Rubber Balls and Liquor

by Gilbert Gottfried

Nobody ever reads this part of the book. Somebody at the publishing house explained to me that it's actually called the book flap. That sounded dirty, so I giggled for three hours. But it says in my contract that I have to write something over here in this tiny space, even though I don't think anyone will notice. Some people might open up to the middle of the book and start flipping through pages, but nobody will read this part. In fact, I'll bet anything that you're not reading this part now. And if it turns out that you are . . . well, the guy in the bookstore is probably staring at you, saying, "Stop reading that book!" I guess there's a reason bookstores are going out of business, left and right. Cheap fucks like you think it's okay to stand in the aisles and read to your heart's content. So for the sake of bookstores everywhere, buy this fucking book. I myself don't care. I only care about the poor working man. Oh, and the sanctity of the written word. I care about that, too. And in my case, those written words, of course, include fuck, dick, and pussy. In the early 1970s, as our nation's youth railed against every conceivable societal norm, a funny-looking teenage Jew started turning up at open mike nights in various New York City comedy clubs. Surprisingly, he didn't suck. That funny-looking teenage Jew is now the even funnier-looking middle-aged comedian Gilbert Gottfried, who despite his transparent shortcomings has managed to carve out a hardly-respectable career—and a reputation for shock and awe unrivaled outside the Bush administration. With this scathingly funny book of rants and musings, Gottfried sullies an entirely new medium with his dysfunctional worldview.HILARIOUS HIGHLIGHTS • Gut-wrenching stories from his bizarre childhood• A list of celebrities Gilbert would like to have sex with• A somewhat shorter list of celebrities who would like to have sex with Gilbert• An even shorter list of Gilbert's comely co-stars who have been forced to have sex with him on- screen• Side-splitting tales of the worst gigs he's ever performed• Incredibly awkward encounters with famous people from Gilbert's years as a celebrity (of sorts), including Harrison Ford, Keifer Sutherland, Hugh Hefner and one wildly offensive exchange with Marlee Matlin that left the actress speechless• Signature takes on timeless jokes, presented in a clip‘n save format so humorless readers can commit them to memory or tear them from the book's spine and carry them around in their wallets to amuse their friends• The story behind Gilbert's infamous retelling of the classic "Aristocrats" routine that defined the most recent phase of his career• And much more!

Genres: Humor, Comedy, Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Comedian, Media Tie In

230 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 15, 2011

About the author

Gilbert Gottfried (born February 28, 1955) was an American actor, voice actor and stand-up comedian best known for his trademark comedic persona of speaking in a loud, grating tone of voice and squinting. He has played numerous roles in film and television, perhaps most notably voicing the parrot Iago in Disney's Aladdin (1992), and co-starred in the Problem Child movies. He was also known for voicing Digit in the children's cartoon/educational math-based show Cyberchase, and the Aflac Duck until 2011. - Wikipedia

Reviews

[Diego Munoz · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was good to hear his voice again as he told a lot of tales concerning his past. If you like his sense of humor and his podcast, then you will like this.

[Lee Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gilbert Gottfried is one of the two best guests on the Howard Stern show (the other being George Takei, of course). Howard usually teases Gilbert about his inscrutable personal life, how he has a wife and a baby (two, now, I think?), but never, ever talks about them. Well, he doesn't really talk about that in this book, either, but you do get a peek (a tiny peek) into his childhood and his feelings about his place in the world of celebrity.

Not surprisingly, considering Gilbert's masterful imitation of an elderly Groucho Marx (seriously, it's spot on), his writing style also imitates Groucho's, although Gilbert of course "works blue," where Groucho did not. It really is like reading a foul-mouthed Groucho book, full of puns and asides and easy, but funny jokes.

If you're a fan, I suggest getting the audio book, to save yourself the trouble of imagining it in Gilbert's voice.

[Andy · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the great things about this book is the way you don't have Gilbert Gottfried standing in front of you, squinting his eyes and screaming his lungs out. This is a definite plus. I'm sure if you paid extra for this book he would be more than happy to read it to you in person screaming his head off. Henry Rollins would not do such a thing, Stephanie Meyer, forget it, but Gilbert, it would be money in the bank he would come over and scream every blessed chapter in your face.

[Beth Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wish GoodReads allowed half star ratings! I'd give this book 3.5 stars if it did. I recommend listening to the audiobook like I did instead of reading the book yourself. Gottfried is a master of timing, almost hearing it in his voice isn't good enough. Part humor book, part memoir, the material is a little hodgepodge. Sometimes the laughs come from him relaying life and career stories. Other times he's able to draw out a laugh with his "clip and save" jokes that have nothing to do with their associated chapters or good taste. One joke was in such poor taste I had to pass it on to my mom. We both thought it was a terrible joke, and we both laughed at it. This book is only for those who like his stand-up sets or his podcast or you might get offended. He is the man who bombed with a 9/11 joke two weeks after the event only to save himself by telling his version of The Aristocrats, before the general public knew what that joke was

[Lisa Brandt · Rating 2 out of 5]

I loved Gilbert. This book didn't measure up to his genius. It was mostly low-rung stuff about masturbating and being an idiot. But the stories about voicing the parrot in Alladin, the Aflac duck, and some of his celebrity encounters made it almost worth wading through the other stuff. RIP Gilbert. This book didn't reflect your genius.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

How do you transfer a comedy routine to the printed page? It’s not easy and it is bound to lose something in the translation. For some comedians, the joke is in their body language, or their facial expressions. Or their voice.

In the case of Rubber Balls and Liquor, it’s pretty simple: if you find Gilbert Gottfried’s comedy entertaining, you’ll probably enjoy the book. Lots of self-deprecating humor, a lot of dick jokes, lots of jokes about being Jewish, and some good celebrity stories. I thought it would be a pleasant change to get the funny stuff without the annoying, grating voice, but it didn’t really matter. I heard the voice in my head anyway.

The book starts with an introductory section on why he’s writing a book and he’s got pretty modest goals:

“I want the book to be the literary equivalent of a slice of pizza and a grape drink. That’s all. It might not be a gourmet meal, but it should at least be filling.”

That’s aiming pretty low, but that’s familiar territory for Gottfried. This is, after all, the guy who lost the AFLAC job after offensive tweets about the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan. It’s not really highbrow humor…but it is funny.

There are some great celebrity stories in the book. He pissed off Marlon Brando with a joke on Hollywood Squares. He convinced Harrison Ford he didn’t recognize him. But the one that really made me laugh was the story about being in the row behind Kiefer Sutherland on an airplane:

“A couple minutes later, the stewardess stopped at Kiefer Sutherland’s row, and asked in her most professional, hostess-y voice if he would like a set of headphones.

‘What’s the movie?’ Kiefer Sutherland asked.

‘Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride,’ the stewardess answered.”

If you don’t know why this is funny, you need to brush up on your celebrity break-ups.

This book is probably not going to be a big hit with people who aren’t Gilbert Gottfried fans. Like I said, I heard Gottfried’s voice inside my head. The book is full of dirty jokes, foul language and ethnic slurs. I find that funny, but not everyone will. It’s best read in small doses — no comedian is funny after hours and hours of material — but it was still a pretty good read.

[Jack Herbert Christal Gattanella · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5

As the author so eloquently put it himself at the start and end of the book - it's like having a slice of pizza and a grape drink (and i quote "a slice of pizza is like a blow job - even a bad one is still pretty good"). Sometimes that's what I'm in the mood for. Do I get gassy from that combo? For f**king sure. But it's still so tasty while it's there in my mouth. And that.. doesn't sound right.

Some funny stories, some great jokes, sometimes a little tiresome, sometimes a little filler-y, and thank goodness we get a good Aladdin voice anecdote about the time he was accused of slipping in a "titty" instead of a "kitty" line. And other times it's very unpredictable. Where else will you find a celebrity (and yes the late/great Gilbert was one even if slightly minor on the level of how our dumb culture ranks things) who can be a raconteur of the time he was confused with Marlee Matlin's interpreter while also tell of the time he faced near death from... a peritonitis operation?

It's a book like the man himself, self depreciating but aware of the world around him and how much people make bucks off what they can, and it's a filthy joy for much of it while if you listen in between the lines (and get the audio book for the Full Gilbert experience, you'd hear his voice reading it anyway) you can get the sense of this man as a decent and kind hearted guy who also just couldn't stand bullshit and had some modest goals for himself, which was to not give a f*** and be funny his way. Or, if it was around a Hearst heir or Kareem Abdul Jabaar, maybe not so much (through no fault of his own). The Aristocrats story ends the book and rightly so as it's a highlight.

Good stuff. I miss him. This was the perfect way to keep him in my mind and heart. And for all of those Clip and Save jokes it's brilliantly low brow.

[Mary BookHounds · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in just four hours and I didn't skip any parts. That is the biggest compliment I can give any book!

Most memoirs are recollections of a person's history and Gilbert Gottfried remembers a lot of dirty jokes. Just to warn you, there are a lot of funny jokes and stories in this book and they do contain a few naughty words. I have always thought Gottfried is funny and I was hoping that this book would shine a light on his personal history, but like all comedians, it seems a joke is how they deal with their life and to distance themselves. There are quite a bit of personal asides and some laugh out loud moments in the book as well as some truly touching stories like his near death experience. I really enjoyed the few behind the scene looks at show business and like any up and coming star, how he was ripped off by people he hired to help him.

I also haven't read a celebrity memoir where the writing actually sounds like the author and I could just imagine him delivering each line. I should have opted for the audio version of the book since it would have saved me the trouble of doing Gilbert's voice in my head. As weird as that sounds, I dare you to try to read this book without scrunching your face and whining just like him. There is a nice running joke through out the book dealing with the actual writing of the book that perfectly make fun of the whole author business.

[Kate Woods Walker · Rating 2 out of 5]

One of the handy side effects of the 2011 Reading Challenge is seeing one's own reading habits in neat graphic rows. Once I had a few weeks of reading accomplished, I saw the pattern: one novel, a couple of middle-of-the-road nonfiction books, perhaps one serious book, and a comedian's book.

So it was with some knowledge of my own predictability that I found myself in a funk this week and said "Ah-ha! It's been too long between comedians' books." So I picked up Gilbert Gottfried's smuttily-titled Rubber Balls and Liquor.

Laugh-out-loud funny in spots, revealing perhaps a tad too much of the searing pain at the heart of every comedian's art (you're not repulsive, Gilbert, honest!), a creative commentary on the celebrity memoir (meta, and how), and cheerfully profane, this book would have been rated higher had it not included rape humor and the vile, misogynist c-word.

The best part? I actually remembered seeing the Hollywood Squares "you fool!" exchanges and I enjoyed the smooshy nostalgia. Now, somebody see to it that Gottfried achieves the level of stardom he craves, so he can advance past the 1950s-style sexist jokes.

[Martin English · Rating 2 out of 5]

Like Gilbert's act at times, this was kind of a lazy cash grab. No real insight into the man or his life, just a few hundred pages of uninspired shtick. Don't get me wrong, I think Gilbert is a comic genius. I'd say he simply doesn't feel comfortable revealing his real self too much here, or anywhere.

[Biba · Rating 2 out of 5]

I simply expected more laughs from this book. I mean, it's by Gilbert Gottfried!! He's a funny guy. Wait... maybe I'm thinking of someone else. I cracked a few smiles, but only really laughed three times. Yes, I counted.

[Phil · Rating 2 out of 5]

Much like his comedy, the book is random and rambling and sometimes you get the idea that he is saying things just to amuse himself. However, there are times during this quick read that his stream of consciousness story-telling is actually quite amusing.

[Patricia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not finish this book. Gottfried is a pig. The only reason this got two stars rather than one, is because his self-deprecating humor is funny. I'm not a prude, but after one hour of sexually explicit jokes, I'd had more than enough.

[Brian · Rating 2 out of 5]

some good stories, nothing that blew me away.

[Andrew Stadler · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not that funny and boring =\

[James · Rating 2 out of 5]

Completely ridic. I love Gilbert Gottfried, though.

[Steve · Rating 2 out of 5]

Big Gilbert fan. Book was a lot of filler. Not much substance.

[Jay · Rating 5 out of 5]

★★★★★ — 4.95/5

There are celebrity memoirs that polish, sand, and soften a life into something marketable, and then there are books like Rubber Balls and Liquor, which feel like Gilbert Gottfried grabbed you by the collar, leaned in with that unmistakable voice, and told you exactly how it was—no favors asked, no illusions maintained. This book is raw, funny, uncomfortable, sincere, and oddly tender, which makes it feel truer than most memoirs that cross the shelf.

Gilbert Gottfried’s life reads like an unlikely comedy myth. He grew up in Brooklyn in a working-class Jewish family, shy and awkward, finding refuge in jokes at an early age. Stand-up wasn’t a glamorous calling for him; it was survival. He started performing as a teenager, bombing relentlessly, grinding through clubs, learning timing, restraint, and when to drop the verbal hammer. Long before the voice became famous, the discipline was there. The book makes it clear that comedy, for Gilbert, was never accidental—it was earned through failure.

What’s striking is how different the man on the page feels from the persona the world knew. The shrieking delivery, the abrasive edge, the deliberately offensive timing—those were tools. Behind the curtain, Gilbert comes across as thoughtful, observant, anxious, and deeply committed to his family. He writes honestly about meeting his wife, Dara, later in life, about becoming a father, and about how deeply domestic and grounded his private world was. It’s one of the great contradictions of his life: one of the dirtiest comics alive who was, by all credible accounts, a devoted husband and father.

The book doesn’t dodge the controversies either. Gilbert addresses the infamous 9/11 joke fallout and the professional consequences that followed, not with excuses, but with context—how comedians test boundaries, how timing can betray intent, and how a career can pivot overnight. There’s no attempt to recast himself as misunderstood or wronged; instead, he presents the moment as part of the cost of being who he was.

For anyone who grew up with Gilbert’s voice everywhere—whether as Iago in Aladdin, Digit in Cyberchase, or the Aflac duck—this memoir hits with a strange emotional weight. He helped define an animated childhood for an entire generation, yet he never leaned on that success as identity. Voice acting was work, welcome work, but comedy remained the core. That distinction matters in this book, and Gilbert makes it plainly.

His reverence for old Hollywood and classic comedy shines throughout. This is the same mind that later powered Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast, and you can feel that obsessive love here—stories of forgotten performers, vaudeville remnants, industry absurdities, and the ghosts of entertainment history. That podcast was a gift, resurrecting names and stories most people had forgotten, and the same spirit runs through this memoir. Gilbert wasn’t just funny—he was a historian of laughter.

What makes Rubber Balls and Liquor stand out is the voice. It doesn’t feel ghostwritten into bland respectability. It feels like Gilbert. Many memoirs read as daily PR exercises dressed up as honesty; this one feels closer to a confessional rant. The humor is crude, yes—often deliberately so—but the wit is sharp, controlled, and unmistakably his. There’s a confidence here that doesn’t need to exaggerate or invent. The life itself is enough.

Growing up in an era blessed with voices like Bob Saget, Norm Macdonald, Adam Sandler, George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, and even the chaos of Rick James jokes passed around like contraband, Gilbert still stood apart. His delivery was singular. You didn’t confuse him with anyone else. And while comparisons are inevitable, this book makes it clear that Gilbert wasn’t chasing greatness by imitation—he was carving out a lane no one else would dare stay in as long as he did.

Reading this now, after his passing, the book carries extra weight. Few celebrities are genuinely missed, not just for what they produced but for who they were. Gilbert is one of them. His humor was original, his work ethic relentless, his curiosity endless, and his commitment to the act unwavering. This memoir feels like a final, honest hand dealt at the table—and he wins it, not by bluff, but by truth.

If you love Gilbert Gottfried, this book is essential. If you care about comedy as craft rather than brand, it’s invaluable. And if you’re tired of memoirs that feel engineered instead of lived, Rubber Balls and Liquor is a reminder of what happens when someone tells their story without pretending to be anyone else.

[Zach · Rating 3 out of 5]

I went on a short work trip recently and I decided to finally put this audiobook on in the background.
Gilbert Gottfried is one of my favorite comedians. I liked it when he was on Howard Stern, I liked him with Norm Macdonald (rest in peace to the best), I liked the TV shows he was on, etc. So for me it was a no brainer as a Gottfried fan to listen to this book with his voice narrating the whole thing.
This is partly why it's taken me so long to listen to the book. I can stand about an hour of Gottfried's voice before it gets old. It is undeniably an annoying voice, but it was the only way that felt right to endulge in the work. I'd much rather have listened to Gilbert than read the book because it just felt better to listen to him.
And this book gives me SOME of the things I wanted. I wanted to hear different stories about Gilbert's career, his rise to semi celebrity-dom, his most infamous moments, and everything else in between. But I also wanted to know more of a life story, a grander picture of what the world looks like according to Gilbert. This is not the book if that's what you're looking for.
Gilbert was known for being a pretty reserved person. In fact, there are clips of what his real voice sounds like and its nothing like the voice when in the spotlight (I'm still not sure if this is true or not because it was on Howard Stern and could be false but Gilbert looks angry and shocked when he sees them reveal the clip). Even in the Gilbert documentary from 2017, you really don't get that great of an idea of who the guy really is.
Its why going in I prepared myself to not find out much of anything outside of little snippets of his life. His overall relationships to family, early life at home, and overall anything outside of his career is not covered much at all, with little hints at maybe something.
I still liked the book but its interesting to see how little Gottfried was willing to give.

[Ian · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gottfried's collection of observations and vignettes are exceptionally Gottfriedian, but unlike his standup, it left me wanting less. After three or four chapters, I was thinking, "Gosh, for serious books I'm so picky about which ones get a 5 star rating, but here I am about to give Gilbert Gottfried 5 stars for what reads like some lightly polished standup notes." After a few more chapters, I was thinking, "Well it looks like I don't have to worry about that anymore." By the end, I think 3 stars is exactly right.

Gottfried's book reads less like an autobiography and more like some scattered short memoirs, sort of like Alex Trebek's The Answer Is... except with more gaps. Gottfried's stage persona shines through, and my favorite passage is about being nice to all people you meet along the way, where he rebuts that at least in Hollywood, if you're on the way up you can be as awful as you like and people will still desperately try to cling on, and on the way down they'll avoid you like the plague and not care one bit about how nice you used to be. "Be as big a creep as you want."

Unfortunately, Gottfried's material didn't exactly show me anything exciting or surprising about his career, and it got a little tedious after about halfway through. An exception was his retelling of how he presented his famous "Aristocrats" joke at the Hugh Hefner roast which I'd forgotten about.

I would've dropped this down to 2 stars, but his "Clip-N-Save Jokes" at the beginning/end of each chapter were hysterical, particularly the one about the two men and the woman stranded on the desert island.

[Mike Kowis · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you enjoy Gilbert's raw and irreverent style of humor, you will definitely enjoy this book. He walks the reader through his childhood and career while adding his own perverted and silly commentary along the way. In between each chapter is a bonus joke, many of which made me laught out loud. I've always liked his comedy, so I wasn't surprised at all that I also enjoyed his book. My favorite chapter was the last one called Too Soon where he talks about his performance at Hugh Hefner's Roast held in NYC. This chapter is classic Gilbert!

As a side note, I wasn't planning to buy this book. But my wife and I recently saw his Gilbert's stand-up performance, and I ended up buying this book after the show so he could autograph it. So glad I did!

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whether or not the majority of the stuff Gilbert writes about in this book is true is kind of irrelevant. It's not so much a traditional autobiography as it is a tongue-in-cheek testament to the author's self-loathing ... which, as fate would have it, gifted him with a roughly 40-year-career in show business. If you're not familiar with Gottfried's crass and crude humor by now (naturally, the book ends with recollections of his infamous "Aristocrats" joke at the Hugh Hefner roast) you probably shouldn't be reading this book in the first place. But if you ARE a long-time fan of his uniquely grating and raunchy material, you are probably going to LOVE this thing. As long as you've got bad taste, you'll find this to be an immensely entertaining read.

[Terry Collins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a fun read ... Gilbert gives you just enough of his "true" life story to hang a series of hilarious experiences, observations, jokes, celebrity encounters and insightful notes on how his career has been a series of ups and downs (via the "Celebrity Ladder of Fame") to allow you to finish the book feeling satisfied. Truly laugh-out loud funny in several places. At times, he does lean on the self-deprecating shtick once too often, but hey, that's been his bread and butter as a comedian for decades. An impulse purchase that gave me several hours of reading amusement.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you like Gilbert's comedy, you'll like this book. It's unapologetically filthy, and a bit uneven, especially since he includes an unfortunate medical episode. It's his special blend of truth and fiction. Better than most comedic books. 3.5 stars.

[Malcolm Pellettier · Rating 4 out of 5]

better than most of 'em.

[nineveh_rains · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not his funniest, but a classic.

[Stephen Chase · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funniest comedian author ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Frank J. Caputo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious book. If you like GG, you will love this book.

[Zandt McCue · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have so much sympathy for this poor man's penis. Gilbert was a legend.

[Jonathan Recka · Rating 5 out of 5]

R.I.P. MAN, You were my childhood! Gilbert is truly missed.