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Toughlove
How do you love an “impossible” teenager?
“An effective way of uniting parents to square off against the youngsters’ own powerful peer group that endorses drugtaking and rebelliousness.”— Time
Thousands of parents are finding new hope in dealing with rebellious teenagers through Toughlove, a self-help program which has grown to over eight hundred groups throughout the United States and Canada in less than six years. Now, for the first time in book form, the founders tell how Toughlove works.
“You need Toughlove if you feel helpless and unable to cope with your teenagers’ behavior or if you feel victimized by them, disappointed in yourself as a parent, guilty because you think you have done a rotten job and are frightened bythe potential for violence in yourself and your children. . . . Remember, you have the right to a night’s sleep without where your kid is—or being awakened by a phone call from the police or a hospital or a drunk teenager who’s stranded somewhere.” —Ann Landers
“An effective way of uniting parents to square off against the youngsters’ own powerful peer group that endorses drugtaking and rebelliousness.”— Time
Thousands of parents are finding new hope in dealing with rebellious teenagers through Toughlove, a self-help program which has grown to over eight hundred groups throughout the United States and Canada in less than six years. Now, for the first time in book form, the founders tell how Toughlove works.
“You need Toughlove if you feel helpless and unable to cope with your teenagers’ behavior or if you feel victimized by them, disappointed in yourself as a parent, guilty because you think you have done a rotten job and are frightened bythe potential for violence in yourself and your children. . . . Remember, you have the right to a night’s sleep without where your kid is—or being awakened by a phone call from the police or a hospital or a drunk teenager who’s stranded somewhere.” —Ann Landers
- GenresParentingNonfiction
256 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published January 1, 1982
4 people are currently reading
34 people want to read
About the author
Phyllis York
19 books4 followersPhyllis York is a native of southwest Missouri and resides in the fictional town of Landover with her husband, Ken York.
Her new book, My Mother Road is set against a backdrop of Route 66.
More information about the book and its author are available at www.phyllisyork.com.
Her new book, My Mother Road is set against a backdrop of Route 66.
More information about the book and its author are available at www.phyllisyork.com.
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
August 6, 2018
This book gave my husband & I assurance that we were not alone in dealing with increasingly rebellious teenagers. Some of the ideas were helpful. That said, this approach is too extreme and much more likely to destroy familial relationships than to save them.
Our children are all now in their mid-30s. We love them; they love us. There is still some residual resentment for the way we handled them using the Toughlove approach. Mind you, the rebellion was unbearable to us. We did not know what to do. But we should have listened to our kids. Listened. Made an effort to understand their point of view first. Please, don't follow the approach in this book without considering the other options.
Our children are all now in their mid-30s. We love them; they love us. There is still some residual resentment for the way we handled them using the Toughlove approach. Mind you, the rebellion was unbearable to us. We did not know what to do. But we should have listened to our kids. Listened. Made an effort to understand their point of view first. Please, don't follow the approach in this book without considering the other options.
December 19, 2012
Working with teens is what I do. This book is an extremist view that I simply disagree with wholeheartedly.
December 14, 2017
My guess is that the kids who were raised on this book, like myself, would have liked to rate this book zero stars instead of one star
February 26, 2026
If I were to give somebody advice on how to be the worst parent possible and guarantee that their child will put them in a cheap nursing home and forget about them, I’d recommend they read this book and follow its instructions to the letter.
That this book inspired numerous “tough love” and “troubled teen” programs which ended up shutting down as a result of child abuse allegations is not surprising whatsoever. I’ve never read a book in which I felt a more potent, virulent anger and outright hatred towards children from the authors. The book argues that supposed “troubled” teens are intrinsically liars, manipulative and downright abusive, and as such, validating and listening to them would only provide another opportunity for them to manipulate parents. That such advice could come from two TRAINED FAMILY THERAPISTS THEMSELVES is insane.
They legitimately couldn’t even last 12 pages without calling kids “Satanic”.
This reads less like legitimate community building/parental advice/psychological text and more like a manifesto consisting of the deranged rantings of two parents who detest their daughter and felt personally slighted by the idea that their own traumas and parenting styles could have in any way affected her and influenced her behaviour.
The book contains numerous contradictions:
- It suggests that therapy and mental health resources are inefficacious and provide overly simplistic solutions to complex problems, yet the solution the book provides is to invalidate and emotionally neglect your children.
- It states that blaming parents (which the authors felt was what they experienced in therapy for their own daughter) doesn’t help anybody make progress, yet they spend the entire book blaming children for their behaviour.
- It claims to not support physical abuse and harming children, yet lists several examples of harmful physical restraint being used on kids (mainly, sitting on them, which has killed numerous children, such as 12 year old Mikey Wiltsie). One chapter gleefully recounts a story in which the author struck his daughter and giggled about how unreasonable the action was.
- It complains numerous times about how ungrateful and unloving all children are, yet advises parents to treat love as a reward earned on the condition of complete subordination to authority.
But above all else, it derides the supposed failure of psychotherapy and mental health treatments and resources in general, then advises that parents meet and form groups and talk about their problems and work out ways to effectively (and extremely harshly) punish their children. So? Like a support group? That just sounds like therapy with child abuse sprinkled in, because that’s what it is. Therapy and sympathy for frustrated parents and neglect and invalidation for “unruly” and “horribly behaved” children. At best this is naive and myopic, at worst this is a free pass to traumatize your kids.
Overall, no matter what the anecdotes say, giving your kid “tough love” will not help them, sure it might force them to stop misbehaving, but in the long run it won’t teach them the error of their ways and help them become a happier and healthier person, but this book and this movement in general doesn’t advocate that. It advocates for forcing children to behave by any means necessary and worrying about their wellbeing later, as is directly stated in the book: “When the crisis is over everyone can explore the “whys” if they want.”
I’d say that’s good advice if you want to ensure that the answer to “why” is “you”.
That this book inspired numerous “tough love” and “troubled teen” programs which ended up shutting down as a result of child abuse allegations is not surprising whatsoever. I’ve never read a book in which I felt a more potent, virulent anger and outright hatred towards children from the authors. The book argues that supposed “troubled” teens are intrinsically liars, manipulative and downright abusive, and as such, validating and listening to them would only provide another opportunity for them to manipulate parents. That such advice could come from two TRAINED FAMILY THERAPISTS THEMSELVES is insane.
They legitimately couldn’t even last 12 pages without calling kids “Satanic”.
This reads less like legitimate community building/parental advice/psychological text and more like a manifesto consisting of the deranged rantings of two parents who detest their daughter and felt personally slighted by the idea that their own traumas and parenting styles could have in any way affected her and influenced her behaviour.
The book contains numerous contradictions:
- It suggests that therapy and mental health resources are inefficacious and provide overly simplistic solutions to complex problems, yet the solution the book provides is to invalidate and emotionally neglect your children.
- It states that blaming parents (which the authors felt was what they experienced in therapy for their own daughter) doesn’t help anybody make progress, yet they spend the entire book blaming children for their behaviour.
- It claims to not support physical abuse and harming children, yet lists several examples of harmful physical restraint being used on kids (mainly, sitting on them, which has killed numerous children, such as 12 year old Mikey Wiltsie). One chapter gleefully recounts a story in which the author struck his daughter and giggled about how unreasonable the action was.
- It complains numerous times about how ungrateful and unloving all children are, yet advises parents to treat love as a reward earned on the condition of complete subordination to authority.
But above all else, it derides the supposed failure of psychotherapy and mental health treatments and resources in general, then advises that parents meet and form groups and talk about their problems and work out ways to effectively (and extremely harshly) punish their children. So? Like a support group? That just sounds like therapy with child abuse sprinkled in, because that’s what it is. Therapy and sympathy for frustrated parents and neglect and invalidation for “unruly” and “horribly behaved” children. At best this is naive and myopic, at worst this is a free pass to traumatize your kids.
Overall, no matter what the anecdotes say, giving your kid “tough love” will not help them, sure it might force them to stop misbehaving, but in the long run it won’t teach them the error of their ways and help them become a happier and healthier person, but this book and this movement in general doesn’t advocate that. It advocates for forcing children to behave by any means necessary and worrying about their wellbeing later, as is directly stated in the book: “When the crisis is over everyone can explore the “whys” if they want.”
I’d say that’s good advice if you want to ensure that the answer to “why” is “you”.
July 15, 2025
In 1984, I was kicked out of my home due to my rebellious behavior. I was a 14 yr old girl who was disrespectful, disobedient, and headed down the wrong path. My parents took this tough love concept and ran with it. Over the next several years, through Junior high and high school, I was homeless off and on. Everytime I went back, anytime I did anything wrong (1 min late for curfew?), I was kicked out or left to fend for myself. I was never offered counseling for my extreme emotional issues. Authorities were not alerted to my homelessness by my parents or teachers even though everyone in my tiny town knew. I was thrown away by everyone because this "tough love" approach was all the rage. Also, take note, even as a homeless CHILD, I continued to go to school, get good grades, be a cheerleader and on student council, and work a job. I was not a drug addict and I was not a danger to others. I was mostly a danger to myself. The tough love approach only thrust me into very precarious positions that almost ruined my life. As an adult, I have forgiven my parents. They were young and stupid. However, I haven't forgotten that this "tough love" concept took away the best years of my life... DO NOT do this to your minor child. EVER. You are putting them in grave danger of being raped, beaten, or worse. Not every kid is going to rise above your crappy parenting skills like I did and survive. I needed therapy and a good church family, not to be homeless at 13 years old. It sickens me that this book is even still in print and that people read it. The support groups are no longer there for a reason, people! Because this is inhumane treatment of CHILDREN and endangers their lives!
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August 19, 2012Other than the bible, this is one of the few books I have read teaching personal accountability to youth for their rebellious choices. Today's secular and Christian counseling has failed to address the heart of issues and tend to look in all the wrong places for answers. The Authors are Family Therapists who realized the failed system and fallacy of blame displacement psychology. This is a refreshing, honest book which is secular in nature but extremely sound in conclusion. One will need to overlook the off color words expressing examples of youthful rebellion in order to find the true treasures of wisdom. If you want to help parents struggling with difficult youth, than this is it.
December 18, 2016
Read this when I was young and in my "going to support groups for the same reason as the guy in Fight Club" stage.
Every parent with a difficult teenager should read this book. So glad I didn't have to resort to this method but I have a lot of respect for the couple who wrote this.
Every parent with a difficult teenager should read this book. So glad I didn't have to resort to this method but I have a lot of respect for the couple who wrote this.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews