Who's Pushing Your Buttons: Handling the Difficult People in Your Life

by John Townsend

Button-pushers come in all shapes and sizes, but they have one thing in Their behavior drives us crazy and makes us dream of ways to escape the mess we're in. The person who pushes your buttons is likely someone who matters to you – a spouse, a parent, a boss, a fellow church member. Almost always this difficult person is connected to you by blood, love, faith, or money, so you can't just end the relationship without causing pain and upheaval in your life. Our friends and today's culture will often advise us to abandon such relationships quickly – to end this unpleasant chapter and get on with our lives. Psychologist and author Dr. John Townsend disagrees, "Your button-pusher is not someone you would easily and casually leave. You are intertwined at many levels. It is worth the trouble to take a look at the ways the relationship you had, and want, can be revived and reborn." In this easy-to-read book he offers Expert insights to help you understand your own button-pusher Wise assistance in determining the nature of the problem Compassionate help in identifying your failed attempts to fix things A hope-filled vision for what can be and how to make it come true Rich resources to help you navigate the necessary changes

Genres: Self Help, Christian, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Christian Living, Christianity

240 pages, Hardcover

First published July 13, 2004

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, co-host of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of the Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. He has written or co-written twenty-seven books, including the bestselling Boundaries, Safe People, and Hiding from Love. He and his wife, Barbi, live in southern California. They have two grown sons.

Reviews

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had a lot of good ideas for the manner in which to approach difficult relationships. However, the biggest thing I took away from this book is that if you yourself have not handled your own grief, your own backlog of emotional baggage, you are not ready to take this step yet. Sure, perhaps a few little things here and there - but you can't begin to overhaul your relationship with others until you've taken a good hard look at yourself and your own growth. Maybe that sounds cliche here, but as you continue to read through this book it seems more and more painfully clear. Spend some time on your own growth, give yourself some distance from the difficult relationship if that is what you need to grow. That said, this book does give some tools for your own growth as well as that of relationships.

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

OUTSTANDING!!! I'm buying this for several of my friends who are married to MAJOR Button Pushers!!! Wish I had read this years ago. Thanking God my husband in NOT my BUTTON PUSHER! Trying & praying very hard NOT to be ANYONE'S Button Pusher myself.

[Sara Stetz · Rating 5 out of 5]

It takes me a long time to get through non-fiction! This book was wonderful. It was about button pushers we love. It isn’t about friendships we walk away from. It is about relationships that are close to us. Co-workers, friends, relatives and spouses are all given as examples as the author systematically works through setting boundaries with button pushers. It was from a Christian perspective, but not preachy in its delivery. It didn’t judge the button pushers, but based the approach in Christian principals of love, forgiveness and grace.
I love that he focuses on not becoming an authority as we do this work. “You are to serve his growth and he is to serve yours.” We don’t approach from a position of superiority. We are to act in humility and vulnerability as we encourage our own growth in how we meet people and communicate, while they also can grow from honest feedback sent with love. So in other words both parties grow in the situation. In fact even if we can’t reconcile with boundaries and consequences, button pushers are a blessing in our life. They help us identify what is really important, create focus and put energy into the world that we can feel good about instead of a cycle of frustration or anger.
When do we give up on button pushers? “Never, as long as they are alive. Give up the demand and requirement that they must change. But keep hoping, and continue doing all of the things today that could make a difference tomorrow.” I love that! I want to always keep the door open, sometimes I have wondered if that shows I have a lack of boundaries- but that guidance gave me faith that you can have boundaries and be open to reconcile.

[Tahnee · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a mixed bag. On the one hand, the tips are immensely useful and I learned a lot about handling the difficult people in my life. I agree with the author that, fundamentally, we are meant to have a strong community around us and part of relating to people is having challenging encounters and sometimes finding one another irritating. This book gives tools and ideas for how to handle these situations and how to become a better communicator and to do your own enquiry in to how you might be contributing to the situation. The author is obviously experienced.

It’s pretty religious - I am not - so that part of it felt a irrelevant to me (the references to the New Testament, for example), though I can look past it to appreciate the content.

The word button pusher started to irritate me (funny, it became a pusher of my buttons!). And there was something about the tone of the book and the writing style that didn’t flow for me.

All in all it was useful, helpful and worth reading. But not the best book I’ve ever read.

[Антонія · Rating 5 out of 5]

Цього автора прийняла за свого психолога. Він вчить мене жити, мислити і відчувати вже 4-ю чи 5-ю книжкою. Він чудово поєднує християнські цінності і вирішення конфліктів. Ця коротка книжка - інструмент для виживання з маніпулятором. До того ж такий інструмент, який навчить бути щасливим, ставити здорові межі і змінювати свій синдром жертви на стосунок з людьми, в якому мене бачать, чують і розуміють.

[عهود · Rating 1 out of 5]

0:75
ندماااانة
اشد الندم
😂💔

[Damian Mai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Extremely helpful resource! I applied a lot of things I learned from this into my daily conversations with people and have seen changes so far.

[Barry Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Subtitled, Handling the Difficult People in Your Life. The cover also makes the statement, “If someone is making your life difficult, take control and stop the stress.

This extraordinary book tackles the problem of “button pushers” from the side of the “pushee.” Using a combination of solid Biblical principles and the accompanying psychology of relationships, the author begins by helping reader understand how button pushers are hardwired, why they act the way they do, and why they don’t “own” their actions. Moving on in his practical, “what can we do about it” style, Dr. Townsend helps the reader diagnose exactly what the issue is with their specific button pusher and why what they have done so far is not working.

Helping the reader to establish a starting point for addressing the issue directly, he identifies and describes 7 resources available to assist in addressing the impact that the button pusher has on us: 1)God, 2)Our Lives, 3)Others (Sane and Safe Relationships), 4)Our Stance, 5)Our Words, 6)Our Actions, and 7)the Process itself.

This book is replete with examples, Biblical truth, and specific guidance to direct the reader in taking charge of the button pushing experience.

As he closes this exceptional book, Dr. Townsend responds to the question: “When do I give up hope on my button pusher?” His answer: “Never, as long as they are alive. Give up on the demand and the requirement that they must change. But keep hoping, and continue doing all the things that could make a difference tomorrow.” ...That is the way to live in the kind of hope that God provides.”

A short conclusion, “Relationships Revisited,” makes this powerful point: “All the resources that you bring to bear upon the relationship’s repair and change do have great power and potential, for they are given by God, Who desires that all of us return to Him and grow into His image.”

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook version read by the author. This book tackles problem relationships that occur when one person "pushes the buttons" of another. He addresses how to evaluate the problem, how to identify your button pusher and what your part is in the process, and how to deal with the problem. He does a great job of giving examples of different relationships and problems and ideas for working with making changes. The author is a psychologist and talented speaker who comes across with authenticity and valuable insight. He does at time quote scripture to support his beliefs of maintaining loving and respectful relationships.

[Samantha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated the detailed steps, tools, and perspectives included. Dr. Townsend also includes a lot of scripture and Biblical encouragement. I do think there is a time to end a relationship though, and that is not included in this book. Perhaps that is my own bias brought on by my more difficult "button pushers" or my own tendency to cut and run. In that regard, this book was very good for me. It gives encouragement and practical, direct advice to continue working toward improvement in relationships.

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

The concepts are 5 star, his other books have better writing. I can appreciate the desire to be fair and use both he and she for the button pusher, however, it changed back and forth so often it was distracting. I would prefer he stayed with one pronoun unless he is telling a specific story about a male or female button pusher. His other books and the concept would get 5 stars and I recommend his books on boundaries.

[Kari · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would have thought I'd put this on my list a long time ago. Anyway, I read it online, bought a paper copy, and have just finished reading it that way. This is about the only book I've seen that puts all this stuff in the same place, that also covers everything and doesn't leave stuff out, that also explains it this well. So I would recommend it instead of anything else you've read.

[debbicat *made of stardust* · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic!! Highly recommended!!!

[Arun Narayanaswamy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Such a terrible book! I usually stop reading or listening when the book gets to a point of being meaningless, but this one I still kept going and it got worse and worse. It’s highly opinionated and prescriptive storyline and absolutely something to avoid. It talks about who ticks you off and blames a lot on the other person. This point is acknowledged at one point in the book where it says you might be the button pusher for your button pusher. The book gets worse when it gets to god helping you out on solving relationships. I wish educated people like the author talk sense! Avoid avoid avoid.

[Sara Lawson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A useful little book that would probably have greater impact when read or practiced along with a support group or counseling sessions. It also seems practical when used in a family situation, but what about a roommate, a kid in your Sunday School class, or a parent of a teenager you work with? It seems like the absence of proximity and more distant relationships complicate things, not necessarily harder, just more complicated than the book can address. Still, it's a quick read with lots of practical advice and wisdom.

[Matthew Hodge · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a useful book. I don't know about you, but I find the most difficult thing in life is dealing with people who push my buttons.

Townsend provides a framework for pushing through that is utterly realistic and yet steeped in a level of grace and redemption that comes from his Christian faith. I don't know if it will fix any of the situations I sometimes find myself in, but it has inspired me to want to be better at dealing with difficult people.

[Angela Ebert · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical, of course, since that is Dr Townsend’s style. Sub-subtitle reveals all: If someone is making your life difficult, take control and stop the stress. It’s helpful, I’m sure, I just don’t have the kind of difficult people he’s referring to in my life currently. The difficult people in my life will at least respect my boundaries and are reasonable. This book for for those in our lives that won’t do either of those things without a lot of work on our part.

[Natalyn Arevalo · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was ok. I've read a different book by the author called Boundaries before this one and I kinda felt like this was very similar to that book. The book is about button-pushers but many of the examples in the book aren't really that extreme in my opinion and are merely about setting boundaries. Sometimes the boundaries are strong but still they're just boundaries as discussed in the other book.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to this book on Audible and some of the ideas expressed were a bit antiquated, but I really liked the Scriptural references given by the author. Townsend really knows the Bible well, and this book taught me that with button pushers, as with all people, you have to carefully pick your battles.

[pianogal · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good read. The author is a little wordy in places, but I think his ideas are sound. If you've got an annoying person in your life, this book should help. If you don't have an annoying person, I'm happy to give you mine.

[Tish VanPut · Rating 5 out of 5]

This can be life changing for people who are constantly plagued by someone else’s bad behavior! It teaches you how to approach the person and how to set boundaries to protect your own sanity! Love it!

[K · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another good one by John Townsend. As usual, I skip the parts about God and faith as I cannot relate, but otherwise an interesting book. How to deal with your button-pushers and between the lines how not to be a button-pusher yourself, this book has both.

[Jorge · Rating 3 out of 5]

Es un buen libro de consejería de autoayuda. Muy práctico. Fácil de leer.
Townsend trabaja bien con la víctima de una persona estresante, difícil, enseñándole cómo seguir adelante.

[Loreen Button · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great for understanding different types of people and how they can push your buttons

[Eliza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read as audiobook

[Donna Wright · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good advice on taking control of your life when encountering, living with, or working with button pusher personalities.

[Michelle Roberts · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very quick read. Only 120 pages. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but because the author was one of the writers of the “Boundaries” series, I guess I was expecting MORE. 3.5 stars.

[Kelli · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be required reading for every human being. Amazing.

[Hillary · Rating 2 out of 5]

The Christian quotes and references are a bit heavy-handed but it still holds some solid insight on conflict anyone can apply to their lives

[Lindsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful for evaluating situations that irritate you and thinking through the reasons for that irritation, even if “button pusher” isn’t exactly what you might be dealing with.