Making an Exit: From the Magnificent to the Macabre -- How We Dignify the Dead

by Sarah Murray

With the surprising humor of Mary Roach’s Stiff and the globe-spanning bravado of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations, this is a journey into the astonishingly diverse ways in which we send off our dead

Journalist Sarah Murray never gave much thought to what might ultimately happen to her remains—until her father died. Now, puzzled by the choices he made about the disposal of his “organic matter,” she embarks on a series of voyages to discover how death is commemorated in different cultures.

 

Death’s Doors is Murray’s exploration of the extraordinary creativity unleashed when we seek to dignify the dead. Along the way, she encounters a royal cremation in Bali, Mexico’s Dia de los Muertos, a Czech chandelier made from human bones, a weeping ceremony in Iran, and a Philippine village where the casketed dead are left hanging in caves. She even goes to Ghana to commission a coffin for herself.

 

Her accounts of these journeys are fascinating, poignant, and funny. But this is a very personal quest—on her travels, Murray is also seeking inspiration for her own send off.

Genres: Nonfiction, Death, Memoir, Adult, Travel

320 pages, Hardcover

First published October 11, 2011

Reviews

[Rainbow Goth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Of course! Here’s your revised version, made smoother, more descriptive, and in UK English, while still keeping your original tone and intent:

This book had been sitting on my TBR pile for such a long time, so I’m genuinely disappointed to say that, overall, it didn’t quite live up to my expectations.

That’s not to say it’s a bad book—it’s not. But it tries to cover too much ground, and in doing so, it doesn’t give any single aspect the depth or attention it really deserves.

I’d gone into it expecting an exploration of how different cultures deal with death and their dead, perhaps alongside the author’s own journey in deciding what she’d like for her own remains. Instead, a large portion of the narrative focused on her father, his death, and his wishes. While that in itself isn’t a problem—it actually humanises the author and gives the book a more personal dimension—it was so interwoven throughout that it often disrupted the flow of the wider stories. It left the structure feeling disjointed and, at times, distracted from really interesting details.

One particular detail that stood out was when the author was discussing Egyptian mummification. The description Murray offers is quite detailed, but in fact refers to a highly elaborate and costly process that would only have been available to royalty—specifically during Egypt’s 18th Dynasty. While I understand that the book isn’t meant to be an in-depth academic study, it would’ve been helpful for her to acknowledge how limited and unrepresentative that particular example is. It does make me question whether other examples, especially those I’m less familiar with, might also be oversimplified or lacking context.

Overall, I’m glad I read it—it offered some interesting perspectives—but I can’t help but feel slightly let down by how it all came together.

[MKF · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was hoping this book would be better then it actually was.

Sarah Murray's dad died (which you will hear about in every chapter) causing her to confront her own death. Instead of the normal route of researching her options she decides to explore death rites and customs around the world. So she travels to a few places and experiences mummies, a royal cremation, fantasy coffins, and many more things.

Sounds really interesting right? Well it would but those things only take up so many pages in a chapter. So each experience relates to the topic of the chapter. I have read many death books and this books sounds just like a bunch of other ones. Many times she mentioned things that if she took the time to tell us more about would have added some interesting material. She is English so she finds our death practices exotic (her words not mine). I can imagine she was snubbing us is a polite way though her disdain is obvious. She refers to Jessica Mitford's The American Way of Death and even takes it with her when she travels to America for the funeral director expo. I may not have read it myself but I know enough about it to realize it is not completly honest and things have changed.

[Alicia · Rating 1 out of 5]

UUUUUGGGGGHHHH!! This book should be called, "I am an atheist and so is my father. And he died and I wanted to write something to honor him, but no publisher will make a book just based on that premise alone. So I told them I would write a book about how people around the world celebrate and revere the dead. But really I just want to talk about my dad. And the fact that we are both atheists."

I think Random House to hire me in their marketing department.

But seriously, about page 80 I decided to speed read this, and I am not sad I did. The only cool parts were when she talked about the other countries. But there was WAAAAAY too much about her dad and his plans to be cremated, and where they would scatter his ashes, and then that made her consider where SHE wanted to be buried, or scattered or whatever. And then she would mention again that they were BOTH atheists, so it didn't really matter because they KNEW (underlined tree times) that this was the end of their existence.

I did not like this book.

[Paul Pessolano · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Making An Exit” by Sarah Murray, published by St. Martin’s Press.

Category – Death and Dying

Death and Dying is not high on most peoples reading list. It is a subject that most of us would prefer not to discuss; however, we all will face this fact of life at one time or another.

Sarah Murray came to this realization on the death of her father. Her father, an atheist, wanted to be cremated and his “organic matter” (his words) scattered over a Christian cemetery.

It was at this time that Sarah began to think about her own death and what she wanted to do with her remains. She began a journey that took her to different parts of the world. She explored how different cultures approached death and how they disposed of “organic matter”.

Sarah traveled to Bali where the remains were cremated in an elaborate ceremony that was a ceremony of joy not sorrow. She visited the catacombs of Palermo, Sicily, where bodies were hung on racks on laid out in chambers to rot. In the Philippines there is an independent people called the Igorots who place dead bodies in coffins and suspend them by rope from a mountaintop.

These stories are all very interesting an informative, but the crux of her book lies in her explanation of cremation and the burying of the dead in graves. Although, she does not propose either one (she will be cremated) she puts out a strong case for cremation.

I sincerely doubt most people are aware of the techniques used by funeral directors in preparing a body for burial. It is quite gruesome and I doubt many of us would choose this if given the opportunity. Not only does she go through the embalming process but she also explains what happens to the body once it is put in the ground.

“Making An Exit” is an eye opener that is very reminiscent of the books, “Stiff” and “The American Way of Death”. These books are about a subject that most of us would like to shun, but they are important because they could be instrumental in providing a dignified ending no matter which method we choose for our “organic remains”.

[Jenny Brown · Rating 2 out of 5]

Murray sets out to do something ambitious, braiding a personal memoir about her father's death with a survey of burial practices around the world, highlighted by her own trips to visit places with particularly unusual funerary customs.

It didn't work for me because none of these three strands was developed enough for it to satisfy. The narrative darts from topic to topic without ever developing any theme fully. Her breezy post-modern ironic tone comes across as superficial and self-involved. The authors travels are described with not much more detail than a blog post you'd find on Facebook if your FB friends, like mine, include a lot of articulate people who write well.

It's not a terrible book, mind you, but not a particularly interesting one.

[Eric Mccutcheon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a surprise. The title is certainly descriptive and much of the book is devoted to the myriad ways we deal with the dead around the world. What took me by surprise, and what I enjoyed even more, was the personal journey that the author took with her own father's death. Often when authors of nonfiction start talking about themselves, I tune out. This was a well woven, and touching, portrayal of the loss of a loved one and it really helped the stories about the other cultures. It went from a factual account to a more well rounded one.

[Nia · Rating 5 out of 5]

.

I actually bought this at a BORDERS going out of business sale over 10 years ago. It's been through many a move. But turning 30 in a Pandemic has give n me an ACUTE sense of closeness to DEATH 🙃 I set it as a 2020 goal to read and help me process that anxiety.

This book is one I KNOW I will recommend to others until the day I die. It was SO well written. The chapters are LONG but Sarah takes you on a tour in each one. Following the death rites and practices across the globe while sprinking in humor, pondering the human condition, and questioning capitalism's effect on practices like burial and cremation.

One thing is for sure DO 👏🏽 NOT👏🏽FUCKING 👏🏽 BURY 👏🏽 ME👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽!!! Learning what happens to embalm a body was quite enough for me. Burn me tf up y'all fr... or imma look into the bio burials.

But most of all this book really showed the intimacy of certain practices... like in Bali or Madagascar where there are traditions where you unearth your dead, clean their bones, and dance with them or replay their final moments. I long for that kind of veneration frfr. To be cared for so deeply that your dead stinky corpse is still seen as holy and precious. I could go on and on abt this book. If you read it hit me up frfr.

[Nmdb22 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating and well written. The author traveled to many parts of the world to describe funeral and burial customs and beliefs, intertwined with the narrative of her father's passing, his wishes and her and her mother's handling of his "disposal". Her observations are backed up by research on the funeral industry and practices in the US and the beliefs and practices around death in the different places she visited. This book is often humorous, overall fascinating and not at all morbid.

[Tracie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe 3.5 stars! There were a lot of poignant moments and the memoir parts were endlessly endearing but the actual “journalism” parts were a little thin. It needs more visual aids! But it did make me think about how I want my organic material taken care of after I die (do NOT embalm me, and then just do whatever is cheapest/least harmful to the earth with my meat and bones), and I love the idea of leaving a will with chunks of money for certain people to do fun things.

[Mfaiella2]

3.5. A well crafted book balancing a personal death, the various historical and cultural attitudes towards death, and humor. For the most part the juggling act succeeds. The humor gets away from the author at times and negatively affects the tone, and there’s something in the prose that sounds haughty instead of modest about the life she’s lived.

[Devon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A gorgeous look at the end of life around the world. Murray's journey of curiosity and a search for meaning brings the reader to confront their own mortality and the mortality of those whom we love, encouraging us all to cherish the time we have on this earth.

[Vera Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sarah Murray has chosen an intriguing subject for Making an Exit--how we deal with death. And she has a winning style of writing. I loved the concept–travel around the world to check on their customs and practices and decide how she herself would like to “Exit”. A travelogue of death rites.

She says that death is scary stuff…

“But we humans are practical beings. When we need shelter, we build a house. When we’re hungry, we hunt, farm, and cook. So when confronted with the terrifying vision of our impending mortality, we get really creative. After all, there’s perhaps no human condition to which more attention has been devoted than death.”

Her two main purposes alternate with section of memoir about her father, whose recent death and skepticism about memorials led to her exploration. Her book is arranged in chapters that visit fascinating places, like Bali, Sicily, and Ghana, each of which she describes with enticing detail.
Each place she visits illustrates a particular way of dealing with death but the material inside the chapters sometimes gets confusing. Murray jumps from the anthropological, to a tourist’s view, to memories, to technical explanations of things like what happens to a body as it decays or how exactly embalming works, and then to her consideration of her own death and back again to the first two points.

History writer Barbara Tuchman said, “Research is seductive.”

Unfortunately, Murray succumbs to seduction. As a result, we get a lot of repetition. Some is necessary in order not to lose track of where we are and whose customs we are focusing on. But I lost patience after awhile and just wanted to skip to the tourist’s and anthropologist’s views. I actually understood after the first chapter that her father did not want a gathering to mark his passing, but she told me over and over.

My impatience made me rather sad because she really is an excellent writer with a wonderfully wry British wit. Stylistically, each sentence is a gem.

This review was excerpted from the one I wrote at A Traveler's Library. Read more.

[Rob Ballister · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sarah Murray 19s MAKING AN EXIT is a well-written, insightful read about customs surrounding death around the world.
Initially, one might shy away from such a book about seemingly so macabre a topic. But Murray 19s treatment of the topic is anything but depressing. She traveled extensively to find the unique ways that cultures around the world send people to the afterworld. Readers learn about coffins shaped like cars, burying people by hanging them in a cave, and loading ashes into fireworks for a bang-bang sendoff into the sky.
The journey Murray takes the readers on comes with a lot of introspection into her own thoughts on death, including planning her own exit from the world.
Book takes a little bit of time to get going, but once it 19s rolling, you will want to hang on until the end.

[Patricia L. · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was okay but I never felt close to the author or her dead father. For all you morbidly positive readers like me I would love to hear what you think of my literary fiction 'Going Out In Style'.

LOGLINE: Boris Schecter is ‘on God’s hit list.’ It’s 2016 and he’s 68 years old, intelligent, crude and knee-deep in male menopause. He wants to put something between himself and death. Okay then… he’ll play his last pool game on the Luminous Liminality, the surreal luxury cruise for the terminally ill.

Three chapters are on my website so maybe you could let me know. patricialmorris.com

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the kind of non-fiction I love. It's an exploration of death rituals in other countries, told with a storyline of the burial of the author's father. I completely love the chapter on the Czech ossuaries, which fascinate me to no end, and I really liked the one about Day of the Dead (though much of that was stuff I knew already).

Longer review to come. Reminded me a lot of how Weiner approaches the notion of happiness in varying cultures in his GEOGRAPHY OF BLISS.

[Shana Dennis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a well written, funny, and emotionally satisfying book. The author weaves her own experiences with the stages of death, planning/holding a funeral, and mourning with places/cultures she has traveled to and from history around the world. The author also contemplates her own mortality seriously while at the same time not becoming uptight about the subject, which is admittedly a difficult one to tackle.

[Laurie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Full of interesting death and funeral related information from around the world, but somehow didn't keep my attention the way I wanted it to. Oddly enough, didn't seem well edited - some of the personal comments about her father were repeated and it seemed the chapters were ordered after the fact so that things were mentioned again as if it were the first time. But, again, loads of interesting info.

[Christiane · Rating 3 out of 5]

After her father's death, Sarah Murray begins to think seriously about death and what comes after, both spiritually and materialistically (how remains are disposed of) and what that might say about us, our families, our beliefs, and our culture. She travels the world to witness fantastical death rites in Bali, the Philippines, Hong Kong, Oaxaca, and other places. What might be a morbid subject is enlivened (um, no pun intended) by Murray's good humor and insights.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

Perhaps four stars is a bit generous, but I ended up liking book more than I thought I would. Reviewers have criticized it for being a bit heavy on the reminiscences of her dad ("Fa"), and I see where they're coming from, still he did seem an interesting guy. I was struck that I felt I learned stuff from her travels (Ghana, Philippines, etc.) without getting the feeling that I'm along on a series of subsidized junkets, as happens with some nonfiction.

[Mollie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Just ok.

I thought this was going to be a book about grief and how people handle death from a cultural perspective. There was some of that but it was mostly about how different cultures deal with the bodies of the dead such as different burial techniques and cremation. It was interesting but I wanted more. I also was not interested in her personal story of her father's death or the last 3 pages where she outlined exactly where she would like her ashes scattered and why.

[Jeanine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was more interesting than I thought it would be. It is like a long New Yorker essay on how various cultures deal with death. Most of the research was news to me. Through the course of the book, Murray is also processing her father's death and his final arrangements. The book basically worked for me. If you're not into those long New Yorker articles, don't read this book.

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

glad this caught my eye.
she takes you through different cultures in an interested, respectful way
I learned all kinds of things that I've never heard of, and started thinking about how other humans around the world manage the death "process"
recommended to anyone open to nonfiction

[Jillian · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fascinating exploration of funeral rites in various times and places, interspersed with the author's contemplation of her father's recent death and her own final arrangements. A memorable, emotional journey with touches of humor.

[Kris]

T-D review

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

About death and ritual and traveling. Some of my favorite things.

[kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great book full of little cultural factoids about the things we do to honor the dead. I have a whole new plan for what should happen to me after I am dead.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written with a sense of humor and in the aftermath of the loss of her father, I liked the author's viewpoint re preparation for death. Interesting rituals from around the world.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

2nd book club choice: a light hearted travel adventure to determine your own fate... lobster coffin in Ghana maybe!

[Vandy Solomon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. She started her journey looking at funeral practices after her father died. Well
written. Any author that loves Mary Roach is great!

[Librariann]

My nuzband got me this for our first anniversary because the first anniversary is paper and because he knows me the best.