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The Difficult Child
How to help--and cope with--the difficult child
Expanded and completely revised, the classic and definitive work on parenting hard-to-raise children with new sections on ADHD and the latest medications for childhood disorders.
Temperamentally difficult children can confuse and upset even experienced parents and teachers. They often act defiant, stubborn, loud, aggressive, or hyperactive. They can also be clingy, shy, whiny, picky, and impossible at bedtime, mealtimes, and in public places. This landmark book has been completely revised to include the latest information on ADHD, medications, and a reassuring approach to all aspects of childhood behavioral disorders.
In this parenting classic, Dr. Stanley Turecki, one of the nation's most respected experts on children and discipline--and himself the father of a once difficult child--offers compassionate and practical advice to parents of hard-to-raise children. Based on his experience with thousands of families in the highly successful Difficult Children Program he developed for Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, his step-by-step approach shows you how
Identify your child's temperament using a ten-point test to pinpoint specific difficulties
Manage common--often "uncontrollable"--conflict situations expertly and gently
Make discipline more effective and get better results with less punishment
Get support from schools, doctors, professionals, and support groups
Understand ADHD and other common diagnoses, and decide if medication is right for your child
Make the most of the tremendous potential and creativity that many "difficult" children have
Drawing on his experience with thousands of families in his highly successful Difficult Child Program, Dr. Turecki shows parents how
Identify their child's difficult temperament using a ten-point test to pinpoint specific difficulties
Manage typical conflict situations expertly and kindly
Make discipline more effective and get better results with less punishment
Get support from schools, doctors, and others
Understand ADHD and other common diagnoses, and decide whether medication is right for their child
Make the most of the child's creativity and potential -->
From the Trade Paperback edition.
Expanded and completely revised, the classic and definitive work on parenting hard-to-raise children with new sections on ADHD and the latest medications for childhood disorders.
Temperamentally difficult children can confuse and upset even experienced parents and teachers. They often act defiant, stubborn, loud, aggressive, or hyperactive. They can also be clingy, shy, whiny, picky, and impossible at bedtime, mealtimes, and in public places. This landmark book has been completely revised to include the latest information on ADHD, medications, and a reassuring approach to all aspects of childhood behavioral disorders.
In this parenting classic, Dr. Stanley Turecki, one of the nation's most respected experts on children and discipline--and himself the father of a once difficult child--offers compassionate and practical advice to parents of hard-to-raise children. Based on his experience with thousands of families in the highly successful Difficult Children Program he developed for Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, his step-by-step approach shows you how
Identify your child's temperament using a ten-point test to pinpoint specific difficulties
Manage common--often "uncontrollable"--conflict situations expertly and gently
Make discipline more effective and get better results with less punishment
Get support from schools, doctors, professionals, and support groups
Understand ADHD and other common diagnoses, and decide if medication is right for your child
Make the most of the tremendous potential and creativity that many "difficult" children have
Drawing on his experience with thousands of families in his highly successful Difficult Child Program, Dr. Turecki shows parents how
Identify their child's difficult temperament using a ten-point test to pinpoint specific difficulties
Manage typical conflict situations expertly and kindly
Make discipline more effective and get better results with less punishment
Get support from schools, doctors, and others
Understand ADHD and other common diagnoses, and decide whether medication is right for their child
Make the most of the child's creativity and potential -->
From the Trade Paperback edition.
- GenresNonfictionParenting
240 pages, Hardcover
First published September 1, 1985
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29 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
December 19, 2013
I read this about 25 years ago, and it helped me retain my sanity. Back then, no one talked about autism, ADHD, or hypersensitivity. I didn't know anyone who had a child who suffered through life's most common routines like my little girl. Any change in routine or slightest over-stimulation was beyond her ability to cope. Simply dressing her every morning could leave us both in tears.
It was a glorious revelation to read of similar children and circumstances in the book. Even better, Turecki gave insights on how to deal with different situations. The one that meant the most to me was the instruction of how to deal with the hypersensitive child when it came to dressing. For instance, no matter how I tied her shoe, it was too tight or too loose or didn't feel right. I'd retie the shoe, and she would become increasingly upset. I'd try to be soothing and retie again until I could make it feel right. What Turecki helped me to understand was that the change from shoeless to shoe was the problem. She was going to feel uncomfortable no matter what I did or how many times I retied the shoe. In fact, retying it multiple times only prolonged the agony, because she never got to the point of becoming accustomed to the new pressure because I was redoing the laces constantly. He suggested to empathize with the child--letting her know I understood the shoe was uncomfortable and then retie one time to show I was acknowledging her discomfort. After that, I'd gently but firmly tell her that we needed to leave her shoes alone for a bit until her feet were used to the shoes. It helped to move onto something else to distract her mind from the shoes--something like combing her hair which was another trying process!
My daughter is a wonderful, accomplished young woman today. She retains her sensitive and inflexible tendencies, but she has learned how to manage them. I'm truly grateful for Turecki and his book who helped me be a better mother to my very special child.
It was a glorious revelation to read of similar children and circumstances in the book. Even better, Turecki gave insights on how to deal with different situations. The one that meant the most to me was the instruction of how to deal with the hypersensitive child when it came to dressing. For instance, no matter how I tied her shoe, it was too tight or too loose or didn't feel right. I'd retie the shoe, and she would become increasingly upset. I'd try to be soothing and retie again until I could make it feel right. What Turecki helped me to understand was that the change from shoeless to shoe was the problem. She was going to feel uncomfortable no matter what I did or how many times I retied the shoe. In fact, retying it multiple times only prolonged the agony, because she never got to the point of becoming accustomed to the new pressure because I was redoing the laces constantly. He suggested to empathize with the child--letting her know I understood the shoe was uncomfortable and then retie one time to show I was acknowledging her discomfort. After that, I'd gently but firmly tell her that we needed to leave her shoes alone for a bit until her feet were used to the shoes. It helped to move onto something else to distract her mind from the shoes--something like combing her hair which was another trying process!
My daughter is a wonderful, accomplished young woman today. She retains her sensitive and inflexible tendencies, but she has learned how to manage them. I'm truly grateful for Turecki and his book who helped me be a better mother to my very special child.
April 15, 2018
Very outdated. A few good pieces of advice buried in loads of description and speculation.
December 6, 2017
Extremely helpful.
September 17, 2016
My psychiatrist let me borrow this book to help me to figure out how to handle my child because the problems I am having with her are messing with my mind.
She was a baby who wouldn't sleep unless she was held, and by the time she slowly finished her bottle, it was time to begin the next one. So I basically held her all the time. She very often screamed and cried for hours, and we never could find out why. When she started walking she started climbing everything in sight and, as she could undo locks, it was very hard to childproof the house effectively. She could get into so much mischief (and danger!) in 10 minutes, it felt like I had to be awake and have my eyes on her at all times. She hasn't napped since she was 2 (not that I haven't tried!) but that doesn't keep her from staying awake just as long at night.
Now 5 years old, my girl behaves beautifully at school and church, but pretty much everywhere else she is an unpredictable bundle of tantrums, willfulness, violence, rage, and impulsiveness, mixed with incredible sweetness and a loving nature, a great sense of humour, and a creative spirit. In a lot of ways it is like having two different little girls in one. Actually, I often feel like I have a whole pack of kids! But I love her more than anything and she knows it. Her daddy adores her too and it is so sweet to watch them play together.
Despite having me with her always from when she was born until she went to PreK and then again through all of the holidays and such, always playing with her, reading to her, cooking with her, and paying her plenty of attention, she is never satisfied and will do anything to get even more attention. Even break things. Like computers. Because I have to use the bathroom sometime.
Her impulsiveness almost got her killed this summer when she suddenly jumped in front of a speeding SUV in a parking lot. Thank goodness she was holding my hand and somehow I pulled her out of harm's way in time, but I can't forget that moment, ever.
Her behaviour has contributed greatly to my mental problems since her birth, including my need for hospitalization last year. Sometimes at the thought of having to continue being a stay-at-home mom (and I do have to continue--no choice involved here), I would just want to die. Sometimes I still do.
Hence this book.
My first impression of this book is that it is out of date. There are behaviours listed here that clearly fall on the autistic spectrum or would now be classified immediately as ADHD. As I read it, I found that it is also quite sexist and sometimes even condescending towards mothers. It seems to begin with the idea that the mother stays home with the kids and the father goes off to his difficult, exhausting job (do you see my joke there?). It also keeps referring to the mother as the weak parent who gives in to everything while the father wants to come in and lay down the law. It even asks fathers to hold back the mothers when they're wanting to be too placating to their misbehaving children.
Despite all of that, there is actually quite a lot of useful information here. The evaluation was interesting and informative, though I don't know if I like to think of my child as a "mother killer" even if it is nearly true what with both of us nearly dying in childbirth and the suicidal wishes later. I feel like I have a better idea now of what to do to deescalate the situation before it can get to the point of her screaming and hitting, and a better idea of what punishment is more likely to work. I'm probably going to buy my own copy of this book so we can brush up on techniques every now and then.
I liked the way the author brought up the way the primary caregiver is made to feel like dirt for being unable to control their child, and by the child herself. It made me feel a little better to see that I am not alone, that it's not all my fault, that giving her the kind of corporal punishment I received as a child every time I did anything wrong is not the answer (I had kind of figured that out, but hey, having an expert agree is nice!), and that if we can learn to handle things better, she should turn out just fine! Woohoo!
Basically, with kids like this, the normal rules may not apply, though that can be hard to explain to well-meaning relatives. I'm sure mine are going to have fits.
So, if you have a difficult child and you need help, there are much worse places to start than this book. It is definitely the most helpful one I have found so far! Much more relevant for our family than Boundaries with Kids. Don't give up--there really is hope!
She was a baby who wouldn't sleep unless she was held, and by the time she slowly finished her bottle, it was time to begin the next one. So I basically held her all the time. She very often screamed and cried for hours, and we never could find out why. When she started walking she started climbing everything in sight and, as she could undo locks, it was very hard to childproof the house effectively. She could get into so much mischief (and danger!) in 10 minutes, it felt like I had to be awake and have my eyes on her at all times. She hasn't napped since she was 2 (not that I haven't tried!) but that doesn't keep her from staying awake just as long at night.
Now 5 years old, my girl behaves beautifully at school and church, but pretty much everywhere else she is an unpredictable bundle of tantrums, willfulness, violence, rage, and impulsiveness, mixed with incredible sweetness and a loving nature, a great sense of humour, and a creative spirit. In a lot of ways it is like having two different little girls in one. Actually, I often feel like I have a whole pack of kids! But I love her more than anything and she knows it. Her daddy adores her too and it is so sweet to watch them play together.
Despite having me with her always from when she was born until she went to PreK and then again through all of the holidays and such, always playing with her, reading to her, cooking with her, and paying her plenty of attention, she is never satisfied and will do anything to get even more attention. Even break things. Like computers. Because I have to use the bathroom sometime.
Her impulsiveness almost got her killed this summer when she suddenly jumped in front of a speeding SUV in a parking lot. Thank goodness she was holding my hand and somehow I pulled her out of harm's way in time, but I can't forget that moment, ever.
Her behaviour has contributed greatly to my mental problems since her birth, including my need for hospitalization last year. Sometimes at the thought of having to continue being a stay-at-home mom (and I do have to continue--no choice involved here), I would just want to die. Sometimes I still do.
Hence this book.
My first impression of this book is that it is out of date. There are behaviours listed here that clearly fall on the autistic spectrum or would now be classified immediately as ADHD. As I read it, I found that it is also quite sexist and sometimes even condescending towards mothers. It seems to begin with the idea that the mother stays home with the kids and the father goes off to his difficult, exhausting job (do you see my joke there?). It also keeps referring to the mother as the weak parent who gives in to everything while the father wants to come in and lay down the law. It even asks fathers to hold back the mothers when they're wanting to be too placating to their misbehaving children.
Despite all of that, there is actually quite a lot of useful information here. The evaluation was interesting and informative, though I don't know if I like to think of my child as a "mother killer" even if it is nearly true what with both of us nearly dying in childbirth and the suicidal wishes later. I feel like I have a better idea now of what to do to deescalate the situation before it can get to the point of her screaming and hitting, and a better idea of what punishment is more likely to work. I'm probably going to buy my own copy of this book so we can brush up on techniques every now and then.
I liked the way the author brought up the way the primary caregiver is made to feel like dirt for being unable to control their child, and by the child herself. It made me feel a little better to see that I am not alone, that it's not all my fault, that giving her the kind of corporal punishment I received as a child every time I did anything wrong is not the answer (I had kind of figured that out, but hey, having an expert agree is nice!), and that if we can learn to handle things better, she should turn out just fine! Woohoo!
Basically, with kids like this, the normal rules may not apply, though that can be hard to explain to well-meaning relatives. I'm sure mine are going to have fits.
So, if you have a difficult child and you need help, there are much worse places to start than this book. It is definitely the most helpful one I have found so far! Much more relevant for our family than Boundaries with Kids. Don't give up--there really is hope!
October 26, 2015
Originally published in 30 years ago, parts of the book (especially attitudes towards women/mothers) can feel a bit dated. But the concepts about fit and temperament are excellent. And it is full of helpful, practical advice and strategies for parents.
February 15, 2012
Fantastic book.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews