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An Empty Lap: One Couple's Journey to Parenthood
"Joe and I had been forthright about children. I was pretty sure I wanted them, Joe was pretty sure he didn't. Since we each perceived in the other some room for movement, the difference didn't worry us. Then priorities shifted, needs changed...."
In her late thirties, journalist Jill Smolowe's life and career at Time magazine was on track. Her husband, Joe, was still her most trusted confidante and best friend. And now that she and Joe had decided finally to have a child, Jill assumed the pregnancy that had come so easily to all the women in her family would be her own next chapter. But nature had a different script in mind.
As her quest for a child swerved from the roller coaster of infertility procedures toward the baffling maze of adoption options, Jill's desperation deepened -- while Joe's resistance to children only hardened. In the fog of depression, disappointments, and dead ends, their marriage began to founder. Then, halfway around the world, in Yangzhou, China, she encountered a future she'd never imagined might be hers.
Honest and intimate, An Empty Lap is as much a window on a marriage as on a high-stakes baby chase. Compelling, beautifully told and as insightful as a novel, it's filled with emotions that anyone who has yearned for a child will recognize.
In her late thirties, journalist Jill Smolowe's life and career at Time magazine was on track. Her husband, Joe, was still her most trusted confidante and best friend. And now that she and Joe had decided finally to have a child, Jill assumed the pregnancy that had come so easily to all the women in her family would be her own next chapter. But nature had a different script in mind.
As her quest for a child swerved from the roller coaster of infertility procedures toward the baffling maze of adoption options, Jill's desperation deepened -- while Joe's resistance to children only hardened. In the fog of depression, disappointments, and dead ends, their marriage began to founder. Then, halfway around the world, in Yangzhou, China, she encountered a future she'd never imagined might be hers.
Honest and intimate, An Empty Lap is as much a window on a marriage as on a high-stakes baby chase. Compelling, beautifully told and as insightful as a novel, it's filled with emotions that anyone who has yearned for a child will recognize.
288 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 1997
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About the author
Jill Smolowe
10 books15 followersJill Smolowe is the author of the memoirs "Four Funerals and a Wedding: Resilience in a Time of Grief" and "An Empty Lap: One Couple’s Journey to Parenthood", and co-editor of the anthology "A Love Like No Other: Stories from Adoptive Parents". An award-winning journalist, she has been a foreign affairs writer for Time and Newsweek, and a senior writer for People, where she currently specializes in crime stories. Her articles and essays have appeared in many publications and anthologies, including the New York Times, the Boston Globe, The Washington Post Magazine, More, Red (UK), Adoptive Families and the Reader’s Digest “Today’s Best NonFiction” series.
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
November 8, 2019
Having cried for years over our inability to have a child, this book reached straight into my heart. Watching my dear friend struggle unsuccessfully to become a parent made this book all the more tear-worthy.
Smolowe reaches straight into her heart and creates dynamic images of the people in her life. Joe could be a movie all to himself, possibly! I look forward to reading more by this author, having so far only read 2 of her books.
Smolowe reaches straight into her heart and creates dynamic images of the people in her life. Joe could be a movie all to himself, possibly! I look forward to reading more by this author, having so far only read 2 of her books.
May 21, 2016
This book was written by a journalist and it shows. Rather than a novel with a tied up surprise ending it is the chronicle of one couple’s journey through infertility to eventually adopting a baby from China. It’s a glimpse into the experience of infertility.
Like all couples these Jill and her husband begin the conception journey optimistically, assuming things will work out well. After all, all those years of worrying about conceiving at the wrong time, taking birth control pills and diligently using condoms can’t be for naught right? They wait the requisite amount of time and then they see a specialist, at which point the tests and treatments begin. Eventually they settle on adoption, and they go through several near misses (e-moms changing their moms, a shady international adoption attempt facilitated by their foreign war correspondent connections, etc) before they eventually successfully adopt from China.
Smolowe is unflinching in the way she describes the emotional and financial consequences of infertility and adoption. Though the book is outdated in terms of its usefulness for potential adoptive parents, I would probably recommend it to someone who wants to know what friends or family are experiencing or to an infertile couple who wants their friends and family to know what they are experiencing.
As an aside, the relationship described in the book is a fascinating one. I had to struggle throughout to keep from judging Jill and her husband, as they make decisions regarding bringing a child into a relationship that is already strained and struggling. Then, I realized that most couples who adopt are at one of the low points in their relationship, because honestly, infertility brings most people to their knees. Still, there is something to be said for at least healing the loss of infertility before moving straight to adoption.
Like all couples these Jill and her husband begin the conception journey optimistically, assuming things will work out well. After all, all those years of worrying about conceiving at the wrong time, taking birth control pills and diligently using condoms can’t be for naught right? They wait the requisite amount of time and then they see a specialist, at which point the tests and treatments begin. Eventually they settle on adoption, and they go through several near misses (e-moms changing their moms, a shady international adoption attempt facilitated by their foreign war correspondent connections, etc) before they eventually successfully adopt from China.
Smolowe is unflinching in the way she describes the emotional and financial consequences of infertility and adoption. Though the book is outdated in terms of its usefulness for potential adoptive parents, I would probably recommend it to someone who wants to know what friends or family are experiencing or to an infertile couple who wants their friends and family to know what they are experiencing.
As an aside, the relationship described in the book is a fascinating one. I had to struggle throughout to keep from judging Jill and her husband, as they make decisions regarding bringing a child into a relationship that is already strained and struggling. Then, I realized that most couples who adopt are at one of the low points in their relationship, because honestly, infertility brings most people to their knees. Still, there is something to be said for at least healing the loss of infertility before moving straight to adoption.
April 17, 2013
What struck me most in this book was how determined the author was to adopt, and how it nearly destroyed her marriage. In fact, I think the husband requested a divorce from her when they were boarding the plane - said something to the effect of, "I'll complete the adoption papers with you, but then I'm out of here". It changed later, the husband fell in love with the little girl and was a good daddy, but still.
December 4, 2013
A must read for any couple struggling with infertility and the impact it has on an individual (woman) psyche and the relationship with a spouse. So cathartic!!!
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews