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Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single
"If every man and woman under 40 who is not in a happy, committed relationship reads Jillian Straus's shocking, heartbreaking, and persuasive exploration of love among the Unhooked Generation, far fewer romances will end in tears. This book will give readers the aha! of recognition they have been waiting for. Unmissable." --Naomi Wolf
Unhooked Generation is about single men and women in their 20s and 30s who are having unprecedented difficulties finding love. Based on 100 in-depth interviews, Jillian Straus examines the obstacles facing unattached women and men in an age when all the choices we have, somehow, manage to decrease our chances of finding a mate.
While cell phones, text messages, email, speed dating, and internet dating all conspire to create a sense that there are endless options, a culture of "consumer sex" and casual hook-ups make settling down feel like settling. And as the age of first marriage goes up, the level of expectation climbs right along with it, and we start subjecting prospective mates to "the checklist." From the collapse of courtship and the death of romance to the overriding media message that single life is sexy and married life is boring, we have a culture of mixed emotions about the very concept of marriage.
Confronted by a host of factors that other generations never considered in their search for love and commitment, the "unhooked generation" faces a potholed road to romance. Rich with compelling personal stories, and leavened with wit and sharp observation, this is a book that clarifies this confusing, compelling issue as no other book has -- and in its final chapter offers concrete advice for addressing the problem.
Unhooked Generation is about single men and women in their 20s and 30s who are having unprecedented difficulties finding love. Based on 100 in-depth interviews, Jillian Straus examines the obstacles facing unattached women and men in an age when all the choices we have, somehow, manage to decrease our chances of finding a mate.
While cell phones, text messages, email, speed dating, and internet dating all conspire to create a sense that there are endless options, a culture of "consumer sex" and casual hook-ups make settling down feel like settling. And as the age of first marriage goes up, the level of expectation climbs right along with it, and we start subjecting prospective mates to "the checklist." From the collapse of courtship and the death of romance to the overriding media message that single life is sexy and married life is boring, we have a culture of mixed emotions about the very concept of marriage.
Confronted by a host of factors that other generations never considered in their search for love and commitment, the "unhooked generation" faces a potholed road to romance. Rich with compelling personal stories, and leavened with wit and sharp observation, this is a book that clarifies this confusing, compelling issue as no other book has -- and in its final chapter offers concrete advice for addressing the problem.
272 pages, Paperback
First published February 8, 2006
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 42 reviews
February 7, 2009
I am 28 and have been happily committed to the same man since 1998. I picked this book up out of curiousity, to see what kind of situation I might be dealing with now had I not married and settled down so early. A brief perusal of reviews on Amazon.com told me that a significant number of my peers find the book to be accurate enough. So I set forth, prepared to be mildly surprised and relieved that I'm no longer out in the dating world. I was interested to find out why my agemates have found it so challenging to get set up with what I have had since a few months out of high school.
Soon, however, my mild surprise gave way to deep shock, horror, and sadness. I came to think of Straus as my own personal Virgil, taking me on a tour of the depths of our contemporary inferno. If theologians have occassionally described hell as simply a kind of exile, a self-imposed removal from the warmth of God's love, then perhaps that is not too far off a metaphor for where the people in this book are living. They want everything from another, but will yield nothing themselves. They want to be known, but will not make themselves vulnerable. They want committment, but they don't want to "feel trapped." They want someone to accept them in all their beautiful human complexity, but they cannot abide the thought of "settling" for an individual who does not meet each and every (sometimes even contradictory) point on their personal "checklist." They are materially well-off, educated, and part of a vibrant social scene, but Heaven knows they're miserable now, as the song goes.
Straus fingers the usual cuprits for this predicament: consumerist ideology which has moved even into intimate relationships by way of advice columns and internet dating; unintended consequences of feminism and the lack of clear roles for dating people; parental coddling; the postponement of marriage later and later into life when people are "set in their ways" with a higher standard of living. She explores a variety of ways in which these individuals make themselves miserable: the "starter" marriage, infidelity, "hooking up" promiscuously, pornography and strip clubs, serial monogamy, and unbelievably high standards (for other people). Her advice to this miserable lot is fairly intuitive and can be boiled down to what I fantasized myself saying to these people as I shook them by the shoulders, "get over yourself already! You're not that special! Make it work with the good enough person you're with right now, you idiot!" Of course she phrases it a lot more tactfully.
My one criticism of this book is that like many of its type it takes the spoiled big city crowd and extrapolates them to the entire country (if not the entire universe). While I don't know for sure that the scene is far different in Boise or Fargo or small-town Oregon, I suspect as much. Straus seems hesitant to say as much, but I suspect the greater problem for these individuals is that they are spoiled in general and have an excessively high opinion of their own value in society. This problem is not nearly so common outside the trendy NYC/LA world. If you are thinking of relocating to a metropolis, however, this book might be a good thing to read before taking the plunge. And especially if you're turning a college-aged child loose on that scene, it could be an informative cautionary tale.
I'm just relieved I don't have to deal with this personally, though reflecting a bit I can sadly enough still see some residue of the mass consumerist attitude towards relationship in my own life, especially as regards the expectations of my in-laws.
Soon, however, my mild surprise gave way to deep shock, horror, and sadness. I came to think of Straus as my own personal Virgil, taking me on a tour of the depths of our contemporary inferno. If theologians have occassionally described hell as simply a kind of exile, a self-imposed removal from the warmth of God's love, then perhaps that is not too far off a metaphor for where the people in this book are living. They want everything from another, but will yield nothing themselves. They want to be known, but will not make themselves vulnerable. They want committment, but they don't want to "feel trapped." They want someone to accept them in all their beautiful human complexity, but they cannot abide the thought of "settling" for an individual who does not meet each and every (sometimes even contradictory) point on their personal "checklist." They are materially well-off, educated, and part of a vibrant social scene, but Heaven knows they're miserable now, as the song goes.
Straus fingers the usual cuprits for this predicament: consumerist ideology which has moved even into intimate relationships by way of advice columns and internet dating; unintended consequences of feminism and the lack of clear roles for dating people; parental coddling; the postponement of marriage later and later into life when people are "set in their ways" with a higher standard of living. She explores a variety of ways in which these individuals make themselves miserable: the "starter" marriage, infidelity, "hooking up" promiscuously, pornography and strip clubs, serial monogamy, and unbelievably high standards (for other people). Her advice to this miserable lot is fairly intuitive and can be boiled down to what I fantasized myself saying to these people as I shook them by the shoulders, "get over yourself already! You're not that special! Make it work with the good enough person you're with right now, you idiot!" Of course she phrases it a lot more tactfully.
My one criticism of this book is that like many of its type it takes the spoiled big city crowd and extrapolates them to the entire country (if not the entire universe). While I don't know for sure that the scene is far different in Boise or Fargo or small-town Oregon, I suspect as much. Straus seems hesitant to say as much, but I suspect the greater problem for these individuals is that they are spoiled in general and have an excessively high opinion of their own value in society. This problem is not nearly so common outside the trendy NYC/LA world. If you are thinking of relocating to a metropolis, however, this book might be a good thing to read before taking the plunge. And especially if you're turning a college-aged child loose on that scene, it could be an informative cautionary tale.
I'm just relieved I don't have to deal with this personally, though reflecting a bit I can sadly enough still see some residue of the mass consumerist attitude towards relationship in my own life, especially as regards the expectations of my in-laws.
July 25, 2007
Once again, another book that attempts to explain and elucidate some of the obstacles facing Gen Xers. I've been single for the bulk of my life and have always had a hard time communicating and connecting with the women of my generation. I feel handicapped by the fact that my parents are still married; and are happily married, too. I grew up in a traditional family and I have always sought to replicate this ideal with the few women I have dated. Yet almost all the women I meet have such drastically different ideas about dating and marriage and families than I do. I'm old fashioned; most of the women I meet are not. This isn't to say that I expect my partner to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Far from it!!!! I would welcome a partnership where we both work and both lead rewarding lives. This book helped me to see that the members of my generation are perhaps a little impatient and a little spoiled and a little unrealistic about their expectations about relationships; influenced by the terrible toll the preceding generation exacted upon us from their many failed marriages and conceited pursuits. I appreciate the hard work and the bold words this author published and I wish that everyone in my age bracket who is still single would read this book.
March 18, 2008
Straus spoked about many issues my friends and I see are plaguing our generation, and why many of us are still single. One thing I didn't realize until I read this book was that I was also part of the unhoooked generation. Checklists, online dating, fear of closeness, etc are some of the factors that is making it hard to find a fulfilling relationship. If you are between the ages of 26 and 40, and are still single, it's time to pick up this book.
June 14, 2007
This book is THE TRUTH on why so many people today are struggling with dating. Cause we are SO SCREWED UP!
We are! And I agree with all of it.
We are! And I agree with all of it.
May 11, 2008
If you're still single, read this book and feel better!! There's nothing wrong with you - it's just society nowadays.
October 2, 2014
Unhooked Generation is a strange, forgettable composition. It’s neither a rigorous sociological or psychological study nor an interesting compilation of vignettes. The bulk of the book attempts to describe the relationship woes of Gen-Xers (as Straus refers to people born between roughly the 1970’s and early 1980’s). Specifically, it explores through too many examples why so many young people are unwilling or unable to find lasting romantic relationships. This part drags through repetition. The last chapter, entitled “Finding True Love,” attempts to prescribe a cure for said woes, and is a pleasant departure from the first eight.
Straus also provides a laughably unnecessary unhooked dictionary. She actually defines terms like booty call (“Someone you call up just for sex.”), double booking (“Scheduling two dates for the same evening.”), and recycling (“Having sex with an ex because either you still have feelings or physical attraction or because you want sex and it is easy, safe, and comfortable.”). The reader who would actually need to use this as serious reference material should probably be reaching for the latest AARP pamphlet on reverse mortgages instead.
Here’s a big spoiler, but also a big time-saver if you have no intention of reading this book. Straus blames “Seven Evil Influences” from our popular culture for ruining lasting relationships for Gen-Xers. Her solution to finding love is to consciously reject these evil influences by doing five things. Cheat sheets follow.
Evil Influences:
1. The Cult of I – selfishness and people trying to please themselves
2. Multiple Choice Culture – modernity and technology have given us far more choices in everything we consume, from food to clothes to entertainment to partners. Dating websites are particularly culpable at converting lovers into commodities. People create “checklists” for their ideal partners, but no one person could realistically meet all the requirements.
3. The Divorce Effect – divorce is prevalent, there’s not much social stigma to it anymore. Gen-Xers fear doing what their parents did.
4. Inadvertent Effects of Feminism – gender roles and expectations are uncertain nowadays and often conflict with biological reality. E.g., are women really attracted to men who make less money than them, and vice versa?
5. The “Why Suffer” Mentality – Gen-Xers avoid pain and see little value in suffering. If a relationship is not perfect, don’t fight through it, just bail.
6. The Celebrity Standard – single life is glamorous, married life is boring.
7. The Fallout From the Marriage Delay – delaying marriage raises expectations for marriage and prolongs the selfishness of adolescence. Average age of first time marriage for men is 27, for women 25.
Finding True Love:
1. Look at yourself first – work on your own commitment issues rather than externalize problems to your partner. Most of the people who wanted to stay sexually free ended up bored by the meaningless casual sex and longed for deeper intimacy.
2. Burn your checklist – set aside your fantasy and let real people come into your life and pleasantly surprise you
3. Stop speeding – make time for each other, don’t rush through life to the next goal
4. Go all the way – commit, don’t hold back by leaving yourself a mental escape hatch
5. Commit and fuel the fire – committing emotionally can increase the physical connection
The big problem with Unhooked Generation is the horoscopic nature of its distillate. The themes “uncovered” are so generally true as to not be very useful. One could only avoid the obvious conclusions Straus reaches by 1. never having a relationship, 2. never discussing relationships with one’s friends or family members, and 3. never engaging with any media on the topic.
A lesser problem with Unhooked Generation is that there are so many character portraits that it’s impossible to care about any of them. They are just anonymous, interchangeable nobodies. Bob had a checklist where his perfect woman had to be brilliant, beautiful, and independent, but also needed him for some things. Harlan cheated on his wife even though they had a seemingly happy marriage so that he could “see color again” instead of living his life in gray; he moved in with his girlfriend, but then they broke up too, and now Harlan is alone but having random sex with lots of women. Sarah found a perfect Jewish doctor, who was handsome and ready to marry, but she wanted to play the field at that moment in her life, and she felt uncomfortable, like she was being interviewed for a role as Mrs. Jewish Doctor. Amy dated lots of men, many of whom were very suitable, but she just always thought the next one would be even more perfect. Did I get these names and stories accurate? Does it matter?
The Unhooked Generation seems to be a consequence of the sexual revolution of the 1960’s. Not having lived prior to the sexual revolution, I’m not in a firsthand position to judge the merits of a more chaste time. Nonetheless, here are three immutable truths that I thought could have used some more airtime.
First, most men like to copulate with multiple partners, whereas this drive is not as strongly expressed in women. Thank evolution for that one. Pretending like men and women are the same on this front does a major disservice to women.
Second, men who are successful at copulating with multiple partners are worthy of praise, whereas women who are successful at copulating with multiple partners are worthy of scorn. It is absolutely a double standard. And it makes perfect sense. Setting aside rapists, who should be killed, the sexually successful man manifests some talent or attractive quality: they are very good looking, confident, successful, wealthy, funny, etc. These are positive traits that take effort, skill, or good fortune to acquire. The sexually successful woman, by contrast, need not display any particular talents, and, in fact, can be quite hideous. It is simply not as difficult to find a willing man as a willing woman. See the following two youtube clips for proof:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ira9A...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JJFB...
Third, there is a wiener count beyond which most dudes will discount a woman. The actual number varies by individual, but if you’re talking several dozen wieners, you’re flirting with whoredom. Also, generally speaking, the lower the wiener count the better. It’s kind of like a car, you always want lower mileage. Hate me for saying it, if you must, but don’t say you weren’t warned.
Memorable quotes:
“It is well documented that African-American women in particular have a tougher time finding mates and marrying. Forty-nine percent of black women in the 30-34 age range have never married, compared with 20 percent of white women, according to estimates of the U.S. Census Bureau. Why? Experts attribute this largely to the dramatically decreased pool of marriageable African-American men. African-American women reach higher levels of education than their male counterparts; therefore, their checklists tend to be even harder to fulfill, since fewer mates share both their race and educational level.”
“My friend Tara, a progressive post-Marxist feminist, confessed that when her first child was born, she was obsessed with her husband giving her diamond earrings. She is convinced that this longing is hardwired-an anthropological residue of the feather-the-nest reflex.”
“While [T.V.] programs have done single people a service by taking the stigma out of being single, in the process they have created a new stigma—one in which married people are the losers. It’s great that the idealization of marriage in the media is over—but the disparagement of marriage in the media has definitely reached a new low.”
“Wendy Shalit, in her book ‘A Return to Modesty,’ makes the case that in an oversexualized society, what women really need is to revert back to more modest sexual behavior. She writes, ‘Maybe we’re not having fun because everything is permitted. Maybe without modesty, we forget what is erotic.’ … For me and many others, casual consumer sex often dampens eroticism and potentially undermines sex with those we actually care about.”
“According to the Fairchild Bridal Group, the average American couple spends $26,326 on their wedding day. This figure has gone up 75 percent over the last fifteen years, according to “Bride” magazine. The average annual income for a newly married couple, according to a 2005 Fairchild Bridal Group Survey, is approximately $73,307.”
Straus also provides a laughably unnecessary unhooked dictionary. She actually defines terms like booty call (“Someone you call up just for sex.”), double booking (“Scheduling two dates for the same evening.”), and recycling (“Having sex with an ex because either you still have feelings or physical attraction or because you want sex and it is easy, safe, and comfortable.”). The reader who would actually need to use this as serious reference material should probably be reaching for the latest AARP pamphlet on reverse mortgages instead.
Here’s a big spoiler, but also a big time-saver if you have no intention of reading this book. Straus blames “Seven Evil Influences” from our popular culture for ruining lasting relationships for Gen-Xers. Her solution to finding love is to consciously reject these evil influences by doing five things. Cheat sheets follow.
Evil Influences:
1. The Cult of I – selfishness and people trying to please themselves
2. Multiple Choice Culture – modernity and technology have given us far more choices in everything we consume, from food to clothes to entertainment to partners. Dating websites are particularly culpable at converting lovers into commodities. People create “checklists” for their ideal partners, but no one person could realistically meet all the requirements.
3. The Divorce Effect – divorce is prevalent, there’s not much social stigma to it anymore. Gen-Xers fear doing what their parents did.
4. Inadvertent Effects of Feminism – gender roles and expectations are uncertain nowadays and often conflict with biological reality. E.g., are women really attracted to men who make less money than them, and vice versa?
5. The “Why Suffer” Mentality – Gen-Xers avoid pain and see little value in suffering. If a relationship is not perfect, don’t fight through it, just bail.
6. The Celebrity Standard – single life is glamorous, married life is boring.
7. The Fallout From the Marriage Delay – delaying marriage raises expectations for marriage and prolongs the selfishness of adolescence. Average age of first time marriage for men is 27, for women 25.
Finding True Love:
1. Look at yourself first – work on your own commitment issues rather than externalize problems to your partner. Most of the people who wanted to stay sexually free ended up bored by the meaningless casual sex and longed for deeper intimacy.
2. Burn your checklist – set aside your fantasy and let real people come into your life and pleasantly surprise you
3. Stop speeding – make time for each other, don’t rush through life to the next goal
4. Go all the way – commit, don’t hold back by leaving yourself a mental escape hatch
5. Commit and fuel the fire – committing emotionally can increase the physical connection
The big problem with Unhooked Generation is the horoscopic nature of its distillate. The themes “uncovered” are so generally true as to not be very useful. One could only avoid the obvious conclusions Straus reaches by 1. never having a relationship, 2. never discussing relationships with one’s friends or family members, and 3. never engaging with any media on the topic.
A lesser problem with Unhooked Generation is that there are so many character portraits that it’s impossible to care about any of them. They are just anonymous, interchangeable nobodies. Bob had a checklist where his perfect woman had to be brilliant, beautiful, and independent, but also needed him for some things. Harlan cheated on his wife even though they had a seemingly happy marriage so that he could “see color again” instead of living his life in gray; he moved in with his girlfriend, but then they broke up too, and now Harlan is alone but having random sex with lots of women. Sarah found a perfect Jewish doctor, who was handsome and ready to marry, but she wanted to play the field at that moment in her life, and she felt uncomfortable, like she was being interviewed for a role as Mrs. Jewish Doctor. Amy dated lots of men, many of whom were very suitable, but she just always thought the next one would be even more perfect. Did I get these names and stories accurate? Does it matter?
The Unhooked Generation seems to be a consequence of the sexual revolution of the 1960’s. Not having lived prior to the sexual revolution, I’m not in a firsthand position to judge the merits of a more chaste time. Nonetheless, here are three immutable truths that I thought could have used some more airtime.
First, most men like to copulate with multiple partners, whereas this drive is not as strongly expressed in women. Thank evolution for that one. Pretending like men and women are the same on this front does a major disservice to women.
Second, men who are successful at copulating with multiple partners are worthy of praise, whereas women who are successful at copulating with multiple partners are worthy of scorn. It is absolutely a double standard. And it makes perfect sense. Setting aside rapists, who should be killed, the sexually successful man manifests some talent or attractive quality: they are very good looking, confident, successful, wealthy, funny, etc. These are positive traits that take effort, skill, or good fortune to acquire. The sexually successful woman, by contrast, need not display any particular talents, and, in fact, can be quite hideous. It is simply not as difficult to find a willing man as a willing woman. See the following two youtube clips for proof:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ira9A...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JJFB...
Third, there is a wiener count beyond which most dudes will discount a woman. The actual number varies by individual, but if you’re talking several dozen wieners, you’re flirting with whoredom. Also, generally speaking, the lower the wiener count the better. It’s kind of like a car, you always want lower mileage. Hate me for saying it, if you must, but don’t say you weren’t warned.
Memorable quotes:
“It is well documented that African-American women in particular have a tougher time finding mates and marrying. Forty-nine percent of black women in the 30-34 age range have never married, compared with 20 percent of white women, according to estimates of the U.S. Census Bureau. Why? Experts attribute this largely to the dramatically decreased pool of marriageable African-American men. African-American women reach higher levels of education than their male counterparts; therefore, their checklists tend to be even harder to fulfill, since fewer mates share both their race and educational level.”
“My friend Tara, a progressive post-Marxist feminist, confessed that when her first child was born, she was obsessed with her husband giving her diamond earrings. She is convinced that this longing is hardwired-an anthropological residue of the feather-the-nest reflex.”
“While [T.V.] programs have done single people a service by taking the stigma out of being single, in the process they have created a new stigma—one in which married people are the losers. It’s great that the idealization of marriage in the media is over—but the disparagement of marriage in the media has definitely reached a new low.”
“Wendy Shalit, in her book ‘A Return to Modesty,’ makes the case that in an oversexualized society, what women really need is to revert back to more modest sexual behavior. She writes, ‘Maybe we’re not having fun because everything is permitted. Maybe without modesty, we forget what is erotic.’ … For me and many others, casual consumer sex often dampens eroticism and potentially undermines sex with those we actually care about.”
“According to the Fairchild Bridal Group, the average American couple spends $26,326 on their wedding day. This figure has gone up 75 percent over the last fifteen years, according to “Bride” magazine. The average annual income for a newly married couple, according to a 2005 Fairchild Bridal Group Survey, is approximately $73,307.”
July 17, 2019
When I was in high school, I used to assume that all the other students were plugged into a psychic field that allowed them to know automatically who is in a relationship and who is looking. That was the only explanation I could think of to explain why I was the only one who didn't seem to understand the rules of the game. Nearly 20 years later, I still don't really understand it.
This book is a good resource for people like me who have been left out of the psychic field. A handy glossary at the back helps to define terms like "hook up", "keeping my options open", and "starter marriage". Obviously these are not terms our parent's generation would have used. Courtship used to proceed much more methodically, and I would argue things were better back then. What we have today is a kind of free-for-all with everyone trying to find the perfect relationship but without any kind of guidance, but Straus's book is helpful in that it explains what everyone else is thinking.
Straus isolates some of the causes that have contributed to our generation's "unhooked" status, but admits that there's no way to really back out of the unintended consequences of feminism, fear of divorce, and multiple choice culture that contribute to gen-Xers and millennials (the book was written in 2006) desire to stay unhooked. The solution she articulates is that the simple fact that we want to have an escape plan and keep our options open is the thing damaging modern relationships. Our parents and grandparents were more content in their relationships because they were more willing to accept the imperfect in their partners, similarly, they didn't expect their spouse to meet every one of their emotional needs. Perhaps Staus's most important piece of advice is to ditch the checklist and work on making a full commitment to one person.
One thing I'll note is that the author gets a lot of good stories by interviewing people, almost all of whom are either involved in a long-term relationship or who have lots of dating experience. There's not much information about how to meet other singles, Straus seems to assume that this is self evident. Her narrative also tends to sympathize with female characters more than the men, but it is still interesting and maybe, for some people, even actually useful.
This book is a good resource for people like me who have been left out of the psychic field. A handy glossary at the back helps to define terms like "hook up", "keeping my options open", and "starter marriage". Obviously these are not terms our parent's generation would have used. Courtship used to proceed much more methodically, and I would argue things were better back then. What we have today is a kind of free-for-all with everyone trying to find the perfect relationship but without any kind of guidance, but Straus's book is helpful in that it explains what everyone else is thinking.
Straus isolates some of the causes that have contributed to our generation's "unhooked" status, but admits that there's no way to really back out of the unintended consequences of feminism, fear of divorce, and multiple choice culture that contribute to gen-Xers and millennials (the book was written in 2006) desire to stay unhooked. The solution she articulates is that the simple fact that we want to have an escape plan and keep our options open is the thing damaging modern relationships. Our parents and grandparents were more content in their relationships because they were more willing to accept the imperfect in their partners, similarly, they didn't expect their spouse to meet every one of their emotional needs. Perhaps Staus's most important piece of advice is to ditch the checklist and work on making a full commitment to one person.
One thing I'll note is that the author gets a lot of good stories by interviewing people, almost all of whom are either involved in a long-term relationship or who have lots of dating experience. There's not much information about how to meet other singles, Straus seems to assume that this is self evident. Her narrative also tends to sympathize with female characters more than the men, but it is still interesting and maybe, for some people, even actually useful.
April 22, 2018
Probably unfair since it was written 12 years ago, but everything in this just seems so obvious. And the author had such a strange way of describing people.
May 20, 2019
This was a fascinating look at 21st century romances and the expectations people set for being in them. I found myself nodding along so many times - highly recommended!
September 17, 2019
A little outdated in terms of the specific methods/technology, but overall a good read.
October 14, 2019
Pretty depressing until the last chapter. The last chapter gave me hope and a lot to think about and work towards.
January 20, 2023
Quite enjoyed this book. It opened my perspective to the influences good and bad around relationships. Additionally it provided insight into continuously growing those relationships throughout life.
August 10, 2016
Since there is little research on the topic, the author created her own subject pool. She found and interviewed 100 single generation Xers about marriage, their hopes, dreams and their single life.
Their common approach to marriage sounds like a consumer choosing a car. It starts with a check list of features. The models that look good are tested, engines are raced, and maybe a car is rented in the meanwhile. Any flaw is a "deal breaker". With so many models and alternative ways to spend money, the Xer waits for the next model year. Straus shows how this behavior is re-enforced by the media, dating services and peers.
The good news is that these people aren't getting married. In the past people like this did marry, and foisted a lot of unhappiness on unsuspecting partners.
The bad news is that happiness for most people is connectedness and intimacy, caring for and being cared for by someone special. The quest for the perfect outcome is deferring the dream. (Langston Hughes compared a dream deferred to "a raisin in the sun".) An Xer looking for commitment in this milieu will only find frustration.
Grandparents of baby boomers died at age 65, their parents at 75 and boomers might make 85. It appears that fertility has been extended as well. If medical science continues to progress, and the planet stays livable, Xers could push 100. Considering this, the movement of the average marriage age from the late teens to the middle 20's isn't at all disturbing.
What is disturbing, though, are the anecdotes that come from Straus's interviews. They define a generation of loneliness and a culture of users. I know a few Xers, some are single and some are married. Among the singles, I think they would marry if they found the right person, but, I just don't see the coldness/calculation of these interviewees in my (probably not so) random sample.
This book ends on a positive note. The material is well presented. It gives the reader a lot of food for thought.
Their common approach to marriage sounds like a consumer choosing a car. It starts with a check list of features. The models that look good are tested, engines are raced, and maybe a car is rented in the meanwhile. Any flaw is a "deal breaker". With so many models and alternative ways to spend money, the Xer waits for the next model year. Straus shows how this behavior is re-enforced by the media, dating services and peers.
The good news is that these people aren't getting married. In the past people like this did marry, and foisted a lot of unhappiness on unsuspecting partners.
The bad news is that happiness for most people is connectedness and intimacy, caring for and being cared for by someone special. The quest for the perfect outcome is deferring the dream. (Langston Hughes compared a dream deferred to "a raisin in the sun".) An Xer looking for commitment in this milieu will only find frustration.
Grandparents of baby boomers died at age 65, their parents at 75 and boomers might make 85. It appears that fertility has been extended as well. If medical science continues to progress, and the planet stays livable, Xers could push 100. Considering this, the movement of the average marriage age from the late teens to the middle 20's isn't at all disturbing.
What is disturbing, though, are the anecdotes that come from Straus's interviews. They define a generation of loneliness and a culture of users. I know a few Xers, some are single and some are married. Among the singles, I think they would marry if they found the right person, but, I just don't see the coldness/calculation of these interviewees in my (probably not so) random sample.
This book ends on a positive note. The material is well presented. It gives the reader a lot of food for thought.
April 1, 2016
Not the enlightening read I was hoping for. While the author does make some useful generalizations, I think there are more factors that could have been explored. Certainly, I felt that her descriptions of those in my generation as all going after plentiful casual sex and being in strings of relationships but fearing to commit leave out a significant subset of those who have remained largely relationship-less, waiting for marriage to come along. Her explanations could be stretched to give a thin answer to this group, but it isn't a complete or satisfying one.
This sort of book has a fairly short shelf life (no pun intended) and at ten years old it is beginning to feel at least trite if not completely outdated. Passages about the man who only IM's his girlfriend make one smile at their quaintness and make one notice the lack of reference to texting. The writing style is that of breezy celeb magazine interviews, which is fine for short articles, not for a 240-page book. It became distracting to wonder what new way the author would find of describing someone's haircut and eye color. Overall it was a quick read and not without some usefulness, but it was a stretch to turn it into a full book.
This sort of book has a fairly short shelf life (no pun intended) and at ten years old it is beginning to feel at least trite if not completely outdated. Passages about the man who only IM's his girlfriend make one smile at their quaintness and make one notice the lack of reference to texting. The writing style is that of breezy celeb magazine interviews, which is fine for short articles, not for a 240-page book. It became distracting to wonder what new way the author would find of describing someone's haircut and eye color. Overall it was a quick read and not without some usefulness, but it was a stretch to turn it into a full book.
February 7, 2017
This book really opened my eyes to how the entertainment world has given us the wrong messages as single people and giving us a perspective that marriage is a bad thing. Some of the shows mentioned were "Sex in the City, "Friends, "Seinfeld " and "Melrose Place". These are all shows I have watched one time or another. I found this book eye opening about so many things.
July 8, 2016
I have to echo the sentiments from some of the other reviewers for this book. While I could sympathize with the author's quest to understand the rise of singleness as more prevalent than marriage, I found her blaming of single people as too picky and expecting too much from relationships as rather insulting to single folks. And maybe it is just that this book is now dated in its analysis. It is laughable to read her aspersions of instant messaging, but this is all before the rise of texting. And her focus is on Generation X, which now feels behind the curve of Millennials. This book feels like an unfinished thought that is just one voice in a wider conversation about the changes in the role of romantic relationships in people's lives.
January 5, 2008
An ok read on why people are staying single / unmarried longer than ever. It's basically 8 chapters of why 25-39 year olds (which Straus mistakenly calls Generation X) have more problems than ever ending up in a committed relationship, and one chapter on what to do if you want a fulfilling relationship. I could've done with 5 + 1, but then, the book wouldn't have been > 200 pages longer and I'm sure there's some rule about that in the publishing industry.
At the same time, it's a quick read and Chapter 9 (entitled "Finding True Love", ha) is definitely worth the time.
At the same time, it's a quick read and Chapter 9 (entitled "Finding True Love", ha) is definitely worth the time.
February 9, 2012
This book is pretty depressing overall---it basically says that Generation X, due to a number of factors (outrageous expectations, contradictory needs and conflicting agendas, the media and entertainment industry, the collapse of courtship, feminism, and our perspective on sex and marriage), finding your "soul mate," is nearly impossible. The last chapter, "Finding True Love," is the best in that it breaks down what Generation X can do to try to recognize and circumvent some of these factors, and in the process, have a chance at finding "the one."
October 18, 2008
This book does a really good job pointing out the reasons that our generation has so much trouble being in and keeping relationships. The problem I had with it was that she tells you whats wrong, but then doesn't do a very good job of giving advice as to how to fix the problems. I came away from this book feeling a little worse about myself. Now I could see all the things I was doing wrong, but I had no hope that any of it was going to change.
January 12, 2011
I can't say this book was a huge eye opener to the fall of traditional relationships in this day and age. Much of what is written makes perfect sense. I don't know that these explanations are always true; we are talking about human nature and free will after all. However, as someone who is frustrated and saddened by relationships in this society, it does make me feel less alone in my concerns and maintains the old adage, love does conquer all.
October 9, 2007
Meh. Some good ideas about identifying the "scripts" we have in our heads about the people we should date, or the way our lives should go. Good personal stories and interviews to illustrate points. And still, after I read it I was like. Oh. I think I felt it didn't apply much to me since I have dated tons of different kinds of people. Its a quick read, though.
March 27, 2008
I borrowed this book from my sister. Though I'm no longer single, it gave me some insight as to why the men my sister meets aren't ready for marriage yet. It also made me think of myself when I was single, not so long ago, and the unattainable expectations I'd set for my mate. Definitely worth checking out.
February 22, 2016
Helped me to see things in a different way with my relationship with Jenna. I really agreed with a lot of what the book said about how much emphasis we put on our personal checklist for that certain someone and how we need to focus instead on just giving love and understanding all the nuances of our significant other.
June 23, 2007
Unhooked Generation is quite thought provoking. It deals with the reasons that so many people in their 20s and 30s today have trouble finding and maintaining lasting romantic relationships. It may be a bit over the top at times, but I think it's a fair (and hopeful) assessment.
January 14, 2019
A great sociological view of why Generation X can't seem to find people to date/get married to. How our standards are sometimes too high and unrealistic, how "courtship" is dead and some of the ways in which society has changed since the baby boomers. Some of it was obvious but still eye opening.
January 9, 2008
Tremendous insight into the catastrophe that this generation is in the midst of in reference to love/ dating. There are so many things to learn from it- the main one being that you need to look within and adjust your own attitudes.
March 12, 2008
This book made me look at a lot of dating (or rather Non-dating) patterns that myself and most of the young women I know have. And yes, we are all screwed up because of this weird time we are trying to live in. It is definitely worth a look if you are part of my generation or younger.
April 14, 2008
Amazing. If you feel an urge towards commitment and are wondering why it feels scary, awkward, or downright sick at the same time.. this book reveals why! I have had clients get hitched into amazing relationships after uncovering what was blocking their ability to let go & love. Amazing read.
January 21, 2009
A few "evil influences" were definately culprets in the demise of my marriage, as well as what I find myself thinking and doing now in the "search" for a mate. I felt like I was reading about myself, as well as those singles around me.
November 30, 2010
So far I like the book. I like categorizing messy topics and this is definitely a messy topic. I like that there's a category for several factors behind the sociological reasons for singledom. I know it generalizes and makes things too simple, but I still enjoy it.
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