Jump to ratings and reviews
Rate this book

Rocking the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage

Rate this book
Rocking the Roles explains how marriage can be a perfect blend of structure and equality, balance and beauty. Transform your relationship by learning Build a marriage on a firm foundation of Scripture, forgiveness, and a healthy understanding of who we are in Christ.

272 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1991

18 people are currently reading
297 people want to read

About the author

Robert Lewis

33 books5 followers
Robert Lewis is the best-selling author of Raising a Modern-Day Knight and Rocking the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage. He is also executive director of the Global Reach research/resource organization, founder of the Men's Fraternity ministry, and pastor-at-large for Fellowship Bible Church in Little Rock, Arkansas. In 2001, he was named Pastor of the Year by the National Coalition of Men's Ministry. He and his wife, Sherard, have four children. Jeremy Howard holds a Ph.D. in Christian Apologetics and Worldview Studies from Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. Now a writer and editor, he lives with his wife and children in Nashville, Tennessee.

Ratings & Reviews

What do you think?
Rate this book

Friends & Following

Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!

Community Reviews

5 stars
77 (35%)
4 stars
74 (34%)
3 stars
39 (18%)
2 stars
17 (7%)
1 star
7 (3%)
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
Profile Image for Danny Vanderbyl.
19 reviews42 followers
October 21, 2007
This book is a uncompromising punch in the face to bad theology, bad thinking, and bad culture. Here comes the cold water!

The book launches with a fair and open discussion of roles in marriage. In case anybody out there is afraid of even talking about "roles" in marriage, rest assured Dr. Lewis fairly gives both the culture and tradition enough time to say their peace.

Nevertheless, be prepared to have your eyes blown wide open!

Launching from this consideration of roles in marriage, Dr. Robert Lewis passionately and yet surprisingly unpretentiously conveys to the reader a keen understanding of the key issues that plague society today, and yesterday. In the context of these issues, Dr. Lewis annihilates the shoddy ideas about marriage purveyed by both the culture AND tradition!

I found this book to be without question the most comprehensive, balanced, and informative consideration of marriage roles I have ever encountered. Lewis doesn't just challenge today's society; he has made a case against a fraudulent and stupid cultural mindset that has existed, largely unchallenged, for millennia!

Using statistics, rational thought, and refreshingly accurate interpretation of supporting documentation, Dr. Lewis puts the limelight on the failings of the current paradigms regarding marriage, and in response, he gives the fresh air people are gasping for - absolute victorious truth.

You don't have to be a Christian to understand (or even enjoy reading) this book - everything is supported by (obviously well-researched) relevant clinical and demographic information from wide-ranging sources. I might argue that many Christians would be shocked about how little they knew about marriage (as God intended it to be) before reading this book.

I come from a family where I lacked an involved father figure and I was raised by a dedicated single mother. I was shocked at times by what he said; Dr. Lewis' work helped me understand a lot about my own life. I implore societal leaders, mothers, fathers, and ANYBODY who wants to lead a fulfilling life to read this book - it will re-shape your ideas on how to achieve fulfilment and a balanced family life, and you will never regret it.

Lewis speaks boldly and without excuses. You may not like what he is saying, but I challenge anyone to disagree with him on a non-trivial point. Lewis bases his instruction on timeless truths, and it shows.

Dr. Robert Lewis has written THE defining book on marital structure and the functional operation of a marriage, as well as on the support systems for marriage (i.e. church, counsellors, friends.) The mindset produced by the knowledge in this book raises the bar for the outcomes of marriage to what God always intended them to be: fulfilled lifelong couples, successful and happy individuals, and glorious children, all which lead to substantial learning about oneself and about God.

As Denis Rainey says at the start of the book "This book will challenge your ideas about 'Traditional Marriage.'" I see Mr. Rainey, and I raise him; this is some HOT, HOT, SAUCE. This is a must-must read, and my new favourite book ever, but if you don't like the heat, stay out of the fire.

I'm positive that if you read this book, it will convince you to take action. It will put the reasoned desire in you to move your marriage to a whole new level. In that case, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND the other book I just read- "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. If this book turns your idea of marriage from a skateboard to an Indy racer, Thomas' book will take your fast machine and put Space Shuttle booster rockets on it. If you only ever read two books on marriage, choose these two. They changed my life.

-Danny Vanderbyl
Ontario, Canada
Profile Image for Ariel Paiement.
Author 28 books134 followers
February 26, 2026
Just finished reading this. It is an excellent book for Christian married couples but also, I think, offers vital training and insight to young men and women who don't yet have a spouse but also do not have a church or family that is properly teaching Biblical roles in marriage. Even if they do, it is helpful to have an outside perspective and something that can supplement because we all are imperfect humans, and no parent can ever teach perfectly in both word and example. A multitude of counselors leads to victory.

One of the things I love the most about this book is how it approaches roles as well as submission from wives. That topic has been a source of a great deal of pain and frustration personally, but the authors approach it with balance and good humor. I learned something from reading the Scriptures they provided with a better grasp of the cultural context as well as what the Hebrew and Greek behind the original texts actually mean.

A lot of what I was taught went to the toxic side that makes submission into a duty, nor a response, and, really, into subjugation to a "superior" will even when that person is in fact not superior and not living up in any way to what God has called them to. It was one sided, demeaning, and often enabled neglect at best or abuse at worst as it told women to shut up and put up with just about anything short of, maybe, physical abuse. In short, it was a view that set marriage up as adversarial because at the end of the day, the man calls the shots regardless of how his wife and kids feel. There was little no emphasis at all on the counterpart of the man's duties, which is exactly how submission could be turned into the wife's single most important "duty" instead of a response to Biblical headship.

My home modeled submission in a somewhat healthier way, but I still saw my mom struggle in a lot of ways because of a subtle undercurrent of the belief that submission was her only purpose and highest aim as a wife besides caring for us kids and the belief that leadership from my dad meant bringing home a paycheck, occasional sessions on theology with us kids, tutoring when my mom couldn't help us in school, and otherwise full abdication of any actual responsibility (which would imply a duty or standard day to day, not "I'll help if asked, but maybe not gladly") for care of the home outside of offering "help" when she was sick or overwhelmed.

It isn't that my parents don't or didn't love each other or that my dad didn't consider my mom and our best interests when deciding on a direction. They do love one another, and he did. But I watched my mom struggle to stand up for herself when he was emotionally unkind or neglectful because of her fear of conflict and the belief that her needs weren't important due to this warped view of submission.

I saw the impact that had and the way that led to erasing her identity outside of just another mechanism to keep the home and us kids cared for and running. She let go of so much she loved to take on everything at home because it was all made her problem with no actual responsibility from my dad to do more than sometimes assist. Now she has an empty nest and is struggling to figure out her purpose or who she is because her identity become less than what it deserved to be in service to this model.

This model allowed my dad to view every part of child rearing besides the spiritual discipleship and all of thebhousehold maintenance as a woman's issue even when my mom was burned out, at a breaking point, and losing her mind with all of us because of it. This became very clear when she had me and quit working. Even though he wasn't abusive because of the view and he did do his best to care for us all, this mentality didn't equip him or my mom to step fully into what servant leadership and being a husband and child lover/nurturer really involves.

Just because the view I saw lived out was healthier didn't mean it was biblical across the board. Having that background, I was innoculated against the equally destructive lack of any roles and "total equality" idea that leads to emasculating men and women being forced to step into a role they don't want and can't manage without serious harm to themselves.

But I also hated everything about the idea of marriage because I believed the moment I married I signed up to being an inferior, treated as only valuable in so far as I did whatever my husband wanted, and not godly unless I persevered no matter how I was treated and no matter how the leadership looked (absent, healthy, or tyrannical: all demanded the same "submission".)

Obviously, I overcame that aversion since I am married, but I have also continued to struggle with what my role is in marriage with a lot of feelings of resentment or simply feeling like my role is worthless, and I have often received some of the very same bad advice this book addresses or simply been left adrift without any practical way to step into the role and contribute to making the marriage healthier.

That is frustrating, and I picked up this book hoping it would be a breath of fresh air even as I was nervous it would just be more of what hasn't worked for anyone I know or for me.

This book stepped into that by making it clear that my core role is to be a nurturer, to care for and love my spouse and someday our children. But far from that meaning I can never speak up or put boundaries in place and say the hard truths if my spouse is off track, I am called to call him up to the plate with love but firmness to be the absolute best God can make him to be. I can't force him to do that any more than he could force me to be all God made me to be, but I can help him, as he can help me by fulfilling his own role. That can't happen if I or any other Christian wife accepts either the line that no roles and total equality in everything works or that she is less than her husband and has no right to speak out and rebuke because it is "unsubmissive".

I think the most important thing that I learned was that submission is the right response to the husband's biblical role and that enabling the worst in him by sacrificing the best of you when he is in sin is neither loving him, helping him, nor biblical submission. Shut up and put up, which is the view of submission I saw modeled and taught in church growing up, is not Biblical.

The teaching that he would be a better man if you'll just quit speaking up (and I don't mean quit nagging about his socks left all over the house; I mean the idea that a wife must always be affirming and gentle and can never call her husband out for sin and disobedience to God because that's the job of other men only), which is your role as a wife submitting, is not Biblical. Silence even when something is deeply wrong in the marriage is enabling, not submission, even if the woman does it with a heart of love or desire to do what she has been told is right. Just because the intention is right does not mean the action is, and allowing him to abdicate responsibility is just as much stepping away from your true role as his partner as choosing to take his role for yourself would be.

We have to stop acting like the traditional marriage of the past that forced women to endure abuses physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally in the name of submission is healthy or biblical, but we also have to avoid the pitfall of thinking we can totally dispense with roles.

Instead, we need the radical balance the Bible actually teaches, and I think this book does an excellent job of sharing that in a sensitive, humorous way that calls both parties in the marriage to fulfill their roles in honor and respect for one another. Symbiotic is the book's catch phrase for a Biblical view of marriage, not one taking at the expense of the other and calling it "headship" while demanding a non existent "right" to her unquestioning subjugation under the guise of "submission".

There is a third way, and it is the one the Bible teaches if we'll stop taking it out of context to treat women as second class citizens or ignoring it in the name of supposed equality. These are valuable lessons and good reminders, even if you had a good foundation and were taught Biblical roles in a solid, clear, healthy way.

It can't help but improve a marriage, and my experience as I have worked to navigate what the Bible really calls me to and to leave behind the fear based, guilt induced, self debasing view of submission I saw in church growing up is that this middle road that holds tension between the idea that roles are good (traditional marriage has that right) and that both parties are equal in value and deserve to be benefitted by the relationship (modern views on equality did get at least that right) is doing more to help me grow as well as to help my spouse grow than anything I saw or learned growing up. Sometimes it's hard because it means a lot of leaving behind old views while avoiding swinging too far to the other side, but it's worth it. If you're in the same camp or looking for a reminder or a place to learn before marriage to be better equipped, this book has something vital to offer to the discussion.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Profile Image for Savannah Petit.
84 reviews
January 24, 2025
I think this was a very insightful book and the authors were clear in their unpacking of cultural expectations in marriage and then the biblical call in marriage. Some of the chapters were more specific to certain people in certain types of situations so they weren’t necessarily as relevant to me but overall the book was really interesting. I loved the historical aspect of seeing how marriage dynamics were in the time of Paul’s writings and the comparison to now. This book was written in the 90’s so even some of the cultural unpacking was a bit dated and it would be interesting to hear the authors’ perspectives about current times.
Profile Image for Emily Berry.
25 reviews1 follower
April 4, 2025
Would not recommend this book. I am giving it 1 star, because there were a couple of nuggets of truth. There were several things I had an issue with for example the author kept talking about how work is the #1 most important thing in a man’s life. While I understand his point was to advise the wife to respect his work which is good advice, shouldn’t God be #1? I don’t know I feel like he talked more about work than God and there was barely any Bible verse / gospel in it, which is really what I’m looking for in a marriage book.
Profile Image for Chris.
Author 13 books11 followers
December 29, 2024
Overall, fairly good book. Sometimes Lewis and Hendricks are just slightly less firm than I think they should be on the role of husband and wife. Also, disagree on their brief takes on government involvement in employment. But overall, good book with some good historical information as well.
Profile Image for Honorah Deatrick.
13 reviews7 followers
June 9, 2025
Highly recommend every Christian to read this book in the current culture where many Christian young couples are fed up with traditional roles in marriage and dabbling in egalitarian “roleless” marriage. I found it refreshingly balanced and biblical.
1 review
October 22, 2025
This book will challenge the "traditional" notion of submission, while giving clarity to what the Biblical definition of "equality" is.

Also, please note that only 1 of 26 REVIEWS gave this 1 star, and only 1 more gave it 2 stars...
Profile Image for Belle Schaffer.
7 reviews
January 12, 2021
I really enjoyed this book. It was a fast and easy read. I appreciated how Scripture was incorporated throughout the chapters.
32 reviews
Read
March 17, 2023
Good and thought provoking. I did have some issues with portraying men as inept at dealing with life without the wife "caring for their self-esteem".
11 reviews
July 5, 2024
This is a must read for anyone who is married or desires to be married. Pastor’s will find it helpful for pre-marital and marital counseling.
Profile Image for Duane Strite.
11 reviews1 follower
October 5, 2025
A very good book on the roles in marriage. It goes so much deeper than just the common lead/submit thinking. Highly recommend!
37 reviews
October 5, 2021
I loved this book! It's illustrations are a little outdated; I believe it was written in the 90's.
Profile Image for Noel Burke.
475 reviews14 followers
March 7, 2014
We used this book in our small group. We have been going over it since the beginning of fall. A very decent book. It is a good starter book for new small groups and has enough content to assist with some challenging and profitable discussions while not being too difficult. The world cries "role-less" marriages are the way of the future, but if God has clearly defined the roles of husband and wife, then this way of thinking is wrong. I recently spoke with a friend at work who spelled out her marriage in terms of no defined roles. She claimed how great it worked, and claims to follow God to honor Him in her marriage. She had no idea that was contradictory. This is a good book to recommend to someone who has not considered roles in marriage and it’s easy to read through (short chapters).
13 reviews9 followers
April 15, 2008
Sound, biblical, applicable, readable stuff; highly recommended to anyone considering marriage, in order to engage your hopes and questions with Christian truth. Lewis develops a model of manhood and womanhood, and their unity in the sacred institution of marriage, that goes beyond the selfish, narrow categories that our culture offers us. Against both gender-equal and "traditional" understandings of marriage, Lewis suggests the biblical model is one which both preserves the headship of the husband while also emphasizing the sacrifice and service he must render ("servant-leadership"), as well as the necessary and natural complementarity of man and woman as "one flesh". Thanks to God for Robert Lewis!
Profile Image for Nicole.
76 reviews1 follower
October 23, 2013
Rich with Scripture, statistics, and personal experiences, Rocking the Roles examines the roles and responsibilities outlined in the Bible. Not only did I discover a lot of useful information about myself, but I also learned about the specific steps I need to take to be a better wife. I also gained a deeper understanding of my husband and the pressures that he faces. Needless to say, this book has changed my life for the better.
Profile Image for Bianca.
408 reviews
March 31, 2014
Excellent book on roles in marriage & the biblical foundation of living in those roles & supporting your mate in their role. Every couple should read this & it would be great if this were read early on in your marriage. Hubs & I both loved it & feel like it offers such a clear picture of the foundation your marriage should build on. Loved it & we will re-read this every so often, it's that good!
Profile Image for Brittany.
4 reviews3 followers
January 9, 2012
Favorite quote- submission is not the wife's role, but her response to her husband's role. Submission takes little initiative and would be unexciting to a woman. Her role is much more dynamic and creative. (Brittany paraphrase)
Profile Image for Bethany Lois.
106 reviews2 followers
December 30, 2013
Hubby and I have read this multiple times and used it in bible studies as well. A GREAT marriage book! We read this at the very start of our marriage and it really laid a great foundation for us. If I recall, it is an easy read, to the point and some real gems of advice!
Profile Image for Elisa.
18 reviews3 followers
March 26, 2008
I really like this book. It explains the Christian roles of marriage in an easy to understand way.
Profile Image for Jeff Noble.
Author 1 book57 followers
Read
April 17, 2009
Rocking the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage by Robert Lewis (?)
1,347 reviews4 followers
January 31, 2012
Great Biblical insight into what a marriage should really look like.
79 reviews
February 18, 2013
I like the perspective this book has. I felt it talked more in practical terms of what men's roles are but I still got much out of it. Very refreshing.
12 reviews
March 20, 2013
The marriage book I learned the most from. Love his recommendations for working moms.
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews