Birth Order Blues: How Parents Can Help their Children Meet the Challenges of their Birth Order

by Meri Wallace

Birth order has a powerful effect on children's emotional development, on their self-esteem, and on their sense of well-being. The youngest child, the firstborn, the middleborn, twins, and the only child all have specific birth order issues that, if not atted to early on, can impair their functioning and their interpersonal relations at home and at school, and can follow them into adulthood. Parental birth order, too, plays an important role, as do such other factors as gender and family size. To understand these birth order blues, the author, an expert in parent-child relationships, first raises parents' awareness of the impact of birth order upon children. She then shows how to identify their children's birth order problems, often disguised by behaviors such as underachievement or aggression, and suggests how they can resolve these issues and prevent negative behavioral patterns from developing.

Genres: Parenting

222 pages, Paperback

First published May 18, 1999

About the author

LCSW

Reviews

[Allyson · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I picked this book up I thought it was pretty cool that the shoes in the cover art actually reflect my own children, boy, boy, girl. It felt like a good omen as I had picked it up hoping to get some insight into how I can help my second son, the middle child. It was helpful, even though I feel like some of what Wallace says in most cases is pretty obvious. But she has some really nice observations and insights that I found helpful.

One thing I did not like - and I'm not really sure what to call this - is her pronoun conventions. Some of the chapters follow a family with an older girl, middle boy child, and younger baby girl. I focussed mainly on this middle boy child, named Michael. The chapters started with stories about the kids, situations they were in, how they acted and why. Then at the end of the chapters came the advice, addressed to the reader. At that point, Wallace switches to generic pronouns, sometimes "he" and sometimes "she." I found it to be distracting and annoying, and I wish that she had stuck with the pronouns for the children in the stories, even if she didn't use names in the advice sections. But that is really a minor consideration.

Something Wallace does that I think is really great are the chapters about how parents' birth order can affect their feelings about their children. That part was truly fascinating, even if it wasn't entirely useful for my situation (as an only child I have no personal concept of birth order except what I observe in my kids), and I found myself thinking about my husband's birth order and how it might inform his parenting.

Another thing that I very much appreciate is Wallace does not make any guarantees in this book. She is very upfront about the fact that birth order does not dictate everything, certainly not personalities and how they mesh, and I think that is very smart of her. This objectivity makes it clear that this is a collection of useful information that may or may not be applicable to the reader. Overall, I recommend this book for parents with multiples, especially if like me, they grew up as only children themselves.

[Shaylee Eivins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know you think you should read these books for parenting, and you should, but also, read them for dating and for work relationships and understanding each other. These books are not just for parenting.

[Patricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't stop talking about this book!! It has really made me think about how I treat my older vs. younger child. Their birth order can strongly shape their personalities, and each birth order position has some pitfalls. This book talks about how parents can help children overcome their individual pitfalls, and also explains some of my kids' behavior that I didn't understand until I read this book. There's a chapter about oldest children, a chapter about youngest, middle, only, twins, etc. and a chapter about having children close in age vs. spread out, and how parents often relate most with their child that has the same birth order as them. I've read a lot of parenting books but this is the first one that will really make me change the way I parent. I tend to baby the baby (making her "youngest sibling" challenges worse) and expect too much of my oldest. (See how I talked about my younger one first? I'm getting better at this already!)

[Caroline · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wonderful beginners forray into the world of sibling rivalry with a focus on parental influence and,responsibility. I loved the organisation of the book by age within birth order and the practical suggestions for reducing, preventing and intervening in sibling rivalries.
I did however, find the authors' need to claim every insight pretty irritating as she barely credits Adler at all despite the very obvious and deeply rooted influence of his writings on the author's thinking and writings on birth order. Despite this annoyance, it was a worthwhile read, particularly as an introduction to the effects of birth order on children's development and experience of adulthood.

[Lindsay Godsey · Rating 2 out of 5]

The same parenting advice you often hear (communicate, listen, give room for independence, etc.) but its always good to hear it again, this time in the context of several of the common sibling rivalry situations and how to minimize them. One "aha" moment I had was actually realizing some adult traits in myself that were possibly due to my relationship with my sibling growing up.

One thing that really annoyed me was her constant changing around of who the older sibling was (he/she) so it became really difficult to remember whether she was talking about the older or younger sibling in each scenario.

[AM · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really interesting stuff. I could see a lot of insights/parallels to relationships in my family circles. (This explains a lot!) I will also be applying what I learned to my relationship with my older child and to the one on the way.

[Katie R. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another interesting look into 'birth order.' This novel had more insight on what to do rather than who you are in your birth order personality.

Having kids is some in the probable future, but for now, I'll use this information to understand my brothers better.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a valuable read for parents. It gives some insight into what may be going on behind the scenes with our kids as far as their feelings and resulting behavior.

[Malissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good suggestions. Repetitious. I skimmed half the book since there was little new/applicable information after that.

[LemontreeLime · Rating 3 out of 5]

Salright. But there wasn't a designated chapter on the position of youngest.