Against My Better Judgement: An Intimate Memoir of an Eminent Gay Psychologist

by Roger Brown

Against My Better Judgment is an extraordinary and moving account of the life of a gay man in his late 60s after he loses his companion of 40 years to cancer. A leading professor of psychology at Harvard University, Roger Brown bravely comes forth with his compelling story of grief, loneliness, and a relentless search for intimacy, healing, and self-acceptance. Readers gain insight into a stage of life experienced by gay men that is rarely written or spoken of due to the ageism that characterizes homosexual culture.

Against My Better Judgment reveals deeply personal truths that will prepare gay men for what to expect in the later stages of life. Universal in nature, these truths will speak to readers from various lifestyles and of all ages. Readers will recognize the book as a story of looking for love in all the wrong places, but will also see in it a process of discovery--both internal and external.

In the aftermath of his lover’s death, Brown turns to prostitutes for companionship, for relieving repressed sexual energy, and even for love. Through his unique relationships with three young men, he does not find the romantic love he so desperately seeks, but discovers that his idea of human nature has been formed by his particular life position and association with people who share his values, knowledge, and privileges. Once he goes outside his social and intellectual circle, he acquires a new perspective on life and realizes how far from universal truth his notions of humanity have been.

Readers of Against My Better Judgment will gain a different perspective on the complexities of love, relationships, fidelity, human nature, and the hardships of life inevitably faced by all humans--straight, gay, or bisexual. Gay men, lesbians, psychologists, widowers, therapists, and anthropologists, as well as sensitive readers of any background, will heighten their understanding of what it means to be human. This remarkable story makes a tremendous contribution to existing gay literature and the timeless struggle of art and literature to make sense of the universe and the place of humans within it. Echoing life, Against My Better Judgment, with its brutal honesty, intrigues and repels alternately, just as it elicits both sadness and laughter.

Genres: Biography, Memoir, LGBT, Gay

264 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1996

Reviews

[David]

cover of this goodreads version is different than the one I have. Anyway, an unusual autobiography to say the least. Covers mainly his 60's, after partner of 40 years died. There are looks back at their life together, at his early academic career in social psychology and psycholinguistics, etc. but main focus is his relationships with young male prostitutes, particularly three with whom he wanted more of an emotional relationship. Plays the "sugar daddy" (his term) role with each, hiring them to come on vacations with him, investing in their businesses, etc. He learns painfully and repeatedly that they may admire his extensive knowledge of opera, his wit, and so on, but they're not in love with him.

I knew the author slightly (he died by suicide a year or so after this book came out in 1996, apparently to cut short a time of tremendous physical pain from several illnesses), as a good friend of mine who had taken a couple of his courses and sort of imprinted on him as a mentor introduced us once or twice. He was not out at that time as gay, and the relationships described here with young men occurred later anyway. Sad and infuriating to reflect on how much wasted emotional energy went toward staying closeted in that time.

As a book, rather than as a life, its strength is candor, and its weakness is repetition. About a third of the way through, I wanted to ban comments on opera (am I like this about sports? I need to check with a friend). And i don't think I'm unusually prudish, but I definitely began to skim over the copious recaps of his intimate encounters to get to the parts about aging, relationships, and his work life.

[Nelson Minar]

A painfully honest autobiographical account of the author's life from ages 62-67 or so, after his lover of 40 years died. The first chapter or two is about his relationship with his lover. This was the most painful part to me - it's quite honest and self critical, full of the minute dissections of life that make the miseries become apparent. At the same time the description is of a relationship with a lot of strength and companionship.

After his lover's death the author goes on to talk about his new sexual life, the various relationships he has with call boys. The interesting thing to me is that he developed long term relationships with three different hustlers; the narrative is about his experiences with them. It's not spoiling the book to say none of the relationships worked out very well.

The book as a whole is not exactly exuberant. There are moments in it that are quite fun, or funny, or even hopeful. And I really enjoyed the author's ability to analyze and talk about himself. It's worth a read, though, if nothing else than for the voyeuristic pleasure of it.

[Bookworm]

Worth reading, lots of focus on gay sex, love, and aging.
Love cannot be bought, sold, or pleaded for.
It can't be convinced or pried, but must be given freely.

The main lesson: When someone does not love you the way they ought to, leave. Leave quickly, without bargaining, badgering, lamenting, hoping, wishing, or attempting.