I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood

by Lisa Manterfield

Lisa Manterfield was a sensible 32-year-old when she met The One-a man who sparked a passion for tango, an urge to break down closed doors, and a deep-rooted desire to reproduce. Five years later she was a baby addict, hiding her addiction, plotting a maternity ward heist, and threatening anything that got in her way, including her beloved husband and his pesky practicality. In this gritty and honest memoir, Manterfield traces her spiraling route from rational 21st century woman to desperate mama-wannabe. She examines the siren song of motherhood, the insidious lure of the fertility industry, and the repercussions of being childless in a mom-centric society. But this isn't just another infertility story with another miracle baby ending, nor is it a sad introspective of a childless woman; this is a story about love, desire, and choices-and ultimately about hope. It is the story of a woman who escapes her addiction, not with a baby, but with her sanity, her marriage, and her sense-of-self intact.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Womens, Marriage

212 pages, Paperback

First published November 18, 2010

About the author

I’m Lisa Manterfield and I love telling stories.

I’m a curious cat and I’m fascinated by human behavior and what makes people tick.

I love fish-out-of-water stories of ordinary people in extraordinary situations, especially if those situations delve into the unexplained.

I love digging up nuggets of history—not the vast sweeping stories of events that changed the world, but the personal stories of people making their way through life while history happened around them.

Like many of my characters, I grew up in the north of England. Although my hometown of Sheffield is a big city, I fell head-over-heels in love with the surrounding countryside and spent most of my early years outdoors.

In school, I became my county’s orienteering champion, which means I was a whizz at navigating with a map and compass, and thrashing my way through mud and brambles.

These days, you’re more likely to find me riding my bike at the beach or running (slowly) the trails near my home in California.

I’ve always loved adventure. My first expedition happened when I was two years old and I escaped through a gap in the fence around my family’s house. Ever since, I’ve loved exploring, whether that means heading into the woods for a hike, traveling to new countries, learning a new skill, or escaping into a great book.

Some of my favorite adventures include hiking the Inca Trail in Peru, climbing a via ferrata in Italy, feeding a rhinoceros at the zoo, seeing elephants in the wild, performing in a play, teaching myself to play the bagpipes, learning to cook Indian food, canoeing down a river, and bicycling around Ireland.

Despite my love of adventure, most days you’ll find me in slippers, writing.

In my house, I am the fixer of all things broken and guardian of the bathtub spiders. I’m lucky enough to share my home with my lovely husband, and Felicity, my seriously over-indulged (and very curious) cat.

Reviews

[Sonja Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood is Lisa Manterfield’s heartfelt story of how she came to terms with childlessness.

The appropriately named book will resonate with any woman who has desired to have children, but due to infertility or other circumstances, did not succeed. Quite frankly, it is a good read for anyone who has ever grappled with a deeply emotional issue. That’s all of us.

But be ready for boldness. This writer doesn’t do sugarcoating. Hip Hip Hooray to her for telling it like it is, especially when she didn’t want to write about the subject in the first place, and also for seeing this very important story through to a book.

Now I don’t know Lisa, but as a fellow writer and woman who doesn’t have children, I feel as if I do. No wonder her story resonates with me, but it was her hook, her honest admission of imagining her husband dead, so she could adopt—not really, you have to read it for yourself—that hit home.

Moments! Precious moments feature big in Lisa’s title and are so well crafted that you feel as if you are there. “The weight of my loss pressed against my chest and for a moment I stopped breathing and my whole body was still.”

I'd certainly recommended spending some moments with this book.

I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a bad read though I felt it took almost half the book to get to the point where the writer even begun questioning her fertility and it was only in the last quarter (or less) that she reached the point of saying no to motherhood. I would have liked to see the first part edited back and more detail on the aftermath of her decision.

[Jacy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Lisa Manterfield didn't so much "say no to motherhood" as she threw a tantrum and deemed herself too good for it once she realized it wasnt going to happen. It was a "You can't fire me because I quit" style situation. She's self absorbed and selfish.Definitely not worth reading. The narrator is so irritatingly selfish and self-absorbed it's hard to feel any sympathy for her. I kept waiting for the turning point where she would grow the fuck up and become likeable and it just never happened. Her lack of self (or other people for that matter) awareness is mind boggling. Her ability to absolve herself of all blame and personal responsibility while simultaneously deeming herself the most fit judge for all and sundry is unparalleled. She doesn't "say no to motherhood" as much as she figures out she can't have it and being too narcissistic for that outcome to be acceptable she deigns herself to good for motherhood, as everyone else who achieves it is simply below her. People who get IVF? Well, they're just pumping themselves full of *gasp* much, MUCH to good for that. People who have unexpected pregnancies such as her husbands married daughter? Undeserving.

Basically, if you like to read about people whining and bitching and pretending this book is for you.


If you're infertile and looking for a "real" book, definitely pass on this one. This woman is told repeatedly her only option is IVF and she doesnt want to do that. The end.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Few infertility memoirs on the market these days feature the childfree ending, but the chidlfree-and-not-by-choice community is one that is slowly growing and one to which I recently joined the ranks. Lisa's story, humorously told, was one which resonated with both myself and my husband. The long time desire for a child, finding one's partner somewhat late in life, the ensuing struggle to have a child while keeping one's sanity and marriage together; and finally coming to the slow realization that infertility is not a problem with a simple resolution. I would have liked to hear more about life after the decision to live child-free; how the author came to terms with that and any suggestions she might have for a newbie like me. However, she does have an online community and a blog which I've found to be a great resource.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has changed my life. I felt like it was written straight from my heart. This is a difficult topic that's not too often discussed. The author takes you on her journey of infertility. She is humorous and shares her thoughts very honestly- it's not boring at all! If someone you know struggles with infertitily and living a childless life, buy them & yourself a copy. It will help you better understand what they're going through.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a really excellently written, intelligent and heart-felt book. It was so good I couldn't put it down -- I stayed up late and finished it in one day.

We haven't yet traveled as far down the IF path as the author (we're going to start testing in the next couple months), but all of the content leading up to the author's IF testing rang true and familiar to me (I'm pretty sure I recognized the website she talks about joining, having used it myself for a year and a half), and I found myself welcoming this wonderful lady into my heart as she lets us into hers.

It was also refreshing and validating to discover there are women like myself out there -- women who are opposed to the drugs of IVF. I've never responded well to artificial hormones (ie all the many types of hormonal BC I've tried have made me a crazy-woman or made me very ill), and ever since I started thinking about what we would do if we had trouble conceiving naturally, I've been resistant to the idea of IVF and putting myself through all of that. It was good to see that I'm not alone in having reservations about this type of medical treatment.

For my own well-being, I've been working on embracing a future without children in it, because I know how uncertain the IF and adoption/fostering journeys are. Reading this book was, again, refreshing and validating. It was also helpful and informative -- I've been dreading the pain and intrusiveness of IF testing, and reading about Lisa's experiences was informative and helped me prepare myself for what is to come. It also reaffirms my desire to always put my relationship with my husband first, to not lose touch with each other through this difficult journey, and waste years of our precious time on this Earth together.

I think I'll suggest that my husband read this too. Although he doesn't talk about it much, I know it's been hard on him too.

The cherry on top, is the website/support group the author has started and tells us about at the very end of the book.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

There were moments when I wasn't sure how I felt about this book. Not because it wasn't goo, but because her story is so different from my own. In the end I'm very glad I read it. It gives me hope that I will be okay if my dream of having kids doesn't come true.

[andreea molocea · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good story if you need it

I am looking for stories that can help, inspire, make me feel “normal”. This book, her story, did that to me.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spend some time in Lisa's world and receive, what feels like, an uncensored peek at one woman's thought process through her infertility. Even though this is not a subject I truly understand, or have experienced in a visceral way, Lisa takes those utterly human and universal moments.... where we have thoughts... you know the ones... that might be unsightly... so complex in their nature as to seduce and repel others and even ourselves, and courageously shares them with you.

This is not an easy thing to do. I read some criticisms of the book and had a think on it. My thought is if you experience the narrator of the story as 'selfish' I would say that I know what it is like to be in a life, drowning by an expectation you had, your vision of yourself and your future demolished, and wondering what the hell? If we were all to share, as Lisa does, the ins and outs, and all arounds, of the sometimes unattractive thoughts we all have... and/or acknowledge that at the core of ourselves, we are all reduced to survival when the chips are down, we might come to the conclusion that surviving means reducing ones focus to ones self.

Even our body shuts down unnecessary functions when in crisis. We become concentrated wholly on self in those moments. So this is a woman in crisis. She dares to go after what she wants with conviction and humanity and realism.

So no matter whether you relate to the content of the story or you relate to the emotion, there is something here for you. Without spoiling, my favorite bits are... those bits on grief and grieving and the very necessary, blessed, and profound ritual of it, near the end of the story.

#disclaimer
Lisa is a friend. In fact, many years ago I was gifted with my name in her acknowledgements for having been an early reader and fan of her as an artist. But I sit reading this book again, the version of the book that put to bed an important idea, a difficult and life changing process, and a memoir for Lisa. Such a pleasure to revisit my old friend at a time in her life that has passed, but also represents a time period when we met. So no, I'm not objective. But it's been over 10 years since I read the book the first time, and I still believe it is a solid and enduring addition to the childless-not-by-choice community.

Also, if you haven't read Lisa's fiction, trot on over. It's divine.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. This was a difficult book to read, having struggled with infertility myself and been blessed with one miraculous little boy and suffering 4 miscarriages before needing a hysterectomy. Lisa Manterfield's journey through a myriad of doctors and the repeated fundamental stages of grief over a six year period is rendered thoughtfully and powerfully through her memoir. I could feel her desperation and heartbreak, and at the end, her begrudging acceptance. The one thing I didn't like reading about, however, was her disdain for and near automatic rejection of IVF treatments as unnatural. I understand having personal limits for what infertility causes people to go through, but I felt like she was somewhat disrespectful in her views of that option of conception, which soured me a bit on her personality while reading the rest of the book. Regardless, this book is well-written and honest in its portrayal of the difficult and sometimes taboo subject of what it is like being a woman who can't have a baby when everyone around her seems to get pregnant without so much trouble. I admire her courage in writing it, and admire her final decision to just move on and enjoy the life she has, while mourning the life she wanted so badly for so long. Recommended for women who have struggled with infertility or those who want to understand the pain in its diagnosis.

[Cait Sherwood · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was well-told and an enjoyable read, and I am grateful for infertility stories that do not result in a miracle baby. Miracle baby stories are over represented because people love to tell and hear those stories. Accounts of people resolving their infertility by choosing to remain childfree are necessary.

Lisa is very honest about some of the uglier feelings brought out by her infertility and it could be uncomfortable to read at times. But having gone through it myself and having attended support groups, I know these feelings are natural and common.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lisa writes a very honest account of her own story of infertility and the subsequent decision to live without children. She writes with compassion, humour and insight, and I hope gives other women hope that life continues to be full with or without children.

[Shannon Baas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a good book. It takes Lisa and Jose through what they go through trying to have a child, including surgery, thinking about IVF, the frustrations they go through, and what they finally decide on. I would recommend this to anyone.

[Anni · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! Very seldom do you find a book that is full of "real" thoughts and feelings from the author. So many women struggle with infertility and this was an honest approach to one couple's story. What a great read.

[Rebekah Mabalot · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great!

I felt like the author was speaking from my very own life experiences most of the time. It seems that women in my situation are often only told the success stories. But I often wonder what happens to those that this never happens to? Very good read.

[Claire · Rating 3 out of 5]

an open and honest journey with infertility

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

For anyone going through fertility issues or that has a family member/friend going through them - you should read this book.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting look at how dreams whole and change.

[Brittnee · Rating 3 out of 5]

This isn't a poorly written book, but I just can't relate to this baby madness.