliar forest. I have written this book as a gentle guide through the forest of feelings you may be encountering. It is not a practical manual--turn to other sources for help in planning a funeral or settling an estate. Rather, I share my own experience and the thoughts and experiences of others as a source to ease your soul-pain. The four parts of this book parallel the four-fold experience of loss through which we pass. It begins when we are called upon to care for one of our parents and we come to the difficult realization that Mom or Dad is dying. Then, after the loss, we struggle with the pain of our grief and perhaps some unresolved issues in our relationship with our parents. At the same time, we are often called upon to offer comfort and support to our surviving parent. We may then lose a second parent and experience the special pain of becoming an adult "orphan." Grieving is a process that has its own time. But eventually, we come to some resolution of our pain and we complete our grief. I have learned that there is a special light that may come in the wake of our parents' leaving. I discovered, as you will, too, that in a deeper sense, our parents don't leave us. They become part of us. A SORIN BOOKS Publication Distributed by Ave Maria Press

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Self Help

127 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2000

Reviews

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a lovely, touching little book filled with poignant personal anecdotes. It could be a comforting gift for someone who has lost one or both parents. Even after a recent loss, the book is simple enough to read that a person suffering acute grief would be able to focus on it. The author touches on many feelings, conflicts, and issues that can come up when both caring for elderly parents and in the aftermath of their passing and reassures the reader that resolutions are possible and that many experiences are near-universal. There is a small bit of spirituality and/or prayer in it but if you are giving it to someone who is not religious, I doubt these references would feel oppressive.

[Pat · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the books Hospice recommended. I found this one to be more emotional in its message, perhaps because it is mainly a series of stories each followed by "A Step Forward" which is more clinical. I'm passing it along to a friend who also lost a parent last year.

[Mary Kruft · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book after the loss of both parents in less than 2 years. I can't recommend it enough. It truly addresses all types of relationships with parents, good, bad, hot buttons, etc. I've given this to people who have lost their last parent and found it so incredibly helpful. If you are in this situation I truly hope you do too.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be read by anyone who has a parent/grandparent/child who is in failing health. It represented many different situations & gave clear perspective on ideas one might want to engage said person prior to their death. It gave me a much better perspective of my life & how I should be living it.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thought this book might help give me closure with Mom's death and the loss of both parents now. Instead, it seemed like very little of the book connected with me at all...oh well, I tried. Maybe I'm just numb and indifferent to everything right now.

[Rosemary LymeNoMore · Rating 5 out of 5]

This really helped me when my Mama died...I am thinking I need to go back and re-read it

[Dreamer · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some helpful stories for those who have lost one or both parents as adults. Other books were far more helpful and with less mentions of a Catholic God (on every other page.)

[Mary · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was ok. Some helpful tidbits in very last section after both parents are gone.

[Carole · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was such a huge help