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Resources for Reconciliation
Living without Enemies: Being Present in the Midst of Violence
With senseless violence occurring throughout society, people are suffering and communities are groaning. Fear and not knowing where to begin hold many back from doing anything at all. But is "doing something" really what is most needed? Marcia Owen and Samuel Wells come together to tell the story of a community's journey through four different dimensions of social engagement. After attempts to seek legislative solutions led nowhere, a religious coalition began holding prayer vigils for local victims of gun violence. It was then that Owen discovered the beauty of simply being present. Through her friendships with both victims and offenders, Owen learned that being with was precisely the opposite of violence--it was love. And to truly love others as God loves us meant living without enemies and taking small steps toward reconciliation. Owen and Wells offer deep insights into what it takes to overcome powerlessness, transcend fear and engage in radical acceptance in our dangerous world. Your view of ministry will be altered by this poignant tale of coming face-to-face with our God who loves boundlessly and has no enemies.
144 pages, Paperback
First published May 31, 2011
4 people are currently reading
149 people want to read
About the author
Samuel Wells
137 books48 followersSamuel Wells (PhD, University of Durham) is vicar of St. Martin-in-the-Fields Anglican Church at Trafalgar Square in London. He previously served as dean of the chapel and research professor of Christian ethics at Duke University. Wells is the author of several books, including Be Not Afraid, Improvisation: The Drama of Christian Ethics, and Transforming Fate into Destiny: The Theological Ethics of Stanley Hauerwas. He also coedited, with Stanley Hauerwas, The Blackwell Companion to Christian Ethics.
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
December 10, 2021
I have genuinely no recollection of purchasing this book (my guess is that I found it cheap at a thrift store and figured why not) and didn't have any sense of what it was about beyond the relatively vague title when I began. I was intrigued to learn that it was focused on a vigil ministry in Durham that went about working with families of victims of gun violence to organize commemorations of their loved one's life, typically at the site of their death. I'd never heard of a ministry dedicated to that, and as I read on found the book to be an immensely rich resource for what it means to care for people in the midst of violence, suffering, and grief.
The first chapter, which breaks down 4 modes of ministry as working for, working with, being with, and being for, was a bit clumsy for me. The book was written in 2011, and even just a decade later, I wonder if some of their assumptions around "with" may be found problematic or at least contentious. But it provides a helpful foundation for the rest of the book, which elaborates on pillars of the aforementioned "being with" ministry of vigils that Marcia Owen is involved in. These three chapters, Silence, Touch, and Words, are just terrific, to the point where I was taken off-guard by how much I appreciated them. It's not necessarily that any of the ideas felt groundbreaking or brand new, but it was powerful to see them contextualized within the concrete ministry they described and helped me to grasp some of the concepts more fully. The chapter on silence in particular stands out, elaborating on how it functions as a form of solidarity, listening, and prayer.
I happened to start the book the evening after I was offered an upcoming hospital chaplaincy internship opportunity, and I was struck by how deeply relevant the content here feels. There are obvious overlaps between the ministry of chaplaincy and vigils described here, both operating primarily in the "being with" capacity. I feel like it has the potential to be a valuable, grounding resource in the future for conceptualizing the challenges and gifts of the work ahead of me.
The first chapter, which breaks down 4 modes of ministry as working for, working with, being with, and being for, was a bit clumsy for me. The book was written in 2011, and even just a decade later, I wonder if some of their assumptions around "with" may be found problematic or at least contentious. But it provides a helpful foundation for the rest of the book, which elaborates on pillars of the aforementioned "being with" ministry of vigils that Marcia Owen is involved in. These three chapters, Silence, Touch, and Words, are just terrific, to the point where I was taken off-guard by how much I appreciated them. It's not necessarily that any of the ideas felt groundbreaking or brand new, but it was powerful to see them contextualized within the concrete ministry they described and helped me to grasp some of the concepts more fully. The chapter on silence in particular stands out, elaborating on how it functions as a form of solidarity, listening, and prayer.
I happened to start the book the evening after I was offered an upcoming hospital chaplaincy internship opportunity, and I was struck by how deeply relevant the content here feels. There are obvious overlaps between the ministry of chaplaincy and vigils described here, both operating primarily in the "being with" capacity. I feel like it has the potential to be a valuable, grounding resource in the future for conceptualizing the challenges and gifts of the work ahead of me.
September 9, 2012
This review was originally written for the Englewood Review of Books -
http://erb.kingdomnow.org/featured-li...
A review of
Living Without Enemies:
Being Present in the Midst of Violence.
by Sam Wells and Marcia Owen.
Review by Seth Forwood.
Despite your thoughts on gun control or Christian pacifism, when you read, “…there were strikingly visible bloodstains remaining on the driveway beneath our feet, and those stains made visible the wounding of an entire neighborhood,” a sense of the weight and importance of work like Marcia Owens’ should settle heavy in your heart .
Living Without Enemies is the latest volume in the Resources for Reconciliation Series from Duke Divinity School and InterVarsity Press. Each book in the series connects an author from the academy with a person involved in the grassroots practice of reconciliation. This volume details Marcia Owen’s work with the Religious Coalition for a Nonviolent Durham (RCND) and is co-written by Samuel Wells, dean of the Duke University Chapel and research professor of Christian ethics at Duke Divinity School.
The story of Marcia Owen is framed by Samuel Wells’s theological narration of the broader themes, symbols and stories. In the first chapter, titled “Nazareth,” he draws out four methods of addressing the needs of the disadvantaged: working for, working with, being for and being with. With a generous hand he weighs the limitations and benefits of each mode. He acknowledges that some may begin engaging through the more limited being for mode by studying, thinking, discussing and generally posturing one’s life around the issue at hand, but having very little direct engagement with those on the ground level. Or some might begin with the working for model which desires to effect change them through outside intervention, advocating or political maneuvering.
While Wells presents these in as much of a favorable light as possible, he does not soften the need to move into the deeper personal investment or mask that some may avoid personal contact with the disadvantaged and assuage their conscience through these means. Gently, Wells challenges us to consider the more respectful working with mode which recognizes the empowered person in need as one who ultimately has the best resources for addressing the faults of their community. The final way of approaching issues of oppression and disadvantage is being with which frustrates our desire to make things change, but builds a unique and crucial trust as we rest in simply sitting with the suffering like Job’s comforters when they sat in the ashes and “no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.”
Wells is not content to rest his laurels on an efficient quadrant model describing charity work that would fall in line with Steven Covey’s “7 Habits” Series or Jim Collins’ Good to Great, but anchors it firmly in God’s story through the life of Christ. Not only are his descriptions wise, practical and accessible, he takes each method of engagement and roots it in the life of Jesus of Nazareth. It is a common experience in Christian publishing to have books that present clear, wise counsel with a bit of prooftexting to legitimate it to a Christian audience. The assumption is that if the author makes common sense, Christians will take what is obviously good advice. Sure, Wells’ models of engagement could “make sense” to some degree outside of the biblical narrative, but for the unique people God is making the Church, the same ones he calls to such common sense as “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you,” making sense is a matter of if it is at all appropriate to describe the person God called Truth with our language. It is in this task that Wells is careful and compelling as he weaves the logic of his four modes of engagement from the fabric that is the life and person of Christ with some supportive theological flourishes from Irenaeus and Augustine.
With the theological reasoning rooted in place, the text loosens to allow both a more subjective and practical voice. The chapters entitled “Silence,” “Touch” and “Words” cover a lot of ground: solidarity, patience, grief, lament. After describing how Marcia herself progressed through the four modes of engagement in response to gun violence in Durham, this section of the book is largely reflective and almost meditative in its tone as it relies heavily on Marcia’s quoted thoughts, feelings, actions and sayings. That is not to say there is a lack of practical knowledge throughout Marcia’s time with grieving families. Rather, it provides a helpful guide for those who want to get a vision for the gritty aspects of actually beginning such a ministry as the one RCND has been doing for years.
The final chapter, “Kingdom,” gathers everything before it into a single profound narrative, “a story of many harmonies and many agonies.” Through the story of Tony, the focus moves from the work of vigils to the re-entry program and the themes transform from lament and solidarity to reconciliation and resurrection. I don’t think it is too far off to describe it as apocalyptic how the culmination of the themes present themselves in the final chapter. Marcia becomes very close friends with a re-entry team member, Tony, who is then slain. Suddenly, everything is reversed. The comforter is broken with grief, the strong becomes weak, the fruition of Marcia’s work comes about through her participation in receiving instead of leading.
Tony’s funeral, continues to show the tumultuous Kingdom breaking into the world as a rich panoply of people, a prostitute, a former prisoner and “a man of enormous stature in Durham’s culture of violence” testify to grace, fidelity and breaking the cycle of violence and retribution. Class, status and background are blended at Tony’s funeral at Duke Chapel. The authors summarized it better than I could,
This is fittingly called resurrection because it takes not just the power of sin and death but also the effects of sin and death in the poisoning of relationships and communities and in the withering of the social imagination, and transforms them in to means of grace and forms of abundant life…It wasn’t happy, but it was beautiful.
Though Marcia’s life is a compelling testament and the authors provide some disturbing statistics on gun violence in the United States, there is never an argument for nonviolence or the type of pacifism represented in the title, that God has no enemies and that, as children of God, we must avoid seeing anyone as our enemy. This might be too much of an assumption without much backing for some readers. But for those looking for arguments for nonviolence and pacifism, there are many other books solely dedicated to that topic, John Howard Yoder’s The Politics of Jesus or Stanley Hauerwas’s Performing the Faith: Bonhoeffer and the Practice of Nonviolence to name two. Living Without Enemies seems to be directed to those who do not question nonviolence as a part of the Christian life and want to learn better ways to live that out.
I would recommend Living Without Enemies for the first and last chapters in themselves. Sam Wells’s broadly applicable and theologically coherent writing in the first chapter is a gift to the Church for expanding our imaginations while also clarifying the focus for already socially engaged congregations. The final chapter is also an inspirational piece of interpreting the world with the re-orienting gospel of Christ in one multi-faceted event of grief, reconciliation and transformation. For those interested in starting a vigil ministry, this book has even more value throughout the middle chapters which provide much in the way of pastoral care advice and tangible suggestions for practise. Taken as a whole, both parts compliment each other making it a solid addition in what the series sets out to provide, “a fresh and distinctive vision for reconciliation as God’s mission and a journey toward God’s new creation in Christ.”
http://erb.kingdomnow.org/featured-li...
A review of
Living Without Enemies:
Being Present in the Midst of Violence.
by Sam Wells and Marcia Owen.
Review by Seth Forwood.
Despite your thoughts on gun control or Christian pacifism, when you read, “…there were strikingly visible bloodstains remaining on the driveway beneath our feet, and those stains made visible the wounding of an entire neighborhood,” a sense of the weight and importance of work like Marcia Owens’ should settle heavy in your heart .
Living Without Enemies is the latest volume in the Resources for Reconciliation Series from Duke Divinity School and InterVarsity Press. Each book in the series connects an author from the academy with a person involved in the grassroots practice of reconciliation. This volume details Marcia Owen’s work with the Religious Coalition for a Nonviolent Durham (RCND) and is co-written by Samuel Wells, dean of the Duke University Chapel and research professor of Christian ethics at Duke Divinity School.
The story of Marcia Owen is framed by Samuel Wells’s theological narration of the broader themes, symbols and stories. In the first chapter, titled “Nazareth,” he draws out four methods of addressing the needs of the disadvantaged: working for, working with, being for and being with. With a generous hand he weighs the limitations and benefits of each mode. He acknowledges that some may begin engaging through the more limited being for mode by studying, thinking, discussing and generally posturing one’s life around the issue at hand, but having very little direct engagement with those on the ground level. Or some might begin with the working for model which desires to effect change them through outside intervention, advocating or political maneuvering.
While Wells presents these in as much of a favorable light as possible, he does not soften the need to move into the deeper personal investment or mask that some may avoid personal contact with the disadvantaged and assuage their conscience through these means. Gently, Wells challenges us to consider the more respectful working with mode which recognizes the empowered person in need as one who ultimately has the best resources for addressing the faults of their community. The final way of approaching issues of oppression and disadvantage is being with which frustrates our desire to make things change, but builds a unique and crucial trust as we rest in simply sitting with the suffering like Job’s comforters when they sat in the ashes and “no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.”
Wells is not content to rest his laurels on an efficient quadrant model describing charity work that would fall in line with Steven Covey’s “7 Habits” Series or Jim Collins’ Good to Great, but anchors it firmly in God’s story through the life of Christ. Not only are his descriptions wise, practical and accessible, he takes each method of engagement and roots it in the life of Jesus of Nazareth. It is a common experience in Christian publishing to have books that present clear, wise counsel with a bit of prooftexting to legitimate it to a Christian audience. The assumption is that if the author makes common sense, Christians will take what is obviously good advice. Sure, Wells’ models of engagement could “make sense” to some degree outside of the biblical narrative, but for the unique people God is making the Church, the same ones he calls to such common sense as “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you,” making sense is a matter of if it is at all appropriate to describe the person God called Truth with our language. It is in this task that Wells is careful and compelling as he weaves the logic of his four modes of engagement from the fabric that is the life and person of Christ with some supportive theological flourishes from Irenaeus and Augustine.
With the theological reasoning rooted in place, the text loosens to allow both a more subjective and practical voice. The chapters entitled “Silence,” “Touch” and “Words” cover a lot of ground: solidarity, patience, grief, lament. After describing how Marcia herself progressed through the four modes of engagement in response to gun violence in Durham, this section of the book is largely reflective and almost meditative in its tone as it relies heavily on Marcia’s quoted thoughts, feelings, actions and sayings. That is not to say there is a lack of practical knowledge throughout Marcia’s time with grieving families. Rather, it provides a helpful guide for those who want to get a vision for the gritty aspects of actually beginning such a ministry as the one RCND has been doing for years.
The final chapter, “Kingdom,” gathers everything before it into a single profound narrative, “a story of many harmonies and many agonies.” Through the story of Tony, the focus moves from the work of vigils to the re-entry program and the themes transform from lament and solidarity to reconciliation and resurrection. I don’t think it is too far off to describe it as apocalyptic how the culmination of the themes present themselves in the final chapter. Marcia becomes very close friends with a re-entry team member, Tony, who is then slain. Suddenly, everything is reversed. The comforter is broken with grief, the strong becomes weak, the fruition of Marcia’s work comes about through her participation in receiving instead of leading.
Tony’s funeral, continues to show the tumultuous Kingdom breaking into the world as a rich panoply of people, a prostitute, a former prisoner and “a man of enormous stature in Durham’s culture of violence” testify to grace, fidelity and breaking the cycle of violence and retribution. Class, status and background are blended at Tony’s funeral at Duke Chapel. The authors summarized it better than I could,
This is fittingly called resurrection because it takes not just the power of sin and death but also the effects of sin and death in the poisoning of relationships and communities and in the withering of the social imagination, and transforms them in to means of grace and forms of abundant life…It wasn’t happy, but it was beautiful.
Though Marcia’s life is a compelling testament and the authors provide some disturbing statistics on gun violence in the United States, there is never an argument for nonviolence or the type of pacifism represented in the title, that God has no enemies and that, as children of God, we must avoid seeing anyone as our enemy. This might be too much of an assumption without much backing for some readers. But for those looking for arguments for nonviolence and pacifism, there are many other books solely dedicated to that topic, John Howard Yoder’s The Politics of Jesus or Stanley Hauerwas’s Performing the Faith: Bonhoeffer and the Practice of Nonviolence to name two. Living Without Enemies seems to be directed to those who do not question nonviolence as a part of the Christian life and want to learn better ways to live that out.
I would recommend Living Without Enemies for the first and last chapters in themselves. Sam Wells’s broadly applicable and theologically coherent writing in the first chapter is a gift to the Church for expanding our imaginations while also clarifying the focus for already socially engaged congregations. The final chapter is also an inspirational piece of interpreting the world with the re-orienting gospel of Christ in one multi-faceted event of grief, reconciliation and transformation. For those interested in starting a vigil ministry, this book has even more value throughout the middle chapters which provide much in the way of pastoral care advice and tangible suggestions for practise. Taken as a whole, both parts compliment each other making it a solid addition in what the series sets out to provide, “a fresh and distinctive vision for reconciliation as God’s mission and a journey toward God’s new creation in Christ.”
July 10, 2023
such a tender, gut wrenching book
rarely do i find a book that bridges social justice with the importance of human relationships in this way. the book proposes some radical ideas about reconciliation, prayer, and charity that will surely dislodge many white-centric savior complexes. and yet the writing is tender enough to pastorally reach into the sin of savior complexes and avert the reader’s heart from feeling/inflicting shame on people who go about reconciliation “incorrectly”.
whether you are someone who has sinned in every possible way or you are a pious person who seeks to do good by isolating from brokenness, this book is for you. you will find abundant, jarring reminders that God is more concerned about being with you than you could ever imagine.
the language of this book is accessible and easy to understand, even as its arguments possess heavy, complex truths. its a short read but i would recommend you to make it a slow read. its one of those books that have a lot to marinate in.
tw: gun violence, criminal justice system
rarely do i find a book that bridges social justice with the importance of human relationships in this way. the book proposes some radical ideas about reconciliation, prayer, and charity that will surely dislodge many white-centric savior complexes. and yet the writing is tender enough to pastorally reach into the sin of savior complexes and avert the reader’s heart from feeling/inflicting shame on people who go about reconciliation “incorrectly”.
whether you are someone who has sinned in every possible way or you are a pious person who seeks to do good by isolating from brokenness, this book is for you. you will find abundant, jarring reminders that God is more concerned about being with you than you could ever imagine.
the language of this book is accessible and easy to understand, even as its arguments possess heavy, complex truths. its a short read but i would recommend you to make it a slow read. its one of those books that have a lot to marinate in.
tw: gun violence, criminal justice system
March 26, 2019
A theological and ethical reflection on the story of the Religious Coalition for a Nonviolent Durham, which was founded to respond to gun violence in the city. The authors give four models of engagement with those who suffer, and, ultimately, connect these models with how God engages with us. A moving, challenging story that seems especially relevant as so many communities in our cities and towns are incredibly vulnerable, whether from gun violence or opioids.
August 10, 2025
This is a really great book describing the work of The Religious Coalition for a Nonviolent Durham. It described how one of the authors learned how to open her heart to victims of gun violence. She also described how we can learn not to judge others or make assumptions on behalf of others, no matter how good our intentions. I learned a lot by reading this book and I hope to be able to put a lot of it into action.
May 19, 2025
So thoughtful! added much to my growing interest in embodied living and practicing presence. Wells and Owen beautifully express how “being with” someone is an offering of all of ourselves. The image of the vigil mass struck me as it incapsulated how to hold peace amidst injustice and grief. Definitely a short and powerful read!
July 24, 2021
"Know nothing, show up, expect healing" (84).
March 12, 2023
Profound book by Rev. Sam Wells on gun violence and reconciliation!
September 10, 2023
small but mighty; beautiful reminders
January 8, 2025
i’m adding this to goodreads (it was a school book) to meet my goal lol
March 19, 2012
This book is part of a partnership series between IVP and Duke Center for Reconciliation at Duke Divinity School. It's purpose is to offer a fresh and distinctive vision for reconciliation as God's mission and a journey toward God's new creation in Christ. It is a very academic volume on the serious subject of violence, especially gun violence in Durham, NC where Duke is located. Samuel Wells and Marcia Owen combine their experiences and reflections to form the book.
There are 6 main chapters with 3 or 4 subdivisions followed by ten gleanings or principles, a study guide and notes. If this sounds very dry and serious, it is not meant to encourage you to head toward inner city violence without planning and knowledge, in addition to a heart for work among their inner city.
Four models of engagement are set out with the example of being in a parking lot when you see a person leaving the store struggling with a huge pile of shopping bags. At first glance you can't figure out what this has to do with violence. Below are the 4 options presented and examined throughout the book. They follow sub examples of every approach historically and internationally.
Option 1- Is offering to carry the bags, called “working for”
2- Is saying I see that you have lots of bags to carry, let me help you on a shared project,
called “working with”
3- Is saying that looks like heavy work, can I walk with you while you carry the bag, called
“being with”
4- Is to say I'm really concerned and passionate in behalf of brothers and sisters with heavy
loads, this is the shy person and “ Being for”
You might say what does this analysis have to do with violence. It is not a simple or easy route that they choose to explore “being with” as the ideal, as it is precisely the opposite of violence and living without enemies.
One key element of the coalition ministry is the prayer vigil. The vigil ministry changed Marcia's understanding of prayer. One particularly meaning statement in the book to me was, “God never withdraws from us in fear, revulsion, or horror, he is there to being with us always”. All works in ministry in the wake of gun violence emerge from a relationship based on “Being with” or present in silence and overcoming fear of people through touch. I found the book to be moving in a theoretical way that some other books do no reach but it would be better as a study book than a motivational title.
April 2, 2012
This book has opened my eyes and ears to the reports of nightly gun violence in my city. Marcia A Owens, one of the co-authors was in a similar situation in Durham. For both of us, the deaths occur in a different part of the city. Unlike me, she sought to do something about this, realizing that they were her neighbors and that this occurred in her city. At first, she sought to work for those affected, by legislating against gun violence. But gradually, she starting working with people in these neighborhoods, and then most critically, being with the families of victims of gun violence in vigils of prayer. Over time, God opened her eyes to the perpetrators as those who also were loved of God and the judgments she had made. Then, one day, a former inmate who was involved in the ministry she had begun, the Religious Coalition for a Nonviolent Durham, was shot and killed. And she experienced what it was like for the community to be with her, and to discover personally the power of this presence, in which God was present, in the face of senseless tragedy.
This book reminded me of an experience last year, when I sat on a jury for a murder trial not unlike the gun violence in Durham. We never rendered a verdict because it was settled before the trial was completed. But I learned something of the story of the victim, an innocent bystander. And I also learned something of the story of the alleged perpetrator. The tragedy of two young lives--one ended, one certainly marked by this death (he "plead out" and was sentenced to several years in prison). This book makes me wonder whether a similar ministry is working in my city--and what it could mean if believers throughout our city stood up and stood with the families touched by gun violence.
This book reminded me of an experience last year, when I sat on a jury for a murder trial not unlike the gun violence in Durham. We never rendered a verdict because it was settled before the trial was completed. But I learned something of the story of the victim, an innocent bystander. And I also learned something of the story of the alleged perpetrator. The tragedy of two young lives--one ended, one certainly marked by this death (he "plead out" and was sentenced to several years in prison). This book makes me wonder whether a similar ministry is working in my city--and what it could mean if believers throughout our city stood up and stood with the families touched by gun violence.
August 9, 2015
Great theology around the mission ministry of "being with"
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews