The Pressured Child: Freeing Our Kids from Performance Overdrive and Helping Them Find Success in School and Life

by Michael G. Thompson

The push for students to excel at school and get into the best colleges has never been more intense. In this invaluable new book, the bestselling co-author of Raising Cain addresses America’s performance-driven obsession with the accomplishments of its kids–and provides a deeply humane response.
“How was school?” These three words contain a world of desire on the part of parents to know what their children are learning and experiencing in school each day. Children may not divulge much, but psychologist Michael Thompson suggests that the answers are there if we know how to read the clues and–equally important–if we remember our own school days.
School, Thompson reminds us, occupies more waking hours than kids spend at home; and school is full not just of studies but of human emotion–excitement, fear, envy, love, anger, sexuality, boredom, competitiveness. Through richly detailed interviews, case histories, and student e-mail journals, including those of his own children, Thompson illuminates the deeper psychological journey that school demands, a journey that all children must take in order to grow and develop, whether they are academic aces or borderline dropouts. Most of us remember this journey, if we are honest with ourselves, but our children must experience it in their own way, for better or worse.

In stories that are by turns poignant, shocking, uplifting, and inspiring, we see students grapple with the textured reality of their lives, devising their own unique strategies to survive and thrive in school. For parents, this book reveals the hidden emotional landscape of the school day and points toward the answers we both desire and dread as we seek to help our children find success in school and beyond.
Bridging the worlds of the growing and the grown-up, and told in Thompson’s compassionate voice as both psychologist and father, The Pressured Child shows us how to listen for the truth of our children’s experience–and how to trust, love, and ultimately let go of a child. It is a crucial book for our stressful age–and an ideal resource for families struggling to survive it.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Education, Self Help, Psychology

288 pages, Paperback

First published August 3, 2004

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

psychologist, school consultant and international speaker on the subjects of children, schools and parenting

Reviews

[Shauna Tharp · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book takes a really interesting approach. There aren't necessarily these long checklists or clearly spelled out ways to help kids find success. It aims to remind adults of the experience - the varied experience of school for kids - through the lens of many different students' experiences. It is so much more complicated than we like to remember. I particularly appreciated towards the end how Thompson reminds us that no students is trying to do poorly. They are all trying to do their best in balancing the complex process of growing up, which is so much more than a grade on a report card. In the end, I believe the main takeaway is empathy. That is always worth discussing.

[Marcia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was written 15 years ago and I worried that it would be dated. Sadly, it is as relevant today as it was then. Lots of information here to digest, mostly about the pressure parents put on their children regarding their education, and the impact of teachers in that journey. Thompson shadows a number of students through their school day and it is fascinating to follow along. We never know all that a student carries with them (psychologically) to school. A valuable read.

[Christine Ho · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this to be very grounding - lots of vignettes about the ways we (parents, society, schools) pressure children of all different abilities and backgrounds. Lots of concepts that I will use to parent more mindfully.

[Cate · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this up after attending a school sponsored lecture by the author. His message to parents is essentially "chill out." Yes, it is harder to get into some colleges than ever before, but getting in to Harvard/Yale/Stanford or whatever does not assure the rest of your child's life. Nor does not being accepted mean life is over.

Thompson shadows several students through their school day, and vividly reminds us that school is Hard Work, and kids HAVE to have coping mechanisms for the daily stresses, humiliations, expectations, etc. Those adaptations are pretty well established by high school, and parental worry about abstract concepts like "globalization" do not mean much in a school environment. Thompson's thesis is that adults have forgotten how hard it is to go to high school, and this book is to remind us of the minute-by-minute obligations of that time. More than one adult is quoted in the book who finds it impossible to take more than 3 classes.

In my case, Thompson is preaching to the converted,and I don't know how successful he has been in reaching the Type A parent he is trying to reach. There is more than one way to be successful in life, and Thompson advocates for those other stories.

[Lisa Zahn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book and a compelling read. The author takes a very gentle approach in how he writes about the kids he follows through their school day and career. He has a true understanding of the hard work involved in just showing up every day, as well as the pressure kids face regarding grades, homework, peers, teachers, etc. He also knows his stuff when it comes to the development of children. I felt at times he was describing me as a kid in school, and at times he touched on things we've been dealing with in our own teen-agers' school careers. Because he follows a variety of students in different situations, types of schools, types of challenges, etc., I feel there is something for everyone here. Parents and teachers should read this book.

[Sandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful book that offers reasons why so many kids do not enjoy school and the various social and academic pressures that they face. Thompson asserts that adults needs to remember that students have lives and pressures outside of school, just like their parents have pressures outside of work. Parents and teachers need to realize that these external pressures directly affect student performance and student feelings at school. Thompson also reminds us that each child learns differently and that one cannot define student success in purely academic terms. Dr. Thompson's insights and observations are supplemented and supported by interviewing and shadowing students.

[Winnie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an all school faculty summer read and is mostly about the pressures parents put on their children. It reminds readers to think back to their school experience and try to remember all of the other things that were going on every single day. As parents we want to help our children in order make life easier. Thompson reminds us to listen to our children and look for clues because each child's experience is unique and may not be anything like our own was years ago. Excellent points, mostly concentrates on middle and high school students but his message is applicable for any parent of school age children.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

So often, you hear adults say "he's just a kid" or "kids shouldn't worry about that..." I think this book does a great job helping parents/adults/counselors look at children's lives through their eyes and realizing that regardless of how we perceive things as adults, school IS stressful for kids. Most of the book is focused on how children experience school, with the last few chapters addressing what parents and educators can do to help make school less psychologically harrowing. I think this book goes a long way to helping to restore empathy to our schools and parenting styles.

[Brenda · Rating 5 out of 5]

All parents and educators should read this book. While it is geared with parents of middle school or high school children in mind, every parent of school age children can learn from this book. It is very insightful into the lives children lead everyday in school and how they feel. It also opens up the lines of communication, which all loving parents have a hard time with. Read it today and keep it nearby to return to again and again.

[Jennifer Moore · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a decent book, but didn't give a lot of information on helping your child navigate through a pressure-filled academic environment. It was well-written and a good read from a sociological standpoint.

[Kelly]

An interesting look at school from the perspective of the student. I really think all parents ought to read this one.

[Karen]

This book is a very sympathetic look at what school is like for middle-school aged children. But didn't really speak to me (maybe since the girls are younger).

[Gello · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good reminder/description of what it feels like to be in school, day after day, year after year.