Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child's Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens

by Justin Richardson, Mark Schuster

If you’ve ever tried to tell your six-year-old how babies are made or your fourteen-year-old how condoms work, you know that grappling with telling your kids about sex can be a sweat-drenched exercise. But it doesn’t have to be. Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They’d Ask) is a one-of-a-kind survival guide that will help you stay sane through every stage of your child’s sexual development. After interviewing scores of parents and analyzing decades of scientific research, two nationally respected, Harvard-trained physicians share their expertise in this brilliantly insightful, practical, and hilarious book that has fast become the leading resource for parents of toddlers to teens. This indispensable guide covers all the bases,

• What to expect at each stage of your child’s development and how you can influence it from birth onward
• What to tell your kids at every age about sex and how to get the conversation going
• What to do when your five-year-old turns up naked with the girl next door, your toddler is rubbing on her teddy bear, or your six-year-old walks in on you having sex
• How to avoid unnecessary clashes with your middle-schooler while managing privacy, crushes, and what to wear
• How to encourage your teenager to use contraception without encouraging her to have sex, and how to help her choose the method that’s best for her

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Sexuality, Education, Health

448 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2003

Reviews

[Cyndy Aleo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hi. I'd like to introduce myself. I'm the parent of THAT child. You know, the child who goes into your child's preschool class and announces that not only is her mother going to have another baby, but that the baby is in her uterus, and that most babies come out their mommies' vaginas, but not our babies. They come out with an operation.

Please accept my abject apologies.

My five-year-old daughter Sissy, you see, wants to be an ob/gyn, at least right now. At a preschool art show, her bio let everyone know that she wanted to be "a doctor... the kind who takes babies out of mommies' tummies" when she grows up. She has an almost eerie fascination with the whole birth process, and has quizzed my obstetrician more than once on the model of the female reproductive system in the office.

As a result, I knew I needed some help for my daughter's premature fascination with how babies get here, and telling her it was a stork bringing our new baby wasn't about to cut it. I found a review of Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask) in a magazine and thought it sounded like just the ticket for giving me a leg up on this particularly frightening area of parenting.

::: Everything? Really? :::

Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex was written by Justin Richardson, MD (an assistant professor of clinical psychology at Columbia and Cornell Universities) and Mark A. Schuster, MD, PhD (an associate professor of pediatrics and public health at UCLA, as well as serving on boards of several adolescent health organizations). As you might guess from the subtitle, this book is supposed to help you with everything from the first time your little baby finds his or her naughty bits during a diaper change right up through high school, covering all the bases in between.

Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex consists of 12 chapters and two appendices, organized into sections about nature and nurture in children's sexual development, stages and facets of your child's sexual development, and risks. The appendices provide a refresher course for those of us who haven't had a high school health class in a while, with one discussing the various forms of contraception, and the other the signs, symptoms, and treatments of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

::: Still Get the Giggles? You're Supposed To :::

Drs. Richardson and Schuster have made Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex a dream come true for parents like me. Sure, it still covers the nitty gritty details, but it does so in most cases with a sense of humor. The authors take into account that not only are parents human, but they are also coming from a wide range of belief systems, cultures, and attitudes about sex. Richardson and Schuster keep an open mind about everything from abstinence to homosexuality, and encourage parents to do the same, as much as they are able.

Facts and studies are presented, but not in such an antiseptic way that you find yourself bored. Some of the studies and facts presented were surprising to me, and I consider myself a fairly open-minded and well-read parent. For instance, I was shocked to read that while the rate of sexual activity among adolescents is the same in the United States as in other industrialized countries, we have a much higher rate of teen pregnancy here.

My [ex-]husband and I realized long ago that I, for whatever reason, am more comfortable answering most of the awkward questions that little ones ask, from why mommies and daddies have pubic hair to where babies come from. However, Richardson and Schuster have provided suggestions for even the most reticent parents to broach topics that might be awkward for both parent and child alike, even giving examples of different ways to approach the topic based on your comfort level. Everything from contraception to abstinence to masturbation is covered.

Richardson and Schuster have really covered all the bases, talking to parents you might consider liberal, as well as those who might be considered to be very conservative. They take religious beliefs into consideration when discussing topics like abortion and contraception, and at no point does the reader get the feeling that they feel any one method of parenting is better than any other. The main point that they seem to want to drive home is that parents need to maintain an open and honest line of communication, accepting that no matter how hard we try to impose our beliefs on our children, they may not always adhere to those beliefs, and that the parent should always be available to answer questions and be supportive.

::: I'm Keeping It Near My Bed :::

While obviously I'm a few years away from having conversations with my daughter about whether or not she should have sex with her significant other, there are lessons for me to learn here. I remember how awkward anything relating to my sexual maturity was with my parents, and I was one of those kids who learned about tampons and sex from friends, not parents. It took me almost a year to screw up the courage to ask my mother to get me any form of feminine protection other than napkins and a belt, and to be honest, I don't even know where she FOUND those relics of the 1950s! I want my kids to get more from me than a book left on their bed, and to feel comfortable with asking me questions, because what better way do I have to communicate what I hope for them in this area of their lives?

I'm sure I'll be referring back to Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex time and time again over the next 18 years or so, and I've already assigned my husband the homework of reading it himself, because I know that there will be certain things that some of my kids may not want to discuss with me, and might turn to him on. I'm also going to recommend this book to ALL my friends with children, even if they aren't as curious as Sissy is quite yet. I wish my parents had this book when my sister and I were growing up.

This review previously published (in '05) on Epinions: http://www.epinions.com/review/Everyt...

[Mary Armbruster · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great, informational book with lots of parent examples and real life experiences. Highly recommend!

[JaNel · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was well-written and had some really good suggestions about what to actually SAY to kids when they ask or do something that you don't know how to respond to. It's great for me because I wanted a different perspective about sex from what I grew up with--a little more liberal, honest, and less-fraught with guilt and complexes. This book was great and funny too.

[Liesl Gibson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great, practical, well-researched book no matter what your beliefs or feelings about sex. I have referred to this book multiple times with regard to our daughter and plan to purchase a copy because I know I'll need it even more as she gets older. Highly recommended.

[Evie Hutchinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of those necessary reads. It's actually kind of hilarious.

[Alicia · Rating 4 out of 5]

So far, it's uncomfortable but informative. When my oldest son saw me reading it, he said, "Oh, great," his voice dripping with a sarcasm that made me proud. ha ha

[Adele Bonnie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is hilarious AND informative. A great read for parents with children of any ages.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

The five star rating for me doesn't mean amazing, but that I would definitely recommend this book. It is a good resource for parents. It's a bit dated at this point in reference to cultural norms and technology, but the basics about a child's sexual development are what is important. The book covers everything from the cut-and-dry (naming body parts, talking about the mechanics of sex, etc.) to the emotional/social aspects of sexuality. It provides good points to think about, as well as good dialogue in how to talk to a child about topics that are uncomfortable, even for parents that are very open. It asks questions that need to be considered. It's a little corny in some spots, but, overall, a worthy read.

[Misty Galbraith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent for teenagers and young adults. Helps parents speak with confidence about sexuality in all its varieties and fills in a lot of adult knowledge gaps.

[Daniela · Rating 4 out of 5]

tot ceea ce nu vrei sa stie copiii despre sex

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read the first few chapters of this and skimmed the rest. My oldest was turning eight, and I figured it was about time to introduce the topic in more concrete terms than we'd done previously. My whole philosophy regarding teaching my kids about sex has been to not make it feel shameful or embarrassing. I want my kids to understand that sex is sacred, and that it has an appropriate time and place, but I also want them to feel comfortable coming to me with questions, concerns, etc. and not feel like it has to be this big production of a one-time "talk" and then you never mention it again. This book kind of backed me up on this attitude (not on the sex-is-sacred part, but on the "chill out" part) and it had some clearly stated and rational explanations for how and why we as parents shouldn't be so freaked out about talking to our kids about sex. So that was good.
It was also helpful to read this book to see the world's perspective on how they explain what is immoral as being normal. I think it will help me to teach my kids why masturbation is wrong, and why sexual activity of any kind needs to wait until marriage, if I can understand the counter arguments they're likely to hear.
One thing I liked about this book was the frequent quotes from parents about their own experiences talking (or not talking) to their kids about sex. It really represented a whole range of approaches, and it kind of gave you confidence that there isn't a right and wrong to it, so just get in there and do the best you can. Plus, it was just really interesting.
The main thing I was actually hoping for with this book was a kind of script for explaining human reproductive biology in a way that would be complete enough, but not overwhelming for a second or third grader. It doesn't give you any of that. Instead, there's just a chapter about "you should have the talk" but not really about what you should SAY in the talk. They leave it a lot up to you. As it turns out, I did just fine without a script (because A) I remember what I learned in health class, and B) it's not that complicated) but I do think some suggestions along that line would have been helpful.
It seemed like a lot of this book is geared toward talking to older kids about sex, like with puberty, and when they start becoming (or thinking about becoming) sexually active, so if you're in that situation, this book would probably be helpful. And if you're not there yet, I think there's still some good information here to put on your radar for the future, so you're not caught unprepared.

[Jonathan Blake · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is the product of the authors' years of experience taking questions from otherwise capable parents who find themselves flummoxed by their child's sexuality. The title reflects the frequent doses of humor that help ease the sense of dread that sometimes accompanies thinking about S-E-X and K-I-D-S at the same time.

The authors did their best to help everyone, even people who will ignore parts of their advice. I'm thinking specifically about religious parents, those of us who feel duty-bound by our religious convictions to, for example, teach our children only abstinence despite the research that this generally leads to poorer outcomes. The authors provide the best advice they can. If parents choose to ignore that advice, the authors do their best to provide workable alternatives to the optimal strategy without laying on guilt trips about being a bad parent. They try hard to help everyone.

I learned a thing or two about childhood sexual development that helped me to accept my own awkward, faltering steps toward adult sexuality. It helped me lay aside some residual embarrassment and guilt. In that respect, I think it's fair to call this book life-changing for me.

Who knows? My children might even benefit from my having read it.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

FANTASTIC resource, FULL of information about every aspect of sexual development and more (I have taken many many classes on child development, psychology, anatomy, physiology, etc...and I learned so much from this book still)...but don't be tempted to just keep this on your shelves as a reference. It is worth the read from cover to cover, or you will miss out on some of the most wonderful unexpected insights into parenting, aging, health, development, and oh so much more. One example: The assertion that our battles with teenagers are not just due to the teens but to our own encounter with entering middle age. "No wonder parents fight with their teenagers. Just as your children discover the wonderful possibilities of life, you may be coming up against its limits...the collision of adolescence and middle age is the painful moment when the rubber hits the road - the moment in which you are asked to surrender some of your own hopes and place them now in your children." I highly recommend this as an essential read for all parents!

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

A useful reference book for parents of infants through teenagers. For those who are scared to use words like penis and vagina, for instance, it can help take the sting out of getting those conversations started. For those who aren't afraid to have a frank dialog about sex (or the age-appropriate equivalent) these two physicians still have plenty of valuable advice to offer. Filled with lots of real parents' stories, it often gives people a range of ways to approach a topic. The appendices contain a plethora of information about STDs and a variety of contraceptives. The authors acknowledge the varied viewpoints that different people approach these topics from, such as abstinence only. When the doctors do take a stand on an issue they back it up with empirical research. I think it's a useful book to have on hand. Hopefully they update the edition every decade or so.

[Meags · Rating 4 out of 5]

I only read the beginning chapters of this book, the part that pertains to children from birth to age 4. But from what I read, I can say that it gives a frank discussion of how to answer questions from small children, how much detail you can give (and what you can maybe skip), and right and wrong ways to approach different things you might "happen upon". I felt like the authors were aware that there are lots of ways parents can approach this topic and that they were respectful of all of them. I still don't know how I'll react if and when my child asks me where babies come from ("did she eat the baby? how did it get in her belly?"), but I feel like I have an idea of how I might go about explaining things in a developmentally appropriate way.

[Heather]

It has a lot of information, much we are not ready to deal with yet. Many things in the book seemed quite obvious to me...but some that weren't, so I'm still plugging away at it and will likely learn some things that I will eventuall tell/teach Ethan and Ellie.

Another book our family counselor suggested is a book called Belly Buttons are Navels. That one was a lot shorter, geared toward kids, but had way too many descriptions in there. I grew up not talking about that stuff, and I know I'll find it hard to discuss with the kids. I think I'll let Leo handle that subject -- especially with Ethan. :)

[Leahjoypro · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got this book from the library b/c I was struggling with how to respond to my 4-year-old who seemed to be talking a lot about, and fixating on, people's private parts. Unfortunately, in the section about children his age, the author only talked about kids acting out "sex play" by themselves or with others. But although it didn't help my current situation, I liked the overall tone of the book, which promotes speaking with children early and often about their sexuality and leaving the door open to discussion for them. It's another one of those books that I may have to purchase to have on hand as a reference for later!

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

The star I deducted is not really the authors' fault-- I just wish there were more data on this subject! The authors, to their credit, are very clear about what is scientifically/statistically supported versus what hasn't been (or can't be) studied. I appreciated their clarity and straightforwardness. There were definitely parts of the book that made me uncomfortable, but really, that's why I read it-- to figure out how to address my own discomfort and help my kids grow up feeling confident and secure. I can tell I will probably have to go back and reread sections when the time comes (as currently the little ones are still quite little), but I am so glad to have this book as a resource!

[Aka · Rating 5 out of 5]

At the age of 10, I plucked up a translated copy of this book from a shelf at a remote bookstore in Thailand, walked up to my father and demanded that he buy it for me for 'research and self-discovery purposes'. Needless to say, I glided through the sexual parts of my puberty like a graceful swan. Other parts, not so much.

It never occurred to me that I basically saved my parents from having to give me 'the talk'. Ah, such a blessedly difficult child I was.

[Aaron · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book very pro-sex. There is not a lot of information here for parents that want to promote abstinence until marriage. Basically, the authors say sex feels good, everybody does it all the time, and we should accept that as parents and be supportive of it. At least that is the message I gathered from the authors.

[Kimberly · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is long-winded with many things that seemed quite obvious to me...but some that weren't, so I'm still plugging away at it and will likely learn some things that I'm suppose to be telling/teaching my kids.

[Russell]

Got to the chapter on homosexuality and it sounded to me like they were recomending to try it. If they are gay, I'll love them, but won't encourage them to 'try' it. Read to me like the authors were explaining their own sexualit?

[Amy Dougherty · Rating 4 out of 5]

My kids and I have found this to be a good additional resource to several books we currently use. It raises other topics not presented in my other materials (STDs, social media, sexual orientation). It has been a good companion to our school's Growing & Changing unit.

[Robbie Bashore · Rating 4 out of 5]

I haven't read this cover to cover, but I have found it to be a useful reference when answering my very curious daughter's questions.

[Wan Peter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Indeed a good source of knowledge. Can be kept for the next generation.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny and informative.

[Andre · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent resource. I'm glad I bought it. It will stay on my shelves and I'll probably go back to it many times throughout the years as my kids get older.

[Abigail · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is actually much more positive than the title would suggest. Well-written, accurate and funny.

[Robynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Seriously, this book includes everything. It's not only incredibly informative it's also very funny. If you have kids this is a MUST read.

[waits4thebus · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great start to helping me build my toolbox for shame-free sex education in our home.