Different Daughters: A Book by Mothers of Lesbians

by Louise Rafkin (Editor)

Coming out to mom is a lesbian rite of passage. In Different Daughters , thirty mothers of lesbians come together to trace their journeys towards acceptance of their daughters. Facing their fears and confusion, prejudice and misunderstandings, they speak honesty and bravely about the difficulties and joys of life with their "different daughters."

Writing about families, community, religion, grandchildren, bisexuality, transgender issues, and coming out, the authors of Different Daughters raise questions shared by all How can we accept our children for who they are? How can we love our children even when they are different from us?

This updated and expanded third edition of Louise Rafkin's landmark anthology includes new stories by mothers of bisexual women and young lesbians, a sister of a lesbian, and the brave testimony of one mother whose lesbian daughter is in the process of redefining her gender.

Genres: Lesbian, Queer, Nonfiction, LGBT

162 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1987

About the author

Louise Rafkin is the author of Other People's Dirt and the editor of Different Mothers. She has been a commentator for NPR's All Things Considered and has written for Out Magazine. Her articles and essays appear frequently in the New York Times, Health Magazine, and Metropolitan Home. She lives in Oakland, CA.

Reviews

[Brenna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was annoyed by another review for this book basically said "a group of mothers who say wah wah" - so here is a review that may provide a bit more context and depth on this book

different daughters is a product of it's time. it is a collection of mother's writing about their experiences having lesbian daughters. to people in 2022 - this seems normal. in 1987 it was groundbreaking.

the editor speaks of the difficulty of putting this book together and her own mother's struggle to find books and resources to assist her in her own journey of understanding her daughter's lesbianism

with the privilege of the modern internet, it can be easily forgotten that a group of women coming together - some of them anonymously- to share their struggle, confusion, shame, anger, and joy in having lesbian daughters was inaccessible

strong points: diversity in the women involved - different racial, religious, class, and sexual backgrounds. also a difference in where they are in accepting their daughters and their ideas of what "caused" it. highlighting the importance of PFLAG, in many of these stories it possibly saved people's lives

weak points: some outdated ideas of what causes lesbianism (hint: nothing), some stories are repetitive but that may be due to the editor basing them on interviews (which is noted)

in summary, perhaps this book is no longer groundbreaking, nessecarry, or entirely accurate. but because it existed, we are at that point. and reflecting on the changes in 50 years time is amazing.

[Lena · Rating 1 out of 5]

Un recueil de mères qui font ouinouin

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

What speaks most in these stories is the overwhelming love these mothers have for their daughters. They are not the stories of complete triumph over prejudice, of flag-waving fans, but of love despite prejudice, and learning to overcome a lifetime of social conditioning that tells you that your daughter is wrong and sinful despite your own personal observations. The writers are not trying to be politically correct or completely transformed, just truthful. Not all of these mothers have been reconciled with their daughters, but they each are seeking answers and trying to understand their children better, to reconnect and to find personal peace from shame, guilt, confusion, and loneliness. This book hit home because these moms expressed sentiments my own mother has tried to communicate with me. I hope I can use this book to understand my mother more and perhaps for her to understand me more as well. I thank Louise Rafkin for creating this book and including her own mother’s story, who she envisioned the book for. I recommend this book to any mother struggling to come to terms with her daughter’s lesbian/bi/queer sexual orientation, and for daughters to give to their mothers who are struggling. It might be the catalyst to better communication, forgiveness, and connection.

[Joan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow how very interesting this book was. It was published in 1987 and really shows how much times have changed for gay women. I was happy to read the stories and feel that life is better now for them, and their mothers!

[Hannah Kentridge · Rating 5 out of 5]

i thought this would make me cry like Now You See Me did but it didn’t - it felt more like just an interesting window into some different people’s ways of thinking. & a time machine as many of the stories were written in the 80s (although i know a lot of attitudes have stayed the same or in fact got worse)

I will share this book with my mum but mostly in a “hey this is kind of interesting” way - i think im so lucky that my relationship with my mum is strong enough that i only saw bits of her in the very positive stories and the “slight confusion” stories. that’s prob why did book didn’t make me cry - i think if you are a lesbian with more of a complicated relationship with your mum this could be a more poignant read

i DID however feel emotional imagining my partner reading this, as she isn’t out to her mom (although i reckon she knows). my gf is not a big reader but i will recommend this to her, maybe it can give some insight into what it might be like if she does decide to come out some day. but also everyone’s different & who knows!! but maybe some of the “at first i was horrified but then it was fine” stories could be good at giving some hope to someone not out yet, especially seeing as we are 30 years in the future now!!!

[Neelybat · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the early edition of this book-and as a lesbian I found it really depressing. I think this book would be great for homophobic parents coming to terms with their feelings.

[Miriam · Rating 1 out of 5]

Uh...apparently I read this a couple weeks ago. I don't remember anything about it, except for a bunch of choruses of "Join PFLAG!" This is probably not a good sign.

[Trine · Rating 3 out of 5]

3,5