Keeping Your Child in Mind: Overcoming Defiance, Tantrums, and Other Everyday Behavior Problems by Seeing the World through Your Child's Eyes

by Claudia M. Gold

Being understood by someone you love is one of the most powerful feelings, at all ages. For a young child, it is the most important of all experiences because it allows the child's mind and sense of self to grow. In the midst of the perennial concerns parents bring to Dr. Claudia Gold, she shows the magical effect of seeing a problem from their child's point of view. Most parenting books teach parents what to do to solve behavior problems, but Dr. Gold shows parents how to be with a child. Crises are defused when children feel truly heard and validated; this is how they learn to understand, and, eventually, control themselves.

Dr. Gold's insightful guide uses new research in developmental psychology and vivid stories from her practice to show parents how to keep a child in mind and deepen this central relationship in their lives.

Genres: Parenting, Psychology, Nonfiction

240 pages, Paperback

First published August 30, 2011

About the author

I am a pediatrician and writer with a long-standing interest in addressing children’s mental health needs in a preventive model. I have practiced general and behavioral pediatrics for over 20 years, and currently specializes in early childhood mental health. I have written 4 books and I write regularly for Psychology Today and my blog, Child in Mind. I speak frequently to a variety of audiences including parents and professionals. I am on the faculty of University of Massachusetts Boston Infant-Parent Mental Health Program, the Brazelton Institute, and the Berkshire Psychoanalytic Institute. I received my BA and MD from the University of Chicago.

Reviews

[LibraryLaur · Rating 2 out of 5]

I admit, I skipped the chapters on infants and school-age kids, since it doesn't apply right now, and skimmed a lot of the rest of it, but I think I got the gist. Basically, try to think like your child is thinking. Apparently empathy cures just about every behavioral issue your child might have. I'll let you know.

[Rosa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like an attachment 101 course. Interesting read, could lead to a lot more reading to get to the original writings.
The weird part for me was the addition of a strong recommendation to sleep train, which is not at all part of the attachment litterature. I feel like there should have been a clear distinction in that section, and maybe citing some legit research on the subject. The thing is there isn’t much research about it...

[Marci · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really loved the attachment and relational neuroscience research the author draws from. And I appreciate her message of seeking to understand the meaning behind your child’s behaviors and developing the capacity empathize with your child’s emotions. But there’s very little that describes “how” to actually do that. I wish the author provided more “how” rather than repeating the “what” and the “why.”

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book, but it often felt a bit long on the pressure to be an extremely self-sacrificing mother and short on actual examples/scenarios that might be helpful.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A parent must-read.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good illustration of what mindfulness looks like in parenting, but it doesn't get into the specific exercises one can do besides getting support from therapists and family.

[Shelby · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book incredibly insightful.

[lee lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though I read this book quickly, it was much more interesting and useful than may of the other parenting books I fly through. This one is from a heavily psychological & medical perspective, as the author has been a behavioral pediatrician for some time. She relies on a few reputable sources and gives great recommendations in each chapter if you want to keep digging. The chapters are divided according to child's age and focus on 1 or 2 things that might be happening during that time.

Her basic approach, relying on respect and independence-when-appropriate, seems to be in line with the few others I've read and agreed with. It gave me some ideas, but mostly it's just good to read and hear another person affirming my own beliefs. The books also reminds the reader numerous times how very hard it is to be a parent, regardless of age or temperament of child--and that's something that is so good to hear. You cannot hear it enough, in fact.

Lastly, the book made me wish my own pediatrician was "behavioral" focused (if that is such a thing...) because it's almost like getting therapy for free (assuming insurance pays for it)!. I think ALL parents could benefit from meeting with someone every other week and talking about what's going on behaviorally with their child. I guess a lot of moms do this with each other, but I also like the idea of a truly non-partisan party giving feedback & encouragement.

[K · Rating 4 out of 5]

So, this book meets a good middle ground, discussing not only parenting, but how systems can have an effect on the way we parent. Also, how we as parents can empathize with the young people in our lives and recognize their developmental stages, personalities, and pasts to help them become who they are meant to be. Basically, it is about being an ally, and not getting or seeing what you want, but seeing what is best for the children around you. I think this book would be a fantastic read for anyone working with youth who are interested in allyship -- to work with youth, not for them. This book also gets into mental health, and also the medicalization of young people because of assumptions doctors and schools make about defiant, resistant, anxious, active children (basically, any kid who doesn't fit into what schools think kids should act like). Wonderful read! Great research. Logical, and loving.

[Marie Celano · Rating 4 out of 5]

Claudia Gold is obviously a very intelligent, compassionate and concerned writer. The wisdom and insight she imbues is evident in her writing. I would highly recommend this book to all first time parents so they can get it right the first time! Needless to say it is an approach to parenting that is outside the norm with a loving and caring approach that allows the child to explain themselves rather than an exhausted parent coming up with their own conclusions which in my experience were usually wrong. I'd also recommend this book for parents at all stages of development to help enhance their understanding and relationship with their children. I'd love to go to Target one day and not hear a parent yelling at their child but bending down or picking them up, looking in their eyes and asking "What's wrong?"

[University of Chicago Magazine]

Claudia M. Gold, AB'83, MD'87
Author

From our pages (Sept–Oct/11): "Children's behavioral problems, says pediatrician Claudia Gold, are symptoms of disruptions in relationships. From her 20 years of working with children, she argues that the most effective method of managing excessive crying and explosive outbursts is by strengthening the emotional relationships between parent and child. Sharing stories from personal experience, Gold shows parents 'how to be with a child,' validating his emotions so that he can eventually manage those emotions on his own."

[Bethany · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book caught my eye on the "new arrivals" shelf at the library. The author shared interesting insight into the mindset & development of children at various ages. I appreciated the reminder to slow down & think from your child's perspective. It can be so easy to react to their behavior at times, rather than considering their thoughts or motives. I wish more parents would read this book.

[Susie . · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gold's book talked about the importance of letting a child be their own person and have their own thoughts and feelings and parents are just facilitators. It went from infancy to adolescence. I thought the chapter on adolescence was the important because parents often have the most difficulty during this time. It was heavy on the scientific part but I enjoyed the background facts.

[K Hue · Rating 5 out of 5]

neuroscience of secure attachment; Daniel Siegel, A. Sroufe, John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main, P. Fonagy, Jon Kabat-Zinn; holding your child in mind; pediatrican; parenting; neuroplasticity; Bruce Perry; Peter Levine; regulation of your emotions; infant mental health; "The Silenced Child"; Winnicott's concept of "good enough"...

[Samantha Hodge]

This appears to be a useful book, but I have some serious reading ADD right now. Revisit later!!!

[F V Mansour · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked the straight forward way she suggests how to think about and with your child.

[Valerie Edmands · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really liked this book. Very readable and very valuable information on why we do what we do as parents. Highly recommend.

[Kathleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Basic common sense in a perfect world. Slowing down to listen to what the child is trying to communicate. Skimmed a lot but good advice.

[Sarah]

Recommended by Monnie

[Francesca · Rating 2 out of 5]

I only read the toddler chapter, so my impression is limited. I was looking for useful ways to deal with whining and defiant behavior, but I found the book to be more scientific than practical.

[Val · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Whatever quirks and vulnerabilities he may have... They are a unique set of challenges that he must learn to cope with and even perhaps use as an asset as he grows and develops." I agree!

[وردٌ · Rating 2 out of 5]

I finally gave up on this. The writing and presentation are too convoluted for my own taste.