A Very Modern Family: Stories and guidance for brave parenting when different is the norm

by Carrie Grant, David Grant

'So much more than a parenting manual - the Grants have thrown out a lifeline' THE TIMES

'The most extraordinary parenting guide of our time' DAILY MAIL

A breakout book on the ever-expanding concept of family

Carrie and David Grant have an extraordinary family story to tell. They have four children, one of whom is adopted, and all have come with a mental health challenges, neurodivergence, trans non-binary identities, various sexualities, and they are a mixed-race family, too.

It is a reflection of the fact that society is changing faster than most of us can keep up with. The wider concepts of family and community are being deconstructed. There are those who are desperately clinging to the old and those who are desperate for the new to be accepted. How do we hold our families and communities together in unity? How do we create a society where all are included and none are oppressed?

In A Very Modern Family, Carrie and David share their challenges and discoveries of growing and shapeshifting to create an incredible, diverse family and community. With their multi-intersectional family, they share their own mindset changes and insights into how to construct a new, accepting and unified space, while providing a deep dive into real life, frequently encountered situations and pertinent, applicable advice.

A Very Modern Family is an important guide for our times - full of pain, change and hope.

Genres: Psychology, Parenting, Nonfiction

240 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 11, 2023

Reviews

[Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

So refreshing to read a 'parenting' book that mirrors the experience of parenting neurodivergent children. Carrie and David's children are also mixed race, and trans/ non-binary/ gay so they have wisdom to offer in many areas. I can see that not everyone will like everything about this book. It's not an easy read, they have been through a tremendous amount with their family and they don't hold back, so if you're feeling fragile maybe think twice! Also they're walking a line of being Christians, writing for a broader audience than just Christians, while also espousing attitudes that many Christians will not agree with. I am very, very glad they have written this - if you are interested in reading this give it a go and be prepared to be challenged, as well as, I hope, comforted and encouraged.

[Rhiannon Howe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be compulsory reading for all parents and anyone working with children. I enjoyed the format because you hear from both parents and their children. I picked this book up in the library and started reading Tylan's part but then I couldn't put it down.

[June Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating insight into neuro and gender divergence with ideas about how to support young people

[may · Rating 3 out of 5]

A brilliant insight into how to raise gender nonconforming and neurodiverse children. Affirming, positive, and reflective. Carrie and David wrote this book with the understanding that it needed to represent all people under the queer/neurodiverse umbrellas, and they have done that so well. This is kind and beautiful.

[Juliet Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some really good stuff in this book- when it's explained properly and applied to their real life examples- eg Non Violent Resistance. It DOES sound woke and doesn't get a proper explanation until page 184, but when you see the technique applied to a human relationship, you see the value and the meaning behind the trite snappy terminology.

Also 'holding space' is mentioned- but not really explained or applied until very late in the book- as staying in the physical presence of a child in turmoil (if that is what helps them).

Excellent on de-escalation- and how and why it can be misinterpreted as 'giving in to bad behaviour' when really, it's just trying to contain the situation/get through the turmoil unscathed- and then trying to learn from it AFTERWARDS when everyone is more receptive.

Interesting reflections on conflict too- and about how resolving conflict is about staying and trying to respectfully find a solution WHILST feeling difficult feelings. And the goal of an argument is not to win, but to understand each other.

I do have to disagree with the statement about There's no such thing as bad behaviour, it's all communication.
I think both things are true at the same time: yes, bad behaviour IS communicating something.... but it IS also bad behaviour, that can hurt and cause trauma to other people and that can be worked on to improve.

There's also a very good explanation of forgiveness:
"It's important to remember that forgiveness is not acceptance. Forgiving doesn't condone or let the other person off. in fact, forgiveness has very little to do with the other person. What was wrong may still be wrong; forgiveness is what we do to release ourselves from being held captive and shaped by the wrong that was done to us. Forgiveness is the first step in breaking free from the captivity of pain." p202

If your life with your children is continually challenging and feels like an endurance test, try and reframe it as your sacred purpose is parenting.

I also particularly enjoyed learning about David and Carrie's own personal stories, and that of Carrie's father.

[Kirsty Le Dain · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book as a queer person hoping to recommend to others in my life. I didn’t realise it would be so much a guide to parenting, rather than a reflection on relationships within families.

There were elements of this that I thought were relatable and could be related to all sorts of relationships, and other parts where it was not so applicable.

There was more of a religious aspect to some parts that I thought were out of place, and considering how much discussion there was of race - I was surprised that they viewed Carrie’s father’s missionary work without giving any thought or mention to the problematic nature of white missionaries on the African continent.

[Arman Hilmioğlu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible story, interweaved with a lot of "normal" (whatever that means) life lessons that anybody can learn from. It's hard not to be moved by the effort they've shown *against* the system to get the support they need on a continuous basis. I loved reading it.

[ann gate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wise parenting for every type of family

Real experiences that reflect on the good and hard times. We all need to campaign for better services, support and education for our neuro diverse children.

[Monet · Rating 1 out of 5]

Absolute nonsense. It seems anyone can give advice these days, even if your family is a complete mess.

[Chloe · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an inspiring book. Loads of real take home understandings ❤️ thank you for sharing 😊