The Comfort Trap

by Judith Sills

Does this sound familiar? You've been in the same job for fifteen years, you're on your sixth administration (but, hey, who's counting?), and it looks like it's going to take a stick of dynamite to get you to jump ship. You know there's something missing from your marriage and you have a feeling what's missing is you, but you can't bear to rock that comfortable old boat. You're stuck. And, as bestselling author Judith Sills would say, you know the horse is dead. Get off!

We all have our comfort zones'your coffee bar, your preference for half hazelnut/half decaf very light no sugar, your seat on the 8:24, your same old fight over the holidays with your parents' and, indeed, they're what make life possible. But the time comes when your comfort zone isn't so comfortable anymore, when it's keeping you from having a happier, more meaningful, and fulfilling life. If the Horse Is Dead, Get Off! is for anyone whose life has temporarily run aground, whether you're stuck in a dead-end relationship, in a soul-killing job, or when your life just seems to have become one long summer rerun. The rewards for escaping your comfort zone are enormous. And Sills, who has helped thousands with her sage advice, dispensed in her signature go-get-em style has come up with a brilliant, excuse-busting seven-step plan that points a clear, inspiring way out.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Business

256 pages, Hardcover

First published January 19, 2003

About the author

Media psychologist, keynoter and workplace consultant, Judith Sills, Ph.D, is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller, Excess Baggage: Getting Out of Your Own Way, a clear guide to your own personality pitfalls and a road map for steering around those of your staff and colleagues. She is author of five other popular psychology books which have been translated into 11 languages and is a widely cited expert and nationally recognized consultant in the business of relationships.

Dr. Sills is the contributing editor for the workplace at Psychology Today, where she writes a regular column, which has been quoted in both The Wall Street Journal and the NY Times. In addition, her work has been cited in, among others, US News and World Report, Time, and The Washington Post, as well as on CNN and MSNBC. Dr. Sills is also a regular contributor to the TODAY SHOW, as well as a frequent guest expert on other national radio and television platforms.

A three year National Science Foundation Fellow, Judith Sills received her Ph.D. from the Graduate Faculty of the New School for Social Research in personality and social psychology. She is licensed in Pennsylvania, where she maintains a private consultation practice. From her base in Philadelphia, Dr. Sills travels nationally to address groups across a wide range of industries, teaching a sophisticated skills set with one aim: to make your work less work.

Reviews

[Agoes · Rating 3 out of 5]

Berubah itu sulit, karena kita harus meninggalkan zona nyaman. Namanya saja zona nyaman, kita merasa nyaman dan tidak terlalu merasa rugi bila terus berada di dalamnya. Tapi di dalam zona tersebutlah justru kita bisa terus berada di posisi yang membuat kita berhenti berkembang, bahkan semakin terpuruk. Kebanyakan orang tahu bahwa sebenarnya mereka harus berubah, tetapi sulit untuk benar-benar melakukannya.

Ungkapan "mengalir saja lah" seringkali diucapkan, ibaratnya kita mengikuti sifat dari air... tapi kita juga tahu bahwa air itu hanya mengalir turun ke bawah, tidak ke atas. Lama-lama tanpa sadar terlanjur tercemplung atau terseret arus yang kurang baik. Dalam situasi tersebut, seringkali yang kita lakukan adalah membuat rasionalisasi dan pembenaran diri saja bahwa yang sedang kita alami ini merupakan yang terbaik atau masih memiliki sisi posisif. Padahal untuk berkembang, menjadi lebih baik, atau mencapai potensi yang sebenarnya kita miliki, kita perlu juga melawan arus kehidupan dengan mengambil keputusan-keputusan yang mungkin terasa berat.

Keputusan yang sulit ini bisa terjadi dalam berbagai aspek kehidupan, sehingga buku ini pun memberikan "contoh kasus" yang beragam, mulai dari klien yang ingin berhenti menjadi wanita ketiga dalam hubungan rumah tangga orang, karyawan yang ingin keluar dari pekerjaannya yang tidak sesuai panggilan hidupnya, dan juga mereka yang ingin lepas dari kepahitan emosional akibat perlakuan orang lain terhadap diri mereka.

Dari cerita-cerita yang disampaikan, kita diberikan contoh bagaimana kita dapat melalui proses tersebut dengan cara-cara yang lebih sehat. Tentunya ini bukan berupa "resep ajaib", karena permasalahan tiap orang memiliki konteks yang berbeda. Obat bagi orang yang satu dapat menjadi racun bagi orang yang lainnya. Namun tambahan wawasan dan perspektif yang berbeda akan membantu kita untuk melihat permasalahan kita dengan lebih jernih.

Penulis buku ini, Judith Stills, adalah seorang psikolog yang sudah membuat beberapa buku psikologi populer di luar negeri. Membaca buku ini bisa dibilang seperti membaca artikel Psychology Today yang dilengkapi contoh-contoh lengkap (kebetulan penulisnya juga editor di sana). Konsep-konsep di buku ini banyak didasari oleh konsep psikoanalisis, Jungian, kognitif, dan juga behavioristik. Tapi karena buku ini diterbitkan sebagai buku self-help, konsepnya dikemas dengan bahasa yang sederhana (banyak disampaikan dengan cerita) sehingga hampir tidak ada istilah-istilah textbook psikologi.

[Victoria Wilde · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of five-star ratings these days. Maybe I’m just easy to please. Maybe I’m open to the messages contained. Maybe I find what I’m looking for. Maybe the universe sends me what I need when I need it. But yet another book that looked inside my soul and made me a little uncomfortable. That said things I needed to hear. Another random library selection. Another book I didn’t know I needed. Highly recommend. We all get stuck in the trap of comfort, even when it’s not where we want to be. You’ll see your traps clearly as you read. And the solution for them in their many variations is the same. Step into discomfort. This book is written in clear, simple, precise language.

[Kathy Andre Mohler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good

[Zinta · Rating 4 out of 5]

We all get stuck. It's human nature to steer towards comfort, and when we find it, to stay. If I once thought--in my youthful verve and idealism--that we are driven first and foremost by the pursuit of happiness, with maturity has come the understanding and accumulated observation that it is often not happiness that drives us, but instead a sense of maintaining our security and safety (real or imagined). Of course, degrees vary with the individual. But it can often be astounding to see to what people cling in order to preserve what Judith Sills, Ph.D., in this book describes as "the comfort trap."

Change is crucial to life. Change is, after all, necessary to growth. While not all change is good, it must happen if we are to indeed find meaning (happiness) in our lives. Yet with change comes risk, and that's the place where we, sooner or later, become stuck. Change and the risk it entails by its very nature can feel like facing a very scary beast. To avoid doing battle with this "beast" (and make no mistake, it is a battle), some of us would do most anything... or do nothing at all, stagnating in place, dead weight floating on the river of life, pushed and pulled this way and that by default, rather than face it. But life does not tolerate stagnation. And so even when we choose not to do anything (and that, too, is a choice), life will make choices for us, force often painful change upon us.

How to deal with change in a more healthy manner? How to avoid getting stuck in a rut? Sills deals with this dilemma in her easily read book, lining out simple (not to be confused with simplistic) strategies. Magic formulas? Not at all. There will probably be nothing here to surprise the reader, but even if one needs nothing more than to bring what is already known to the forefront of awareness, this can be an inspiring and encouraging read. Sills discusses how to recognize when we are stuck in a comfort trap, how to deal with fear that keeps us there, how to begin actively making healthy decisions that will bring about positive changes, how to stop fence sitting, how to start living again. With sample situations from therapy sessions in her own practice involving comfort traps of toxic relationships, career dissatisfaction, family issues, and more, Sills gives a soothing, rational approach that, if one can reach down inside for that elusive courage, can work.

[Claire Binkley · Rating 3 out of 5]

I glanced through this book to see what kind of advice Judith Sills gives. It seems entirely reasonable, just like a Psychology Today column expanded into a 200-some page book. (Edit: Now that I think of it, what she said reassured me that I do not have this common problem, so I like it better.)

I escaped my comfort zone semi-recently, for great benefit, so I personally do not need the assurance. For this reason, I just found the book "okay". It's just one of those Dewey Decimal 158 books.

However, I did spend some time worrying over whether I was still stuck in a rut, myself, so I figured I might as well review it.

(I decided "no I am not caught in the comfort trap" due to having jumped so far out of my comfort zone last week I don't even know if I'm within five hours of the same time zone any more! Life has just turned inside-out.)

[Jon · Rating 4 out of 5]

A practical yet spiritual guide to making the big changes that we have to make to keep growing. Judith Sills is smart, funny and encouraging. She avoids the heavy handed "you must," suggesting instead that the answers for when and how to make changes are within - albeit sometimes screaming at you. She avoids absolutes, pointing out that there are no guarantees, but the simplest act towards change can start you on your way. I have to admit that I'm inspired by this book, and I might fire everybody!

[Julie Richert-Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

"You and I have a rigidly etched idea of who we are. That idea is huge, pervasive, and probably only partly understood, but its power over our lives cannot be overstated. We are largely the people we expect to be, because that identity shapes the way we sort through the thousand life choices with which we are confronted daily."
I really valued this sharply honest little book.
If the horse is dead, get off.
If the horse is dead, GET OFF!!!

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Oh, this is a great book for anyone struggling against the current of their own apathy. It encourages you to push the boundaries of your comfort zone until you've really made change, reminding you all the way that it's probably going to hurt, but it will hurt less than staying stuck.

I totally recommend this book!

[Hoan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really could relate to the stories in this book. The point was that no matter your situation - the path to getting unstuck is essentially the same and that it really requires strength, will power and a change in your mindset. It really helped me cope when I had urges to dwell or run backwards to my past. Great psychoanalytic read.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm riding a dead horse.

[Jay French · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enjoyable and actionable. Listened to audio, narration was excellent.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is changing my life! Wow. It is *just* what I needed.

[DeWereldvanKaat · Rating 4 out of 5]

Het boek geeft je een goede schop onder je achterste en motiveert om toch dat oude, vertrouwde achter te laten.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honest, true, and a little scary but I have to take the next steps.

[Sandy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This self-help book takes the old cliche about "beating a dead horse" and translates it to getting out of the ruts in your life. A nice read for the genre.

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel a lot more normal/boring after reading this book ;)

[Rose]

158.1 Sil

[Jennifer]

not available at library