What Is He Thinking??: What Guys Want Us to Know About Dating, Love, and Marriage

by Rebecca St. James

In WHAT IS HE THINKING??, Rebecca interviews a range of men from high-profile types to the guys next door, men that every woman can relate to. Although the interviews focus on single guys ages 20-35, Rebecca also includes words of wisdom from older mentors she respects who have been successfully married for years, such as her dad, life coach, and pastor. The men share their thoughts on topics like how women can respect themselves and the men in their lives, modesty, purity, taking it slow, friendship, letting guys lead, and more. This book gives them the floor to say what they would really like women to know. The men respond candidly to questions What is the most attractive quality to you in a woman? Is modesty truly attractive? Is neediness a turn-off? What do you find beautiful? How can we be dependent on God for our identity, not on you? How can we help you with boundaries physically? Rebecca also discusses her own dating life, speaking openly about the single life, her struggle with loneliness, and her hope for the future. She challenges women to see the men in their lives as brothers in Christ and to trust God with their dating lives.

Genres: Relationships, Christian Living, Christian Non Fiction, Christian, Nonfiction, Self Help, Romance

176 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2011

About the author

Rebecca St. James, an Australian-born Christian recording artist, is both a Grammy Award winner and a multiple Dove Award recipient. She is also the bestselling author of Wait for Me, SHE Teen, and What is He Thinking. In addition, St. James has appeared in the film Sarah's Choice and lent her voice to VeggieTales' An Easter Story. www.rsjames.com

Reviews

[Shantelle · Rating 1 out of 5]

So... to tell the truth, I was greatly disappointed in this book. I've read Wait for Me by Rebecca St. James, listened to some of her music, watched a movie she played in (Sarah's Choice), saw her modest dress... and admired her. This book by her, What is He Thinking??: What Guys Want Us to Know About Dating, Love, and Marriage, totally threw me off. I was confused. I was disturbed. I didn't really know what to think. Here's some major negatives that stood out to me:
"If you're anything like me, fear can get in the way of dating. I sometimes feel like I want to bail before really getting to know someone, simply because it will hurt more if we're further in emotionally and it doesn't work out. My mum said something very wise early on in my dating years. She said that I needed to see through every relationship that had the potential for being "it" until I knew why the guy was or wasn't the one for me. Then I could be single with a clear conscience, knowing that I had done everything in my power to develop a relationship that could have led to marriage. I would then know that I hadn't missed the one for me because of fear or not giving someone a chance." (pg. 14)

Ok. Are we that desperate to get married? Is God not in control? Do we HAVE to date? Why not just get to know them as friends in a group setting so there is NO emotional pain? These are the questions that go through my mind.

Also, on pg. 90, she says: "Though some people have a true sense of conviction that they are to wait until their wedding day to kiss, generally when girls tell me they're going to do this, I cringe! Personally, I can't imagine going from zero to sixty all on the wedding night."

So waste your kisses on someone who may or may not be your future husband? I don't think its wrong to kiss before you're married, but personally, I think it's better to wait! A little physical touch can quickly escalate into a lot of physical touch, especially when you start including kissing.
What about all the amazing marriages of people who didn't kiss until marriage... does it appear it somehow negatively affected them going "from zero to sixty" on their wedding night? I think it was probably beautiful because they saved themselves fully for each other and their marriage. Already, our physical boundaries in this day and age are sadly lacking... I just wish Rebecca St. James hadn't made saving your first kiss for marriage appear to be a bad thing!

So, there were a few REALLY GOOD points in this book. I enjoyed Rick Anderson's testimony about marriage and stuff. And also Nick Vujucic's thoughts (pg. 12). And some others. There was definitely some good thoughts, some good input.

But I felt the overall message was putting too much emphasis on dating, having fun, getting yourself out there, responding to guys' interest... etc. What happened to trusting God? Is it wrong to treat men as my brothers and wait faithfully for my future husband? -Wait for God to bring him at the right time in the right way? They said stuff like, date like a Christian, encourage your boyfriend! Don't be selfish like the world. But in the end, it's still just dating for fun, and you may or may not marry the person. Dating is serious. Even if your heart's not broken in the end, your boyfriend's probably is! Why have fun, romantic times with all kinds of different guys? Why not save those fun, romantic times soley for your future husband, thus showing him you love him?

I don't want to have emotional bonds with like five different people like a lot of the people in this book seemed to do. I want it all for my future husband. I want to save my firsts for him... first kiss, first dinner date, first romantic talk...etc. Why not try and save as many "firsts" as we can for our future spouse instead of just "saving sex for marriage". The message goes beyond this... it's about writing a love song for your future spouse with your LIFE. Is dating guys just because they possibly could be the right one writing that love song? Is flirting with every interested, cute, Christian guy writing that love song? Is kissing several different boyfriends writing that love song? I mean, Proverbs 31:12 says we are to bring to our husbands "good, not harm, all the days of her life." All the days of our lives! I think that means even when you're not married to him yet. And 1 Timothy 5:1 says to "treat younger men as brothers... with absolute purity"!

I just feel that dating around sets us (and/or our boyfriends) up for heartbreak, compromise, and emotional baggage, even divorce in future marriages! This is not a game! I don't want to date unless: I'm already good friends with the guy; I (and he) have prayed earnestly about this and can see it coming to marriage in the future within God's plan; and he's asked my dad's permission. And obviously, first and foremost, he's a believer and striving to follow and know Christ more!

Maybe we aren't waiting for God's best. Maybe that's the problem with marriages these days. Maybe we're leaping into the first relationship that comes our way, and not letting God lead. Hey, I believe that God is in control! He is absolutely able to bring the right person into your life at the right time, if you will but surrender your "love story" pen to Him! Check out Eric & Leslie Ludy's story. They made a commitment not to date, but to wait faithfully instead. And they trusted God. And He wrote a BEAUTIFUL love story for them.

I don't mean to bash Rebecca St. James. Like I said, I've enjoyed some of her books, music, movies and stuff. I'm not saying I think she did it all wrong and her own marriage isn't going to be the best for her. Not at all. I'm happy she's found her beloved! But her overall message in What Is He Thinking?? just didn't settle well with me. I found some really good tidbits in it, but most of it had me anxious and set me to worrying. Please don't think I'm trying to act like I know it all! I don't!! (Obviously!) But I just want to treat men as my brothers! With absolute purity. Encourage and uplift them in Christ! Not give any part of me away that belongs to my future husband. And wait faithfully for my own, "one and only" beloved.

[Lance Lumley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Those who read my blog page or heard me on a few Christian podcasts promoting my book The Cassette will know how big a fan I have been of Rebecca St. James for years, not just her music but her books as well. There are only a few books I do not have of hers (I even had the ones at one time where she only wrote a page to contribute to others), and this was one I recently got.
The book focuses on her interviewing friends, ex band members, family members and others about dating, marriage, and how guys approach the topic. She covers topics like guys stating girls should have a life outside the dating relationship and be with their friends, not to constantly text them all the time and other tips from her guy friends. Her brothers and talk show host Sean Hannity are used in this. Social media, shaming, and what is a healthy relationship are other topics in the short read.
The book reminded me of the one Saved By The Bell "The College Years" episode when the Professor wanted Zack to do a video on "What Women Want." Although James' audience is geared for girls, the basic concept is here. She also gives her past experiences in dating (the book was written in 2011), and the end of the book talks about how the original model of dating has changed to more "friends first" idea in the church. The book isn't outdated, and has the questions in the back of the book which she asked throughout the book for the reader to use in their own life, but now that she's married with kids, and the way the world has changed, I am sure she could add more to it today. Being an older age group than the audience of the book, it was still a nice read.

[ILoveBooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a shockingly informative book for being so slim (approximately 151 pages). There are 8 chapters, each dedicated to a certain quality that is commonly thought of in dating (flirting, body image, God and guys, etc...). The author utilizes true stories about her own and others' dating experiences to help the reader understand her point. She asks men questions and provides the reader with their honest answers. In the novel, she is very persuasive concerning her views. This book is very concerned with the topic of God in dating-so if the reader does not believe or care about this quality in a date, this book is not for him/her. However, the author is not pushy with her views; they are given neutrally. This book is definitely interesting, the reader is guaranteed to learn at least one thing that he/she did not know prior to picking up the book. This book is recommended for religious men/women who enjoy nonfiction books.

[SarahO · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this book was very eye opening but I have to admit I rolled my eyes at the guys ideals more than once. They have their lists just like us girls and I think they need to be a little more realistic because it sounds like they want the girl to do all the work. "Be mysterious but not secretive, be outgoing but not too overbearing or independent. Let us be a guy".... I have a response to that but I won't say it.
My favorite parts were actually hearing the married guys speak because it sounded more real. I did get some out of this but sadly it was just a lot of eye rolling. I may be to hard but that was my initial reaction to reading this.

[Afrijewel · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first, I thought what is this? And, I'm giving this away tomorrow.

However, I hung in there. I appreciated that this is spiritual based which was a pleasant surprise. I had to adjust to the writing format. It was research style.

As for the content, great insight into the minds of what seemed to be spiritually sound men. My takeaway is that man would like to have spiritually whole woman who:
- loves being a woman and child of God
- embraces the unique being she is
- is willing to wait with patience and listens to God
- who will not rush and will not be rushed

Worth reading and a great reference tool for when you are in courtship or dating.

[Nicole Elliott]

It seems like every time you turn around there is another book out about Christian dating…or er…not dating. In a market that seems flooded with this kind of book it makes you stop and wonder if there is really a need for another book like this in the marketplace. I was happy to discover that Rebecca’s book actually did provide a fresh, new take on the “same old” material.

Some of the ways that it differed from other relationship books I’ve read is that it’s written by a (still single) girl in her 20s who is interviewing (still single) guys in their 20-30s. This is not your “dating in high school” type of book at all. It provides good answers and insight for those who went through college, started their jobs, and are still looking for a “good guy” out there. There was lots of things the guys interviewed talked about that I’ve heard coming out of my own hubbies mouth, so she did get to the root of what guys in general are thinking 🙂 (hint: a biggie is that guys are not attracted to girls who are not self confident, insecurity is a huge turn off to most men) Another thing I found cool is that in her interviews with successfully married men many of them shared the same things that I have found myself telling singles who asked about the key to my happy marriage. (nice to hear the same thing from 30+ year marriages as I said about my 5+ year one)

There were some topics and things that I felt were a little rehashed, and although she tried to pick a good sampling of guys due to her busy life and schedule she only interviewed 30 guys, and that shows. They came across to me as Coast boys who are educated, well off, and contemporary Christians. I feel that this colored the interviews in that direction–many of their ideas of dates and such would never come into the mind of my blue collar hubby 🙂

Overall this is a great book and what it offers is worth picking it up! I have passed it along to my single 18 year old sister, and would recommend it especially to anyone who is wondering if there really still are “good guys” out there!

[Darie Martin · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was not for me. I found it to be somewhat juvenile, as if it were written for adolescents and young adults. Perhaps it was, I don't know. It seemed like the book was used to prop up her friends and mention their businesses. Don't get me wrong, one should take every opportunity to promote their friends except when it doesn't add anything to the task at hand. It read like a transcript of a hang out session between Rebecca St. James and her friends. I didn't feel like anything was mentioned that wasn't common sense. I have enjoyed her music but for me the jury is still out on her as an author. Maybe I can try her other book/s.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it

[Kathleen (Kat) Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

In her book, What Is He Thinking?? Rebecca St. James touches on a particular subject all of us women are curious about: what are guys thinking about?! Especially in the context of what they think and how they feel about dating, love, and women all together. With honesty and genuine curiosity, Rebecca describes her interviews with single, and married males from all walks of life, and also tells her readers about her personal experiences in the world of dating. Rebecca also touches on true stories-of young Christian women who are sold out on God, and who are willing to take on whatever He calls them to do with their lives, especially in the dating scene.

Rebecca covers a wide variety of topics in her book, offering insight into so many questions we as women have, but are not always able to find the answers to. “How important is physical attraction to a man, when they are looking for a woman to be with?”, “What are guys looking for in regards to spirituality and a relationship with the Lord?”. Rebecca answers these questions and more through her interviews with these men, and continues to list other questions single women have.

This book not only contains answers to the questions we have about the world of men, but it also includes some fun date night ideas as well as advice on how to let a guy know you are interested. It teaches you to be confident in yourself and in your relationship with God, because that is the most important relationship you’ll ever be in. Talk about a guy being committed to you! To love and cherish you! To let no good deed of yours go unseen, and to know every thought, feeling, word, action....now that’s what I’m talking about! Once you have established an unbreakable and confident relationship with the Lord, things will tend to fall into place, including your relationships with other men according to his will.

This book was helpful in reminding me about some of the biblical truths behind dating and marriage, and I am truly excited to apply these principles into my own dating life! I received this book, compliments of Propeller and Rebecca St. James for my honest review and would rate this book a 4 out of 5 stars; this being that though the content was priceless, it took a while to get the point across and was at times monotonous.

[Erika · Rating 3 out of 5]

In What is He Thinking??, Australian born, Grammy Award winning musician and renowned writer Rebecca St. James interviews different men, from high-profile types to the guys next door. Although the interviews focus on single guys ages 20-35, Rebecca also includes words of wisdom from older mentors she respects who have been successfully married for years, people like her dad, life coach, and pastor. The men share their thoughts on topics like how women can respect themselves and the men in their lives, modesty, purity, taking it slow, friendship, letting guys lead, and more. This book gives them the floor to say what they would really like women to know.

The men respond candidly to questions such as:

What is the most attractive quality to you in a woman?
Is modesty truly attractive?
Is neediness a turn-off?
What do you find beautiful?
How can we be dependent on God for our identity, not on you?
How can we help you with boundaries physically?

Rebecca also discusses her own dating life, speaking openly about the single life, her struggle with loneliness, and her hope for the future. She challenges women to see the men in their lives as brothers in Christ and to trust God with their dating lives. I think we should listen to this lady, not only because of her sincerity, but because she recently was married and, therefore, knows what she's talking about! There must be a great deal of truth woven in this book as Ms. St. James is the proof.

Rebecca St. James is a Grammy Award winner and a multiple Dove Award recipient, with international success that has driven her record sales into the millions. In January 2008, she was named Favorite Female Artist in Contemporary Christian Music by readers of CCM Magazine for the seventh consecutive year. Rebecca also won Best Female Artist of 2007 from Christianitytoday.com-her fifth consecutive year to be given this honor. She's been involved in several film productions and voiced the character of Hope the Angel in VeggieTales' bestselling DVD production The Easter Carol.

[Lynn · Rating 2 out of 5]

"Well... Hmm." That is the state of mind which this book had me in most of the time. While I was really interested in the premise of hearing the opinion of guys on so many issues we girls wonder about (and indeed, enjoyed the insight their answers gave) the overall tone of the book felt non-committal. Like the author was trying to be very, very careful not to step on the toes of anyone whose views on dating and relationships differ from hers.

While I value being respectful of others' views, I think explaining one's own and inviting a civil discussion of why we see things differently is much more beneficial than being completely polite. That probably would have helped capture my attention better.

[Sabrina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is very insightful for single women. It offers advice in many areas that women might be puzzled about when it comes to the dating scene. She consults men from various backgrounds and even married men. There is a chapter on how to keep God as your focus throughout your dating journey that I found particularly helpful. I will be recommending this book to all of my single christian girlfriends.

[Kelli · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has some good practical knowledge, but I do feel like this subject has been covered before by other people. It's a skimmer for me. I did find a few things entertaining or funny or insightful thru out. I liked the book discussing insecurity and forwardness as not being a desirable thing to a guy. All of us need Jesus to fill us over anything else. That message is definitely evident and I liked how honest Rebecca is in her sharing.

[Katie W · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really appreciated this book and how it included a great number of quotes / interviews / perspectives. Even though I have not personally met any of the people in the book, for me, it was like getting to listen to some wise advice from friends and mentors who care about wholeheartedly loving God and others and who want to follow God with their lives. It was conversational and easy to read and also gave me a lot to think about and apply.

[Aimee Irvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book that taught me a lot about what guys are thinking. And I learned a lot even about myself and some things that I need to change about me to be the woman God has called me to be and to also be prepared to be a wife someday. Overall I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn more about what goes on inside the head of guys and also if you want to learn more about yourself.

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

There was not much advice in this book that we have not all heard at some point; but St. James presented everything in a well written Christian manner. The dialogue was easy to follow and some of the stories were highly amusing.

I recieved this book for free through Goodreads First Reads.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book seemed kind of like a dating manual. It's definitely different from all the books coming out of the courtship camp. I didn't necessarily agree with everything in this book, but it was an enjoyable and quick read that provided some insights and perspectives that were new to me.

[Rozsa-Hrabinski Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was fascinating and when I asked some of my guys friends, my boyfriend (who is now my husband) a lot of what this books says is true. Of course, understand that each man is his own personality when reading this book because no guy is the exact same. :)

[Candi Lynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great insights and advice from guys to single gals.