How To Keep Sparkly Emo Vampires Off Your Lawn

by Mike Cooley

Back in the day, we never had a problem with these pesky sparkly vampires. Oh, we would get an occasional deer in the yard, or a squirrel, or even a raccoon, but never vampires. It was a peaceful, quiet little town in the Pacific Northwest called Spoon. We never caused anyone any trouble and they left us well enough alone. But those days are gone. Now these emo vampires are everywhere. Not to mention those dang waxing werewolves. It’s getting to the point where you can’t even have a beer in the backyard without some blood sucking freak moping about.

Genres: Humor, Fantasy, Paranormal, Vampires, Supernatural, Comedy

27 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 17, 2011

About the author

I have been writing science fiction and fantasy stories for many years. My writing has an edge to it. I enjoy exploring the dark and surreal landscapes of the mind.

My first fantasy novel, The Crystal Warrior, has just been released. I am currently working on book two in the series.

I also have a science fiction collection called Skin of Giants.

I grew up in Washington State, went to college in New Mexico, and now live in Minnesota. I am an Engineering Consultant (nerd) for a large retail corporation during the day, and a fiction writer / musician at night.

I live in the suburbs, just north of Minneapolis, with one wife (dancer), one kid (boy), and two cats (fat).

Reviews

[Sheri Kendall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny

I laughed. I cried. I showed more emotion during this quick read than any of the crappy actors did in all of those movies.

[Beka · Rating 4 out of 5]

Looking for a quick funny read then this is your book, I was laughing out loud while reading this.

[Kristin N. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really, really slow.

[Mandy White · Rating 5 out of 5]

This story was the most fun I've had in a long time. A hilarious and cleverly written parody of...well, if you don't know what it is a parody of, then you won't get the story. It is told from the perspective of an old-timer from a small Pacific Northwestern town called Spoon who has a problem with unwanted loiterers on his lawn. These sparkly intruders have, for some reason, chosen his lawn to stand around brooding and trying to look cool. Then the clumsy girl who trips over everything shows up, followed by a bunch of waxed were-things. How does he finally get rid of them? Well, just buy the dang book already and find out!

Whether you're a twi-hard, or a twi-not, this is a really fun read!

[Maki ⌒☆ · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was actually trying to find a book I had read back in 2006, by Googling variations of "fantasy book with a guy with a cursed sword, and an old man and his lawn", but saw this and couldn't pass it up. Especially since I was able to read it for free here.

(If anyone has any ideas about the book I was trying to find, by any chance, I'd appreciate suggestions!)

The short story pokes fun at Twilight - there are brooding vampires who are almost nothing like traditional vampires, clumsy girls who trip going up and down stairs, and were-dogs you can't keep clothed. And all the protagonist wants is for those damn sparklies to get off his lawn...and maybe get relationship counseling.

[Jess(ToTheMoonAndBackReviews) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I stumbled on this book by accident. My head was throbbing and sleep was useless, something that often occurs when I am extremely sick.

I couldn't have asked for a better story to pick up my mood. I found myself smiling through the whole story and even laughing out loud at one point.

This spoof is a really great read, one that I even recommended to my fiance, a man who won't touch a book with a ten foot pole , and after a short summary of it, he is even looking foreward to reading it.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the other reviews and knew I had to read this. Any book vampire or other wise that makes you laugh out loud is a must read.
I noticed I could read it on Goodreads...so I did.
I was laughing and chuckling so much that I wound up having to read the book out loud for an audience. Thank goodness it is a short book. My 80 year old man voice wouldn't have lasted through a long one.

Do yourself a favor and read this. Mike Cooley has a great take on the Twilight series and all those undead who don't know how to properly behave.

[Paulette · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a funny, very quick read that perfectly spoofs the Twilight series. You'll finish it in 10 minutes, but chuckle the whole time. Imagine an old curmudgeon, stereotypically trying to keep annoying kids off his lawn, but those kids are brooding vampires and preening werewolves. He tries all manner of defenses (like blasting Kenny G), resorting to importing Dracula himself, all to no avail. Until he finally bends the ear of the originator of the silly popular tales...then new problems arrive.

[Kitty · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a really short, quick read - you can finish it in one sitting. And that's probably a good thing - a little goes a long way. It's just a parody of the Twilight series (which is pretty obvious from the title). There were a couple of funny lines. I think you do have to be at least a little familiar with the original series to "get it". I got a couple of chuckles from it. Had it been any longer, I doubt I would have finished it, but for a quick laugh, it wasn't too bad.

[Deborah Prestwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

A sparkly little spoof of the Twilight Series, Mike Cooley's book captivated my attention with the title. The story about an elderly gentleman trying to keep the undead and immortals off his lawn had me laughting out loud throughout the tale. Highly recommended if you need a book to lighten your day!

[Mireille Chester · Rating 4 out of 5]

This story was so funny. If you liked Twilight, you'll either love this because you have a sense of humor, or you'll hate it because it makes fun of the characters and you're one of those people that gets very attached to fictional beings. :D My favorite part? When Donna falls up AND down the stairs!

[Alisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Giggled all the way through it, and the bonus story at the back. And I seriously needed a giggle. Though what was a weensy bit frightening about this parody was how faithful the details were to the original source material -- which means the author had to have read all the books and possibly seen at least one of the movies. Eek. Guilty pleasure all around.

[Brian Bigelow · Rating 5 out of 5]

When it comes to a good laugh this guy doesn't disappoint. Cracked up the whole time I was reading. The Powerpoint Zombie story at the end was a nice addition.

On a more serious note, I did find out why I couldn't keep the sparkly blood suckers out. It was a good thing too, I was running out of broom and tool handles to make stakes out of. They're getting expensive too.

[Heather S. · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm amused at the parody but the voice of narrator didn't match at. all!!! He claims to be 80 yet says dude and is creepy!! The most amusing parts were Spoons and Woodward. The rest was pretty lame which was disappointing since there was a lot that could have been done with this premise.

[Aaronichi · Rating 3 out of 5]

A nice satiric romp of Twilight hate at a glance. Once I got into it though, it reminded me of I Am Legend in the way the protagonist was pitted against his world. The bonus story was great as well.

[Nikki · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fast read. To the point. Hilariously snarky. A fun, quick parody I got for my Kindle at a cheap price. The things this old fella did to get rid of the sparklers and waxers was amusing. He wins in the end...almost.

[Kilian Metcalf · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fun send up of a certain vampire/werewolf series beloved by teens. Hint: garlic and holy water are no help. There is a bonus feature pier about protecting yourselves from Powerpoint zombies.

[Mama K · Rating 5 out of 5]

this short story was ridiculous, inane, silly.....and absolutely HILARIOUS. Pokes great fun at the rabid literary infiltration of "loving" vampires. It was about a 20 or so minute read, and it was FREE on my Kindle. LOVED it.

[Maxwell Valentine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Weird and unexpected in a great way

A funny and interesting read. Surprisingly, the extra story at the end was my favorite part. I have a feeling the author could write some compellng fiction in long-form, too!

[Tami Winbush · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the book, even with a few editing errors and typos. Funny quick read.

I didn't judge this book by its cover but by its title!!

[Bobby Hitt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a quick, fun read. Having not read the books or seen the films being parodied, I probably missed a few of the references, but I was amused throughout regardless.

[Stacy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a humorous satire that I got for free on my Kindle. It was a bit short, though.

[Lynne Bridges · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a light read with not too many details but it was entertaining. It is told from an 80 year old mans perspective who has crazy emo vampires attacking his lawn in Spoon, WA.

Read it.

[Femaleangelus · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not as funny as I thought it would be but a enjoyable read none the less

[Kimberly Turnmire · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was mildly entertaining, but the last chapter was awkwardly worded and I had to read it a couple times before I "got" what was going on.

[Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

That was silly.

[Nik · Rating 4 out of 5]

There were a lot of parts of this book that I found really funny. Its not a great book but is a funny read.

[Carol Wicklund · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not a very long book (maybe 25 pages) but if you have read or even heard of a certain vampire/werewolf/emo teen girl triangle you will laugh your butt off on this delightful short read!

[Shannon · Rating 1 out of 5]

Crap. Deleted it after about Chapter 5.