With the Kisses of His Mouth

by Monique Roffey

A memoir of sexual self-discovery in the wake of the break-up of a largely sexless relationship. Emotionally reeling, Monique Roffey went searching not just for lovers but to experience the furthest limits of her sexuality.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Memoir

480 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2011

About the author

Monique Roffey, FRSL, is an award winning British-Trinidadian writer. Her most recent novel, Passiontide, (Harvill, 2024), a crime thriller and protest novel, was a finalist for the prestigious US Caricon Award.

The Mermaid of Black Conch (Peepal Tree Press/Vintage) won the Costa Book of the Year Award, 2020 and was shortlisted for the Goldsmiths Prize, 2020, the Rathbones/Folio Award 2021, and the Republic of Consciousness Award. Her other novels have been shortlisted for The Orange Prize, Costa Novel Award, Encore and Orion Awards. In 2013, Archipelago won the OCM Bocas Prize for Caribbean Literature. She is Professor of Contemporary Fiction at Manchester Metropolitan University.

Reviews

[Sibyl · Rating 2 out of 5]

This one got quite a bit of publicity when it came out a few months back. An excerpt in the Guardian. A positive review from Julie Myerson, admiring its honesty, candour, bravery etc.

The author is the friend of a friend. And I am particularly interested in autobiography. I am also preoccupied by the issue of the extent to which its possible to write well about the physical side of relationships. So it seemed a good idea to get hold of this memoir about one woman's 'sexual odyssey.'

Unfortunately I pretty much hated it. Yes, there is a sort of grim fascination when people start revealing the messiness of their emotional lives, their failures, the embarrassing moments. (It's a bit like watching bad auditions on the X-factor.) So I did carry on to the end. Which took some time given that there are nearly 500 pages. However I developed the strategy of reading very quickly.

The most boring passages were - oddly enough - the accounts of the writer's more unorthodox sexual activities. Her 'dates' with people she met via an internet site for people who want casual encounters, the goings on at Tantra workshops, and at a holiday resort for swingers. However varied the activities or the setting might be, the language itself seemed strained and repetitive. There was precious little humour.

Instead there was a terrible unremitting earnestness in the author's quest for sexual knowledge and understanding. Her curiosity leads her to explore some 'therapies' that - to a sceptical reader - sound very flaky indeed. I suspect that the self-absorption of anyone undergoing therapy - and the tendency to idealise the counsellor/therapist/guru - is at odds with the detachment needed to write about the process.

I felt she was better at writing about romance. The most powerful parts of the book concern her ex-lover. But even here I felt the writer just goes on too long. In real life, it may take a great deal of time to recover from breaking up with a partner. But readers can be heartless and unsympathetic. 'Get on with it,' I muttered, at regular intervals. Or 'Oh for God's sake,' when the author tells us about yet another anguished reunion with her former beloved.

Just occasionally there were memorable descriptions, good lines, which did me think I'd like to give Monique Roffey's novels a try. But with this book, my feeling was that 'less' would almost certainly have been 'more'.....

[Wesley John · Rating 2 out of 5]

I first happened upon Monique Roffey via Julie Myerson’s Guardian review, and was intrigued by the lure of a fellow Trinidadian writing on sex. I duly ordered & received her tome (courtesy of Amazon super delivery) on my birthday. I then struggled through the first few essays (there are no chapters) on the bum numbing 8 hr journey that is Northampton to Swansea. I say struggled as Kisses from his mouth is more an unresolved Agape PhD dissertation, than a narrative, littered with references & lists. Trinidad’s most famous writer (V.S.Naipaul) laid some typically apocalyptic charges wrt the quality of women’s writing, and sadly Kisses from his Mouth would definitely not be listed amongst the submissions for the defence.
As a case study, Sir Vidia would have to salute (& wince @) Ms. Roffey’s gynaecological forensic candour, her transatlantic breast beating, her reportage, and expensive endeavour, with it’s honey coated Anglo-Saxon veneer. However this is definitely not a last minute airport grab or beach read; the constant referencing only served me to question when National Express will ever implement on board Wi-Fi (freely available on Oxford-London!)
Written inna Enid Blyton/Jane Austen stylee (rcw - received creative writing style), the prose is efficient whilst lacking any page turning flourishes, pizzazz or joy associated with the best post colonial writing. (c.f. Ms.Levy )
Following her life changing rupture, Ms. Roffey cynically embarks on a journey into the underworlds of lost self-absorbed souls, each looking for their road to Damascus moment. As described, a world overpopulated with fairly repulsive men. After 480 pages I’m still at a lost to explain what she ever saw in her caries ridden Mr. X-factor, the persona that permeates every single page, & Ms Roffey’s every waking hour. Indeed given her fatal attraction to rough trade, and the ensuing outcomes, you can only wonder how, her long suffering counsellor (Michelle) is not driven to fatal self medication (eg. drink).
Amongst the deluge of information emerge are some recognisable beacons, such as when she describes the 1st chakra (Kundalini) as an energy familiar to (Salsa) dancers. The fact that she admits to being hopeless at Salsa we’ll gloss over. Conversely Ms. Roffey is drowned when she ventures into BDSM & Swinging (the dog miss-translation being the signature faux pas), which come across as a box ticking exercise; maybe a little knowledge is indeed a dangerous thang.
Another gnawing irritant is Ms. Roffey’s propensity to burst out crying at the denouement of every section.
Perhaps the most unsatisfying aspect of the book, having invested several hours in her journey, is the non-ending pledge, to continue her erotic quests with a more open position (no pun intended).
Ms.Roffey comes across as an extremely well read and sympathetic character, but the omnipresent man hating tone, & her melodramatic reaction to her rupture, makes her seem … well a little bit bonkers. (pun intended).
If you’re looking for references to Tantra, Magick, Craigslist, leylines and other assorted litany of eroto-psycho writing and poetry, then Kisses from the mouth is a somewhat circuitous manual. As a page-turner, I felt far more empathy for Elizabeth’s petit bourgeoisies in Call me Elizabeth – Wife Mother Escort (Dawn Annandale) - which from a fast fading recall - though not as creatively written, had fewer typos!

[Elizabeth · Rating 1 out of 5]

An abysmal failure. Criminal. Deeply disappointing.

I wanted to like this book and I kept giving it chances long after I should've tossed it. This is an absolutely disastrous memoir.

The only time I cannot support women's wrongs.

This book will make you believe in soulmates, if only by showing what happens when you throw one away. A case study in how constantly spinning your inner narrative to assure yourself that you're right and everything is good might completely liberate you from any good sense that was ever available to you.



This memoir is about a treacherous white woman who meets her soulmate and has a wonderful marriage and partnership. Seemingly from lack of care and effort, she didn't bother sleeping with her husband for several years and didn't bother picking up a book or a therapist to explore what was going on. He cheats, she acts outraged, then leaves him.

Upon leaving him she sleeps with half of London while 1) lamenting incessantly about how she misses him and 2) sleeping with as many guys as possible while acting like she's anti-relationship and anti-monogamy. Almost as soon as she'd say she learned/experienced something new that changed her whole worldview, she'd be back to remembering how the only person who ever truly fit her and loved her is now estranged forever because she couldn't bother starting sexual exploration with the man she belongs with.

n.b.: obviously no one likes a cheater but if you actually read this book (please, please do anything else. go to a dentist. talk to your estranged stepparents. pretend to really be into the lord of the rings movie for a guy you have a crush on and then smile and nod while he tells you about how an actor stubbed his toe while kicking a helmet or something - no, it wasn't scripted - anything is better than this) you will find yourself genuinely feeling sorry for this guy.

If you read closely, you'll notice how Monique will quickly wrap up certain stories without explaining what happened - this is almost certainly because she is hiding her own hand in a situation, since she will go into abundant detail about everything else. Not once, as Monique is plowing legs-open first through every alley and bar of London, does she bother to try to fix what was broken about her marriage- even though she yearns for him (and is aware of it). As deluded as she is, she cannot even pretend to herself that her ex isn't clearly her the person she should be spending her time with.

If you read really closely, you'll notice how her prose even sparkles and feels warm and comforting when she talks about her life with him. Even after two years post-breakup, the prose randomly becomes comforting again when she spends a little time with him.

She destroyed this man's life, crushed him in every way someone can be crushed, and she never explains why she doesn't spend 6 minutes trying to fix the sexual aspect of the relationship with someone who is clearly her soulmate (again, she over-explains literally everything else). She goes through hundreds of pages of detailing sexual exploration with every living being and never takes a second to question if she can bring what she's learned to be utilized in literally the only way that could ever matter, that is to say, to repair her otherwise ideal ex-relationship. This lack of narration is very telling - she doesn't shy from publically humiliating him, so surely if she had ever made any effort to fix their sexual relationship, we would hear about it. But not so much as a peep from the lady who became enlightened off craigslist one-night stands and multiple tantric workshops - but not enlightened enough to stop her heart from crying out for the only man that she belongs with.

What a missed opportunity for an actually engaging book about relationships that don't fit and the ways we can grow and expand after. This book is a criminal accounting. She constantly name drops people (and even gives multiple names so you can be sure to know who she is exposing and saying horrible things about.) Shame on all her friends who sat by and never bothered to tell her that she needed a hefty dose of critical thinking. It would be one thing if this woman truly thrived from her post-marriage life. But even while saying her world was opening up, the truth of her reality was ever-present: she had fucked up, and longed for the good man she had taken for granted.

[Penny Harper · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely mind-blowing in its honesty and vulnerability, this is a must-read book for anyone interested in the field of human relationships. Sometimes shocking, often hilarious, frequently moving, it's one of the few books I wanted to photocopy pages from and put them on my wall! (I ordered this book from the library but am going to buy a copy too as I know I will read it again). I was surprised at the amount of bad reviews this book received here, as it's beautifully written and so so worthwhile. Fans of this book might also enjoy Sensation by Isobel Losada.

[Alex Rogers · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this, a very refreshing look at sex and sexuality from a female perspective, and much of it resonated with my own experiences and discoveries, in the beginning. Unfortunately it ran out of steam a little towards the end, and became much more personal / specific to her own needs / experience / psychology, so I got derailed somewhat. An enjoyable and interesting read.

[Aimee · Rating 5 out of 5]

A bleeding wound you love to read about - this is an exceptional author's account of love, loss, heartbreak, sexuality, and self.

I was completely engrossed in this woman's journey. The writing is raw, relate-able, and so intriguing. It taught me a whole lot about myself and my relationship.

[Niamh Boyce · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating and brave book - a really thought provoking read.

[Joanne Osborne · Rating 2 out of 5]

Was I just not in the mood for this book.. unsure! But found that I put it down half way through for want of a better read. Still sitting on my table perhaps will pick up again to finish.. and perhaps life is too short..

[Lee Kofman · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was surprised by how disappointing this memoir proved to be. As a novelist, Roffey was shortlisted for the Orange Prize and so, perhaps foolishly, I expected the book to be more intelligent and definitely much more self-aware and of course more coherent inside. I just couldn’t believe how sloppily it was written (where were the editors??) and with how many inconsistencies. How can a writer call herself a skeptic when she sounds like a new age and therapy junky? How can she not reflect on why the only serious relationship she ever had was with that pretty revolting ex, and what did this say about her need for him? Etc. etc. In short, this book is thick on tediously graphic sexual tales and thin on reflection.

[Kirsten · Rating 3 out of 5]

I only read 214 of the 466 pages and have decided to stop here, despite enjoying what I have read so far. It feels like a cross between Elizabeth Gilbert and Sex and the City - lovely intelligent voice exploring sex and relationships, most specifically, the effect of a break up. Roffey is very generous with sharing her thoughts, experiences, life. It's been quite an eye opener, but I'm ready to hop off now...

[Henry · Rating 3 out of 5]

beautiful, sad, wise, and sexy.
Monique writes a compelling account of her sexual quest post breakup.
I loved the bit about Mary Magdalene; the tantric bits and her expose of the swingers resort in France.
got a bit Runes and druidy at the end

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

For anyone not satisfied with the missionary position, provided you can plough through the dross over her ex... those rose tinted glasses get in the way of seeing what's wrong for us. Courageous of Roffey to have shared such intimate moments of her journey.

[Kelly Bennett · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you want to read of a woman coping with the breakup of her sexless marriage via exploring her sexuality through social media, Tantric workshops, self exploration and discovery, this is a must. It's a memoire and does get tedious. Although Roffey raises some interesting points...

[Paula Wadmore · Rating 3 out of 5]

A memoir about the end of Roffey's long-term relationship with her partner and the sexual journey she subsequently embarks upon. At times I was embarrassed for her but mostly I admired her bravery.

[Claire Coulthard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy read

[Sally · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am really not enjoying this book. Not what I thought it was going to be at all. Must persevere though.

[Jill Zeiss · Rating 2 out of 5]

The rudest book I've ever read!

[Susy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finished the book this morning, and absolutely loved it