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The Summons of Love
We are conditioned to think that love heals wounds, makes us happy, and gives our lives meaning. When the opposite occurs and love causes fracturing, disenchantment, and existential turmoil, we suffer deeply, especially if we feel that love has failed us or that we have failed to experience what others seem so effortlessly to enjoy.
In this eloquently argued, psychologically informed book, Mari Ruti portrays love as a much more complex, multifaceted phenomenon than we tend to appreciate―an experience that helps us encounter the depths of human existence. Love's ruptures are as important as its triumphs, and sometimes love succeeds because it fails. At the heart of Ruti's argument is a meditation on interpersonal ethics that acknowledges the inherent opacity of human interiority and the difficulty of taking responsibility for what we cannot fully understand.
Yet the fact that humans are often irrational in love does not absolve us of ethical accountability. In Ruti's view, we must work harder to map the unconscious patterns motivating our romantic behavior. As opposed to popular spiritual approaches urging us to live fully in the now, Ruti treats the past as a living component of the present. Only when we catch ourselves at those moments when the past speaks in the present can we keep ourselves from hurting the ones we love. Equally important, Ruti emphasizes transcending our individual histories of pain, an act that allows us to face the unconscious demons that dictate our relational choices. Written with substance and compassion, The Summons of Love restores the enlivening and transformative possibilities of romance.
In this eloquently argued, psychologically informed book, Mari Ruti portrays love as a much more complex, multifaceted phenomenon than we tend to appreciate―an experience that helps us encounter the depths of human existence. Love's ruptures are as important as its triumphs, and sometimes love succeeds because it fails. At the heart of Ruti's argument is a meditation on interpersonal ethics that acknowledges the inherent opacity of human interiority and the difficulty of taking responsibility for what we cannot fully understand.
Yet the fact that humans are often irrational in love does not absolve us of ethical accountability. In Ruti's view, we must work harder to map the unconscious patterns motivating our romantic behavior. As opposed to popular spiritual approaches urging us to live fully in the now, Ruti treats the past as a living component of the present. Only when we catch ourselves at those moments when the past speaks in the present can we keep ourselves from hurting the ones we love. Equally important, Ruti emphasizes transcending our individual histories of pain, an act that allows us to face the unconscious demons that dictate our relational choices. Written with substance and compassion, The Summons of Love restores the enlivening and transformative possibilities of romance.
192 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2011
About the author
Mari Ruti
48 books147 followersMari Ruti is Distinguished Professor of critical theory and of gender and sexuality studies at the University of Toronto in Toronto, Canada. She is an interdisciplinary scholar within the theoretical humanities working at the intersection of contemporary theory, continental philosophy, psychoanalytic theory, cultural studies, trauma theory, posthumanist ethics, and gender and sexuality studies.
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
March 27, 2022
I love this book. I eat this book for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Anyone who thinks otherwise can fight me.
August 4, 2022
Out of the two books Mari Ruti has written that I have read on the topic of love, I prefer this one.
The aim of the book is to both challenge some conventional idealizations and conceptualizations of what a loving relationship should be, and at the same time to offer a psychoanalytically driven concept of how one should approach love. Therefore, even while critiquing idealizations of love, I think there is an idealization within the book, even if that idealization is that we idealize to not idealize. Rather, the summons of love, love being a profoundly deep human experience that can make life more enriching, and offer us new insights into ourselves as primarily relational beings, is something we should strive for, however, we shouldn't strive for the completeness of our souls through it, but rather become nimble in the unexpectedness and challenges it offers, and approach it freely without holding on too tight. I would say, if someone were to posit where Ruti stands in Plato's Symposium, she would be on the side of Socrates rather than the more conventional notion Aristophanes posits.
What I really enjoy, is the psychoanalytic aspect of this book. Two primary critiques she offers, which I found tantalizing, were her critiques on Non-Violent Communication posited by Marshall Rosenberg, and the Eckart Tolle "Power of the Now". This, for me, posits an interesting challenge against notions of Polyamorous relationships, without let's say, dismissing them either. I find that many people who think that polyamorous relationships are somehow a more evolved or ethical stance on being in relationships, seem to follow the advice of these two authors. There is a story involved that humans are "naturally" desiring entities, and our ego based fears have made it so that we should just let others be free and do whatever they want without expecting anything in return. However, because as Ruti suggests, we cannot ever be fully present, we are historical beings, a history unknown to us, we repeat our patterns of love compulsively, we cannot escape certain manners of loving. These type of ideas, suggest that we all have "strong egos" and that if you follow that logic, it is actually the person who feels pain, who is in the wrong. Yet, if we follow Ruti's line of thinking, this is erroneous, because we do have ethical responsibilities to those we loved, we shouldn't hurt others and cause them to blame themselves for their own feelings. Forgiving, which is too often what the abuser demands of the abused, is the tool used by the worst violent offenders in the world, whether it be the abusive husband or the racist group.
Yet, even though we can recognize that we are all not compelety free, that doesn't eliminate us from the freedom of taking responsibility for our pain as she states. What I find very refreshing about her book is that we try, we seek the summon of love, and even if it is painful (which it will be because we seek love to fill the deepest lacks in our being) we see that as an opportunity to grow. We don't hold on when it doesn't serve us anymore, because society has placed such a high value on partnership we think it is a moral imperative to keep it even when it doesn't serve us any longer. We learn to give ourselves what we don't have from the other, even when we are seeking it through the other.
That all being said, it is quite an idealistic book in a sense. It demands that we become very comfortable with the work of mourning. It requires a lot to be a mature lover. It is not easy. It is a process rather than a step-by-step guide.
I love this book, it offered me a great insight into the freedom of my unfreedom. It is also very concise and impactful. Worth anyone's time. 10/5 stars.
The aim of the book is to both challenge some conventional idealizations and conceptualizations of what a loving relationship should be, and at the same time to offer a psychoanalytically driven concept of how one should approach love. Therefore, even while critiquing idealizations of love, I think there is an idealization within the book, even if that idealization is that we idealize to not idealize. Rather, the summons of love, love being a profoundly deep human experience that can make life more enriching, and offer us new insights into ourselves as primarily relational beings, is something we should strive for, however, we shouldn't strive for the completeness of our souls through it, but rather become nimble in the unexpectedness and challenges it offers, and approach it freely without holding on too tight. I would say, if someone were to posit where Ruti stands in Plato's Symposium, she would be on the side of Socrates rather than the more conventional notion Aristophanes posits.
What I really enjoy, is the psychoanalytic aspect of this book. Two primary critiques she offers, which I found tantalizing, were her critiques on Non-Violent Communication posited by Marshall Rosenberg, and the Eckart Tolle "Power of the Now". This, for me, posits an interesting challenge against notions of Polyamorous relationships, without let's say, dismissing them either. I find that many people who think that polyamorous relationships are somehow a more evolved or ethical stance on being in relationships, seem to follow the advice of these two authors. There is a story involved that humans are "naturally" desiring entities, and our ego based fears have made it so that we should just let others be free and do whatever they want without expecting anything in return. However, because as Ruti suggests, we cannot ever be fully present, we are historical beings, a history unknown to us, we repeat our patterns of love compulsively, we cannot escape certain manners of loving. These type of ideas, suggest that we all have "strong egos" and that if you follow that logic, it is actually the person who feels pain, who is in the wrong. Yet, if we follow Ruti's line of thinking, this is erroneous, because we do have ethical responsibilities to those we loved, we shouldn't hurt others and cause them to blame themselves for their own feelings. Forgiving, which is too often what the abuser demands of the abused, is the tool used by the worst violent offenders in the world, whether it be the abusive husband or the racist group.
Yet, even though we can recognize that we are all not compelety free, that doesn't eliminate us from the freedom of taking responsibility for our pain as she states. What I find very refreshing about her book is that we try, we seek the summon of love, and even if it is painful (which it will be because we seek love to fill the deepest lacks in our being) we see that as an opportunity to grow. We don't hold on when it doesn't serve us anymore, because society has placed such a high value on partnership we think it is a moral imperative to keep it even when it doesn't serve us any longer. We learn to give ourselves what we don't have from the other, even when we are seeking it through the other.
That all being said, it is quite an idealistic book in a sense. It demands that we become very comfortable with the work of mourning. It requires a lot to be a mature lover. It is not easy. It is a process rather than a step-by-step guide.
I love this book, it offered me a great insight into the freedom of my unfreedom. It is also very concise and impactful. Worth anyone's time. 10/5 stars.
September 1, 2025
Some nice insights about the importance of nurturing silence (together) and solitude (separately) for the maintenance of intimate relationships, and the growth that occurs from love and heartbreak.
My biggest critiques are: 1) the author gives away too much power over ones happiness and fulfillment to the lover as other, 2) sometimes when they are discussing love it sounds to me like they are describing new relationship energy which is inherently unsustainable and sets up unrealistic expectations for long-term lovers, and 3) much of the book reifies monogamous soul-mate-like tropes, distilling the nuance out of the possibility of multiple, complex romantic and sexual partnerships.
My biggest critiques are: 1) the author gives away too much power over ones happiness and fulfillment to the lover as other, 2) sometimes when they are discussing love it sounds to me like they are describing new relationship energy which is inherently unsustainable and sets up unrealistic expectations for long-term lovers, and 3) much of the book reifies monogamous soul-mate-like tropes, distilling the nuance out of the possibility of multiple, complex romantic and sexual partnerships.
December 2, 2021
This book had some good insights and Ruti is an accessible yet deeply thoughtful writer. The thesis is apparent from fairly early on, and no shock to anyone familiar and comfortable with the basic tenets of psychoanalysis: the past affects our present and future relational selves in ways both known and unknown to us. Ruti argues for an acceptance of this unwieldy force, rather than new age philosophies which overemphasize presence in the here and now. I appreciate this sentiment, as well as several others around embracing the inherent emotional messiness of relationships, though this may be a hard sell in the 21st century, with a commonplace desire to avoid pain, and pressure to choose a partner in the commodified marketplace of potential suitors.
In essence, reflection on patterns, through psychoanalysis or otherwise, is a key theme of this book. This idea sometimes felt a bit redundant throughout the book, as well as a bit obvious, and I wish there was a bit more on queer/non-monogamous relationships as potentially alternative forms of romantic love, as well as the ethical questions raised at the end around accountability. But overall the writing and thinking made this a worthy read!
In essence, reflection on patterns, through psychoanalysis or otherwise, is a key theme of this book. This idea sometimes felt a bit redundant throughout the book, as well as a bit obvious, and I wish there was a bit more on queer/non-monogamous relationships as potentially alternative forms of romantic love, as well as the ethical questions raised at the end around accountability. But overall the writing and thinking made this a worthy read!
March 1, 2012
A most wonderful, insightful study of love. Illuminates the mysteries of love, the call of the other. A very rewarding experience looking at the dynamics of relations. A sort of counter argument to the pop psychology of feel good relationships that avoid the past and ignore the wisdom of sadness.
It's so compelling that I have re-read several sections more than once.
It's so compelling that I have re-read several sections more than once.
July 28, 2015
Mari Ruti is à very wise philosopher and à great author. To me personally she was more than that. I think she is my best friend. She knows me by heart, took my hand and showed me my future....
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews