Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems

by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, H. Stephen Glenn

As a parent, you face one of the most challenging—and rewarding—roles of your life. No matter how much you love your child, there will still be moments filled with anger, frustration, and, at times, desperation. What do you do? Over the years, millions of parents just like you have come to trust the Positive Discipline series for its consistent, commonsense approach to child rearing. In this completely updated edition of Positive Discipline A–Z , you will learn how to use methods to raise a child who is responsible, respectful, and resourceful. You’ll find practical solutions to such parenting challenges

- Sibling Rivalry
- Bedtime Hassles
- School Problems
- Getting Chores Done
- ADHD ·Eating Problems
- Procrastination
- Whining
- Tattling and Lying
- Homework Battles
- And Dozens More!

This newly revised and expanded third edition contains up-to-the-minute information on sleeping through the night, back talk, and lack of motivation as well as tips on diet, exercise, and obesity prevention, and new approaches to parenting in the age of computers and cell phones.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Childrens, Reference, Teaching, Personal Development

316 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1993

About the author

Dr. Jane Nelsen is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in South Jordan, UT and Carlsbad, CA.

She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.

Reviews

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Full disclosure, I "read" this by skimming many of the chapters. I didn't learn anything new or particularly amazing, but it was some positive validation because we are already taking this approach to parenting. Honestly, it's not rocket science, but it is relentless and trying: kids need firm limits, but they need you to be gentle. Physical or verbal punishment (especially for 0-3 year-olds) just doesn't work. It's exhausting, but we need to constantly teach them the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and realize that toddlers really aren't trying to drive us crazy -- they just do sometimes. The statement "The first three years last forever" did strike a chord.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love the Positive Discipline series and this book was no exception. However, there were a few things that gave me pause and made me rate it as a 4-star book instead of a 5-star book.

First and most importantly, the authors advocate letting children as young as 3 months old cry it out to go to sleep at night. In my opinion (and several recent studies have started to demonstrate this), leaving a baby (especially one who cannot yet understand a verbal explanation) to cry alone in the dark is NOT a positive discipline method; instead, it teaches her that her parents will abandon her when she is frightened, hungry, or otherwise in need of comfort. To me, the authors' infant CIO agenda is in direct conflict with the rest of the book, where they encourage parents to build a relationship of mutual respect and trust with their children.

Secondly, they support their CIO argument with a statement that babies 3 months and older never need to eat at night. While it may be true that some percentage (and maybe even a majority) are ready to night wean by 3 months, that is in no way true for all babies. I'm thinking in particular of preemies and babies with growth problems, but in my experience, a large percentage of infants genuinely aren't ready to stop eating at night until they're a little bit older. I wish the authors would have encouraged the reader to check with his or her pediatrician on this point, instead of making a blanket statement with the potential to be genuinely dangerous.

Finally, the authors' own strange beliefs come seeping through as "parenting advice" at times. Telling me that I must require my children to use headsets when speaking on cell phones so that they don't develop brain tumors is medical advice, not parenting advice (and not particularly evidence-based medical advice, at that). I wish they would have stuck with doling out parenting advice.

All of that said, these are minor flaws in what is otherwise a very helpful guide to dealing with common childhood discipline problems in a way that's kind, firm, and respectful of the parent-child relationship. I would definitely recommend this book to other parents interested in alternatives to punishment-based parenting.

[Brandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful, practical advice.

The only thing that bothered me was the way children's behavior was described as "misbehavior" instead of how the behavior was experienced for the child (what needs the child was trying to fulfill using that particular behavior) and then examining why that particular behavior was a problem for the family, society, etc.. I feel like framing it through the child's eyes invites more empathy to the situation, while still focusing on solutions. Hearing the word "misbehavior" over and over was off-putting to me.

With that said, I'm glad I did not discount this book because of that caveat. The author has given more practical advice than any other discipline book I've read that does not rely on punishments or rewards. I found the tips to stop nagging, stop rescuing, stop lecturing, getting a life, and act don't talk particularly enlightening. Her tips about family meetings and morning and bedtime routines have enhanced what we were already doing--she has a lot of gems in there.

Furthermore, the style of this book is particularly useful because it is easy to find tips on a particular issue when needed. And, of course, the first section is indispensable. I'm sure this is a reference book that I will refer to during my entire parenting career.

[Pam · Rating 2 out of 5]

It had a few good nuggets and reminders about the nature of kids and how they are wired, however it was hard for me to take it seriously...

They open talking about how using negative consequences (eg a time out for unwanted behavior) is ineffective without ever citing research to back this claim.

What's worse (much worse), they say this approach will only provoke "guilt and shame." Guilt and shame are two very different concepts and should be distinguished as being totally different and elicited by two very different messages- guilt comes from feeling you did something bad. Shame comes from feeling you are bad. Guilt can be productive, while shame should always be avoided as a parenting Strategy. To lump shame and guilt together struck me as irresponsible and unprofessional and irked me to the point of taking the entire book with a huge grain of salt.

This book is probably good for parents who are scared to say no to their kids or who have the superhuman ability to never show anger or any other negative emotion. Sorry I l know it's better to remain calm when disciplining kids but I'm only human and I don't feel this book really takes that into account.

[Nihan]

Bu yorumu Hayat Yayıncılık basımları için yazıyorum: KORKUNÇ BİR ÇEVİRİ.
Hayatımda gördüğüm en kötü çevirilerden. Kitabı iki kez okumayı denedim. İlk seferinde zorlanıp bırakmıştım. Sonra bir daha şans vereyim dedim ama 60. sayfadan ileri geçemiyorum! Daha önce de kötü çevrilmiş kitaba denk gelmiştim ama hayatımda hiç çeviriden bunca rahatsızlık duyup kitabı okumayı bıraktığım olmamıştı. AŞIRI KÖTÜ. Sürekli olarak kafamda kitabı önce İngilizceye sonra tekrar Türkçeye çevirmem gerekti. Ve bunu hemen hemen her cümle için yapmam gerekiyordu dolayısyla artık YETER diyor ve bu kitabı bırakıyorum.
Bir örnek vereyim. Sayfa 38, başlık Alışkanlıklar. Muhtemelen "Rutinler" diye çevirilmeliydi ama Alışkanlıklar da iyi. Bu noktada, henüz, sorun yok. İlk iki cümle şöyle:
"Çocukların alışkanlıklara ihtiyaçları vardır. Bazı ebeveynler alışkanlıkların kendiliğindenliği öldürdüğünü düşünür."
Bir durdum, kendiliğindenlik ne acaba diye düşündüm. Sonra fark ettim ki:
KENDİLİĞİNDENLİK = INDIVIDUALITY = BİREYSELLİK

BÜTÜN BİR KİTAP BOYUNCA SÜREKLİ OLARAK TÜRKÇE'DEN TÜRKÇE'YE ÇEVİRİ YAPMAKTAN SIKILDIM! Bu noktada belirtmem lazım ki isyanım kesinlikle kitabın içeriğine değil. KİTAP ASLINDA İYİ AMA ÇEVİRİ *** GİBİ. Kitabı orijinal dilinde ekitap olarak aldım. Onu okuyorum şimdi.

ÖZETLE: JANE NELSEN'IN POZİTİF DİSİPLİN KİTAPLARI BU KONUDA PİYASADA OLAN EN İYİ KAYNAK. KİTABIN TÜRKÇE'YE DÜZGÜN ÇEVİRİLMİŞ VERSİYONU BİLDİĞİM KADARIYLA PEGASUS YAYINLARINDA MEVCUT. HAYAT YAYINLARINDAN ALMAYIN, ALDIRMAYIN. OKUNMUYOR ÇÜNKÜ.

Hayatımda hiç böyle bir yorum yazacağım aklıma gelmezdi ama herşeyin bir ilki gerçekten oluyormuş demek ki.

[Tammy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read a lot of parenting books and I thought this was one of the easier ones to read because it told me exactly what to say in certain situations.

Quotes I really liked:
"Empowered children have opinions and want to be involved in decision making. Demanding children want everything to be their way."

"If you want your kids to listen more, use less words."

"Children tattle because they lack the skills to solve their own problems or because they feel discouraged and seek undue attention by trying to prove how "good" they are."

[Elena B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love any book that stands for raising your child with Love an Respect.

I always stood for that, but no one is perfect, and there are still situations in which I'm harsher than I want to be, or I am managing certain situations wrong.

This book helped me, because after reading it, whenever there's a critical moment my mind races to the advice in the book.
Every time I am diverging, I stop and think about how much I love my kids.

I think everyone should read this book, or books similar to this one.

[Autumn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked this so much because you can just look up the issue you are having and find out why your child might be acting this way, what they gain by it and how to prevent it. Besides that, it gives you actual possible conversations or statements to use with your child.
There is a lot to take from this book.

[Annie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I refer to this one a lot!

[Gold Dust · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good format but a lot of bad advice. Gives kids too much control. Advocates being more of a passive hands-off guide with kids than a teacher whose age and rank makes her worthy of respect and obedience. Here’s what else the positive discipline theory preaches: Let your kids punch, threaten, and tease each other, but don’t spank or criticize them yourself because this is harmful (263)! Punish both the bully and the victim, let them forget their homework. Give your kids money for nothing, and have no consequences for wrongdoings. Praise your kids for their ingenuity when they bum food off kids at school rather than remember to bring a lunch. Don’t make your kids say sorry. Reward misbehavior (hug your kid when they bite or hit), except don’t call it a reward, because rewards are almost as bad as punishment. Don’t take your kids to doctors without their agreement (189).

The best quote in the book:
“Appreciation comes from hard work, not from handouts” (186).

[Nathasha · Rating 3 out of 5]

O livro seria muito bom se não fosse tão didático estilo livro texto... Eu não queria um livro de estudo cheio de siglas e com perguntas no final de cada capítulo... só queria mais exemplos de como utilizar na prática o que é ensinado, que é muito bom, mas às 3h da manhã na quarta vez que levanto para amamentar e estou lendo o kindle atrás do neném no escuro, sinto muito, mas nem lembro desta sigla, quanto menos a do capítulo anterior, e não tenho um caderno para ficar anotando.... É um livro ótimo para professores, mas para mães faltou o elemento praticidade e empatia com a falta de tempo e privação de sono....

[Cassidy]

Borrowed from the library (I don't have children, nor will I in the foreseeable future, but I enjoy learning about various topics, and am always looking for more positive ways to treat myself and others.
Honestly surprised by how comprehensive this book turned out to be! Any complaints stem from outdated information (mainly about mental disabilities, safe medication, cellphones, etc), since it was published a while ago. Most parents could stand to learn from this book, because I've seen how their kids turn out doing the opposite)

[Eliza · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars. There were a few minor areas where I disagreed with the suggestions or felt that the authors should have gone further with their reasoning, but overall it was excellent. I especially like how such a wide variety of common parenting problems is addressed and each problem has its own section in alphabetical order, as this seems rare in parenting books.

[Jenny GB · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like the format of this book. The beginning is a succinct list of their principles and then the rest of the book is specific suggestions for specific problems. It looks like a helpful reference when you’re losing it over a situation because you can turn right to that area and have some things to try.

[Walaa Yousef · Rating 3 out of 5]

كتاب لطيف و فيه تطبيقات للتربية الإيجابية في مختلف المواقف مع الأطفال
الحلو فيه أنه بيركز على اقتراحات معينة و يكررها لتجاوز كذا موقف مع الأطفال فبيثبت المعلومة في الدماغ و بيعطي صيغ كتير تقدر تنتاقش و تتكلم بيها مع طفلك فبيوسع أُفقك

[Mari · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not a bad book but the information is pretty repetitive. Would be maybe a good book to check out at the library if you're looking for help on one or two specific items rather than trying to read the entire book.

[Ha]

It's pratical, gentle and useful. It's easy to follow I can jump in whatever sections I am interested in or need some advice on.

[Meg · Rating 2 out of 5]

Repetitive

[Cyndee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I live by this book.

[Sandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very practical and lots of good ideas for someone who’s never dealt with the terrible 2’s and 3’s.

[Jodi Nelson · Rating 4 out of 5]

More of a skim-through the relevant sections kind of read.

[Kasey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This series saves my life on a weekly basis. Helps me stick with it and gives me encouragement when I need it.

[Allyson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good for new parent

Most of the info is for younger children. It's also mostly what I already knew from Love and Logic. But can be a good resource for a newer parent.

[Muslma Hassan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing

[Alyssa · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is more of a reference book overall to help you address specific situations with your kids using positive discipline (situations like bedtime problems, electronics, lying, school issues, defiance, etc.). All readers are encouraged to read Part 1, which covers the basics of what positive discipline is. There are some good ideas in Part 1, but I didn't agree with some of the premises the authors are touting, such as no punishment and some of the things they tell you to do/say to treat your kids with respect. I'm all for treating your kids with respect, but some of their suggestions seem overly coddling/accepting/permissive for how kids should talk to their parents in my opinion.

Part 2 is the real gem of the book, with the following sections inside each situation:
- Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation
- Suggestions
- Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems
- Life Skills Children Can Learn
- Parenting Pointers

I did not read Part 2 cover to cover, since several of the situations did not apply to me and my kids, but of the ones I read (probably about 3/4 of the situations), they have some great and unique ways to handle certain scenarios, and I like how they talk about how we as parents can contribute to the problem with the way we are behaving. I did take exception with the ADHD section, because they imply if you just use their suggestions, the ADHD symptoms/issues will go away, and that has not been my experience.

An interesting reference and good for some out-of-the-box solutions with your kids.

[Patti K · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an easy one to get through quickly - it's well-organized and you can skip over or through the bits that don't really apply to your current situation. After all, once your kids are teens, do you care about separation anxiety for toddlers? Right. That part I liked.

The thing that keeps me from giving it more than 3 stars is the fact that it's almost too centrist. Don't get me wrong - I'm generally a political centrist, neither overly liberal nor overly conservative. However, it almost seems that the authors here tried too hard to skirt around any statements or stances that were too controversial. As such, the suggestions almost feel suspect - there is no real way to know from which perspective the authors are giving their advice. Call me cynical, but I would feel better knowing whose advice I'm taking, even if it seems pretty sound.

While much of the advice given was helpful, some of it was drivel or sounded like it was on the fence. Not a bad one to read through once, but I don't know that I'd ever buy it to keep on hand as a reference, despite the fact that its format lends well to that.

[Holly · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was a compilation of "parenting tools" from a positive discipline approach. There were a few parts of the book that were interesting and gave me something to consider, some of their advice I disagreed with, but most of the book had common sense answers you'd find anywhere.

In particular, the sibling rivalry section gave me something to think about. I found the obedience section interesting regarding the change in culture. We complain that our kids don't obey us like they did in the 1950's, but we adults don't obey like we did in the 1950's either. Mom doesn't obey dad, dad doesn't obey his boss - at least not with the same level of meek deference he had in the 1950's, and the same goes for the rest of the authorities within the community the parents don't "obey" anymore. The children don't have a role model for the level of obedience we're expecting from them. If we decide instead not to raise our kids to blindly obey authorities, then instead of teaching obedience, start teaching them what we are already modeling - discernment for when it's best to just cooperate with a rule or whether to try to change the rule, etc., and adjust our expectations.

[Jennipher · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could not have lived (or LIVE) without this book. I can't believe it doesn't have a higher rating to be honest!

What I LOVE LOVE LOVE about this book is that the only required reading is the first 13 or so pages (don't quote me on the exact number, I don't have the book in front of me). The first chapter lays down the basic principles of positive discipline. It is those principles that you NEED in order to carry out the techniques that are given in the following pages. From there...all you have to do is look up whatever the issue/problem is that you are having at the moment and WALLA! The issues are all in alpha order, so you can either browse that way, or skip right to the back and look up your particular parenting dilemma.

I have to say that I tend to already parent this way anyway...so I may be biased towards this book right off the bat...but it is still a priceless tool to have on my bookshelf as a REMINDER of exactly how to handle certain situations, especially after a long day of whining and fighting...when being positive seems all but impossible...

[Becca · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first 50 pages of this book summarize the best parenting advice I've gleaned from thousands of pages of other books. If you only ever read 50 pages worth of parenting advice, these are the ones you want.

The rest of the book lists potential problems and issues in alphabetical order so you can skip around and find out about "mistreatment of pets", "bullying", "ADHD", and "allowance" or heaps and heaps of other topics relevant for tiny toddlers (biting other kids) to teens (cell phones).

This book was reassuring in real-time yesterday when my kid bonked a younger playmate, twice! In spite of all the hysterics (Is my kid a thug??), Positive Parenting emphasizes discipline-as-teaching rather than punishing. A positive message on a less-than-stellar-kid-parenting-day!

[Morgan Salvador · Rating 4 out of 5]

My husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents, so I thought I would research some alternative/positive disciplining techniques, since spanking is absolutely prohibited. I found this book to be extremely helpful. It’s very user-friendly in its layout and practical in its advice. I certainly didn’t agree with all of the suggestions (not linking allowance to chores and making time-out a “happy place”), but overall I found the reasoning sound. I also appreciated that the book dealt not only with the typical discipline issues (tantrums, sibling rivalry, homework problems, etc.), but also addressed some of the tougher issues (sexual abuse, overt defiance) that some of “our kids” may be coping with at the time they enter our home.