Peculiar People: Mormons and Same-Sex Orientation

by Ron Schow

Mormons embrace the term "peculiar people" as a badge of honor. To Latter-day Saints it represents their status as God's people, with reference to the pride of their ancestors in being different the persecution early Mormons endured for defending polygamy, new prophecy, and the political Kingdom. The ironic reference to individuality and group consciousness is equally applicable to gay and lesbian Mormons who experience misunderstanding, guilt, and derision, often at the hands of fellow Mormons for whom discrimination is now a distant memory. In Peculiar People, a wealth of resources chronicles the successes and failures of contemporary LDS homosexuals. Those who have chosen celibacy are occasionally admitted into full church fellowship. Others, fearing censure and humiliation, conceal their orientation. But many, perhaps a majority, have decided that they "will not go where they are not welcome" and drift away from the Mormon community that once nurtured them. The church calls same-sex intimacy sin and recommends repentence and a thorough change of heart, though stops short of advising homosexuals to marry heterosexuals. For some time now church clerics, social workers, theologians, and sociologists have been engaged in debate about what place such people should occupy in the church community and what remedies or consolations should be offered them. To this discussion, Ron and Wayne Schow and Marybeth Raynes contribute their wide professional experience and bring a range of resources, gearing this volume toward helping people become informed and toward providing a variety of perspectives and options. These include the findings of biologists, therapists, and religious scholars.

Genres: Nonfiction, Mormonism, Lds, Religion, Queer

406 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 1991

Reviews

[Abby · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very interesting book. I highly recommend it to all Mormon people who can read.

My personal gay shocker: One day in Jr. High my mom picked me up from school. She spoke very solemnly to me and said, "Abby, I have something to tell you. Someone that we know and love is..." (dead? kidnapped? in a car crash? My mind raced with possibilities). She finished her sentence "... is gay." (phew!)

My mom continued, "I wanted to be the one to tell you about this, because even though we love her, we don't agree with her lifestyle choice." I started racing through possibilities of who might be gay. It was a woman, and she said it was someone we both knew and loved. That cuts down the possibilities, because we didn't exactly hang in the same circles. Was it Grandma? Probably not, she's too old. The teenage neighbor next door? Nah, Mom didn't seem to like her much. Finally I settled in my mind who it had to be. It was the Young Women's President, who lived just a few doors down. My mom really liked her, and I was in young women's, and why else would she be making such a big deal about this lesbianism unless it was going to be a big thing for me to deal with? Yes, she was married with 4 kids, but it had to be her. Who else could she be talking about?

I finally said, "Mom, who's gay?" She paused and said, "Ellen Degeneres."

Ellen Degeneres? She had a TV show on that we usually watched. That was all. I didn't care about her at all!

I've never told my former Young Women's President that I thought she was gay once. But, that was my introduction to gay Mormons. (Technically, I hadn’t actually found out someone Mormon was gay, but I had THOUGHT about the possibility.)

Like I said, I found this book fascinating and so eye opening. It is a compilation of essays by gay/lesbian Mormons, straight spouses and family members, and essays by LDS and other religious (or not) counselors and therapists. It was compiled in 1991 (and still in print – my library just bought it for me), but other than the stories being set in the 70’s and 80’s, it might as well have been written yesterday. Some writers had left the church to live a gay lifestyle, some decided to never marry and stay faithful, and others have gone back and forth over the years. There was a wide variety of opinion and behavior. Suddenly I keep thinking of wonderful people I have known in the church who have strangely never married, despite their advancing age and numerous interested prospects. How many of them are putting off marriage because of this issue? I likewise have friends who have officially come out of the closet, people who are awesome. Suddenly my gay-dar is going off everywhere! With the relatively few LDS friends I know who are openly gay, I realize there have to be many, many more who struggle silently to one degree or another.

I have no answer to the question about whether homosexuality is something you are born with, a creation of your environment, or free choice. I would suspect that it is almost always a combination of all three. I also have no idea what I would do if I were in the position of the people I'm reading about in this book. All I know is that it would be an awful thing to live through and try to figure out.

I read on the lds.org website a lot of articles and information officially published by the church about same sex attraction. I would direct anyone interested in the topic to this link: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp... While this book gave me compassion and deeper understanding for those around us who deal with same sex attraction, the articles written on the church website made more sense than anything I read in this entire book. The book contradicted itself, like one lesbian who had left the church complained about how male dominated it was, and women had no place to lead or be heard. Almost within a page of that, she said that Mormons would be shocked how many lesbians were active in their church. These lesbian women hold high callings, leadership roles, and teaching positions. So which one is it? Does the church forbid women from leading with the sole exception of secret lesbians, who are allowed to be in charge of everything? One chapter talked all about gays and lesbians and their incredible rates of suicide, depression, mental disorders, promiscuous and damaging behavior, saying they are a deeply troubled group (because of our inability to accept them). The next essay talked about how they were all such upstanding people, members of the community, church and our families. So which one is it? Are they crazy suicidal weirdoes, or are they normal great people? (I’d say, just like heterosexuals, it’s a mix of both!) The church website itself made much more sense overall than this book. Read them both for an even more balanced and informative view.

So why do so many people struggle with this issue? Did God make people this way for a reason? Why is gay marriage so wrong? I have no idea. Seriously, I am glad I am not in charge of this issue. I can plan nursery lessons just fine. Keep me where I am!!

I am also so glad that I like guys. I had never in my life considered how awesome it was that I think guys are hot. It would be so hard if I didn’t! I was reading this book over Thanksgiving, and whenever I was asked to think of something I was grateful for, I just kept thinking, “I’m so glad guys are hot! I’m so glad I’ve wanted to sleep with men my whole life!” I was really glad we never went around the dinner table and made everyone say what they were grateful for out loud. That could have been weird with my in laws.

I find I can relate a lot more to the gay men in the book than the lesbians, which are foreign to me. Gay guys - I totally get it. I can imagine going on a mission and having a crush on my companion (because he's a guy). I can imagine trying to date and kiss girls, but feeling no sexual attraction to them whatsoever, while thinking the Elder's Quorum president is hot. I can imagine only being able to kiss a girl by imagining she's a guy. I like guys. Girls, not so much (in that way).

Lesbians are a lot harder stretch for me. Passing up guys (I mean, GUYS!, for real?) in favor of girls... I can't understand that longing or desire. But I can feel their pain.

I would really recommend this book to everyone. It's only a matter of time before you find out that someone you know or love is struggling with this issue. It would be very nice to have the perspective of this book to help you understand and be compassionate towards them.

[Eric Rutulante · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book with several sections. Gay members, then their spouses and parents, then church leaders and also psychiatrists and medical professionals. No section is biased. It's just stories, and medical info and resources as well as resources and personal stories from the people, their family and friends, making anyone with any connection to a gay Mormon not feel alone, while reading interesting stories and experiences of others in possibly similar situations. It's an older book, I read it in 1998, and some things have changed since then in all communities but the personal stories leading us all to here and now are inspiring, heartbreaking and full of hope for all to find joy in life's situations.

[Carol Mathis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish this was mandatory reading for all Latter-Day Saints (Mormons).

[April Sattison · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book until about 3/4 of the way through... while I think the writing and the topic are valuable I found myself unable to finish it. I found it dragging and me having to make a point to read. I guess I just do better with novels etc. I do think the book is a good one, I just was unable to finish it. Maybe because of my stance on homosexuality. It had many interesting facts and good essays on the struggles many LDS (Mormon) people have when they find that they are attracted to those of the same gender and I knew that it has information on how therapists and councilors tend to deal with helping gay people to cope with the dissonance that is definitely cause when one is both LDS and Gay.

[Jessie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is horribly dated; the language used in it and the issues discussed don't feel very relevant anymore. Also, the pieces included are uneven and some of them are very poorly written. I get the feeling that the editors were just using what they had at the time, but I think it is time for an update. This does cover an important issue, but so much has changed in the last 20 years that there needs to be a similar book published that is more relevant.

[Don LaVange · Rating 4 out of 5]

Accounts from various LDS homosexuals, this book illustrated powerfully how damaging LDS notions of sex and sex roles can be to those who struggle to adapt to its strictures and "be" homosexual.

This book led me to question my beliefs on the subject of homosexuality to the point that I rejected the LDS position.

[Freyja Vanadis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was published more than 20 years ago so much of it is hopelessly obsolete, but the personal accounts by both gay Mormons and their loved ones were very moving. Some of the accounts by church leaders were less than inspiring though; these men couched their hatred of homosexuality in careful terms, but it still showed through loud and clear.

[Dan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read for a friend

[Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. I helped me get through a lot of things and made me realized that I am not the only one suffering. It changed my life.

[Sharman Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must-read!