The Art of Growing Old: Aging with Grace

by Marie de Hennezel

A groundbreaking approach to aging from one of France's best- known clinical psychologists. How should we accept growing old? It's an inevitable progression and yet in Western society the very subject of aging is often taboo and shrouded in anxiety and shame. Not anymore, says Marie de Hennezel, an internationally renowned clinical psychologist and bestselling author. Now that our lives are longer and richer than ever before, it's imperative to demystify our greatest fear and cultivate a positive awareness of aging. In this timely and essential book, de Hennezel offers a fresh perspective on the art of growing old. She confronts head-on the inevitable grief we sustain at the loss of our youth and explains how refusing to age and move forward in life is actually what makes us become old. Combining personal anecdotes with psychological theory, philosophy, and eye-opening scientific research from around the world, she shows why we should look forward to embracing everything aging has to offer in terms of human and spiritual enrichment. The Art of Growing Old is a thought-provoking, brave, and uplifting meditation on the later years as they should be lived.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Health, Spirituality, Philosophy, Inspirational

192 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Marie Gaultier de la Ferrière dite Marie de Hennezel, est née le 5 août 1946 à Lyon, est une psychologue, psychothérapeute et auteur française. [http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marie_de...]

Marie de Hennezel may not be a household name in America, but in France she's a trailblazer. The therapist who helped the late French President Jacques Mitterand through the final stages of his cancer, she's been leading the crusade to help people grow old gracefully, with dignity, and with joy. De Hennezel, who believes that we become truly old when we refuse to age, is the author of many books, including the international bestseller Intimate Death. [Huffington Post]

Reviews

[Greta · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this book about ageing, in that it gave me some perspective on the "elderly" people I know as well as some insight as to what I might need to focus on as I grow older. The author approaches this uncomfortable subject with honesty and grace, showing us what makes the difference between becoming an old person and aging. Despite the sometimes painful, lonely, and depressing possibilities involved as we approach the end of our lives, there are ways of looking at things, of understanding our selves and our lives and the world around us that might make a difference between being happy at the end of it all, or not. Reading this book provided me with some ways of growing old better.

[Ade Bailey · Rating 3 out of 5]

The huge problems associated with an ageing population in the rich countries is upon us already. For everybody, the financial implications are enormous. Attitudes to the elderly are largely negative in a culture preoccupied by youth, maintainance of youth and health, and the pervasive beliefs that becoming old brings nothing but misery, almost a loss of humanity. Provision for the elderly (in the UK) is patchy. Some families do ensure excellent levels of care and dignity, many do not. "Homes" can be awful places.

Marie de Hennezel, psychotherapist and hospice worker, describes the negatives clearly and makes positive suggestions for changing things. The problems I have with her book are largely to do with the examples she chooses to offer of individuals who have gone on to live a happy and fulfilling old age. She is highly cultured, and her network of friends and acquaintances numbers high achieving philosophers and artists. She's aware that lifestyle - reducing calories, avoiding alcohol and tobacco etc - is important - while acknowledging the inevitable slowing down of the body and propensity to disease, but she seems less focused upon those many of us who have not the beneficial bulwarks of healthy lifestyle, cultural capital and adequate finances to negotiate the final stages of life satisfactorily.

She is perfectly right I think to emphasise the power of quite small things such as 'a smile', and more generally the responsibility of carers to listen, engage intimately, and have the utmost respect for the individual. This we can all do. It is to be welcomed that the book marks a contribution to the much-needed yet scarcely begun broader discussion about age which must have inevitable overlap with the political and broader cultural contexts. I fear, however, that without urgent attention to radical provision of money, including the costs of providing high quality education and training, and accommodation, there will be millions who will be well rusted long before they reach 60.

[Samantha Musick · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who has watched their grandfather’s mind let go with dementia and in general fears the potential isolation of old age, this book was an immense comfort.

Great quotes:
“When there is nothing left, really nothing left, there isn’t death and emptiness as one might fear, not at all. I swear to you there is nothing left but Love.”

“I know very well that I am not growing old and that on the contrary, I am growing, and it is this which makes me feel the approach of death. What proof of the soul’s existence! My body declines, my mind grows; in my old age, there is a blossoming.”

“When one is in contact with the Spirit inside oneself one never feels isolated or cut off.”

“Do not be afraid! Old age is like a coronation. I have reached the summit of my life, and I see the world and other people with infinite tenderness. I feel them in my heart. This affectionate contemplation gives me immense joy. For me, it is like champagne! Joy bursts forth in my heart!”

[Erwin Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marie De Hennezel's The Art of Growing Old is a fascinating book geared towards older individuals. Much of the author's descriptions address how people can age gracefully. She doesn't refrain from giving the good and bad experiences of growing older. It's a work that challenges the beliefs that old age is mostly depressing and unhappy. It aims to build a reader's confidence that there's also joy and the growth of wisdom with older folk. True, as people age their bodies become less strong, but many continue to have sharp minds. Some describe their senior lives as opening new experiences to enjoy their freedom more fully. Through this reality, there's time to embrace nature, friends, and the environment with a renewed appreciation. These gifts lead many of the older generation to fully embrace life and prepare for a happy death.

[Elizabeth Good · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a French best-seller about how to age well. It's quite philosophical in many ways, but has some interesting stories about particular elders and some very intriguing information about alternative retirement homes that exist in Europe and even in the United States. There is a strong emphasis on developing spiritual life (not religious; but positive outlook, keeping mentally engaged, connecting with people, becoming less attached to outcomes, etc) in order to have a fulfilling aging--and even dying experience. This makes sense to me. The book is a bit "airy" and ethereal for my taste, but I am nonetheless glad that I read it.

[Pauline Evans · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book I saw advertised in the Daily Mail and was captured by the title. As I am passed the half century mark I thought it would be good to read about how to embrace life at any age and how to stay happy and what it really means to grow old gracefully. Its a great message of happiness and wisdom for all ages and its a wonderful lesson that will inspire anyone who wants to age without becoming old . . . that's definitely me!!

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very French. An absolutely lovely approach to aging. Looking forward to reading her previous book, "Intimate Death".

[Justin · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am not reading any more of this.. it's too boring, life is too short

[Juliyana Junaidi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, I would say that I read this book to understand more about my mother. The book deserves to be at the ranking of top ten bestseller. It deals about a lot of matters on the old age. On how most people perceive old age, how you should perceive old age, the fear of getting old, the rights of old people who request for euthanasia, how carers should treat the old, keys to a happy old age and also knowing how to die. I folded so many pages and highlighted so many sentences in this book as a reminder for me as a carer and soon to be an old person. Who knows if I might want to read this book
again in another 35 years old perhaps?

There was an island in Japan called Okinawa and it has been named by the World Health Organisation as the ‘island of long life’. The oldest one is 115 years old and they live their life happily. It is due to the combinations of mild climate, dietary habits, exercise and having well-developed social life and good cultural state of mind.

The title of the book itself was actually taken from a song sung by the old people of Okinawa “The Warmth of the Heart Prevents your Body from Rusting”
There are some of the ideas from this book that I totally love. For instance, the author recalls the story of one of her friends. In one shopping mall in the US, there is a public spave where parents can leave their babies while they do their shopping. The young children are cared for by elderly volunteers, and assisted by a qualified paediatric nurse.
Overall, 4/5

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is much in this book to recommend it--good reminders about the importance of approaching aging in a different, more positive way. There are some very encouraging examples that the author uses. I would have liked to have seen the book organized differently--as it was it seemed to be 100 pages of a string of anecdotes with some important information weaved in between. This is a book I'd recommend to anyone who holds to negative attitudes about aging to encourage a more positive outlooks, as studies show that these attitudes can make a difference as to the quality of a person's life after 60.

[Lenore Kuipers-Cummins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a book I needed to read. Anyone that is grappling with growing older and the fear of dieing should put this on a list of books to read. It is very readable, and has a very large section of references/explanations on the footnotes.
It points out that as we age many things in our life become richer, and that we rely more on our inner self than the things that we own. We can transform ourselves through action, acceptance, and love.
A difficult book to describe, but well worth the reading. I wish I had found it sooner, as I am 68 now and could have used a lot of the author's insight in my own life.

[Daniel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd recommend reading the last chapter, "Knowing How to Die" and the conclusion. The remainder of the book, while sincere, is undirected, repetitive and platitudinous. The book would benefit from a significant rewrite.

Further, readers interested in han...[see the rest on my book review site.]

[Kate Wedgwood · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this book. It was very different in style from the many books on ageing and old age that I have read. Refreshingly so. My first book this year; a good start and helpful learning for my positive ageing!

[Cynthia · Rating 3 out of 5]

What will we face when we are no longer young: the pain, dependent to other people, loneliness. But how we spark joy in our heart with the process.. how to use the time now we have when we are old. And the last, how we learn to accept the death (for the family, what can we do to care for the elder until the end).

Nice book about being old. The book show me both dark side and good side the elder feel. Preparing my self for my parents later, and at a time make me wonder how will i face the old age when it come at last.

3 stars from me.. because it a little bit boring (but i am not non fiction reader actually)

[Lorraine · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting look at aging from a French psychotherapist. Not sure that I agree with some of the ideas about dementia, but overall good ideas for aging well. Excellent ideas about embracing aging, finding peace with our past and trusting in “the fecundity of time, and embracing solitude to find out true selves, whether a person is physically well or not.

[Clivemichael · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent observations from a French perspective. Inspiring and personable.

[Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thoughtful. Important. Pockets of beauty. So French.

[Deborah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very philosophical. Parts were boring. Parts were interesting.

[Norah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading aged 72, some good points.....

[Douglas · Rating 2 out of 5]

She started losing me when she posited that being cared for like a baby when having dementia, is pleasant. A much better book on the subject is Being Mortal by Atul Gawande.

[Robyn Fallshaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on growing old. Written from the heart. Very sensible and informative. The best book that I have read on this topic and I have read a few.

[Rae · Rating 3 out of 5]

Growing old versus getting old. Translated from the French.

[Deb (Bee) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Many fine antidotes on living well and aging with style, love and grace.

[Moira McPartlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel a little better about growing old after reading this book. Honest, gentle and not afraid to tackle the difficult subject of dying.

[Moira · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very thought provoking

[Liz Moffat · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ways to grow old gracefully and joyfully and taking the fear out of growing old and dying.

[Alexandra Ghitica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting read ready to get old at 25. Gift from my sister not bad, it makes you think 🤔

[Y · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love this book. The research is a little cherry picked but the sentiments are sound and great jumping blocks for conversation or therapy

[Christos · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting and soothing treatise on old age. Not super engaging but easy to read.

[Elsie87 · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Our society forbids us to grow old, commanding us to remain young for as long as possible. This stupid prohibitation contrasts with another, much more interesting one: "It is forbidden to be old," says the Hassidic mystic Rabbi Nachman of Braslow. Grow older, but do not be old; that is to say, do not be bitter and despairing. Do not oppose reality, but do not prevent life from fulfilling its potential to bring forth new things, right up to your very last breath.

I am convinced that the twenty years that separate us from old age are a chance we have been given to learn how to age, to ' work at growing old', to prepare ourselves psychologically and spiritually for this final stage in our lives.

How can we accept the transformations that make our bodies ugly if we do not at the same time explore the power of emotions such as joy or gratitude? How can we accept these things if we do not stop looking at ourselves, and instead see the world around us, and marvel at it? How can we accept loneliness, if we have not learned to be at ease with ourselves, at peace, reconciled with our lives and with those around us?

How can we accept the constraints of limited time and space, if we have not explored the limitless nature of our minds and our hearts

"Since we are promised increasingly long lives, let us search for the keys to inner youthfulness: a state of mind that will help us to avoid 'rusting', that will prevent us from withdrawing into ourselvesm and enable us to retain vast horizons even if our physical world shrinks; in short, to remain alive right to the end."

"We need to stop gazing fearfully at the aesthetic criteria of youth, and implement a narcissistic revolution. We need to discover the extraordinary freedom we will gain once we stop being preoccupied with our own image, with other people's vision of us. Until then, we shall continue to die in fear.
It seems to me much more intelligent and fulfilling to learn how to see with the eyes of the heart. then perhaps the face of old age will appear natural, and - why not? - even enviable"

"To show old age is to show people who are full of experiences and emotions, who have a whole depth of life on their faces. We can read the emotional lives of the elderly in their faces: their loneliness, their tiredness, but also their serenity, their impulses, and their desires. For their desires are still there - they have simply been transformed. Tenderness has replaced seduction."

4 old people found to have retained their vitality in old age:
"He [Robert Dilts] was initially struck by their open-mindedness, their free thinking, and their tolerance. The fact that they have been in contact with a range of very different people during their childhoods certainly played a part in this openness. Also, all four emphasised the importance of being active, singing, and seeing the positive side of life and events, and they regarded life's trails as an opportunity to evolve rather than as a sign of failure. All four emphasised the vital role of humour.... They knew that their lives were limited, but they lived as if they still had all their time ahead of them, and their capacity to look to the future was remarkable... Moreover, they insisted that they would not change a single moment in their lives, even if those lives had been puncuated by painful events.
Their beliefs and values differed, but they shared the feeling that they were linked to something that was greater than they were, and they were in harmony with themselves. Deep down, they were all true to themselves, to their history and culture."

"We must entangle the skein of our lives and wind our wool into a ball, review our past, event by event, untying all the knots one by one. The aim is to free ourselves from the shackles of a painful past, and forgive ourselves for our failures. It is a work of introspection."